A Sadness Within (9 page)

“Jesus, you scared the crap out of me.” She jumped up, the piano bench scraping loudly against the floor. She nervously tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. As usual, I was struck by her beauty; her cheeks were flushed and her eyes, a storm of emotion.

“I didn’t mean to startle you again, but I was afraid if I spoke sooner, I would disturb you.” I didn’t know how to proceed as she was eying me suspiciously from behind the wall the piano created. Hesitantly, I began to walk toward the stage, my hands up as in mock surrender. 

“No… it’s okay. I just didn’t think anyone was… I thought I was still alone.” She stumbled over her words and looked down at her hands.

“I’m assuming that Principal Mason spoke with you about why I’m here tonight.” I continued walking down the aisle to the first row and then sat directly across from her. “He thought you needed the help. I don’t have theater experience, but I do know Shakespeare. Don’t worry, though, I won’t get in your way.” I smiled warmly.  

“Thanks. That would actually be nice. I could use an extra person here. Everyone I thought would help has pretty much backed out.” She paused, as if she was struggling to form her next sentence and then tensed up. “Listen, I wanted to apologize for my rudeness the other day. I didn’t mean to up and leave. Sometimes I’m not very good with people. Your questions just surprised me, that’s all.”

“No it’s my fault for being intrusive,” I apologized. “I’ve been told that I can be a little forward. I am sorry.” Her green eyes carried the hint of the sadness that still eluded me. She situated herself back on the bench and turned to play.

“So, you are Celia’s brother? She said you were home from grad school or something.” Small talk. Her hands were busy on the piano keys, but I could still see them shaking slightly. Was it from being startled or did it scare her to be alone with me? I really hoped it was the first. I never wanted to frighten her.

“Something like that. I’ve been gone for a while. I don’t get much time to come home.” I tried to sound casual but didn’t want to go into my life too much. She didn’t need to know the real reason that I was here. She would run screaming in the other direction. Then again, that would be the smarter thing for her to do, even thought I was convinced that I would bring her no harm.

We sat without talking for a moment, the music floating in the air between us as her full attention turned back to her song. I leaned back and closed my eyes deep in thought, letting the music run through me. The ever present ache subsided when she played. That much I knew. It was like I could breathe again, relieved of the pain. Whatever it was about her, her music soothed a part deep within me. When she finished playing, I sat there taking a few moments before I reopened my eyes.

“You really do play well, you know.” My voice was barely above a whisper. She was slumped tiredly over the keys when she turned to look at me; any barrier I had imagined existing between us was gone. I looked at her, trying to read the sadness within her eyes, all the while being drawn to it. Our eyes locked for a moment and I felt a deep stab in my gut. Finally, she turned away.

“Thank you.” She folded and unfolded her hands in her lap. “I guess that we had better get things together. The students will be here any minute.”

She stood up, straightened her shoulders and began to walk across the stage, our moment over. I watched her surreptitiously as she gathered her things. We moved chairs and set up the stage in silence, ever aware of each other’s movements. Within minutes, the auditorium was buzzing with excited students ready to go. A few quick introductions and instructions about the process and we were ready. I sat down, leaving a seat between us, giving her some space and trying not to seem too eager. She glanced over at me smiling as the first student took the stage and I could no longer pretend that she wasn’t all I needed.

“Okay great, Andrea. Call backs
will be posted tomorrow afternoon outside my room. Good luck.” The gangly girl walked off stage, a nervous smile on her face. She was the last audition of the night. I had tried to forget about the person sitting next to me all evening, but I was ever aware of him. I stole a glance sideways and caught a glimpse of him biting a pencil in concentration. I just couldn’t figure him out. Where did he come from? Why was he here? One thing was for sure. He seemed to know a thing or two about theater… or at least Shakespeare. I turned toward him, deciding to be the one to break the silence. He was still taking notes about our last audition and I could see the muscle in his jaw flex in concentration. 

“So, what did you think?” I tried to sound casual.  “Do you think we have a chance at a good show? I mean do you think we have some talent?”

“Well, this is no Globe Theater, but I did see some promising actors.” He flashed a grin at me and swallowed me whole with his steel grey eyes. I had to turn away to compose myself and hide the embarrassing blush.

“I suppose we should talk about who we would like cast.”
Try to stay on task
I kept telling myself. I could not let his looks distract me.

We sat and talked about who we wanted to see come back. After a few minutes, it was clear that he was not only familiar with Shakespeare, but was an expert with the Bard. This, of course, just heightened the puzzle that surrounded him. He knew the characters almost too well, and knew exactly who would be best for each role. We agreed with each other on who to call back for tomorrow. On the surface, our conversation was about Shakespeare but really, it seemed to be about so much more.

“Well thanks a lot for the last minute help. This is my first show, so I really appreciate it,” I said, as I gathered my things. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

I started to walk down the aisle when his voice stopped me.

“Julia, wait. Let me walk you out to your car.” Within two strides, he was at my side.

“You don’t have to. I’m sure you need to get home, and I need to turn out the lights.”

“It’s not trouble, I can wait.” He flashed that charming grin again and my breath caught. “Besides, what kind of gentleman would I be if I left you here alone?”

I laughed in response and began walking back to the stage to shut the lights off.

“Alright, well I guess I can’t argue when a knight wants to save a damsel in distress,” I joked. “I’ll only be a moment.”

The breeze stirred the leaves on the trees as he walked me out to the parking lot. Our arms brushed against each other and a shiver went down my spine. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, attributing it to the weather and not to the energy he seemed to carry with him. I walked a little faster. There was only one car in the parking lot, making me wonder how Will had gotten here. I turned to offer him a ride home and almost ran into him. We were standing so close; I could barely get any words out.

