Holding On (21 page)

“Okay,”
I said, drawing the single word out more than I
had anticipated.

“Well,
I know that we haven’t known each other that long and we don’t know each other that well, but there are things about me
that I think you need to
know.”
The way he said it sent shivers to my
core. There
was
no
emotion
behind
his
words.
They
were
just
words.
“I
want
to make sure that everything is out in the open before we see what
this is,” he continued, motioning his hand between
us.

“Okay.”
He had reduced me to single-word answers again and
not the
same
way
he
had
before.
I
preferred
the
method
he
had
used
earlier.

“Well”—he
paused,
not
seeming
overly
anxious
to
tell
me
anything at
that
moment—“I
sort
of
have
a
girlfriend
right
now.”
He
said
it
really fast,
and
just
as
fast
I
felt
like
he
had
slapped
me
across
the
face.
Are
you freaking kidding me right
now?

“Really? So does your girlfriend know that you kissed me?
Does
your girlfriend know where you are right now?” I asked
through clenched
teeth.
I
could
hear
the
anger
in
my
words
as
they
came
spilling
out of my mouth. I could feel the tension build in the car as I turned
to face out the front
window,
arms crossed.

“She doesn’t know any of that stuff, and she doesn’t need
to.”

Excuse
me?
I
whipped
my
head
back
around
and
just
stared
at
him. I thought that was important information, and I didn’t want to be a
part of his
lies.

Before I could tell him any of this, he continued.
“We
are taking
a break right
now.
We
haven’t been together for about a
month.”

“That
does
not
make
this
right.
That
does
not
mean
that
you
can
do whatever
you
want
just
because
you
are
on
a
break.
That
just
means
that you are not
kissing
each other right
now.”
I felt like I was screaming
at him and I probably was.
“Take
me home, please. I need to go home.”

With
that,
the
conversation
ended.
He
started
the
car,
and
we
headed down
the
mountain
in
complete
silence.
The
drive
seemed
to
take
twice as
long
to
get
home.
The
uncomfortable
silence
didn’t
help
the
situation.
Once
we
pulled
onto
my
street,
he
pulled
the
car
over
about
a
block away from my house and threw it in
Park.

“I
understand
why
you
are
upset,
but
please
let
me
finish,”
he pleaded.

I
stared
at
him
with
my
arms
crossed
over
my
chest
and
nodded slightly for him to
continue.

“I never expected any of this to happen. I never expected to
meet anyone and to like them so much.
You
caught me completely off
guard. I
watched
you
serve
that
first
day
for
what
felt
like
forever
before
I
even had the nerve to approach you. It was like I was drawn to you for
some reason.” He paused to take a deep breath before he continued. I
could see
the
strain
on
his
face.
He
wanted
to
tell
me
everything
but
knew
that I didn’t want to hear it. “I broke it off with
her,
and she convinced
me to take a break over the holidays. She wants to get back together, and now
I
don’t
want
to.
She
doesn’t
make
me
feel
the
way
you
do,
and
I just met you. I should feel happy when I’m with her when we go out.
I don’t, and I can’t keep lying to myself to make her
happy.
I don’t
want
to be with her anymore, I haven’t for a while and should never have
let her
talk
me
into
taking
a
break
over
the
holidays.
I
want
to
be
with
you. I
told
her
I
didn’t
want
to
be
with
her
anymore
the
other
day,
and
she
flipped out on
me.”

It
hit
me
like
a
ton
of
bricks
that
I
really
liked
this
guy.
He
made me
feel
alive,
made
me
want
to
come
out
of
my
shell.
He
gave
me strength
when
I
felt
defeated,
especially
when
it
came
to
tennis.
He
was
supportive
and
caring.
He
was
amazing.
He
made
me
feel
like
Brad made me feel all those
years.

This
was
the
first
time
I
actually
wanted
to
be
in
a
relationship,
and he
was
taken.
I
had
to
keep
reminding
myself
of
that,
or
else
I
was
afraid I would lose sight of it and do something I shouldn’t. Plus, my life
was
a bit rocky with relationships right
now,
and I needed time to figure
out my own dilemmas before I could move
forward.

“I
want
you
to
know
I’ve
heard
everything
you
said,
and
as
soon
as you get your shit together, you can call me, but not until then,” I
stated
with no emotion in my voice at
all.

I was so proud of myself. I stood up for what I believed in. I
was
not going to play second fiddle to anyone else, and I was not going
to be the reason that someone got their heart broken.
Apparently,
I
was
already that person for Claire, and I didn’t plan on adding another
girl to that
list.

I
opened
the
door
and
got
out.
The
cold
air
nipped
at
the
back
of my
neck
as
I
made
the
short
trek
to
my
house.
After
a
few
minutes, I
heard
Ethan
start
his
car,
but
he
never
drove
past.
When
I
reached my
driveway,
I
turned
to
see
that
he
was
still
parked
in
the
same
spot
watching to make sure I got home all
right.

The
next
few
weeks
went
by
without
any
new
drama.
My
life
was finally beginning to feel normal for a change. Brad and I had
talked a
few
times,
but
neither
of
us
brought
up
Claire
or
anything
about
her
or our
situation
.
I
knew
that
he
wanted
to
talk
about
us,
but
I
couldn’t
bring myself
to
think
about
it.
I
had
said
some
seriously
rotten
things
to
him.
I never
apologized,
and
both
of
us
were
acting
like
the
conversation
never happened.
Fine by
me
.

