GLBTQ (11 page)

Been There:

“My father's response was simple. He stood up, gave me a hug, and said, ‘You remember I said I would always love you, right?' I said, ‘Yes.' And he said, ‘I meant it.'”
—Scott, 19

Reaction: “How am I supposed to deal with this? Everyone will talk about us or think it's my fault.”

Possible response:
“I know it's a lot to take in, but please remember that I'm the same person you loved 15 minutes ago. I haven't changed, you just know me better now. A lot of families have been in this situation. It might help for you to talk to some of them. PFLAG is a group for families of GLBTQ people. Here is the contact information for the local chapter. You don't have to call or go to their website right now, but I hope you'll at least take the information and know there are people out there you can talk to who won't judge you or us, or how you're feeling about all of this.”

Been There:

“My older sister was awful when I came out to her. There were a lot of unprovoked screaming matches between the two of us for a couple of months. She eventually calmed down and is now totally accepting.”
—Maria, 19

Family dynamics can change a lot after someone comes out. Coming out can start arguments or, at the very least, spark a lot of questions. Will you want to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend over? Should you be allowed to have sleepovers? Should the rules that applied to friends of the opposite sex now apply to same-sex friends?

Coming out may be the end of your hiding something, but it's the beginning of relearning some of your family dynamics. The keys to dealing with these changes are patience and open communication. The questions don't have to be answered all at once. They can be addressed as you go along. Talk about the issues you're facing and try to come up with solutions together. You might find that coming out ends up bringing your family closer together.

After the coming out conversation, some family members might act like you never told them. They could be hoping it will go away. They might be going through denial. Parents, for example, often struggle with shock, denial, and guilt when a son or daughter first comes out to them. They might hope that you're only going through a phase, or they might feel guilty that there was something they did that somehow caused you to be GLBTQ.

Remember that coming out is a process for all involved. Give your family time, but don't assume no news is good news and everyone is dealing with it. It's good to check in now and then. Mention to family members that you're there and willing to talk to them if they have questions or issues they want to discuss. They might need your help coping with this change. Continue to encourage (not demand) that they get in touch with others who have GLBTQ family members. If they do want to talk with you, try to keep conversations civil and productive. These discussions can get pretty heated, but take a deep breath (or several) and try to relate to what they might be going through.

Like a lot of young people, you might choose to come out to a friend, or many friends, before you tell adults at home. It's not surprising that a lot of teens come out to friends first. After all, they're usually the people you have the most in common with. You might feel you'll get the best reaction from them.

Just like coming out to parents, coming out to friends can lead to a variety of reactions. Some friends might be supportive, some confused, some upset, and some might have a combination of these and other feelings. Some friends might even come out to you!

Been There:

“So far, I have only come out to one friend—my best friend—and that was only after he told me that he was bi. It was funny. We were just sitting there and all of a sudden he says, ‘I like guys. But I like girls, too.' Then I said, ‘Me, too!' It was that simple, and we talk about it all the time now.”
—Alejandro, 19

Coming out to friends first can be great. If they're supportive, they can be there for you if you come out to your family. But just like with adults at home, consider all angles before coming out. If a friend is upset by the news, she might tell other people, which could be bad if you're trying to be selective about who knows.

As with parents and other family adults, it's a good idea to test the waters by gauging your friend's attitudes toward GLBTQ people. Some friends are more mature or may have had more experience dealing with GLBTQ issues. Maybe they have other queer friends or family members.

If you do decide to come out to a friend, follow the same steps you would with family members. In other words: prepare and be patient. It's important to remember that if your friend doesn't react well, it could be because he's heard negative things about GLBTQ people. Talk with him about what he thinks and why. Assure him that you're still the same person you've always been and you're still his friend—being queer doesn't change that.

Coming out can change your friendships. You could become closer than ever. Or your friend could be hurt that you didn't tell him before. He could be concerned that you're attracted to him, or he might even worry that if you're queer, maybe he is, too.

