GLBTQ (22 page)

The fact is no chemically induced high comes without a hitch. For anything drugs give you, they take away something else. And what they take is a lot more valuable to you in the long run than the high they give you in the short run. Some teens stay away from so-called club drugs, but try diet pills or performance-enhancing drugs. The rule still applies even if the substance is herbal. Drug use comes with consequences, some of which are life threatening.

No matter what anyone tells you or how badly you might sometimes feel, you have the potential to make anything you want of your life. You can do amazing things. If you need help getting through a rough spot, reach out for it. It's there and it's never too late.

Been There:

“I remember shooting up a mixture of heroin and cocaine, and what happened next really scared me to the point of not wanting to touch drugs and alcohol again. I was 20 and I was down on my knees in the middle of the night, blood pouring out of my nose, throwing up. I just remember praying that if I woke from this that I would never touch drugs again. I was very lucky during that time I was using drugs that I didn't catch anything, that I wasn't raped, or that I didn't kill anyone else or myself.”
—Xian, 26

If you're using drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, quitting could be one of the most difficult things you ever do in your life, especially if you're still coming to terms with being GLBTQ. Even though it's challenging, getting clean will also be one of the most positive things you can do. It's a crucial step to getting yourself back on track.

No matter what forces are working against you (your dad can't accept that you're queer, you're being harassed at school, you're feeling isolated), you do have the power to change your life. No matter what's going on outside of you, a whole lot of strength exists inside you. You
can
stay sober.

Here's some advice on how to get and stay sober:

Recognize that you have a problem.
Is it hard or even impossible for you to function without drugs, alcohol, or tobacco? Be honest. If you don't see a problem, you can't solve it.

Get help.
The support of your family members, friends, doctor, or counselor can be of great help when you quit using. If you don't feel you can approach a parent about your substance use, seek the support of another adult you trust. Talk with your guidance counselor, your favorite teacher, a relative, a religious leader, a doctor, or another caring adult. It's important that someone—an adult—knows about your problem and can be there to help. This can be tough because it probably will involve you coming out to the person you talk with, but you can do it. You're worth it.

Remember why you're trying to quit.
Getting sober won't be easy. It helps, though, to remember the benefits of overcoming addiction. You'll feel better both physically and mentally. And conquering drugs and alcohol will make you a stronger person than you probably thought you could be.

After you've stopped drinking or taking drugs, it can be hard to stay off them. Here are some things that might help you:

Once you start a treatment program, tell your friends about your decision to stop using drugs.
Your true friends will respect and support your decision. It is possible that you'll have to find a new group of friends who are completely supportive of your efforts to stay sober. Avoid hanging around people you used to do drugs, drink, or smoke with if they continue to use. It can be very easy to fall back into old habits and behaviors.

Let your friends and family know how important their support is and ask them to be there for you when you need them.
It's important that you have someone you can call in the middle of the night if you need to talk. Even if you don't end up calling, knowing someone is there can help a lot.

Only accept invitations to events that you know (or are at least reasonably certain) won't involve drinking or drugs.
Especially when you're first recovering, it's safer to avoid situations in which you may be tempted to use.

Plan in advance what you'll do in situations where alcohol or drugs are around.
You'll likely be tempted to start using or drinking again, but knowing beforehand how you'll approach difficult situations can make them easier to deal with. Your plan might be as simple as “get the heck out of there.” Even so, if you know in advance what you'll do, it's easier to follow through and take care of yourself when you need to.

Always remember that having an addiction doesn't make you a bad or weak person.
If you slip up in your efforts to stay clean, get help as soon as possible. But remember how difficult what you're doing is and know that there's nothing to be ashamed of. You can get back on track. You've made a lot of positive changes in your life and one lapse doesn't change that.

Been There:

“As I complete six years clean and sober, I have just begun finding out who I really am. Now I find myself surrounded by men and women whose friendship I am thankful for every day.”
—Lee, 26

Issues like homophobia and ignorance about gender identity are things that you sometimes have little or no control over. Focusing on things you can control, such as adopting positive and healthy behaviors, goes a long way toward creating a happier and more fulfilling life for yourself.

Many different aspects make up who you are as a person. Sexuality is an important part of the whole, but religion, culture, and ethnicity also play a role in your day-to-day life. They can influence your priorities, how you see yourself, and how you relate to others in society. If you were raised with strong religious or cultural beliefs, coming to terms with your gender identity or sexual orientation might leave you feeling confused about who you are or your place in the world.

Some people have trouble accepting themselves as GLBTQ, or they have trouble gaining acceptance from loved ones, because of religious beliefs and cultural traditions. The roots of religion and culture can run very deep, and anything that challenges those beliefs can be met with resistance and even anger. This might make it hard to understand yourself or for others, such as family and friends, to understand you. Accepting yourself and coming out is even more stressful if you feel that you have to choose between your cultural or ethnic identity and being GLBTQ.

Religion and culture sometimes are difficult to separate as influences because religion can play a key role in defining the beliefs and traditions common to a culture. For example, Catholicism is often an integral part of Latino and Filipino cultures. Islam is influential in cultures around the world from the Middle East to parts of Asia, the Pacific Rim, and even America. The Christian faith often is considered to be a cornerstone of African-American culture.

If your religion teaches that it's wrong to be GLBTQ, that belief might surface throughout the culture, not just inside the temple, church, or mosque. It's not surprising that you could find yourself with conflicted emotions. On one hand, you want to come to terms with your sexuality and accept yourself. On the other hand, you've grown up as a part of a religion or culture that teaches that who you are is not okay. So now what?

