A Sadness Within (13 page)

“Now, I know you are new to town,” she said.  “Clearly, you haven’t heard what people say about ‘poor Julia.’ They just seem to take pity on me. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that’s why I actually got the job at the school.” Her brow creased in a frown, and my fingers ached to reach out and smooth it out.

“You mean because you’re a great teacher and an incredibly talented musician? That’s why you got the job, right?” Surely people in this town saw her for what she was.

She let a laugh escape and brought a slender hand up to stifle it.

“You must have been talking to Kara, my one and only friend. She is my biggest and only supporter. She knew me before and went through it all with me.”

Her mystery was only beginning to unravel, and I was hungry for more.

“Tell me.” I spoke quietly reaching out and daring to grab her hand only to feel a surge of something run through me. “I want to know what made you think this way.”

She startled, and I knew she felt it too. She looked back at me but didn’t let go and instead laced her fingers through mine.

“I suppose I should start at the beginning. I already mentioned my brother, Aaron. I often go to his grave to visit him. He committed suicide when he was in high school. We were really close. My parents fought a lot after that. Eventually, they split and my father remarried. We never really spoke again. He died in a car accident a few years later. My mom died of breast cancer not long after that. When Aaron died, though, that was the start of everything. Things had been fine up until then. After he died, things just fell apart. My family fell apart and now, here I am, alone. I’m the only one left. I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces. I’m the one who has to move on from some horrid past, and because of that, people feel sorry for me. It’s like no one recognizes me as a whole person anymore. I am nothing more than the tragic girl who lost it all, and everyone else just expects me to freak out or something. I’m the sad girl with the horrible past. ”

Her soft voice became angry as she stood and walked a few feet away from me, as if to emphasis the point. Her eyes seemed to glow, and her tear-stained cheeks reddened again. My hand felt colder without hers in it, and I glanced down at it as if it were a foreign object. I wanted her so much right now. To touch her, to take her pain away. The dull thud in my chest quickened slightly as I stood up and went to her. We were standing inches apart. Her warm breath warmed my skin, yet the cold thud continued. I’ve never noticed it so strong before. My hand raised up and swept a stray hair from her face. And then, I couldn’t help myself; I bent and kissed her lightly on the lips, feeling a hunger awaken in me. She melted to my touch, but then suddenly, she pulled away.

“Will, I… ” She hadn’t moved from my embrace and was grasping handfuls of my shirt while she breathed deeply.

I feared that I had crossed the line. She was staring at my chest as I slid my hand down from her face and rested it on her shoulder. My breath was just as labored, as I struggled to figure out what to say. I didn’t want to scare her off by kissing her again, but I needed her to know I cared.

My eyes searched hers to let her know that I didn’t feel the same as the others. I did not pity her, and I would be here for her for as long as she needed me. She had to know the effect she had on me. I felt anchored when I was near her, but I had to wonder if maybe this was too much, too soon. It was time for me to let her go for the night, before anything else happened. Both thoughts terrified me. I pulled her close to me once more.

“You are not broken,” I whispered softly against her cheek, as I kissed her gently one more time and then took off into the night.

Math. I absolutely hated and
despised math homework. I was sure that no amount of studying throughout my immortality would convince me to like it. No matter how many times I took it, I would never like all the busywork.  I guess you could say that math was the one thing that made me restless and anxious.

It was late on a Friday evening, but I was bored. No one to go out with, nothing to do. I tapped my pencil absentmindedly on the notepad in front of me, when I heard a sound outside. Well, not a sound, but a series of crashing followed by some choice words. It was coming from the garden below.  The noise escalated with the sound of glass breaking. I looked out the window and saw Will, standing in the middle of the garden path, a broken pot at his feet and plants strewn across the walkway.

I rushed down the stairs and out into the night, nearly running into my brother.

“What the hell are you doing? Father is going to kill you! Well if he could kill you, he would,” I screamed, pointing to the carnage behind him. “He has been working on those roses for weeks!”

“Oh God, I really messed up today, Cee. I can’t believe it. I was so stupid. Reckless!” Will turned around and walked back toward the garden, a wild look in his eyes, hands shoved in his pockets. I’m not sure which looked worse, the mess or Will.