Been There:

“I was lucky enough to have my closest friends be open and accepting. There were those other ‘friends' who rejected me, but the ones I called my best friends kept their arms open to me. I think a lot of people act homophobic because they are scared of what people think. I think that if a friend—a truly great friend—were to find out that you are gay, they will love you for who you are.”
—Lily, 20

“When you come out to friends—even if you're scared and nervous—don't act like it. Tell them you're GLBTQ with confidence. If they see you are confident, they will be confident in you and your friendship.”
—Paulo, 19

Again, give your friend time to adjust. Make it clear that you're ready to talk whenever he is. Some friendships do end because one person comes out, but these are extreme cases. Let your friend know that one of the reasons you told him is that you want to be honest with him about who you are. Tell him, too, that you're going to need his support to deal with people who aren't as accepting. Even if he's upset at first, chances are things will get better. And who knows, he might even surprise you by telling you he'd already figured out on his own that you're queer!

Some teens feel safer or more comfortable coming out to a trusted teacher, school counselor, or administrator. Some come out as a means of reaching out for support or guidance, or to get help dealing with harassment that's taking place at school. This might be true for you as well.

Adults who aren't family members can be good advocates and help you deal with issues you're facing. It's important to remember that teachers and other school officials are people just like everyone else—you can never be absolutely certain how they'll react. But because they aren't family, your coming out is less likely to trigger some of the more extreme emotions people at home might feel.

Some schools' policies make it difficult for supportive teachers to be vocal about their acceptance of GLBTQ people. But it's not uncommon for teachers who are supportive to let students know, in subtle or more obvious ways, their feelings. If your school has a gay-straight alliance, the group probably has a faculty or staff advisor. If that teacher is approachable, she could be a good person for you to talk with when you need the advice and support of an adult. Gradually, more teachers also are starting to come out at school. These GLBTQ teachers can be good sources of support.

Been There:

“In my last year of junior high, I had this amazing Personal Development and Relationships teacher who I think was a lesbian. She taught us about being homosexual and bisexual. I think it was in that class that I actually discovered the term for what I was.”
—Iris, 19

School counselors are trained to talk with teens about challenges, and many of them can be very helpful. Unfortunately, some of them might also be homophobic. School counselors are sometimes, but not always, bound by confidentiality. This means they can't share what you say to them with anyone else—it has to be kept in confidence. In some cases, there is no confidentiality requirement. Some schools even require counselors to report certain things to the administration.

Counselors can be great people to seek advice and support from. If you're worried about talking to a counselor because of confidentiality issues, check your student handbook. The school's policy toward confidentiality should appear there. If you don't have a copy of the handbook, one should be available from the administrative office or at the school's website.

As students and advocacy groups work to make schools safer, more accepting places for GLBTQ teens, teachers and staff are learning what it means to be GLBTQ and are better able to understand and support queer students.

One of the most challenging parts of being a GLBTQ teen can be coping with life at school. You have social hierarchies and cliques, teachers piling on the homework, administrators watching your every move, and teammates who are counting on you. Meanwhile, you're going through the normal stages of adolescence, which may have you feeling anything
but
normal. It's common to have times when you don't feel like you belong in your own skin. And on top of all that, you're coming to terms with possibly being queer.

Surveys have revealed that life at school can range from pretty uncomfortable to downright dangerous for GLBTQ teens. The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network's (GLSEN) “2009 National School Climate Survey”—the most comprehensive report on the experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender students—surveyed 7,261 students between the ages of 13 and 21. Among the findings were the following:

• 85 percent of GLBTQ teens had experienced harassment in the past year
  
• 40 percent reported being physically harassed (such as being physically blocked from walking down the hall) and 19 percent reported being physically assaulted (punched, kicked, etc.) at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation
  
• 89 percent heard the word “gay” used in a negative way frequently or often at school; 72 percent heard derogatory remarks such as “faggot” or “dyke” frequently or often at school
  
• 62 percent of students who were harassed or assaulted in school did not report incidents to school staff because they believed little or no action would be taken and that the situation could become worse if they reported it
  
