GLBTQ (17 page)

Here are some facts about dating violence and relationship abuse for GLBTQ teens:

• You never deserve to be abused. No one does.
  
• The abuse is not your fault. It's the fault of the abuser, no matter how much that person might blame you. (“You shouldn't have said that. You know I have a temper.”)
  
• Abuse can take many different forms. It can be physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, verbal, or even social (like trying to turn friends against you or posting harassing comments about you on a website).
  
• Abuse usually happens in cycles. There might be a lot of kissing and making up afterwards, but eventually the abuse starts all over again.
  
• Abusers often try to isolate their partners from family, friends, and teammates. The person being abused often feels scared and alone.
  
• Abuse is about control and power,
  not
  love.
  

Dating violence and relationship abuse are serious problems for queer and straight teens alike. The good news is many more domestic violence resources are available today for GLBTQ people. If you're in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, many organizations can provide assistance.

Many types of abuse happen in relationships. It's good to know what they are so you can recognize them right away if they occur.

Emotional Abuse.
Emotional abuse can be harder to recognize than other forms of abuse, because it is often less obvious than physical abuse. Emotional abuse can include name-calling, insults, your partner putting you and your interests down, jealousy and possessiveness, and attempts to control who you see, what you do, what you wear, even what you eat.

A partner might tell you that you're fat or stupid or that no one else would ever want you. If you complain about this treatment, he might tell you it's not a big deal or you're too sensitive. Maybe your partner is extremely jealous and always demands to know where you are and who you're with. Or maybe he controls you with the fear of what he will do if he loses his temper (like breaking things, humiliating you in public, or hurting you). Perhaps he makes extreme demands on your time (even when you have important school or family commitments) and flirts, pouts, and eventually loses his temper if he doesn't get his way. Maybe he tells you in subtle or obvious ways that you could never find someone better than him. Whatever the method, it's all abuse. Emotional abuse can take a lot of different forms, but they all have the same result—they make you feel bad about yourself.

Physical Abuse.
Physical abuse often is the first thing that comes to mind when people think about abusive relationships. Such abuse can include hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hair pulling, biting, pinching, and throwing things. Physical abuse often is accompanied by threats of violence or an ongoing fear that violence will erupt if the abused partner does or says the wrong thing.

Sexual Abuse.
Physical abuse can also be sexual in nature. Sexual abuse can include being forced or coerced into doing sexual activities you don't want to do or aren't ready for. The abusive partner might use emotional blackmail like, “If you really love me . . .” to pressure you into sexual activity.

It's important to remember that even if you have a sexual relationship with your partner, you always have the right to say no to physical or sexual contact of any kind. It doesn't matter how long you've been dating. It's your body. Even if you've been sexual with your partner before, you still have the right to say no now. If your partner doesn't respect that and tries to force or coerce you, that's abuse.

Been There:

“I was in a relationship for a few years and I actually thought it was a good one. I mean, we loved each other—what else do you need? Periodically, though, she'd tell me stuff like that I was difficult or that other people didn't really like me that much. If I told her I was hurt by what she said, she'd tell me, ‘You're just too sensitive.' She'd also imply that I was lucky she put up with me. I eventually broke up with her and it wasn't until I was out of the relationship for a while and had a new, healthy one that I realized just how unhealthy that other relationship was. I think because she never hit me and she was so fun a lot of the time I just overlooked the other stuff. But it took me a long time to repair the damage to my self-esteem that relationship had done.”
—Carmen, 19

It can be hard to recognize abuse when you're close to someone. Here are some questions to help you take a closer look at your situation. If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you could be in an abusive relationship:

• Does your partner call you names, insult you, or make you feel bad about yourself?
  
• Does your partner often demand to know where you've been (or are going) and who you talk to, call, email, or text?
  
• Does your partner try to control who you connect with online at social networking sites?
  
• Does your partner humiliate you, including in public or at school?
  
• Does your partner make all of the decisions in the relationship or get ugly when you disagree with what he wants?
  
• Do you make decisions about what you'll do or who you'll talk to based on how you think your partner will react?
  
• Does your partner try to control what you wear and/or what you eat? Does she make negative comments about your appearance?
  
• Are you ever afraid of your partner?
  
• Does your partner ever blame you for his behavior, telling you that it's your fault he hit you, scared you, or lost his temper?
  
• Do you find yourself making excuses to others for your partner's behavior, especially how she treats you?
  
• Does your partner try to keep you from spending time with your family or friends?
  
• Is your partner inconsiderate of your feelings? Does he tell you that you're blowing things out of proportion or that you're overreacting when you try to discuss his behavior?
  
• Is your partner jealous of your time? Does she insist on being with you constantly?
  
• Does your partner ever force or coerce you into engaging in intimate physical contact?
  
• Has your partner ever physically assaulted you, regardless of whether he caused a bruise or other injury?
  
• Has your partner ever verbally assaulted or threatened you?
  
• Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions or done something else to “punish” you?
  
• Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or herself if you leave the relationship?
  

If one or more of these sounds familiar, you might be in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is never acceptable. It is your right to leave an abusive (or any) relationship immediately. If you identify abuse (or patterns that could lead to it) in your relationship and want to address it with your partner, here is some guidance that could help.

1.
Tell him how his words or actions make you feel.
Emphasize that it's your right to feel safe and supported in relationships.

2.
If he is apologetic and seems genuinely remorseful, it's up to you whether you want to give him another chance.
But be very careful. Abusive relationships often have cycles. The abusive person is very apologetic for what he's done and swears he will “never do it again.” Things are good for a while, but then the old pattern of abuse can start again.

3.
If the abuse starts again, it's time to get out.
Everyone makes mistakes, but chances are the abuse is part of a cycle, and it's only a matter of time before that behavior shows itself again.

If you decide to get out of the relationship entirely, you have options. You can call national hotlines (like the ones listed under “
Abusive Relationships: Getting Help
”) or identify local resources by looking in a phone directory or searching online. Domestic violence organizations, rape crisis centers, and GLBTQ resource centers are all good places to start.

It can be difficult to reach out to people you know, but trusted adults can also provide support. Adults at home, older siblings, GSA sponsors, or trusted school officials are all possibilities. If you're not out to anyone, talking with someone in your life might not be an option. You can talk to someone anonymously at a local or national organization.

Soul singer Aretha Franklin had it right. Respect is the word to remember in relationships. Keep these tips in mind to be sure your relationships are healthy.

R
eact to your partner's negative behavior by talking to her or getting out of the relationship.

E
xpress your ideas and thoughts. If your partner tries to make you think or act a certain way, he's bad news.

S
pend your time only with people who are supportive and positive. If this doesn't include your partner, leave her behind.

P
ledge to yourself that you value your own well-being too much to tolerate an abusive relationship.

E
xpect to have a partner who respects you and who you respect in turn.

C
hoose for yourself. Don't let your partner dictate your decisions about who you talk to, what you eat, how you dress, or anything else.

T
alk to someone if you are in an abusive relationship. Tell this person you need help putting a stop to the abuse. It's okay to ask for help.

If you're thinking about relationships and dating, you're probably also thinking a bit (or maybe a lot) about your sexuality. Like relationships, sexuality can be a confusing and complicated issue. What works for one person might not for another. How do you know what you're ready for, or if you're even ready for a physical relationship? It can help to think about what questions you have and what you feel comfortable with
before
you end up in a position where you're confronted with decisions about physical intimacy.

Especially for GLBTQ teens, reliable information about sex can be tough to come by. You might feel that what you're hearing about sex from your friends, family members, adults at school, or religious leaders doesn't apply to you. If most everyone around you is assuming you're straight and has traditional ideas of sexuality and gender, getting the information you need about sex can seem impossible.

Making good decisions about sexual activity is tremendously important. When are you ready? What boundaries do you want to set for yourself with regard to physical intimacy? How well do you need to know or how much do you need to care for someone before you're ready to be intimate? What are you comfortable doing? What do you think sex is and what does it mean to you? Do you know how to stay safe sexually? Are you able to talk to someone you're dating about what your limits are for keeping yourself healthy physically and emotionally?

That's a lot to think about, and trying to process all of these questions can feel overwhelming. But they're important questions to answer
before
you start to engage in sexual activity. Don't feel discouraged. Accurate information is your best friend, and it is out there. What you know or learn about yourself, about what you believe, and about sex and sexuality will help guide you through your questions and help you make decisions that are right for you.

Beliefs—what you think is right and wrong and what you believe is important—are what people use to figure out their own behavior and their boundaries. People often develop their beliefs from their family, culture, and religion or spirituality. You might be comfortable with these beliefs based on this input, or you might choose to explore different beliefs. Adolescence is a very important time for establishing your independence and determining what beliefs you will adopt as your own.

If you can be open with family members, spiritual leaders, or others in your life, they might be able to help you think through your questions about what's right and wrong. They could help you think about what type of person you want to be. If you come from a religious, cultural, or family belief system that strongly disapproves of queer people, figuring out what you believe in can be more complicated. It can help to talk about your thoughts and feelings with a counselor or health/sexuality educator who is knowledgeable about GLBTQ issues. Or maybe there is another objective person you can trust who will listen without judgment and provide unbiased feedback.

The other information you need is the technical stuff about sex, sexuality, and how our bodies work. Questions like “What is queer sex?” and “What is safer sex?” are important to answer. This chapter is designed to help you recognize myths and misinformation about queer sex and sexuality and to give you some facts.

When information about sex is presented at school or at home, the usual assumption is that your partner will be someone of the opposite sex. Many parents don't think to raise the issue of GLBTQ sexuality when they're talking about sex. They might focus on discussing (or lecturing on) anatomy, pregnancy, abstinence, or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Also, if your parents are straight, their understanding of queer physical relationships is likely to be limited or nonexistent. And some parents, regardless of whether their kids are GLBTQ or straight, never have “the talk,” leaving you to get information about sex—accurate or inaccurate—from teachers or peers. Or you might not get any information at all.