I followed behind him, then sat on a bench when he began to nervously pace back and forth in front of me, the sound of gravel crunching under his feet. I waited for him to say something, but he kept on stomping past.

“What happened, Will?” I finally asked, not willing to wait for him to talk. 

“I kissed her, Celia! I couldn’t help myself. She was just so… I mean, she told me things. She made me feel, and I kissed her and it was everything, but then she pulled away like it was wrong and… I just… ” his words faded, leaving me with more questions than answers. The anguish in his voice was incredible, and I reached out my hand to grab his.

“Will. Stop.” He turned to face me, and he was trembling.  “Why do you think this is so bad? I mean, I think it’s great! So, you kissed her. You didn’t hurt her. And you
felt
something.” I didn’t understand why Will was so upset. I thought this was what he wanted. He sat next to me on the cold, stone bench, anxiously running his hands through his hair and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.

“It’s no good. I still… I just don’t think it was a good idea. What if it was too much, too soon? She pulled away, what if she didn’t want to? What if she doesn’t think of me like that?” He was still stumbling in his frustrated state. His eyes were blazing when he gazed up at me, but what I saw underneath wasn’t anger, it was fear. He was as afraid as I had never seen him before.

“You’re afraid, Will. Why are you afraid?” I squeezed his hand in mine. “Look at me, Will. This is a good thing.”

“I’m not afraid.” He yanked his hand from mine and went to the gazebo’s edge, looking off at the lake in the distance. The silhouette of the pier and the lighthouse reached out from the beach like a slender finger.  The rhythmic light blinked on and off, letting the ships know where the channel began.  The evening was calm, and I could barely hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Clouds blanketed the sky, leaving only a few stars to shine through. I joined him and looked up at the sky. He sighed loudly, and I couldn’t help but think about him as a lost little boy.

“Will, you are good and you deserve this, whether or not you believe it. I’ve always thought that you deserved it. Why do you think I have had faith in you all these years? I mean, I know I’ve had my moments of doubt, but I really do believe in you.” I bumped him with my arm, teasing him in a sisterly sort of way. “Come on. It’s nice out, let’s walk. It will relax you.”

I grabbed his arm and dragged him out into the night and we began to meander through the maze of the garden, working our way down to the beach. The hoot of an owl broke the silence and it startled me a bit. Will was silent, so I left him to his thoughts, knowing that when he wanted to talk more, he would. Eventually, I could sense the tension begin to leave him, and finally, he spoke.

“You’re right. I am afraid. I’m afraid that I assumed too much. That I pushed myself on her in that way. I’m afraid that I might have driven her off.” He stopped and turned to look at me. “She told me about her family. Her brother’s suicide, her parent’s deaths. She thinks this makes her broken. She said that everyone in this damn town treats her with pity. They don’t see
her
; they just see someone who has issues. I wanted so bad to fix her, just like she is fixing me, so I did the only thing I thought I could do. I kissed her. I wanted her to know that someone in this place cares about her more than anything.”

“What makes you think that you scared her off? Did she push you away? She didn’t run, did she? ”

“I didn’t give her a chance. I left before she could. In fact, I left before she could even say anything.”

“Will, you did not scare her off, I’m sure of it. I’ve seen the two of you together. I’ve seen how she looks at you when you don’t realize it. She definitely feels something for you, too.” I smiled at him.

“Celia,” his voice scolding, “have you been spying on me?”

I giggled cryptically.

“Not exactly spying. I just wanted to make sure that things were going okay. I care about you, and I want you to be happy. It isn’t hard to hang around school during practice sometimes. You two are so preoccupied with each other that you don’t even know that I’m there. But don’t worry; I’ll stop, if you want me to.” I honestly didn’t need to see to believe anymore. My brother had changed. He was feeling. There was no denying that now.

“So what do I do, Cee?”  He stopped to face me, no sign of humor on his face.

My eyes were drawn to the lights of a solitary barge on the horizon, and I sighed loudly.

