Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody)
Brains for the
Zombie Soul
a parody
Nearly 101 Heartwarming
and Inspirational Stories
Celebrating the Differently Animated
Michelle Hartz, Ph.Z.
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Michelle Hartz
All rights reserved. Published 2012.
“Ph.Z.” and “Philosopher of Zombieology” from
“Ace Your Zombie Exam!: The Official Ph.Z. Study Guide” Copyright
2011 David P. Murphy
“Zombie Rights Campaign” Copyright 2008-2011 by
the Zombie Rights Campaign, under a Creative Commons
Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 United States License.
The ZRC is not affiliated with the Human Rights
Campaign in any way, shape or form, and we applaud their goal to
bring basic human rights to, you know, basic human beings. We just
want to do the same for those human beings who happen to be undead.
Any similarities to the HRC are intended as parody, and really, if
the folks in charge of the HRC can’t take a joke then I guess
they’re just lucky that people don’t go to the movies to watch THEM
get hacked to pieces by chainsaws and cricket bats.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters,
places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s
imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual
persons, living, dead, or in between, business establishments,
events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
This book is also in print at most online
retailers.
Information on ordering additional copies of
this book available online at
www.hartzdesign.com
.
This ebook is licensed for your personal
enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to
other people. If you would like to share this book with another
person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If
you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not
purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com
and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work
of this author.
****
Table of Contents
Family
The
Meaning of Family
A Trip to the
Mall
The Homeless
Aunt
A Boy and His
Dog
Found At
Sea
Zombie
Mom
Mother and
Child
Graduation
Friends & Enemies
The
Unemployment Line
Operation Reanimation
A
Soldier Back from War
Carrying
Groceries
Reservation in the
Desert
Prophettown
The
Neighbors
Movie
Star
Zombies and
Geeks
Slaves
Zombie
Dungeon
Idleness
Brings Want
First Day
of School
On the Front
Lines
Friends and Enemies
A
Christmas Miracle
Love
Just Another
Bum
Ronaldo and
Julia
The
Locket
Lost
Lovers
Grande
Caramel Latte
Sweet
Justice
Fine
China
Trimming the
Tree
Easter at
Church
Switching
Sides
Slave
Strangers
Hollywood
Not A Snow
Day
Hope
Lies with the Children
The
Diner
Home for the Differently
Animated
Advertising
Bonnie’s
Bears
The Hospital
Room
Cookies
Playing Guitar on the
Beach
Plantation
Owner
Zoo
Amusement
Park
Jumper
Christmas
Necklace
Lost
Kitten
No
Swimming
Quite A
Pair
Family
Movie Night
African
School
Celebrations
Death
Day
The
Wake
Obituary
Valentine’s
Day
Zombie Man and Zombie
Wife
A Zombie
Christmas
Thanksgiving
4th of
July
Overcoming Limitations
Daisy
Plazas
Zombie Auto
Werks
Scholarship
True
Bravery
The
Triathlon
Football
Team
Super
Zombie!
Scrooged
Marathon
Classics
The Little
Zombie
Fairy
Zombie
The Two
Princes
Cinderella
All the
King’s Horses
The
Tortoise and the Hare
The
Three Little Zombies
Sleeping
Beauty
The Three
Zombies
Undead
Chicken Little
About
the Zombie Rights Campaign
****
Acknowledgements
I originally came up with the concept for
this book in September of 2009 after attending a zombie party. I
went in disguise and I think I was accepted by the zombies there.
At the same time, I was introduced to the Zombie Rights Campaign
and my mind was opened to the troubles of the differently
animated.
With that in mind, I would like to thank the
following people:
Karen and Noah for all their help with editing.
This little acknowledgement can not show how much I appreciate it.
Also Andrew, Sarah, David, Josh, Audrey, Elizabeth, Jessica, and
Dan for reading and giving me feedback.
The crew and volunteers at National Novel
Writing Month, for actually getting me off my butt and writing
books. Now I’m addicted to writing novels every November.
My fabulous NaNoWriMo writing group for all of
their support, including Sarah, Andrew, Leandra, John, Karen, Nate,
Beth, Rosie, Stephen, Leigha, Loretta, Avery, Liza, Casey, and
everyone else that came to my write ins.
A special thank you to my good friend and
NaNoWriMo buddy Audrey James, for feeding me, showing me movies,
taking me to drag shows, boozing me up, and just keeping me
motivated in general.
Basement Boy, Woody, Doctor Calamari, and Baron
Mardi from Atomic Age Cinema, and the organizers of Dark Carnival,
who arranged the zombie party that started me on this journey.
