A Sadness Within (8 page)

“Yeah. Why?” Kara furrowed her brow trying to figure out where all this was going.

“Well, her older brother just moved back to town and is working at the school in the evenings doing odds and ends. I ran into him Friday night.” I rolled my eyes and tried to act like it was no big deal, as if I talked about boys like this with her all the time.

“Oh, I just knew that it was boy problems!” She squealed in delight, and I began to see the inner working of Kara’s mind as her overactive imagination began to construct the entire scenario. I could see where this would lead. If I didn’t explain fast, she would be naming our unborn children and planning house colors in minutes.

“Just wait, it’s not like that!” I stood up and held my hand up in front of her, trying to bring her attention back to me.  “It was late after school, and I was in the auditorium. It had been raining, and I was just passing some time until it let up, you know. I felt like playing the piano, so I sat down and just started to play. All of the sudden, I wasn’t alone; he was there, listening. It was dark, and I could barely see or hear him come up to me. Then, he was in front of me. It felt strange to have him there listening while I played, but I didn’t stop.” I hesitated, unsure how to continue. “He started talking to me and asking me questions, and I freaked out and left. Now I feel so dumb.” I sighed loudly and threw my head into my hands.

“Is he hot?” A snort escaped, and I laughed loudly. Leave it to Kara to miss the important things and focus on his looks.

“He’s really good looking, but that’s beside the point!” I dismissed her question and tried to bring her back to the problem. “I am so embarrassed by how I acted, and I’m sure that I’ll see him again. He probably thinks I’m a total idiot.” I swirled the last of my egg roll absentmindedly in the sauce.

“What did he ask you?”

“Well, he complimented my playing and then pointed out that I play with a lot of emotion. He wondered where it came from.” I sat back down and buried my head in my hands.

“Oh.”

“It hit too close to home. I’m not ready to tell a stranger all about my troubled past. But I know he had no idea what he was asking. I think he was just being polite. Besides, I thought everyone knew all about my problems. I mean come on; everyone thinks I’m a ticking time bomb!” I paced around the kitchen nervously.

“You know that isn’t true. So maybe you should apologize next time you see him. I’m sure he wasn’t offended. And not everyone knows the story of your life.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

Kara dug in for another bite of fried rice and shrugged it off. I pushed my own dinner around my plate and finally shoved it away.

“That’s not everything, Kara.  There’s just something about him. I’m usually so cautious with others, but I felt so comfortable with him, despite the fact that I ran off.” My thoughts took me back to Friday night. There was something unusual about him.  I could have sworn that his steel grey eyes could see through to my soul. I got up and walked to the piano bench. Kara followed me into the living room.

“What do you mean you felt comfortable?” she asked.

“Well you know how I am. I’m not exactly the world’s most social person. I don’t walk around screaming for attention.” I cautiously lowered my eyes. I was glad that I didn’t have to speak about some things with Kara. She knew how difficult it had been for me after Aaron’s death and then my parents. I felt like a fish in a bowl in this town. Everyone always looked at me with pity. Everyone except Will. Of course, I feared that it was only a matter of time before he found out and started treated me like something fragile and ready to break.

“When he looked at me,” I continued, “I felt a sense of calm come over me. I can’t explain it.”

I looked over at her, only to see her staring at me. The incredulous look on her face was discouraging.

“You know what, never mind. Just forget I said anything.” I waved her off and turned toward the piano, my fingers absentmindedly toying with tapping out random cords.

“What do you mean, forget about it? Jules, this is big… no this is more than big! You have to talk to him again! If there is something about him, you have to find out what it is. You haven’t had a date in like, forever, and if you feel something for this guy, you should go for it!”

I shrugged and continued to play some random melody, trying to give her the hint that I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. After a few minutes, she looked at the clock and stood to leave.

“I should probably go. We can talk more tomorrow if you want.”

My fingers stopped for a moment.

“Thanks. I mean it Kara. I guess I just have some things to sort out.”