“I think you did what you were supposed to do, and you need to see her again. And you shouldn’t wait until Monday. You don’t want to seem like you’re ignoring her after something like that happens. Talk to her about it if you’re so worried. Personally, I think your concern is all in your head. You love her and she loves you. I know it,” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder.  “Just go to her. Tell her how you really feel. Have your happy ending, Will. You deserve it.” I was happy for him, but I was also thankful for the darkness that hid my face.  As happy as I was, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult to watch him find true happiness with someone after all this time. Living with what I had was okay, but finding someone to spend my life with would be even better. In truth, I was a little jealous that after all these years of screwing around like he had, he seemed able to find it so easily.

“Thanks, Cee,” he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You’re right, there isn’t a need to panic yet. I guess I’ll just go back in and try to get some rest. Maybe I can go see her in the morning. Thanks for helping me keep it in perspective”

He gave me a quick squeeze and then walked back toward the house. There was a lightness in his step as he turned, and I watched him disappear in the dark. I stayed where I was, letting the cool breeze off the lake envelope me, refusing to let my own sadness take over. I thought back on my life and on my father, which is what I always did to feel better. It was the only way to keep my own humanity strong. My life could be worse. I would never give in to the dark urges. I did know how to control that. Even if I ended up alone, I would never let myself feel so low that I became like the others in Chicago.

The barge that had been in the distance was now close to the pier. I watched it move quietly up the channel until it was obscured by the dune, and I could no longer see the lights. My eyes pinched closed, and I shook my head, erasing any dark thoughts. I went back toward the house, stopping to smell the late blooming roses on the way.

S
tunned, I watched Will shove
his hands into his pockets and hunch his shoulders in the chill, until the darkness swallowed him and he was gone. My hand involuntarily moved to my lips, which still tingled from his lingering kiss. A kiss that was ice cold, yet left my body on fire. It had scared me so much, I turned away. I tried to talk, tried to call out after him, but no sound came out, and I was left standing there in silence.

There were so many questions about tonight and his kiss only confused me more. I still didn’t know how he had known where I was. Driving around the cemetery just didn’t seem like a logical answer. I didn’t think he had followed me, although one minute I was alone and the next, he was there. I think I would have been able to feel his presence if he had followed me. And sitting here, he was just so easy to talk to. I never talk about my family. This town knew enough of my secrets, yet I had just confessed more to him than I ever had to any stranger before. And then, when I thought I had surely driven him away after finally showing him how messed up I was, he kissed me. I couldn’t figure him out. I didn’t want to figure him out. No, I wanted to know everything. The thump in my chest told me one thing, though; I was falling for Will Bradley. There wasn’t much about my past that hadn’t been revealed. He now knew how people in this town treated me because of how much I had lost, and he didn’t run. I mean not really. He listened. Then he kissed me and told me I wasn’t broken.

My legs were shaky as I walked back inside and caught a view of the piano out of the corner of my eye. I sat down to play, just to try to calm myself down, the nerve endings on overdrive all the way down to the tips of my fingers.  I found a quick melody, but my mind wasn’t there and I kept messing it up, my hands fumbling around on the keys. I shook them out a little and began again, but my head was still swimming. It’s not like I had been in real trouble when I was at the cemetery. Yet somehow, he had known I was there and he seemed to know that I was hurting. Maybe I had been lost. It was becoming clear that I had been wandering around, lost in my own mind until I met him. I mean, going to the cemetery to talk to my dead brother for an unknown amount of time was not necessarily unusual for someone who has suffered a loss, yet it definitely wasn’t the behavior of a rational person. Who knows how long I would have stayed tonight if he hadn’t come. I was thankful that he had been there. It seemed that he had been there for me a lot lately. And I felt so much better when he was around, that I looked forward to the time I would spend with him. My dark cloud was definitely lifting, and I felt more centered. There was something about him that made me start to
feel
again. His presence energized me and his touch made my body want to explode.

