GLBTQ (7 page)

Been There:

“My parents signed me up for karate a couple years ago because I was getting harassed at school. It was scary at first because I didn't know much about it, but now I love it. It's made me more fit and more confident. It's also helped me be a better judge of when a situation might be dangerous so I can either avoid it entirely or get to safety.”
—Carlos, 16

The first option is to turn the other cheek. That's hard to do, because encountering homophobia can be so frustrating. Sometimes what you really feel like doing is lashing out, but try to consider the safest, most productive, and most effective ways to respond.

Some people use humor to help them turn the other cheek or to diffuse the situation. You can also ignore homophobia completely by acting like you didn't hear the remark or by not reacting to the sign stuck on your backpack; instead, just throw it away. But ignoring and forgiving homophobia can be extremely difficult, and it's rarely an option if you're placed in a dangerous situation.

Been There:

“I was just doing my thing at my locker when one of a group of girls looked at me and said, ‘You're a dyke.' I looked back at her and smiled and said, ‘You say that like it's a
bad
thing.' She was stunned. She just looked at me for a minute, then turned and walked away.”
—Anna, 17

Speaking up is another option. Again, consider the situation—responding to homophobia should be limited to situations when it would be, or at least could be, productive. (Sometimes productive simply means it makes
you
feel better.) If you keep your wits about you, you can sometimes turn a negative situation into a more positive one by speaking up when someone demonstrates homophobia.

If you decide to respond to someone who's being homophobic, here are a few ground rules that can help achieve a positive result:

1. Don't match insult for insult. This will only escalate the situation.

2. Try to get the person to name her behavior by asking in a nonconfrontational tone (if you can manage it), “Why would you say something like that?” or “Are you aware that sounds homophobic?” or something similar.

3. State how the comments or actions make you feel instead of something negative about the person who said them. Instead of saying, “You're only saying that because you're ignorant,” try, “There are a lot of misconceptions about queer people. We're all human beings, and it can really hurt to hear those kinds of things.”

4. If a person becomes (or is already) threatening or aggressive, get yourself out of the situation as quickly and calmly as possible.

There may be times when it's appropriate just to turn around and say, “I really didn't appreciate that comment.” However, if you're going to respond to homophobia, include something constructive. Tell the person why you don't appreciate his comments or how the comments or actions make you feel, but keep your cool while you're doing it. Homophobia is an issue that's easy to get upset about. A comment you intended to be constructive could escalate into a fight. In the heat of the moment, it can be tough to think of something to say beyond four-letters words.

Been There:

“When I was in tenth grade, a teacher mentioned something about there being gay students at our school and the girl I was sitting next to asked, ‘There are gay people in this school?' The guy sitting next to her, the girl sitting in front of her, and I all turned and said ‘yes' at the same time. By my twelfth-grade year, no one would ask that question.”
—Alex, 19

Following are some common homophobic remarks, along with possible responses. Some are humorous, some are not, but all are designed to make people think about what they said. In each case, you can customize responses based on whether someone is addressing your sexual orientation or gender identity.

When someone tells a homophobic joke.

Possible response:
“When you tell jokes like that, you give the impression that it's okay to make fun of GLBTQ people. Is that what you really believe?”

“He's such a fag,” or “You look like a dyke.”

Possible response:
“How would you feel if I called you a ‘breeder' or a ‘hetero'?” or “What's with the hate?”

“Ugh, that's so gay. Oh, you know, I don't mean it that way. It's just an expression.”

Possible response:
“It's still hurtful to hear,” or “I understand what you're saying, but if you don't mean it that way, maybe another expression that doesn't insult people would be more appropriate,” or even, “Maybe you don't mean it that way, but that's how a lot of people hear it. Are you okay with people thinking you're homophobic?”

“What do queer people do in bed?”

Possible response:
“Sleep. Sometimes we watch TV or read.”

“You don't
look
gay.”

Possible response:
“That's because I'm one of our secret agents. It's such a relief to know the disguise is working,” or “What does gay look like to you?”

To a girl: “You just haven't met the right guy yet.”

Possible response to another girl:
“Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet.”

“You're just going through a phase.”

Possible response:
“Is my entire life a phase?” or “I know I'm gay in the same way you know you're straight.”

“Queer people spread AIDS.”

