GLBTQ (18 page)

Q: But I'm in a relationship . . .

A:
Love and sex are not synonymous. You can love someone, yet not feel ready to have sex. It doesn't mean you don't care about that person. It means you don't want or aren't ready to move to that level of physical intimacy just yet.

One of the absolute best things about being in a relationship is the firsts—the first time your eyes meet and you smile at each other, the first time you hold hands, the first time you kiss, and if everything feels right, the first time you have sex. But the thing that makes those firsts so special and memorable is that they happen only once, and they're most enjoyable when you're both ready.

Q: What if I don't want to keep having sex?

A:
Maybe you've already started having sex. If you're having sex and you're not feeling good about it, remember that
you can stop
. Just because you've had it doesn't mean you have to keep having it.

Have an open discussion with your partner. If he really cares about you, he'll understand and will be supportive. Bringing it up might feel a little scary or embarrassing, but if you don't feel like you can talk to your partner about sex, it could be a signal that you've gotten into something too soon or with the wrong person.

Been There:

“I've never been sexually active. I plan to wait.”
—Julio, 19

You might have a lot on your mind right now regarding your sexuality and having sex. Maybe the questions and situations you've been reading about are familiar, or perhaps you're asking yourself other questions. Perhaps you're just starting to think about these issues, or you may already be sexually active. Either way, the more you know about yourself, the healthier your decisions will be about your boundaries, activities, and partners.

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself and think about while you're deciding if you're ready to be (or to continue being) sexually active:

• Am I comfortable with myself and my body?
  
• Do I respect myself and have a strong sense of my own self-worth?
  
• Am I comfortable talking about sex and my boundaries with my partner?
  
• Do I feel comfortable saying no when I need to?
  
• Have I thought about what being sexual could mean for me emotionally and what it could mean for my relationship?
  
• Do I understand that I don't need to have sex to be loved? Do I understand that just because I love someone, I don't need to have sex to prove it?
  
• Do I know what STIs are and how they're transmitted? Do I know about safer sex? Am I able to talk to my partner about safer sex? Am I confident enough to insist on using protection for any sexual activity?
  
• Do I know that I can change my mind at any time about having sex? Do I understand that I can say no at any point, even at the last minute, even if I've told someone that I will have sex, and even if I've said yes before?
  
• Do I know that if I have sex, I don't have to keep having it?
  
• Do I feel clear about my beliefs and values about having sex?
  

Arm yourself with the facts before you make any decisions about sex. Thinking about sex and sexuality can make teens nervous and confused. This can be especially true for young people who are GLBTQ, in part because there is so much misinformation about queer sex and sexuality. Don't let your decisions about sex be influenced by myths and stereotypes.

Here are some of the more common myths about GLBTQ sexuality:

Myth #1: Having sex is the best way to help me figure out if I'm GLBTQ.
Many people are faced with questions like “How do I know for sure?” when they're coming out. Some people might even tell you that if you've never had sex with someone of the same sex, you can't be certain of your sexual orientation. Many people believe that being GLBTQ is about who you have sex with.

Truth #1:
It's not. Being queer is about who you are as a person, and it's part of your identity. It's also about who you are
emotionally
attracted to. Having sex won't prove or disprove anything that you didn't already know or suspect. So being sexually active is not the answer. And having sex could have negative results if you're not ready to deal with the emotions it can stir up or aren't comfortable insisting on safer sex.

Been There:

“Don't straight people know they're heterosexual before they've had sex?”
—Therese, 19

Myth #2: GLBTQ people are promiscuous.
Some people have the idea that being GLBTQ is only about sex, and therefore having sex is the primary focus of queer people.

Truth #2:
The fact is, GLBTQ people aren't any more promiscuous by nature or in practice than straight people. Being GLBTQ doesn't mean you have to engage in sexual activity. Having sex is a personal decision, regardless of whether you're queer or straight.

Myth #3: Oral sex doesn't count as sex.
Some people consider oral sex to be a very intimate sexual activity, while others attach less importance to it. Some people feel it's an activity you do as part of getting ready to have sex. Others consider it to be sex—for them, it's a primary sexual activity.

Truth #3:
Here are some truths to consider about oral sex. There's no denying that oral sex is significant sexual contact. You definitely can get or give many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through oral sex. Oral sex involves very intimate physical contact, and you're making a choice to share something very personal with someone else. As a matter of self-respect, you'll want to spend some time considering who, if anyone right now, is worthy of that level of intimacy with you.

It's important to communicate clearly about this issue with your partner. If oral sex is a big deal for you, but your partner doesn't feel the same, it can cause a problem. You could end up feeling like your partner doesn't appreciate the value of physical intimacy and how important sharing that is to you. Determining whether you're ready to engage in sexual activity includes making important decisions about oral sex.