My fingers continued to fumble over the keys, creating a melody that resembled my shattered state of mind. It was no use. Even the piano wouldn’t soothe me tonight. Eventually, I gave up and stopped, frustrated with myself for not being able to keep it together. The clock told me it was after midnight, and the sheer magnitude of my day suddenly made it impossible to keep my eyes open.  The bed called to me, and I crawled in, still wearing my clothes as I pulled the comforter over my body. It didn’t take long to fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

Saturday morning was a blessing
. I didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything. I felt better after getting a great night’s sleep. I rolled over and stretched and saw how late I had slept in. Suddenly, I remembered the events of last night, and my hand involuntarily moved to my lips again. Will had kissed me. He had held me and made me feel so much. I felt a longing inside of me that I had never felt and found myself wanting to see him today. Would it be weird if I just stopped over? What would Celia think? Maybe I could come up with some excuse to work together today. I’m sure there was something related to the play that we could deal with. What if his father was there? I laughed out loud at myself. There was no way I could go over there without looking like some crazy stalker. Besides, how would I handle that kiss? It didn’t seem like I could just ignore it. Instead, it seemed as if we had crossed some important threshold, and there would be no turning back. Maybe he would bring it up first. Regardless, I couldn’t deal with it today.
Calm yourself down
, I coaxed internally. I didn’t want to sound desperate, did I? My crazy adolescent girl crush would just have to wait until Monday to see him. I would have to find other ways to occupy my time.

Book in hand, I went down to the kitchen to scrounge around for some breakfast and tea. I would simply spend the day lost in a good book. I added some water to the teapot and turned on the stove, only to be interrupted by a soft knock on the door. The perfect silhouette of Will Bradley was standing in my doorway. My heart paused briefly, and I waited for it to jumpstart before I answered the door.

“What are you doing here?” I hadn’t intended it to come out so harsh. I was just surprised to see him so early. It had been late when he left my house. “I mean, hi,” I recovered. 

“Hi, uh… I need to talk to you. Do you have time? Are you busy right now?” He seemed a little on edge. Nervous. His hair had flopped onto his forehead, and I wanted to reach out and put it back in its place.

“Do you want to come in?” I offered, but becoming embarrassingly aware of my pajamas, I wrapped my robe tighter around my body and slid further behind the door leaving only my head looking out. I must look like a mess! I hadn’t even showered yet!

He looked up at me nervously.

“Actually, maybe we could just talk out here.”

“Um, sure. Can you give me just a minute?”

I shut the door before he could answer and turned to run down the hall to grab a coat or something that I could cover up a little more. My cami and shorts set was a bit too revealing. I walked calmly back to the door, avoiding the mirror. I didn’t need the mirror to remind me of how disheveled I probably looked this morning. It was possible my hair was sticking up in crazy angles, considering the nature in which I went to sleep.

The door clicked behind me as I walked over to the swing and took a seat. Will was standing with his back to me, hands on the railing. I could see his muscles straining through his jacket.

“Okay, shoot.” Nonchalant, that’s how I would play it.

“About last night. Um, I was thinking,” he started, pacing across the floor. “It’s just that…” He broke off and dragged his fingers through his hair. Whatever he wanted to say to me, he was having a hard time saying it. I waited patiently.

“We’ve been spending a lot of time together and then there was last night.” I looked down at my hands and blushed at the thought of the kiss. Suddenly he was in front of me, grabbing my hands. “I know that we just met, and this is so soon, but I think I have feelings for you, Julia.”

My breath caught in my throat at his words. I tried to hide the redness of my cheeks and the accelerated beating of my heart. Could this really be happening?

“What do you mean feelings?”

He smiled at me, his silver grey eyes boring into my soul. If he hadn’t been smiling, I would have been scared at his intensity. It captured me and as usual, I couldn’t look away.

“I… I don’t know. I’m sorry.” He dropped my hands and stood up. “I guess this… I can just talk to you Monday.” He started to leave, but I didn’t want him to because, to be honest, I had feelings for him, too. I needed to say something this time. I needed to tell him how I felt, too.

“Wait,” I called out standing up. “It’s okay, you don’t have to go.” He turned back to me, his eyes still intense. I looked down blushing again. “Please stay.” I looked up at him again and spoke with more confidence. “I don’t want you to go.”