• 34 percent of students who reported incidents of harassment said that school staff did nothing in response
  
• More than half (53 percent) of students reported being harassed or threatened via electronic media such as text messages, emails, instant messages, or postings on social networking sites (also known as
  cyberbullying
  )
  
• 61 percent of students reported that they felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation, and more than 40 percent felt unsafe because of their gender expression
  
• The reported grade point average of students who were more frequently harassed because of their sexual orientation or gender expression was almost half a grade lower than for students who were harassed less often
  
• Only 18 percent of respondents attended a school that had a comprehensive safe school policy that specifically mentioned sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression
  
• Only 15 states and the District of Columbia have comprehensive anti-bullying/harassment laws that include sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression
  

On a more positive note, GLSEN also found that the number of sources of support for GLBTQ teens is growing, including gay-straight alliances (GSAs). A GSA is a student-led school club that aims to create a safe, welcoming, accepting school environment for all students—regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Been There:

“In ninth grade, on my second day at public school, I was walking down the hall and a young male said the word that wounds every gay teenager—fag. From there on things snowballed. Daily, more and more people would use those hate words: fag, homo, queer, sissy. Eventually, things moved from words to violence and pranks. I even had death threats.”
—Danny, 15

GLSEN's research shows that students in schools with a GSA reported hearing fewer homophobic remarks and experienced less harassment and assault because of their sexual orientation and gender expression (the way a person dresses or acts in relation to her or his gender identity). Students at these schools were also less likely to feel unsafe because of their orientation or gender expression, and they were more likely to tell school staff if they'd been harassed or assaulted. More information on GSAs, including suggestions for starting one in your school, can be found under “
Common Questions and Answers About GSAs
.”

The research also showed that having a safe school policy that includes sexual orientation and/or gender identity and expression makes a difference. Students at these schools heard fewer homophobic remarks and were less frequently victimized because of their sexual orientation. Staff members at these schools were also more likely to intervene when hearing homophobic remarks. Improvements in climate were also seen in schools where staff members are knowledgeable about GLBTQ issues and the curriculum is queer-inclusive.

Feeling invisible is something that most GLBTQ people experience at one time or another, regardless of age. It's difficult to grow up not seeing many positive representations of people like you. You might sometimes feel like you're the only one. Living in a predominantly straight society can be very isolating at times.

As you walk through the cafeteria, the air is buzzing with girls talking about boys and boys talking about girls. And then there's you, who might be interested in boys, or girls, or both, or neither. In situations like this, it's easy to feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Visibility can be a problem not only in the cafeteria, but also in the curriculum. Debates are taking place all across the country about whether GLBTQ topics should be included in what you learn at school. While some schools do allow and encourage teachers to integrate these subjects into the curriculum, many others do not. In some districts, teachers can even be disciplined for mentioning queerness. If your classes don't include any mention of GLBTQ people, it can seem like you just appeared out of nowhere.

It can help to remember a lot of GLBTQ teens are out there. Many of them are going through situations and issues similar to your own. You're not “abnormal,” and you're definitely not alone.

Been There:

“In high school, the fact that I was aware of my differentness made my experience difficult. Coming out created a situation that didn't allow me to shy away from my reality. By the time I graduated, I had a fairly good idea of what to expect from others and myself.”
—Adrian, 20

Here are some positive things you can do to keep from feeling isolated:

1. Research your GLBTQ “roots.”
The next time you're assigned a project for which you can choose your own topic, think about researching some of your queer predecessors. Write about poet Walt Whitman, painter Georgia O'Keefe, composer Peter Tchaikovsky, singer Bessie Smith, or professional tennis player Dr. Renee Richards. Offer a history lesson on the Stonewall uprising and how it shaped the GLBTQ rights movement or a political science presentation on the debate over queer marriage rights. Learn about the people who came before you, their challenges and their triumphs. It can help you appreciate what a long and rich history queer people have.

