GLBTQ (15 page)

Who are you talking to?
You can never be absolutely sure who you're talking to online, so be careful and make decisions about what you say accordingly. Don't give out personal information like your phone number or where you live. It can be surprisingly easy to mention personal information in conversation without thinking about it. Typing something as simple as, “My little sis, Sarah, is scared because there's a huge storm brewing here in Little Creek,” tells others where you live and that you have a younger sister, as well as her name. That might seem harmless, but someone with bad intentions could be looking for that type of information.

Meeting someone you became acquainted with online could be extremely dangerous. Your new friend could be exactly who he says he is—or he might not be. It's important to wait to meet someone you've met online until you can be accompanied by a family adult or another adult you trust.

Be
very
wary of anyone who requests a photo, especially if they ask for it right away, and
never
send a revealing photo. It's just not safe, and it's definitely not smart. You never know where the picture will show up, but it's a good bet that the person you send it to won't be the only one who sees it. Once it's out there, there's no getting it back. The same applies to sending sexually suggestive or explicit emails or text messages (often called “sexting”). It might seem like a fun idea at the time, but keep in mind that those messages can easily be saved and forwarded (and often are).

When chatting online, ditch anyone who uses inappropriate, suggestive, or coercive language—you don't need to waste your time on people who make you uncomfortable, speak to you disrespectfully, or attempt to manipulate you.

Be yourself. As you're looking for GLBTQ friends, keep in mind that not just any queer person will do. As with all friendships, you need to be true to yourself. It's great to be friends with other GLBTQ people, as long as they're people you would pick to be your friends otherwise.

Don't waste your time on people who try to talk you into doing negative things, like using drugs and alcohol, just because they're GLBTQ. Queer people are just like anyone else—everyone is different. You'll like some and you won't like others. But don't lower your standards just to make friends. Knowing who you are and sticking to your beliefs can ensure you won't become involved in unhealthy relationships or activities.

Thinking about all of this could have you feeling like it's the first day of school all over again. Try not to worry, you'll make some good friends. Just to prove it, here are five reasons why:

1. You're true to your beliefs.

2. You're proud of who you are (or at least you're working on it).

3. You respect others' opinions.

4. You have a lot to offer.

5. You know that life can be very serious, but there's still a lot of room for fun.

Been There:

“My senior year I realized I was living for myself and no one else. I had no one to please but me. I hung out with the people I wanted to and didn't worry about people other than that. I did the things I wanted to do and spoke my mind whether or not someone else agreed with it.”
—Emily, 18

Straight friendships are no less valuable than GLBTQ ones. In fact, it's good to be friends with a wide variety of people. Exposure to different viewpoints helps make you a well-rounded, considerate person.

It can be easy to become frustrated with some of your straight friends if they make remarks that you feel are insensitive or ignorant. But try to be patient with them. Bring remarks to their attention and calmly explain why they hurt your feelings or upset you. Many times you'll find that it's just a misunderstanding and your friend didn't realize how what she said sounded, or she thoughtlessly said something out of habit, or she didn't think it would be offensive. We all have things we can learn from each other. Give her a chance. You might be the first GLBTQ person she knows.

However, if you have a friend who is repeatedly offensive or even abusive and who doesn't care whether you're offended, you might want to rethink the friendship. GLBTQ or straight, do you really want to be friends with someone who treats you or anyone else like that?

After you come out to a straight friend, he might feel uncomfortable (or he might be completely cool with it). Maybe he's still getting used to it and isn't exactly sure what your coming out to him means. Does it mean you're going to start dressing, acting, or talking in a different way? Will you still want to be friends or will you want new GLBTQ ones instead? Does it mean you want to date him?

These questions might come up right away, down the road, or not at all. But take time to address them if they do come up, because it will make your friendship stronger. Also, knowledge is contagious. The next time your friend hears someone demeaning GLBTQ people, he just might intervene. And that's how people and society start to change for the better.

Depending on where you live, the dating scene for GLBTQ teens may be quite happening—or it may seem like it's
not
happening. But regardless of whether you're in an urban, a suburban, or even a rural area, options do exist. Maybe your town doesn't hold events like queer proms, but GLBTQ teens still find ways to get together and have fun. As you become more comfortable with your sexuality, you might even start dating a little . . . or maybe a lot. The important thing to remember: whether you're experienced with dating, just beginning, or only starting to think about it, you decide how to run your love life.

When you're a teen, there can be a lot of pressure to date. But not everyone is ready. It all depends on where you are mentally and emotionally, and no two people are the same in that regard. If you're still trying to figure out who you are, it can be difficult to try to start a relationship with someone else. Still, for all teens—gay and straight—dating can be a normal and healthy part of developing positive personal relationships with others.

Been There:

“To be honest, I haven't really dated anyone. I've only ever kissed one girl, and I don't even speak to her now. I have found a few people through GLBTQ websites and such, but mostly people to talk to. A few have become my friends.”
—Kelly, 19

Dating can be a lot of fun, but it can also feel like torture if you don't feel free to date the people you're really interested in. Many queer people end up in straight relationships or dating situations because they feel it's expected of them. Some may be attempting to fit in or trying to change their feelings of being queer.