“I know. And all I’m saying is that maybe you should give this hottie a chance,” she smiled supportively. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The door shut quietly behind her, and I watched her pull out of the driveway from my perch on the piano bench. The day was almost over, and I had survived it yet again. All in all, it wasn’t that bad of a day. At least it ended well. Sometimes, I could almost feel myself getting stronger, getting ready to rejoin the real world and do more than just work, run, and play music. 

My head was still filled with everything I had going on. I decided to go to my bedroom and read to give my brain something else to think about. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it for a moment before grabbing my book and sitting in the chair. I was still bothered by the images that were going through my head when I played Aaron’s song earlier, and I could still see a pair of grey eyes gazing at me when I closed my own. The words on the pages were beginning to blur. Clearly, reading wasn’t working. I found that I kept reading the same sentence over and over again.  It didn’t take me long to give up and put the book down. I got up and paced around my room, humming. 

“You really need to pull yourself together, Jules. Today was just a day and Will is just a guy. Nothing special. Great,” I sighed, “now you’re talking to yourself. If that doesn’t prove that you’re a head case, I don’t know what does.”

It was obvious that I couldn’t concentrate. I needed to get my mind on something else. I went into the living room again and sat back at the piano. Lightly, I ran my hands over the keys until they found their way into a song. The notes seemed to find me and I played, letting the music flow through my entire being. It was only then that my head began to clear. Ah, this is what I needed; this is when I felt like myself. I played late into the night, until my tired brain told me to stop. Reluctantly, I did stop and forced myself to stumble up the stairs and into bed, where I fell into another night of fitful sleep.

M
y phone ringing in the
middle of the night woke me. I reached onto my nightstand and grasped for it blindly. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to turn it off. Was I ever going to get to sleep in this damn town?

“Yeah?” I didn’t even try to hide my annoyance.

“Hey, Will, where the hell are you? It’s been a few days. I thought you would be back in the action.” It was Chris again. I shouldn’t be surprised he would keep on me, after our last conversation. He was my closest friend, in theory, as I didn’t really consider myself to have friends, and self-appointed leader of the group in Chicago. He was out at some bar. I could hear the noise in the background.

“I’m still ho… in Michigan.” Home, I had thought to myself, which was strange because I hadn’t considered this small town home in many decades.

“What are you doing there? I thought you were going out with us tonight.”

“No, I told you I would be gone for a few more days, and that I would call you when I was heading back.  Don’t you remember our conversation? I uh… need to stay here for a while... take care of some things.” I rolled over to look at the time. One A.M. I assume he was just getting started for the evening.

“And I thought I told you that I needed you back here,” he said impatiently. “Besides, since when have you cared about your family? It’s not like you have ever given a shit about them, besides maybe that little tart of a sister you have. You’ve already spent a lifetime with them so why don’t you tell them to fuck off and get back here. There are lots of willing victims in this city, and no one will miss them. And I know your daddy doesn’t attend to your needs like we do here. ”

“You’re a little vulgar, you know that?” I don’t know if it was because it was the middle of the night, or if I was just realizing this about him, but he was grating on my nerves. Normally, I wouldn’t hold anything back about the “boring” time I was having here, but now his questions just seemed intrusive. I knew he would never understand why I would stay here. My time was up. His incessant calling was making that very clear.

“Never bothered you before. Maybe you should watch the news to see exactly what you’ve been missing. Last night was a big night.” I had been watching the news, as had my family. I knew what was happening in Chicago, but I didn’t know how I felt about that anymore. Chris would never understand that was part of the reason I needed to stay away. I needed time to clear my head and make a decision.

“Yeah, well. I’m still going to be here for a few more days.” This conversation was clearly going nowhere and was not helping me at all. “Don’t worry; I’ll let you know when I come back.” I clicked the phone shut before he could answer.

