Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (13 page)
Read Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World Online
Authors: Phil McGraw
Now you’ve just greatly lowered your risk of being blind or blindsided by potential BAITERs in your world. Remember, an egocentric point of view justifies everything. BAITERs with no empathy will take advantage of every opportunity that comes their way. You can’t be naïve and self-protective at the same time. You can’t take a Scarlett O’Hara mentality: “I don’t want to think about that today; I’ll think about that tomorrow.” You’ve got a problem today. You need to be vigilant today.
To win in the real world and protect what’s yours, you have to be willing to ask distasteful questions of other people and of yourself. I would rather suspect ten innocent people temporarily than fail to uncover one snake that could do permanent damage to me or those I love.
A Note to
the BAITERs Among Us
If the first three chapters of this book have read like your autobiography, if in reading it, you feel like I actually know you and am describing you, then I have some things to say especially to you. First and foremost, life is about choices, and if you are a BAITER, if you spend your life jerking people around, it is because you’re choosing to do so. You’re not a victim, you’re not a “genetic prisoner,” and you’re not captive to your upbringing. If you can choose to do it, and you can, you can most certainly choose not to do it. The biggest problem you face is that you have a distorted perception that what you’re doing is in fact working. But, it isn’t working. It isn’t even almost working.
You see, people who behave the way I have described in Chapters 1, 2, and 3 are generally thought to be suffering from some type of personality disorder. That means they are mentally and emotionally ill, they are not thinking right, they are not feeling right, and they aren’t making sound decisions. These people, including you, if the description fits, tend to be resistant to treatment because, as I have said, their misperception is that what they’re doing is actually working for them. BAITERs are typically very immature, and immature people tend to seek immediate gratification without consideration for long-term implications. You can sometimes get a short-term payoff if you get away with exploiting someone. So, in the moment, on an immediate basis, it can appear that what you’re doing is working. But if you step back and take the “long view,” you can see that, throughout your life, you have never built any relationships that are lasting, you never achieve anything that you are genuinely proud of, and you never have a sense of peace because you are always immersed in drama, conflict, and turmoil because people object to you exploiting them.
Another reason making a change is an uphill battle is that you are very likely so narcissistic that you really do think you’re smarter than everybody else and you think your current lifestyle of using, abusing, manipulating, and hurting people is in fact a “cool” or smart way to live and to get you what you want. But I’m betting you don’t have any real friends—how could you, because all you see are suckers and targets? I’m also betting that if you are honest, you admit to being lonely and oftentimes feel as though you’re one step ahead of getting found out and caught. Sorry, but my question is, “Who is the sucker here?” That is not what I would call a successful lifestyle.
So, if I’m describing you and you want more, then decide that you’re going to make a change. Decide you’re going to earn what you have in this life instead of stealing it. Decide you are going to make a “to-do” list about developing such things as empathy and honesty and compassion. And while you’re making that “to-do” list, let me suggest an item that should go right at the top. You need to figure out why you feel so bad about yourself that you think you can’t have any success in this life without stealing it, conning somebody out of it, or perpetrating a fraud to trick them into giving it to you. You see, if you had confidence in who you are and what you have to offer, then you would have confidence that good things could be created by you and enjoyed by you, because you are worthy and deserving of them.
Now, I know that even though you have read this note, you may still believe you are the smartest person in the world and you can completely blow it off, but I can assure you, now that you have read it, now that it’s in your brain, it may very well haunt you for the rest of your life until you do something about it. I say that because I am telling you now, unequivocally, that your life is empty and you have to look over your shoulder every day to be sure you’re not in some way held accountable by somebody you took advantage of. You will get tired of that if you’re not already, and you will remember me saying you have a choice to do differently. You have a choice to come off the shady side of the street and start walking in the sunlight. It takes guts, but the payoffs are huge. And, it’s not nearly as much work because you don’t have so much to remember. The truth doesn’t have versions; it just is.
Make a choice right now to stop the manipulation, become transparent, and earn mental health and well-being in your life by doing the things you need to do. If you need professional help, get it. And here’s a great piece of advice, if I do say so myself: Begin by telling your therapist the worst of the worst about you. If you’re a cheating, stealing, manipulative liar who exploits anybody you can get to, then tell your therapist. Tell them you want nothing short of transparency because you realize that your tendency is to con them too. “Man up!” Do the right thing and give yourself a chance and the rest of us a rest because we are beyond tired of dealing with your crap. I wish you the best of luck if and only if you commit to making the changes. I hope you do. Take the high road; there’s a lot less traffic up there.
The New “Life Code” and Rules for Winning in the Real World
4
Stop Being a Target
“You can call me a S.O.B., but you are going to do it long distance!”
—Dr. Phil McGraw
Okay, enough about the bad guys. I want to shift gears and talk about you and your positive power, positive choices, and creating the positive outcomes in your life that you want and deserve. You now know who the bad guys are and how they do what they do. That is knowledge the new “Life Code” requires you to have to be effective, and it will help you inoculate yourself against their attacks and intrusions. Knowing everything you possibly can about the people who can become your and your family’s enemies is critically important to changing your experience of life going forward. But what is even more critically important than them is
you
. That’s really good news, by the way, because the only person you need to control to create the results you want is you, which works out especially well because the only person you
can
control is you.