For some families with GLBTQ loved ones, religion can be a huge challenge to reconcile. For others, it's not an issue at all, either because they do not observe a religion or their religion or faith is inclusive and openly accepting of GLBTQ people. Then there are those in the middle—queer people whose families accept them, but their religions do not.

Religion is important in many people's lives and that might be true for you, too. In the United States and many other countries, it's very common to grow up in a family that practices some kind of organized religion. According to several Gallup polls conducted in 2008, 77 percent of Americans identify as some form of Christian (this includes both Protestants and Catholics). Slightly greater than 1 percent identified as Jewish and slightly less than 1 percent identified as “other,” which includes Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, and other religions. Additionally, 12 percent of Americans reported no religious identity.

On the surface, religion and sexuality don't seem to have much to do with each other. Being GLBTQ is about your sexual orientation or gender identity—the result of a combination of biological and emotional factors. Religion is about spiritual beliefs. So why is religion such a complicated and even painful issue for many GLBTQ people?

Many major religions have difficulty accepting or finding a place for their GLBTQ members for various reasons. They can be scriptural, historical, rooted in cultural traditions that have become part of religious beliefs, or a combination of these.

For example, some religions believe that a union between a man and a woman is sacred either because it is stated or they
interpret
that it is stated in scripture. A strong, positive, and loving relationship between two people is definitely something to celebrate. However, the idea that the union between a man and a woman is sacred is often held because the couple can reproduce without scientific intervention. In fact, some religions believe that a couple should have sexual intercourse only for the purpose of reproduction—not for pleasure—and that the use of contraception is immoral. As a result of such beliefs, GLBTQ people can find themselves, their sexuality, and their relationships rejected by their religion because reproduction isn't the primary purpose of their romantic and physical relationships.

Knowledge can be your best path to finding acceptance and understanding in your religious community. When people start looking at where their personal beliefs and their religion's beliefs come from, it can get them thinking. The question, “Why do we believe this?” might seem simple, but people can be afraid to explore or challenge their own belief systems. Often they're afraid that what they could discover about some of their beliefs might end up invalidating all of them.

If you're struggling with your religion, find out about its history and where anti-GLBTQ beliefs might have originated. Read the original writings or scriptures to get a better idea of how others have interpreted them. An issue or idea can be taken out of context and personal opinions can influence interpretations. And something that is supposedly expressly stated in scripture might not be unequivocal after all.

If you have a loved one who's struggling with her religion and anti-GLBTQ beliefs, talk with her about what you've learned. She might not be willing to listen, or she might sit down and really consider the information. Investigating your religion's roots and starting a dialogue are positive steps toward reconciling who you are with your religious beliefs. If you're at a loss as to how to approach family, friends, or people in your religious community, refer back to the coming out information in Chapter 3 for tips on effective communication. Much of that advice is appropriate for approaching a wide variety of topics that can be difficult to discuss.

Been There:

“My mother struggled with religious issues above all else. It was very difficult for her for a long while, but then she found a book called
Prayers for Bobby
by Leroy Aarons. That book changed the way she felt almost overnight.”
—Robert, 15

Many religious communities are engaged in debates about their queer members. These debates might include whether or not to accept GLBTQ members, specific conditions under which GLBTQ members are allowed to be part of the congregation, and whether or not to perform same-sex marriage or commitment ceremonies. While some religions might never accept GLBTQ people, many are finally thinking and talking about it. That's where change begins. Even when religious leaders decide not to accept GLBTQ people, debates over the issue can help open and change individuals' minds. Several individual congregations have declared themselves open and accepting of queer people.

It can be very discouraging to hear that a group of religious leaders has officially decided not to welcome GLBTQ people. Don't think about this in terms of an entire denomination or congregation, because within any group, some of the people will disagree and accept queer people.

Many religious groups have or are taking part in debates about whether leadership roles can be filled by gays and/or lesbians. (Some of these religions still do not allow women, whether straight or gay, to hold leadership roles.) On July 8, 2010, leaders in the Presbyterian Church voted to allow non-celibate gay people in committed relationships to serve as clergy. Previously, all clergy, deacons, and elders had to be married or celibate.

The Episcopal denomination has also made great strides in GLBTQ acceptance. It not only allows openly gay people to serve as priests, but also allows them to become bishops.

The debate in the Catholic Church over allowing openly gay priests is ongoing, though one alternative Catholic denomination—the North American Old Catholic Church—has already ordained several priests who are openly gay.

The Jewish community has both openly gay rabbis and openly gay Orthodox rabbis. In August 2010, 150 Orthodox Jewish rabbis signed a statement of acceptance toward gays and lesbians practicing in their faith. The statement read in part, “Jews with homosexual orientations or same-sex attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community.”

Religion and culture can be very personal, meaningful aspects of a person's life, and that doesn't have to change because you're queer. You might find a place for yourself in your religion or in a different spiritual tradition. Or you could follow your spiritual beliefs as an individual rather than as part of a group. You might even connect with other like-minded individuals and create your own community online.

Been There:

“I don't consider myself as having a religious background because organized religion is not the way for me to go. I consider myself a very spiritual person without the aspect of religion. Religion doesn't affect me either way, at least not on a level I notice. I know that learning that I'm GLBTQ would affect my family very negatively. They can't see beyond the religion.”
—Li, 20

Here are some common questions and answers that might help you figure out what's best for you right now:

Q: What do I do if my place of worship doesn't accept GLBTQ people?

A:
First, are you sure that queer people aren't welcome at your place of worship, or have you made that assumption on your own? Have you been taught that it's wrong to be GLBTQ, or do you assume your congregation isn't accepting either because nothing has been said about it or because you don't know of any other GLBTQ members?