I sat up in bed and put my head in my hands, confusion surrounding me. Why did he have to call and bring this argument up again? It was making me doubt again. Maybe Chris was right. What was I doing here? A few days ago, all I wanted to do was go back to Chicago; go back to the life that I thought I wanted. But now, things felt different. I wasn’t totally sure what that was anymore. I could now see how my father and sister had found peace in this small town. When I was around Julia, things were very clear, but there were times like this when I felt the lure of my former life and I wanted to be back in Chicago. The only thing I did know was that my two worlds could not coincide. Eventually I would have to choose.

I rolled over and hid under my pillow, content to try to avoid figuring things out right now and instead, hoping for sleep. It felt like only a few minutes before my phone rang again, but I could see the dawn pushing through the windows and a glance at my clock told me that several hours had passed. Chris just wouldn’t quit!

“What?” I answered, trying to hide my frustration but failing miserably. I could barely contain the venom in my voice.

“Is this Will Bradley?” the voice answered. It wasn’t Chris again as I had suspected.

“Oh, hello. Yes, this is Will.” I sat up, interested in who was calling me.

“This is Mr. Mason. From the school.” Oh shit. My new boss. Had I done something wrong? Was I getting fired? My father would never let me live it down if I was.

“I have a favor to ask you,” he continued.  “Have you met Miss Cavallo, the director of the school play?” Julia. If he only knew. I sat up straighter now, no longer half asleep at the mere mention of her name.

“Yes actually, I met her on Friday.” I couldn’t contain the smile that crept across my face.

“Well apparently, she’s in need of an assistant director for the school play. None of the other teachers want to do it, and I don’t like the idea of her being at school alone every night. It’s her first year. Do you know anything about theater or Shakespeare?”

“Well, I’ve never done any theater, but I did study Shakespeare.” Shakespeare had been one of my obsessions many, many years ago. You wouldn’t guess it just by looking at me, but I had read and studied every play and sonnet that he ever wrote.  When you have lifetimes to look forward to, you look for different things to occupy your time.

“Great. Do you think you would be able to help her out? I know that I just hired you for odds and ends, but it would be great if you would do this instead. Rehearsal will go for 3 months. If you are still around after that, we can talk about other kinds of work.”

“No problem, I would be happy to help.” Working with Julia on a daily basis was more than I could hope for. I had answered without thinking.

“Excellent. Auditions start tomorrow night. I’ll let Julia know that you will help her out.” I heard the phone click and could barely contain myself. I would be able to spend so much more time with her.  Then it hit me. I would be alone with her. Would my father approve? Did I really believe I had things under control? I would have to. If I couldn’t, it would give everything away, and I just couldn’t do that to my family… or to her. I could feel the strange heaviness in my chest again. I needed nourishment, but I knew that it was a feeling I would have to overcome if I wanted to be around Julia. Drinking donated blood would have to be the only answer.  I didn’t want her to think . . . I didn’t know what I wanted her to think, but I knew I wasn’t ready to tell her the truth about who I really was.

I lay back down and threw my arms over my face, letting out a deep breath of air. No matter how much I tried now, I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. Eventually, I was forced to roll out of bed when the morning sun warmed my bare skin too much. I needed to find Celia and tell her my news. Maybe she would help me figure out what my next step should be.

The house was quiet when I made my way downstairs, but I knew Celia was up because her door was open and her room was empty. She was probably outside or out for a walk. A quick walk through the house confirmed my suspicions that she wasn’t here. Maybe I should just sit and wait for her to come back.

Our bookshelves had always been well stocked, as we had always been a family of readers. I could see a few new titles had been added as I ran my fingers along their spines. Finally, I just grabbed one — some new crime novel that I hadn’t read yet, and sat in the comfy chair my father often sat in to read. Within the first few pages, it was clear that I wouldn’t be able to focus. The words before me blurred on the page and I found myself having to reread every other paragraph. With a frustrated sigh, I shut the book and tossed it on the table next to me. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t sit still right now. My body felt electric, and I knew that I would be better off just trying to find Celia myself. In less than a minute, I was out the door.

