GLBTQ (19 page)

What's the difference? The first is a myth—there is no such thing as totally safe sex. However, if you choose to be sexually active, practicing saf
er
sex can significantly help reduce the chances of pregnancy or transmitting an STI.

Here are some basic facts you need to know about safer sex:

Fact: Bodily fluids such as semen, vaginal fluids, and blood are the primary means through which STIs pass from one person to another.
It's not always necessary to exchange bodily fluids to become infected, but they are a primary means of infection for many STIs (and the only means through which HIV can be transmitted).

Fact: Latex barriers provide the most effective protection against infection.
Whether it's in the form of condoms, dental dams, or gloves, latex is your best friend when it comes to safer sex. You can buy latex barriers at most pharmacies, convenience stores, and discount retailers. Some restrooms are even equipped with condom dispensers. Also, many public health clinics (including Planned Parenthood) and HIV/AIDS organizations give out free condoms. Some also give out dental dams.

A few other useful things to know about latex:

• Latex condoms are the best choice for safer sex. Some “natural” condoms are made from lambskin, which infections like HIV can pass through. Latex, when used properly, stops infections. If you're allergic to latex, see “
  Fact: Polyurethane and polyisoprene..
  .” for information on polyurethane barriers.
  
• Dental dams are square pieces of latex designed to cover the vulva, vagina, or anus during oral sex. Dental dams protect the mouth from exposure to bodily fluids that could contain bacteria or viruses.
  
• Dental dams can be harder to find than condoms. One alternative is to fashion a dental dam out of a condom by unrolling it, cutting off the closed end, and cutting it along the long end. This only works with an unlubricated condom and also one that is not treated with a spermicide. Plastic wrap can also be used as a substitute for a dental dam, but it must be the kind that isn't perforated—plastic wrap with tiny holes in it is useless when it comes to preventing STI transmission.
  

Fact: Latex is essential not only for vaginal or anal sex, but also for oral sex and mutual masturbation.
Infections can be passed during activities that include touching if a partner's hands or fingers have cuts, scratches, or other open abrasions or sores. You might not always see tiny abrasions, so it's best to use a latex glove or finger cots—latex coverings for individual fingers. These forms of protection can be found at most drugstores near first aid products or insulin test kits.

Fact: You must be careful with latex. It only works as long as it's undamaged.
Heat and oil-based lubricants can damage latex. Don't keep latex barriers such as condoms in a wallet or somewhere else where they'll be exposed to prolonged heat. Also, don't use condoms or other latex barriers with oily substances such as baby oil, petroleum jelly, solid shortening, cooking oils (olive and vegetable oil), animal fats (including butter), massage oils, or peanut butter. Oils and petroleum-based products destroy latex.

The best bet for a lubricant is one that's water-based such as K-Y Jelly or K-Y Liquid, which you can find in most pharmacies and grocery stores. Some GLBTQ bookstores sell lubricants, as well. Silicone-based ones will also work. The packaging should indicate whether the lubricant is oil-, silicone-, or water-based.

Fact: Polyurethane and polyisoprene barriers can prevent transmission of HIV.
Polyurethane and polyisoprene condoms, gloves, and dental dams—when properly used—do protect against HIV infection and the transmission of other STIs. The condoms also can be used to prevent pregnancy. However, according to the FDA and
Consumer Reports,
the condoms may be more prone to breaking. These options are usually recommended for people who are sensitive to latex or have a latex allergy.

Fact: Anal sex is a high-risk behavior and needs extra protection.
It's one of the highest-risk behaviors for transmitting STIs, whether between partners of the same or opposite sex. The inside of the rectum is a very porous membrane that can transmit infection, including HIV contained in blood or semen, directly into the bloodstream. Unprotected anal sex has recently become popular among some people who have the misconception that HIV is no longer a concern. This is a myth. Anal sex is an
extremely
high-risk behavior for the transmission of HIV and other STIs.

Bring up safer sex with your partner while you're both fully clothed. Talking about issues that might make you shy or nervous is much easier when you're not in the heat of the moment.

Thinking and talking about safer sex ahead of time means you're giving yourself the opportunity to be prepared when the time comes. Make a point of knowing where you both stand so that you can respect each other's health and comfort levels. The keys to safer sex are openness and mutual respect.