When schools teach topics about human sexuality, they often avoid discussing queer relationships or gloss over the topic. A 2007 study of health education programs conducted by the Centers for Disease Control's (CDC) Division of Adolescent and School Health (DASH) found that 48 percent of U.S. schools taught about sexual identity and sexual orientation.

According to the “2009 National School Climate Survey” published by GLSEN, only 23 percent of students reported inclusion of GLBTQ-related topics in any of their classes. And only 4 percent of students said that GLBTQ-related information was included in their health classes.

The fact that most schools don't mention queer sexuality in their curricula might leave you feeling invisible and uninformed. For example, advice like, “Wait until you're married” isn't particularly useful to GLBTQ people who, at least for now, can't be legally married in most states.

You have a lot to think about before you decide what's right for you. This chapter will give you tools to make the choices that are healthiest for you based on your personal beliefs.

Becoming aware of your sexuality is a major part of adolescence, whether you're queer or straight. It can involve a lot of thinking about sex and what it means for you. It also involves making a lot of decisions.

Deciding to be sexually active is a big choice and a major milestone for many reasons. It can involve new physical experiences, intense emotions, and new responsibilities. Depending on the situation, you might find yourself needing to know a lot of things at once—from understanding how to keep yourself safe and healthy to being able to communicate honestly with a partner. Taking the time now to determine boundaries and get accurate information is an important way to respect and care for yourself.

You might decide not to have sex right now, to experiment with some activities but draw the line at others, or to actually have sex. In some ways you might feel ready, but in other ways you might not. You might have a lot of curiosity and a mix of facts and misinformation buzzing around in your mind. And that can lead to a lot of questions. Here are some common ones:

Q: I have sexual urges. Does that mean I'm ready?

A:
As you become more sexually aware, you're also changing emotionally. You could be having physical urges—which is completely normal—but you might also feel confused, worried, anxious, or unsure about acting on those urges.

There isn't a magic age when someone becomes ready to have sex. The factors that contribute to being emotionally and physically ready are personal and unique to each individual.

Q: Can I be sort of ready?

A:
If you feel like you're ready for sexual intimacy or sexual activity, that doesn't necessarily mean you're ready for sex. Thankfully, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. From holding hands and hugging to making out and beyond, many activities can be healthy expressions of affection and be both physically and emotionally pleasurable. You could be ready for some of them, but not yet others.
If you're doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling.
It might be an indicator that you're moving beyond what you're ready for.

It's up to you to set your boundaries. Learning how to set those boundaries is part of the process of maturing into someone who's comfortable being affectionate or sexual with someone else. Part of setting boundaries is being able to communicate with your partners even when the topic is embarrassing or difficult. Think about what you want and what's important to you. Talk with your partner about your feelings, and ask what your partner feels ready for. You might be ready for different things.

Gradually exploring is usually safer and more comfortable than jumping right in and “going all the way.” It also allows you to move at your own pace and decide one step at a time what you're ready for and what's too much, for now.

Q: Isn't pretty much everyone having sex?

A:
It's true that there are many teens who engage in sexual activity. There are also many teens who choose to wait or who set boundaries about their sexual activities. Doing it and feeling like you made the right decision can be two different things. Consider some research results:

The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) surveyed American adults about the first time they had sex and found that more than 80 percent were teens when they first had sex.
However
, many of those people, when looking back, weren't happy with their decisions. SIECUS reported that 65 percent of women and 45 percent of men regretted their decisions and thought they had sex at too early an age.

According to the CDC's “Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, 2009,” 46 percent of high school students had engaged in sexual intercourse. So although it might seem like it, not everyone is having sex. If you decide you're not ready or you're not interested, you'll have a lot of company (54 percent of your peers, to be precise).

Researchers have also found that some teens who tell their peers they've had sex are stretching the truth. With all the pressure to have sex, it's understandable that some teens feel the need to lie about their experiences. Some tell stories to get attention, to feel more mature, or to get people to quit asking if they're having sex. Knowing that they could be lying gives you another reason not to base your decisions on what your friends might or might not be doing.

If your friends really are having sex, you might feel left out or like they're growing up and you're not. Keep reminding yourself that what might be right for them isn't necessarily right for you. Only you can decide what you're ready for. Besides, if your friends are worth keeping, they won't pressure you to do anything that's not right for you.

Q: Sex is only right when you're in love, right?

A:
For some, sex is an expression of love between two people. For others, it's a physical pleasure that doesn't have to be accompanied by love. Even so, most people agree that the most fulfilling sexual experiences are those that happen with someone you care about. Still, being in love doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Been There:

“Don't let sex be the reason you are with the person you're with. Being sexually active is nothing compared with the emotional and mental connection that is important in the relationship.”
—Raina, 20