I
talked
to
Emma
a
few
times
to
see
what
the
progress
was
with
our plan. I felt like I was spying on Brad. Emma was keeping me posted
on everything, from his sullen mood to the girls who were asking him
out and
how
he
was
refusing
all
of
them.
She
also
kept
me
posted
on
Claire. The girl was not giving up on Brad or on me. She took any chance
she
could
to
bad-mouth
me
to
her
friends,
some
of
which
were
also
my friends. That was a big mistake on her part since they were
defending me and she was creating enemies in the
process.

I
was
also
avoiding
Ethan
for
the
most
part.
I
avoided
him
in
the
halls when
I
could.
Since
the
night
we
went
out,
he
seemed
to
be
everywhere all
the
time.
I
had
never
noticed
him
outside
of
class
before.
The
one place
that
I
couldn’t
avoid
him
was
in
class,
but
I
tried
to
surround
myself
with
other
people
so
that
he
didn’t
have
any
opportunity
to corner me and try to talk about
us
.
Wow!
I was in two really messed
up “relationships” if you could call either of them
that.

I
found
that
Natalie,
Jill,
and
I
made
a
great
team.
We
worked
together on the sports spreads, and by the time those were finished,
it felt like we were inseparable.
We
had bonded over a common
interest and found friendship along the
way.
I was proud of myself for
making friends
and
trying
to
move
forward
in
this
strange
new
place.
It
was
beginning
to
feel
like
home,
or
at
least
a
place
that
could
one
day resemble home for
me.

The
Friday
before
Valentine’s
Day,
at
lunch,
the
girls
were
giggling as
I
walked
up
to
the
table.
As
I
sat
down,
the
giggling
stops
and
everyone was
looking
at
me.
What
a
way
to
make
a
girl
feel
welcomed.
Were
they talking about me? Had I done something wrong that I was unaware
of?

“What?” I asked. Everyone was still staring at me.

“Well,”
Natalie started, “I know we haven’t been able to hang
out much,
and
we
were
just
wondering
if
you
wanted
to
come
to
a
party with us
tonight.”

I
could
hear
the
hesitance
in
her
voice.
Did
she
think
I
was a
prude,
or was she just not sure if she wanted to hang out with me? I didn’t
really know what to
say,
so I didn’t say anything. I wanted to go, but I
didn’t really
feel
like
she
wanted
me
to,
and
the
last
thing
I
wanted
was
for things to get awkward between
us.

After
a
few
minutes,
Jill
added,
“It’s
at
Natalie’s
ex-boyfriend’s house, so we are all going in support of
her.”

So that was why she was hesitant. I could support that. I knew
that the
next
time
I
see
Brad,
ex-boyfriend
or
not,
I
was
going
to
need
a little
support
myself.
Plus,
I
had
been
using
Natalie
and
Jill
as
a
support
system,
without
them
knowing,
for
weeks
now.
They
have
been
my “buffer” with
Ethan.

“Sure.
My
mom
should
be
okay
with
it.
What
time?”
I
asked.
A party really did sound great. It would be just what I needed to take
my mind
off
all
the
boy
drama
that
I
had
been
avoiding.
I
needed
a
little
girl time. I didn’t even realize it, but I hadn’t had girl time for so
long.

“I’ll
pick
you
up
at
eight,”
Natalie
said
with
a
big
smile
on
her
face. “Make sure you wear something
dressy.
It’s
a senior
party.”

“Okay.”
I
drew
the
word
out
longer
than
I
had
intended.
She
hadn’t mentioned
a
boyfriend,
or
ex-boyfriend,
the
entire
time
I
had
known
her.
“So
you
were
dating
a
senior?
When
did
you
break
up?”
I
was
trying
to sound
interested,
but
I
really
couldn’t
care
less
about
her
ex-boyfriend.
I was
just
happy
that
I
had
friends
and
that
I
was
not
going
to
be
spending
yet another Friday night doing
homework.

“He broke up with me a few months ago.
He’s
a real jerk. I
should
have
known
better.
A
couple
of
girls
warned
me
that
he
would
string
me
along
and
then
break
my
heart.”
It
sounded
like
they
were
pretty serious
I
guess,
if
she
was
talking
about
him
breaking
her
heart.
You
could see that there was some serious anger growing inside of
her.
She
was not over this guy yet, and I felt bad for him if he crossed her
path tonight.

“So
why
are
we
going
to
his
party
tonight
if
you
dislike
him
so
much?”

“I don’t
know. It’s
a
party, 
a senior
party, 
and I kind of want
to go
and
see
what
he’s
up
to.
I
have
a
feeling
that
he’s
started
to
see
someone.”

“You
know
what
you
should
do?”
I
asked
with
a
hint
of
mischief
in my
voice.
She
looked
at
me
and
shook
her
head.
I
could
see
the
tears
she
was
holding
back.
“You
should
find
a
date
for
tonight
and
then
show
up at his
party.
Maybe he will realize what
he’s
missing.”