Myth #4: Gay men only engage in anal sex and lesbians only engage in oral sex.
This is one of the most pervasive sexual myths about GLBTQ people. The myth comes from people who don't know or understand what it means to be queer, so their ideas about queer sexuality are limited and sometimes downright strange.

Truth #4:
There is a whole range of sexual activities that GLBTQ people engage in. Some gay men rarely or never have anal sex and some lesbians rarely or never have oral sex. It's up to each individual to decide what he or she likes and is comfortable with.

Been There:

“Sex is not the end-all, be-all. Having sex does not make or break one's identity. Enjoy what you do because you want to be doing it, not because you think it's what you should be doing.”
—Joseph, 20

Myth #5: Only people who are GLBTQ get HIV/AIDS.
In the early 1980s, when the HIV and AIDS epidemic was first starting in the United States, gay men were severely impacted. Many people grew to associate gay men and queer people in general with AIDS, even though all different kinds of people were becoming sick.

Truth #5:
Everyone
has to worry about HIV/AIDS, GLBTQ or straight. Contrary to what some people believe, gay men are not solely responsible for the spread of HIV/AIDS. It is a worldwide pandemic that affects people of all ages, races, genders, and orientations. According the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) and the World Health Organization (WHO), more than 33 million people worldwide are living with HIV or AIDS. Forty percent of new HIV infections worldwide occur among heterosexual young people. That's more than any other group, including homosexuals.

It's not who you are, but what you do that puts you at risk for contracting HIV/AIDS
. And you can get HIV/AIDS from only one exposure. It's not the number of times you have sex, but rather the kind of sex you have that puts you at risk. If you make healthy choices and practice safer sex (more on that later), you can decrease your risk of HIV exposure, but there is no such thing as 100 percent safe sex for anyone—GLBTQ or straight.

Some other issues to consider when making decisions about intimate relationships are sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. Yes, pregnancy. Being queer might make it less likely, but it doesn't make it impossible. (For more about this, see “
Pregnancy
”.) And if you are thinking about becoming (or already are) sexually active, you definitely need to think about STIs, whether you're GLBTQ or straight. STIs are infections passed from one person to another primarily through vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse, although intimate contact without intercourse can also transmit several STIs. STIs are serious business. Unfortunately, one encounter (with or without protection) can result in some serious and long-term consequences.

1. STIs are common among teens.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports that each year, more than 19 million new STI cases occur. Nearly half of these occur in people ages 15 to 24. According to the American Social Health Association (ASHA), half of all sexually active young people will contract an STI by age 25. The CDC states that in 2006, about 1 million adolescents and young adults ages 10 to 24 were reported to have chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis. Syphilis cases among ages 15 to 24 have increased in both males and females in recent years.

It's important to understand, too, that people with STIs don't always have obvious symptoms. It's not uncommon for someone to have (and be transmitting) an STI without realizing it.

Been There:

“I have always practiced safer sex because it is so essential for my health. It's important to know where to go for condoms and testing.”
—Priscilla, 20

2. HIV/AIDS still has no cure.
There are many other STIs besides HIV/AIDS, but HIV infection among teens is a serious issue. ASHA reports that half of all new HIV infections occur among adolescents. The CDC states that in 2006, the majority of new diagnoses of HIV infection in the United States occurred among adolescent and young adult males ages 20 to 24.

While it's true many infected people are enjoying a better quality of life than ever before due to advances in drug therapies, living with HIV/AIDS is
not
easy. Even if researchers are successful developing a cure for HIV/AIDS and a vaccine to prevent it, it will likely be many years before either is available. In the meantime, HIV/AIDS transmission is a very real risk. New therapies for HIV/AIDS may give some people a misplaced feeling of security—they think they don't have to practice safer sex. It's tempting to give in to the moment, but that's a very risky gamble.

3. Women who have sex with women transmit STIs, too.
Herpes, HPV (genital wart virus), and bacterial vaginosis are transmitted fairly easily between women during sex. Even though STIs like HIV, hepatitis B, gonorrhea, and chlamydia are less likely to be transmitted, it is still possible.

Some teens, terrified by the idea they might be queer, have sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex to prove to themselves and others that they're straight. Others engage in heterosexual sex to find a social group they think of as being more “normal” than the queer community. They might believe that it would be “easier” to be straight.

Make no mistake, if you're an anatomical female who has vaginal intercourse with an anatomical male, you can get pregnant. Having a different sexual orientation or gender identity won't prevent a pregnancy. And if you're an anatomical male, even if you are gay or trans, you can get an anatomical female pregnant.