Been There:

“I had never been intimate with anyone before I was with my most recent girlfriend. But before we started to get sexually active, I had her show me her recent test results for STIs.”
—Vanessa, 19

Think about how you want to keep yourself safe. It's not always easy to talk about safer sex, but you'll need to communicate with your partner about it. Even if you're not ready for sex, talk now so that when you
are
ready, you'll both be on the same page about practicing safer sex.

One of the biggest barriers to keeping yourself safe is drinking or doing drugs. Even with the best intentions, you can find yourself in the middle of activities or situations you would have avoided if you had been sober.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse:

• More than one-third of sexually active teens and young adults ages 15 to 24 report that alcohol or drug use has influenced a decision to do something sexual.
  
• Nearly a quarter of sexually active teens and young adults ages 15 to 24 report having unprotected sex because of alcohol or drug use.
  
• 43 percent of teens and young adults say they are concerned that they might do more sexually than they had planned because they are drinking or using drugs.
  

If your judgment is impaired, chances are greater that you'll have unsafe sex.

Drugs + sex = risky behavior. The best decisions are ones that you make when you're 100 percent sober.

Take time to explore your sexuality and sexual identity before expressing yourself physically with another person. If you're already engaging in sexual activity, check in with yourself. Figure out whether these activities are causing you stress or are bringing something positive to your life and your relationship. Sexual activity can be extremely positive and fulfilling if you approach it in a healthy way. That starts with self-awareness and a willingness to do what's best for you and potential partners.

For queer and questioning teens, adolescence can be an amazing and thought-provoking time. It can also come with its fair share of stress. In addition to normal adolescent changes, you might also be figuring out if you're GLBTQ, choosing whether or not to come out, and deciding how you feel about relationships and sex. With so much on your mind, it can be easy to lose track of taking care of yourself. But your physical and mental health are important and need attention just like other parts of your life.

Researchers from the American Psychological Association have noted that GLBTQ teens run a greater risk of taking part in potentially unhealthy or dangerous behaviors because of difficulty navigating the teen years. But they also noted that GLBTQ teens often have sophisticated ways of handling pressures and that they tend to use a broader range of coping resources than their heterosexual peers. GLBTQ teens may also be more likely to develop greater interpersonal problem-solving skills.

These latter findings are good news, because as a GLBTQ teen, you might face more difficult or complex challenges than your straight peers. This makes it even more important to pay attention to your health so you have the emotional and physical resources to deal with whatever life throws at you.

Anger, frustration, sadness—it's natural for young people to experience these feelings. According to the CDC's “Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, 2009,” 27 percent of 11th graders and 24 percent of 12th graders reported having prolonged feelings of sadness or hopelessness that prevented them from doing some of their usual activities. Nationwide, nearly 14 percent of students in grades 9–12 reported having seriously considered attempting suicide within the previous year.

These are alarming statistics, but it's believed the numbers are higher among GLBTQ students, because they're often dealing with issues related to sexual orientation and gender identity, as well as societal and peer pressures. This makes it especially important for you to have a game plan for how to cope during those times you may not be feeling your best.

Been There:

“When I'm feeling down I sing or write. I try to do something creative; anything that will get my mind off of whatever is going on at that particular moment.”
—Eric, 15

It's okay to sometimes feel frustrated or unhappy with the way things are. But letting others' ignorant attitudes affect your mood over the long term won't make life better or easier. Help yourself feel better by finding positive ways to deal with difficult emotions. After all, you don't want to miss out on the wonderful things because you're stressed or depressed.

There are a lot of great, healthy ways to deal with stress on an everyday basis. Here are five basic things you can try.

1. Let it out!
Find a way to express your feelings through talking, writing, dancing, acting, singing, rapping, or drawing. There's a whole range of great ways you can let it out. You can do this privately (write in a journal or dance in your room) or publicly (act in a school play or perform at an open mic night). The more ways you release stress, the better you can feel. You might even discover a talent you never knew you had.

Been There:

“When I'm stressed, I immerse myself in literature. I try to find reflections of myself in the outside world.”
—Francis, 20

2. Exercise.
When you exercise, your brain releases chemicals called
endorphins
that help increase positive feelings and decrease feelings of pain or stress. Exercise is anything that gets you moving, including walking, shooting hoops, or playing a fitness video game.