It's common for GLBTQ teens to try to change or fit in. Some teens date people of the opposite sex in an attempt to hide their sexual orientation or in the hopes that it will make them heterosexual. Some even engage in heterosexual sex to try to deny their true identities.

If you find yourself in a situation where you're doing something that doesn't feel right, ask yourself if you're dating contrary to your wants and needs because you feel like you have to. If it's making you unhappy, you don't have to go on these dates. If, on the other hand, these dates are more about friends hanging out, then it's okay. The key is to be true to yourself and honest with the person you're spending time with.

If you're questioning, dating might be a positive way for you to explore your sexual orientation. You can meet new people, have some fun, and figure some things out. But while dating can help you answer some questions, sex won't. Engaging in sexual activity for the purpose of figuring out who you are is a bad idea, and it's not necessary. Being GLBTQ is about a lot more than who you sleep with. It's about your personal identity, so you don't need to have sex to become certain of your sexual orientation.

And you don't even have to date. If you're really feeling conflicted about your identity, the thought of dating might not appeal to you right now. The important thing is to listen to yourself. Don't do anything you're not ready for, because if you push yourself, things will just become more stressful. Remember, everything will sort itself out if you give it (and yourself) a chance.

This checklist can help you figure out if you're ready. So, before you check out the dating scene, be sure to check off each of these items:

I'm confident in myself.

I don't feel like I need someone else's approval, and I don't feel the need to please others to the detriment of myself.

I'm confident I can say “no” if someone pressures me to do something I don't want to do or am not sure about.

I can be respectful of others' feelings and beliefs and won't try to force them to do something they're not comfortable with.

If things don't work out with one person, I know plenty of others are out there.

Most of us get our ideas about romance from movies and TV, and there aren't that many examples of Lance sweeping Hector off his feet and living happily ever after, or of LaTisha and Gabrielle waltzing off into the sunset (although there are a lot more than there used to be). When queer relationships are shown, sometimes they're amplified versions of unhealthy relationship patterns. The lack of positive GLBTQ dating role models can make some teens nervous about the idea of dating.

It's natural to have a lot of questions and some confusion as you enter the queer dating scene. Most likely, a lot of what you've learned is probably modeled after boy-girl dating. So what happens if it's boy-boy or girl-girl? Here are some common questions and answers:

Q: What's a GLBTQ relationship supposed to be like? How do I know what to do if we're both boys/girls?

A:
What's any relationship supposed to be like? Starting to date is a confusing time for everyone, but it might feel a lot more confusing if you're GLBTQ. A lot of our behavior is based on long-held ideas about female and male roles in relationships. Being GLBTQ is a great opportunity to throw those stereotypes out the window and just be yourself. Let the personalities of you and the other person dictate what the relationship is like. As long as you're true to yourself and the relationship is healthy, you're off to a good start.

Been There:

“The best thing about my boyfriend is that I don't feel like I have to worry what he'll think about anything. We're just cool with each other, and that's the most amazing feeling-when someone likes you just how you are.”
—Troy, 17

Q: How do I figure out who should pay?

A:
More and more people are going Dutch—each person pays for his or her share. Many teens don't have a lot of pocket money to start with, so it helps if you split the tab. If only one person is going to pay, it's usually the person who initiated the date. But who says dates have to cost a lot of money? See the next answer for some cheap or free options.

Q: Where is a good place to go on a date?

A:
The standards are dinner, a movie, or someplace like a coffee shop, mall, or arcade where you can hang out. Nothing wrong with those—they're classics. GLBTQ-friendly places like social events at queer community centers and underage clubs are great though, too, because you can be yourself. Really, when it comes to what to do on the date, you're limited only by your creativity. Museums, a picnic in the park, or a hike are also great cheap or free options. (If you're doing something like going for a hike, bike ride, or similar outdoor activity, make sure you choose a well-traveled path and that someone else knows where you're going to be. Safety first!)

Q: Is it true that GLBTQ people are more promiscuous? Should I expect physical contact on the date?

A:
Myth alert! That's not true. Queer people are, by nature, no more promiscuous than their straight counterparts. And you certainly shouldn't feel like you have to engage in sexual activity to find out if you're GLBTQ, to prove something to someone (even yourself), to make another person happy, or for any other reason. Just like anyone else, you should take the time you need to be sure you're absolutely, positively ready and that the other person is the one you're ready to share that part of yourself with.

Q: If I don't know a lot of GLBTQ people, will I just have to settle for dating whoever is around?

A:
Absolutely not. One of the downsides of being GLBTQ in middle or high school is that you probably have fewer dating options than some of your straight friends. Nevertheless, you don't have to settle. If someone doesn't particularly interest you, you don't have to date him or her just because he or she is one of the only GLBTQ people you know.