I briefly glanced down the street in the direction of Julia’s house. The neighborhood was quiet, other than a dog barking a few houses away. I started down the garden path figuring I would try around the house first. It was a warm autumn morning so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see her sitting under the gazebo reading.

“Hey,” I tried to sound casual. “I wondered where you went off to. The house was quiet this morning.”

“What’s up?” she said, closing her book and placing it next to her.  “You look like you have something on your mind.” I leaned up against the railing and looked at her.

“Well, Principal Mason called to talk to me a few minutes ago,” I started.

“Um, you didn’t do anything wrong, did you?” A look of horror crossed her face for a second before she composed herself again. It always bothered me that my father was constantly jumping to the wrong conclusion, but I didn’t expect Celia to question me. She had always reassured me that she believed in me. Maybe they were both waiting for me to screw up, despite what they said, and I couldn’t say anything to dissuade them. I probably deserved it, considering my behavior over the last few decades.

“No, it was nothing like that. Actually, he called to offer me a different job.” I waited for her response, but continued talking when she didn’t answer. “He wants me to be the assistant director of the play.” Again a pause. “With Miss Cavallo.” I smiled lightly, trying not to show how happy I was.

I could see her turning over the phrases in her mind, trying to find the significance, until it finally dawned on her what it meant.

“Really? Oh Will, that is great! I am so happy for you! I mean, this is wonderful for you. This is just what you need! ” She jumped up and grabbed a hold of me so forcefully that I nearly fell.

“Yeah, I think so too. I know now that there is something about her. Something that draws me in. I just can’t explain it, but I feel that I’ll be able to find out if I work with her every day.” She released her hold, and I stepped away, sitting on the bench across from her. “I mean, I’ll be able to see her, get to know her, unravel the mystery.

The happiness on my sister’s face began to fade. Without a doubt, I knew she was thinking of my own worst fear.

“Will, will you be able to handle it?” she asked quietly. “I mean, do you think that you are strong enough for this much contact? You’ve barely been here a week, and our world is so different from the world that you live in.  This is just so soon! I know that you want this. Hell, I want this for you, and I see that you have already started to change. I’m sorry that I even have to ask, but… will you be… okay?”

I rested my hands on my knees and looked up at her. Her concern was genuine. Not just for Julia’s safety but for my well-being. It was a question I had been asking myself over and over. I couldn’t be angry with that.

“Thank you for your concern, Cee. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried myself, but I really believe that I’ll be okay.” I stood back up and walked toward her, my arms hanging limply at my sides. Suddenly, the conversations with Chris came back to me, and what I wanted was crystal-clear. “I have been thinking a lot, and I really want this. I want to change who I am, and for the first time in my existence, I feel like I have a chance to get away from the monster I’ve become.”

“Oh Will, that’s what I have always hoped for. I just want my brother back.” She hesitated for a moment and then scrunched up her brow. “I think we should keep this from father, just in case. For a little while, at least. Prove to him that you have changed before asking him to accept it. We wouldn’t want to give him unnecessary concern.”

I had thought that we should tell him right away, but Celia’s logic prevailed, and I decided she was right. The fewer people that knew about this, the better. Maybe after a week or so, I could tell him. He wanted this life for me so much; it would be so great to show him my choice, once I was really strong.

“Alright, thanks for the talk, Cee.  I guess that I had better go study up,” I said as I turned to walk back inside.

“Study for what?” she called after me.

“Shakespeare, the play is by Shakespeare.” I could hear her laughter echo after me.

The next night, I arrived
at school early. I walked instead of taking my motorcycle, needing to get rid of some excess nervous energy before I would be around her. Besides, school was close enough. Julia was on the stage at the piano, exactly where I hoped she would be. Cautiously, I walked down the aisle, slowly stopping when I was about halfway. I did not want to scare her away this time. We needed to work together, after all.

The music came to her easily tonight. It was as if she were a conduit for a higher power. When she finished, she sat there gently resting her hands on the keys and sighed. I clapped lightly to make my presence known.