Possible response:
“According to the National Institutes of Health, the highest transmission rates are among heterosexuals.”

“Why do gay people have to flaunt who they are?”

Possible response:
“Refusing to hide is not flaunting,” or “I'm just being me.”

“People like you are disgusting.”

Possible response:
“Ignorance and hatred are disgusting.” Another option when you hear a homophobic remark or question is to name it. Say, “That comment is homophobic,” or even ask, “What is it about queer people that makes you so afraid?”

Although it can be satisfying to give a cutting reply, it's not necessarily going to inspire a change in behavior. Another option, which goes hand-in-hand with speaking up, is trying to turn the incident into an educational opportunity. You can address the roots of homophobia by asking something like, “What ideas do you have about gay people that make you say that?”

Realistically, this approach will be more effective with friends and acquaintances than with someone who is threatening to hurt you. Also, people are more likely to engage in a conversation when they're not surrounded by a group of their friends, who might be egging them on. Use your judgment. Not everyone will be receptive, but even if someone doesn't react positively right away, down the road she might think about what you said and it might have a more lasting and positive effect.

Some people don't even realize that things they say are offensive. It can be particularly painful when a friend or family member makes negative comments or jokes about GLBTQ people. Some people ask personal questions that they wouldn't ask their straight friends, and that can be offensive, too. So sometimes it's good to engage people about their comment instead of zinging them and walking away. They could learn something.

Like George Loomis, Jacob Sullivan, and other teens who have taken formal action to end harassment and educate others, young people all over are working to create change locally and nationally. Steven Cozza, an Eagle Scout and professional cyclist, took on the entire Boy Scouts of America when he was just 12 years old. Steven's willingness to speak out against homophobia in Scouting ignited a national movement. His group, Scouting for All, continues to advocate for gay Scouts.

You can make a difference in a lot of ways. Maybe you'll decide to join or start a GSA or another GLBTQ group at school. Or you might get involved with a local or national organization. Groups like GLSEN, GLAAD, and HRC, to name just a few, are always happy for more volunteers. They also can provide you with ideas about things you can do to make your own area or school a friendlier place for queer people.

Been There:

“One year we organized a National Coming Out Day event, which consisted of putting up posters and handing out rainbow stickers. It was great. There were rainbows all over the school, including on many people's backpacks who I'd never even met! But best of all, people stopped using ‘gay' as an all-purpose insult. When people started to realize that they knew gay people and that gay people were being affected by slurs, a lot of people stopped using them.”
—Jan, 19

“I got involved with a group called Lambda . . . which had a speakers' bureau. We would go to high schools and middle schools and talk to students and teachers about our experiences coming out and answer questions that they had.”
—Nancy, 19

Getting involved and working for change not only can produce a positive result, but it may also help you feel better about yourself and the homophobia you might be facing. Dealing with ignorance again and again can be depressing, frustrating, and isolating; at times, you might even feel helpless against it. Getting involved in GLBTQ causes can empower you to change your world. It's also a great way to gain support and meet other GLBTQ people and individuals who are open-minded.

Being an activist can be a very consuming experience. Be sure to make time for yourself, your schoolwork, your job, your friends, and any other positive things you have in your life.

Been There:

“We have become part of the ‘post-gay' era when some people just want to live their lives, maybe not even coming out . . . or not taking part in any activist events because they think they are boring, the events don't have anything to do with them, or they don't think anything will be accomplished. I'm not judging this attitude . . . but I feel that if we are not visible we will always be in the shadows. People won't notice our needs and the prejudice we still face. A bit of participation in a few events will show the world we are not afraid . . . even if we are.”
—Isaac, 20

Sometimes homophobia reveals itself in harassment, which can take the form of bullying, either in person, online (cyberbullying), or a combination of the two. Not just a remark here or there (although those remarks can hurt), but constant badgering, escalating teasing, or physical threats. Bullying and harassment are not okay, and you don't have to live with it.

GLSEN advises students to document incidents of bullying. Write down who did or said what, when, and where. Note anyone who was there and witnessed the incident. And keep it all together in a file or notebook. That way when you report it, you have a written record of exactly what happened. Also keep a written record of who you report the harassment to, what you said, where you talked, and when the meeting happened. This information especially comes in handy if there is no follow-through from the person or people you tell.