2. Get in touch with other GLBTQ teens.
You might meet people at local GLBTQ organizations, online, or through others you know. (Chapter 5 has more information about meeting others.) It's important to talk with people who understand what you're going through and who can support you. Plus, it can be satisfying when you can support someone else in return.

3. Get involved in creating change.
You might join or start a GSA at your school. You could also get involved with a local or national GLBTQ group. Being an activist is a great way to meet people with common interests, and it feels good to work for something positive.

4. Give yourself opportunities to shine.
Take part in activities that give you a chance to feel good about yourself—maybe even show off a little. These don't have to be GLBTQ-related. If you're a great singer, try out for that solo in the spring concert. Take an art class and paint your heart out. Enter an amazing project in the science fair. Show off your speed on the track team. Dust off your guitar and start a band. Give yourself opportunities to succeed and enjoy yourself.

Maybe the problem is that you feel
too
visible. If you're subjected to taunts and harassment or bullying much of the day, a little invisibility might seem like a good thing. A lot of GLBTQ teens probably share those feelings. Remember those statistics from the GLSEN survey at the beginning of this chapter? You're not alone.

Even if you decide to come out voluntarily, the amount of attention it brings could be unexpected and overwhelming (although that's not always the case). You can reach out for help and find ways to make that visibility less scary by getting involved in a GSA or working to change your school environment. And you do have friends among your straight peers, whether you're aware of it yet or not. As our society becomes more educated about what it means to be queer, more and more of our straight allies are realizing 1) we're really not so different, and 2) we need their visible support when it comes to standing up for our rights as human beings.

Been There:

“I think the hardest part of being out at school was the social aspect. All of my friends were very supportive. However, seeing the reactions of many of my classmates was extremely disheartening. Seeing that people found it entirely logical to hate me without knowing me not only hurt, but also made me lose a lot of faith in people. I wondered, ‘If these misunderstandings and beliefs are so difficult for people to see through or question, what else could be entirely misunderstood? What may I need to take a closer look at or question?' And that's what sparked me to really search for what I thought, not what I was told to think or what everyone else thought—politically, spiritually, socially, and personally. I have become a much more satisfied, fulfilled, and confident person as a result.”
—Owen, 19

“Being a lesbian, or even being perceived as one, had its constraints in high school. I was always pretty guarded. My life was school and softball and work. Then I started to date someone who went to the same school and the lid blew off, but no one was saying anything. That, I think, was the worst thing for me. I was being closely watched and no one would say why. But since then, it seems that half the student population felt a need to come out. Sometimes I think I had something to do with that.”—Davina, 20

Some schools have policies that protect students from bullying and harassment based on sexual orientation and gender identity. Your school's harassment policy (it may be called a “safe schools policy”) usually can be found in your student handbook. Even if your school doesn't include sexual orientation and gender identity in its policy on bullying and harassment, you still have a right as a human being to be safe at school. Administrators and teachers are legally responsible for protecting all students. And you have options for how to deal with harassment.

Sometimes it's difficult to believe that one person can make a big difference, but you can make a difference. And what's more, you're
not
alone in the fight against discrimination and harassment. Other teens, just like you, are engaged in similar struggles. And many adults and straight peers are willing to help. You
can
make a difference by standing up against prejudice and asking others to do the same.

Take a look at how some of these teens fought harassment in their schools.

Jacob Sullivan.
In 2009, 14-year-old Jacob Sullivan, with the help of the New York Civil Liberties Union, filed suit against the Mohawk Central School District. Jacob alleged that the district failed to protect him against ongoing harassment, physical abuse, and threats made against him due to his sexual orientation and nonconformity to masculine stereotypes. The U.S. Justice Department later joined the suit, which meant that this case could set a precedent for future rulings and involve a broader interpretation of a federal law prohibiting gender discrimination.

The suit was settled March 29, 2010, and, as part of the agreement, Jacob's family received $50,000. But perhaps more important, the district agreed to make its schools safer for students. It enlisted the support of the Anti-Defamation League and began training staff on how to better address issues of harassment. The school district also reviewed its policies on harassment based on sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation in an effort to create a more positive atmosphere for all students.