John, Jenny and the rest of the staff at the
Zombie Rights Campaign for their great work at making the world a
better place for the differently animated.
My sister for her unwavering faith in me, and
for being generally sisterly, cool, and awesome.
And finally to my sexy, intelligent and
wonderfully supportive husband, also known as Liquid Braino, for
making sure I did things like eat and sleep in, and not do things
like play video games when I should be writing. And for keeping my
cuppa Zombie Brew full.
****
Introduction
No
matter how many brains you consume, it will never satisfy the
soul.
Upon looking through the shelves of the local
bookstore, it is hard to find any literature that doesn’t vilify
the undead. A work that caters to them exclusively is rare
indeed.
The stories within are intended to stir passion
into the reader. Here are stories of love, of anger, and of
perseverance. Hopefully, they will inspire you to overcome the
difficulties you face in everyday life, and warm your heart,
whether or not it still beats.
Enjoy this book like a fine wine and the grapes
it’s made from, crushed, killed, then brought back to life. Read
this like a wine tasting, sample different types of stories, some
as sweet as brains, some as dry as an aged zombie’s skin.
Speaking of brains, no, not all zombies eat
brains. The dietary needs of zombies are just as varied as the
dietary needs of the living. While some require brains to survive,
many could care less for them.
If there is one thing to take away from this
book, it is that the differently animated are as diverse as the
living. For the zombies reading, I hope this book will serve as a
companion to you and perhaps make you feel less alone.
****
Share With Us
This
is only a small compilation of stories that depict the differently
animated in a good light. Zombies do good deeds and overcome
adversity on a daily basis, permanently changing the lives they
touch.
We want to hear your stories. They are out
there, and the zombies need to be heard. Please send us your
stories for consideration in future editions.
We hope you enjoy reading these stories as much
as we enjoy sharing them.
****
Family
The Meaning
of Family
The Rhabdoviridae Orthomyxoviridate virus
outbreak broke many families apart.
Before scientists knew the true properties of
the “zombie virus,” the public’s ignorance led to disaster. People
who found themselves forced into this new unlife couldn’t cope, and
neither could their friends and family.
Marriages were broken up, citing “until death do
us part” as a condition to terminate the marital contract. Spouses
were no longer welcome into their own households.
Child Protective Services declared zombies unfit
parents. Children were taken away from zombie parents. If even one
parent was a zombie, the household was deemed unfit for
children.
Not even zombie children were tolerated. They
were disowned by their parents, left to fend for themselves on the
streets.
A rash of murders spread all over the country,
and soon all over the world. Zombie hunters made it their mission
to rid the earth of zombies. They had support from the people, who
saw it as the only way to stop the zombie outbreak. Zombies of any
age, race, or creed would be killed on sight. Even innocent people
got caught in the crossfire if they resembled a zombie in any way.
The general consensus was that the sacrifices were needed for the
good of the whole. The senseless killing of living people affected
the beggars and homeless the most, so the people were able to
justify it to themselves.
The bloodshed wasn’t limited to the streets.
Husbands and wives bashed in the heads of their zombie spouses.
Parents mercifully (or so they thought) severed the heads from
their children. Even parishioners brought guns into church to
“cleanse” the congregation on Sunday mornings.
Misinformation spread about how the zombie virus
was transmitted, and citizens didn’t even want to enter buildings
that had previously had zombies in them. Towns were destroyed and
hospitals burnt.
The zombies fled from the towns in a mass exodus
and set up camps in unpopulated areas in which they could defend
themselves.
Meanwhile, finally science was making progress.
Researchers discovered that there was nothing to fear from
zombieism, although allaying the fears of the general public was
harder. Nevertheless, humanitarian groups sprung up to help the
zombies with their special needs.
This is the climate that created the zombie and
living segregated society. In the safety of their own communities,
zombies were able to live almost normal lives.
A young housewife named Kristen, who had
contracted the virus, took her husband’s ostracization of her hard.
She spent the days in the local zombie camp in tears. She slept,
ate, and drank only so she could have the strength to continue
crying.
Then a handsome but gentle young man named
Rodney came into the reservation. He had been turned into a zombie
right before his wedding day. He helped Kristen to see that she was
still the same, loving person she had always been.
Slowly but surely, Rodney and Kristen fell in
love. Rodney convinced Kristen to divorce her husband. Although it
wasn’t necessary - their marriage had already been annulled as it
would be an illegal union of the living and undead - it gave her
the closure she needed.