Will walked back onto the porch and stood in front of me, leaving only a small space between us, waiting for me to speak again. The air was so electric, it made me stumble back a step. I reached for his hand to steady myself, and the current ran up my arm, making it even harder to concentrate. My other hand found his solid chest and he wrapped his hand around it. I looked at his lips, wanting him to kiss me again. My eyes wandered up his face until I was looking into his eyes again. He was waiting. Waiting for me to give him permission, not wanting to overstep some invisible boundary. Suddenly, I remembered my appearance and felt the urge to go clean myself up a bit. I stepped away for a minute and walked toward the door to collect my thoughts. 

“I want you here. And we do need to talk, but can you give me a few minutes to get myself together and then maybe we could go somewhere?” I was still caught in his eyes.

“Sure, I would like that.” There was that grin again, and he began to relax. The tea kettle began to whistle inside, pulling me out of my stupor. “I’ll be right back. Just give me ten minutes. Don’t leave,” I warned as I scampered inside.

I ran inside, turned off the stove and quickly tried to put myself together.  I didn’t know where we should go, so I threw on jeans, a t-shirt, and a light jacket. My hopeless reflection stared back at me from the bathroom mirror. If only I had time for a shower, or at least a chance to put some make-up on. Throwing my hair in a quick ponytail, I ran back downstairs expecting to see Will still waiting for me on the porch, only to find it was empty. I caught a movement on the driveway out of the corner of my eye. Will was sitting on a sleek motorcycle. He patted the seat lightly behind him.

“Wanna ride?” His smile was dangerous
and
seductive.

“Isn’t this a little dangerous?” I asked.

“You’ve never lived life a little dangerously? I thought I would show you how I normally travel.”

“Well, I guess I could use a little danger in my life.” I laughed nervously. This was very risky behavior for me.  I was normally so practical and cautious, but the magnetic pull guiding me toward Will and his machine was too strong to resist.

I sidled up next to him near the bike.

“So where do you want to go?” He still hadn’t kissed me yet, and it was all I could think about.

His eyes held a mischievous look, as he grinned from ear to ear.

“Let’s just get out of here. It’s a nice day.” He could sense my hesitation. “It’s okay. I have a good driving record.” He flashed the boyish grin I was growing to love and helped me climb on behind him. He grabbed my arms and pulled them around his waist. I didn’t fight, liking the feel of holding him.

“Hold on. I won’t let anything happen to you.” I gripped my arms tighter around his waist and hugged my body to his. He was cold but his body was rock solid and any fear I had melted away.

We raced down the street in a rush. I leaned into him, gripping tightly and breathing in his scent deeply. He gave no indication of where we were going and at this moment, I didn’t care.  Right now, I just wanted to be with him, loving the feel of my arms around his body.

The wind tore through my hair, and I clasped my hands tighter in front of him, as he sped his way down the winding road. He turned down Lakeshore Drive, and I instantly recognized that we were heading toward the lake.  Our pace slowed as the road twisted through the sand dunes. It had not taken us long, and I was a little saddened to see that the ride was over as we pulled into a small parking lot. Will reached around, lifting me off of the bike and steadied me on my feet. My knees felt like gelatin from the ride. Or maybe it was from being with him.

“I hope this is okay. I thought it might be nice out here. We could just sit or we could walk.” He smiled and I became dizzy until he looked away.

The beach was deserted. A light breeze was blowing, and I listened to the waves crashing on the shore as we walked toward the lake. The steady rumble of the waves had mesmerized me since childhood. The rhythm of the water was its own sort of music that I found comforting. This place had become a refuge for me after Aaron died. It was almost as if Will knew I loved coming here.

“It’s perfect. I love t
his place.” Will reached for my hand, and we began to walk in the sand, his thumb caressing small circles on the back of my hand. Dark, thick clouds warned of a building storm.

Over the last week, Will and I had been alone many times, but never like this. There was always something there to occupy us, like the students at rehearsal or the console of the car between us. This felt awkward. We were completely alone. There were no interruptions, no distractions. And there was more electricity in the air. I wasn’t sure if it was from being with him or because of the imminent storm.