Exercise of all kinds can help you relieve stress—it's a matter of finding physical activities you enjoy doing. Try out for a team at school or join an intramural team in the community. (Some communities have GLBTQ sports teams, although they might be restricted to older teens or adults.) Or plan a game of your own. Get friends together to play volleyball, flag football, or whatever sport you enjoy. Classes in dance, yoga, or martial arts might all be options as well. If you prefer to go solo, try biking, skateboarding, inline skating, running, hiking, weight training, dancing, swimming, or doing parkour (free running, which includes jumping, flipping, and other acrobatic moves). Any kind of exercise can help you feel better emotionally and physically. So get those endorphins pumping and do something good for your body.

3. Eat well.
A balanced diet with a lot of nutrients keeps your body healthy and happy. Eating only junk can increase feelings of tiredness and sadness. Especially now, when your body is maturing, it's important to eat a diet that's balanced among proteins, fats, and carbohydrates.

That doesn't mean you have to give up your favorite treats, but the key is to eat those things in moderation. You can have French fries or chocolate cake now and then, just don't make them staples of your diet. Good food gives your body and mind fuel to be strong and resilient. Drink plenty of water, too, to flush toxins from your body and keep your systems running their best.

4. Take healthy risks.
Jump into life. One of the best things about being alive is trying new things. Sometimes those new things are scary, like trying out for that jazz band solo or asking someone out on a date. Sometimes they're fun, like joining a sports team, traveling somewhere you've never been, or discovering you're a master gardener. When you try new things, you can broaden your horizons while learning about yourself in the process. These experiences help focus your attention on positive things, rather than dwelling on life's challenges.

5. Get involved.
Get involved in the GLBTQ community, whether it's by participating in an online forum or meeting other queer teens in real life. (Chapter 5 has information on how to do that.) Being involved can help you realize you're not alone and you don't have to feel isolated. It can be comforting to know there are a whole lot of us around from all walks of life. Volunteering for your favorite cause or getting politically active are also great ways to meet people—both queer and straight—who share your interests.

Been There:

“When I'm stressed, I call my GLBTQ friends or go online and read about other people in my position. Knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel makes me feel better. Also, I keep a journal. Writing always makes me feel better, no matter what's bothering me.”
—Heidi, 19

Keeping a journal is a great way to reflect on your life, work through feelings, and blow off steam. There are many different ways to keep a journal. You can write letters to people about how you feel (which you might or might not actually mail), sketch, write poetry, or just describe your day or feelings. Whatever form your journal takes, it's probably best to keep it hidden so you can feel free to really express yourself. If your journal is on a computer, password-protecting the document is a good idea.

Whether you're already a pro at journaling or just getting started, here is a strategy for writing when you feel stressed. It helps you let go of intense feelings and feel better about yourself at the same time.

1. In your journal (whether it's a notebook or on your computer) write down exactly what is making you stressed. Tell the person who made that nasty comment just what you think of it. Tell that senator you can't believe he sponsored that anti-queer bill. Whatever you're feeling, let it out.

2. Count the number of negative statements you made, like, “I can't believe he . . .” or “I am so sick of . . .”

3. Use a clean sheet of paper in your notebook or start a new page in your document. Make a numbered list for the negative statements. For example, if you wrote three negative things, number the list from one to three. Next to each number, write something positive about yourself. It doesn't have to have anything to do with being GLBTQ or even with what's upsetting you. This can be a good way to put things in perspective and get some emotional balance.

Here's an example of what this journal entry might look like:

I am sick of having to deal with the ignorance of some of my so-called peers.
¹
Today, Isaiah made this really nasty comment about gay guys. And it was really loud, too. But Mrs. Jimenez didn't do anything about it. I can't stand her.
²
I told Alison about it during lunch and she agrees that Isaiah is a total jerk.
³

1. I'm a good friend.

2. I'm sensitive to others' feelings.

3. I'm a great singer.

No matter how you choose to write in your journal, just remember three key words:
Let it out!
Bottling up feelings can build up stress and anxiety, which can take a mental and physical toll. It's important to let out feelings so you can move past them.

Most young people have feelings of sadness or hopelessness from time to time, but queer teens often experience them more frequently than their heterosexual peers. Nothing about being GLBTQ means you're destined to be unhappy, but take the usual stresses of being a teen and combine them with confronting homophobia or transphobia (in peers or yourself), and you have a mixture that can take a toll on your self-esteem. Even if you're not facing harassment, you might not always feel like you fit in with the world around you. This can be true even if you generally feel good about yourself.