To be maximally effective, you need to learn how to play smarter and harder and bigger in every aspect of your life. Barring catastrophic illness or fatal accident, anybody can
live
,
but living effectively, living fully, and getting the biggest “bang for your buck” in this life is a whole other story. My goal in the rest of this book is to empower you to function as the highest and best version of yourself. To stop being a target, to avoid being low-hanging fruit just waiting to be pulled down, you have to take a long, hard look at yourself and how
you
play this game of life. To do otherwise is tantamount to volunteering to be used and abused. I contend that you can and must do more, regardless of how often you do or do not encounter BAITERs. I don’t want you to leave anything “on the table,” so to speak. I want you to have the full experience and score the biggest win possible.
To be maximally effective, you need to learn how to play smarter and harder and bigger in every aspect of your life.
It’s one thing to be naïve (though you can’t use that excuse if you’ve made it this far in the book). It’s another thing to choose to behave in such a way as to offer yourself up as a target, as a victim. Why is that?
Someone who’s naïve is just ignorant. I know that sounds harsh, but “ignorant” doesn’t mean “stupid.” It simply means there are things you don’t know. I’m perfectly willing to admit I’m ignorant when it comes to the management of toxic biological agents, for example. If you tell me, “Hey, we have a bacterial outbreak in Central LA. It’s spreading like wildfire—what do you think we should do?” Call the CDC, because I’m not your guy. But if you ask me how to get over a breakup or how to deal with addiction, pull up the couch because I’m your guy. But I’m smart enough to acknowledge my areas of ignorance and consult an expert when I need help concerning things I know nothing about. And the fact that you’re reading this book means you’re taking steps to learn how to create a better life for yourself and those you love.
And by the way, if you feel like your life is working pretty well, by all means read on. Research across decades has been very consistent in showing that psychology works best for those who need it least. That really makes sense if you think about it. Those whose lives are already working pretty well probably have some degree of momentum, an open mind, a willingness to learn, and the confidence to try new things. Compare that to someone who is so dysfunctional that they hide from the world in an “emotional fetal position.” Those folks don’t have the same tools to work with or the foundation to build on. In fact, I’m betting if you’re reading this book, there are many things in your life that are working that you can use as a springboard to take you to the next level. My guess is that you want to and are ready to become a “mover and shaker” in your life. That means taking some risk and trying some new, different things. It’s all about being your own “change agent.”
I’m betting if you’re reading this book, there are many things in your life that are working that you can use as a springboard to take you to the next level.
Being a victim, however, is different from being a change agent. It can be a “comfort zone,” a way of never having to put yourself on the line. It can be an excuse. Think about it; if you’re a victim, if you have a sad story to tell and you are always ready to tell it, then people feel sorry for you and make excuses for why you aren’t doing better in life. That excuse can come in pretty handy if you’re someone who’s been flat-out unwilling to put it on the line and create what you want in your life, while complaining about what you don’t have in your life. There’s an old saying that goes, “There are no victims, only volunteers.” BAITERs are always on the lookout for volunteers, for people who are out of touch with the world—and with themselves. People who feel sorry for themselves, blame others, and simply don’t expect to have other than the most mediocre of lives. These people are “easy pickings” and virtually offer themselves up to be exploited.
The first step in
not
being a volunteer,
not
being a victim, is to really examine yourself and your behaviors so you can make a “to-do” list about what to keep and build on, what to eliminate, and what to acquire in terms of life skills and strategies.
In this chart, list the following: the behaviors or habits you need to
stop
doing because they are disrupting your life, the things you need to
start
doing because their absence is leaving a big void in your life, and the things you need to
continue
doing because they are creating value in your life.
This task isn’t just about avoiding being exploited. It is also, maybe even more so, about what you’re actively doing for
you
. Trust me, you can go through your life having never been victimized by anyone and still not even come close to getting what you want for you and yours. That happens because you don’t have the skills needed to aspire for more, the willingness to even admit that you want more, or the guts to actually go for it. If you want
more
in your marriage,
more
in your social life,
more
in your spiritual life,
more
in your career, or just
more
in your life across the board, common sense tells you that you have to go after it with
more
passion and commitment. I am one of those who believes the fruit we must reach for is much sweeter than that which falls at our feet. Reaching, stretching, and trying new things is good for us. It keeps us moving and growing. And similarly, if you want less of some things such as stress, conflict, or loneliness, you need the same passionate commitment.
Remember, what you are trying the hardest to hide is exactly what you broadcast about yourself the most.
Life tends to pick up momentum whether it’s in a positive direction or in the rut of complacency and negativism. And momentum resists change; it wants to keep flowing like a river within its banks. Getting a river to make a right turn is not an easy proposition, and neither is creating major change in the direction of your life. But, it
is
doable.