“Do you need a ride home?” I stammered.  “I just live right down the road from you.” He was standing close enough that I should feel his breath, but all I could feel was a cool rhythmic breeze on my skin. It was hard to admit that I didn’t really want our evening together to end.

He looked surprised at my question at first, but then a smile crept across his face.

“That would be nice, if you don’t mind.” He stepped away from me, as if he was suddenly aware of our proximity, but his stormy eyes stayed locked on mine.

An owl called out into the night air, startling me. The car was still a little ways away, and I briskly walked to it, fumbling with my keys at the door. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was usually so much more together than this. I was acting like a stupid school girl with a crush!
Pull it together
, I murmured under my breath.
Try not to act like a total idiot!

Once in an enclosed area, the energy between us seemed to intensify and I could feel my heart beating. It was so loud, I was sure that he could hear it. He sat still next to me, and I wondered if he was feeling the same way I was. Finally, the nearness of him in the car and my nerves got the best of me, and I just started prattling, unable to stand the silence.

“So are you home for a while?” Dumb question. He would be here at least 3 months if he was going to help me out.

“Yes, although I’m not sure for how long. I mean, I don’t know how long I will stay after we finish the play.” His response seemed measured and cautious.

“Where were you before?” I continued. “I mean, where do you usually live?

“Chicago. I uh, used to go to school there.” Yes. Definitely a hesitation. There was more to that response and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was hiding. A reminder that I shouldn’t be too eager to let him in. “I was going to grad school, but I decided to take some time off.”

“Was it not what you thought it should be?” His answer had seemed too calculated.

“That and I just started to miss home.” He let out a long sigh and seemed to relax a little.  “It had been a long time since I’d been home. Plus, it’s a big house for my father to take care of. And my sister and I have always been very close.”

The energy in the car began to dissipate a little, making it easier for me to talk. I just wish I didn’t feel so tongue tied around him. He shifted a little in the seat and looked out the window, making it easier for me to continue with the small talk.

“Yes, Celia is a wonderful student. She’s in one of my English classes. Your father must be very proud of her.” Suddenly, I realized that he must be around my age, yet I don’t remember seeing him in school. “Where did you graduate from high school?”

“I went to high school in a small town in Massachusetts. We lived there before my father and sister moved here.” The more I tried to decode him, the more the enigma kept growing.

“Where is your mother, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“She died a long time ago.” His voice was cold and his tone was even. I shivered a little and decided not to push the topic anymore. I could see it was not a conversation that he wanted to continue.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

We pulled into the subdivision. The ride was too short. My eyes were drawn to a solitary light on at his house. Before I could turn down the driveway, he interrupted me.

“You don’t have to drop me off at my house. I can walk from yours.”

“Are you sure? It’s no trouble?” I slowed the car, preparing to head down the dark driveway.

“No, the driveway is hard to see at night. Besides, it’s a pleasant walk.”

“Okay.” I turned into my driveway instead and turned the car off. He unfolded himself from the front seat.

“Goodbye, and thank you for the ride,” he said from over the top of my car. Even in the dark, I could see his grey eyes clearly.

“It’s not a problem.” I bit my lip nervously.  “You know, I can give you a ride home again, if you need it.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“That would be great.” He flashed a smile at me. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night.” Within seconds, he disappeared into the night.

I stood on the front porch for a few moments, staring out into the darkness after him. At least I didn’t freeze this time. I had actually managed to hold an intelligent conversation with him. Well, I think it sounded intelligent. Not only that, we would be working together every night. Nothing could stop the smile from erupting on my face. If I didn’t watch it, I could find myself falling for this boy. I did know one thing. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow night.

Winter was just around the
corner, and the air had a chill to it when I got up for my morning run, but it only energized me. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Will and the auditions last night. There was definitely something about him. He intrigued me. When he smiled, part of me wanted to run and part of me wanted to melt into his arms. I shivered at the thought of seeing him again, and picked up my pace a little, letting my muscles stretch and warm in the morning air.

It didn’t take long for me to run three miles and before I knew it, I was home. My body felt good, but my head wasn’t any clearer. What was I doing thinking about him all the time! I just met him. If I really thought about it, the whole situation was strange. I mean, he was polite, too polite. And the way he moved. It was as if he never made a sound. He was just there. Plus, he was the brother of one of my students. It was just too weird. I needed to forget about him in that way. It would be good to have the help with the play, but I needed to keep reminding myself that within a matter of months, he could be gone. I couldn’t afford to let myself get involved.

I was early getting to school, as usual. A few staff cars took their regular places in the parking lot and the few zero-hour students had already begun to filter in. I posted the call back list, locked my door, and went and hid in the teacher’s lounge. I was not in the mood for a bunch of whiny students wanting to know why they didn’t get a call back. My head was too busy for that. It was best to stay away until the bell rang.

“Hey, Jules. How did auditions go last night?” Kara sauntered into the room, looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed as usual. I sat at the table playing with my cup of tea.

“They were great.” I hesitated, not sure whether or not to add the next part. She grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured herself a steaming cup of coffee. After topping it off with what must have been ½ a cup of sugar, she took a sip only to make a face, put the cup down, and add more sugar. When she was finally satisfied, she took a seat across from me.

“Ah, John found me an assistant director,” I started again and put my cup to my lips so that she wouldn’t see me smile.

“Really, and who might that be?” She set her mug down, her eyes full of anticipation.

“Will Bradley.” She raised an eyebrow at me, signaling me to go on. “I guess he’s pretty good at Shakespeare. Honestly, I don’t think that John wanted me alone in the building at night, so he asked the first available male to help. It’s okay, I think it will work out. I mean he seems knowledgeable.” I sounded like an idiot trying to justify Will helping me and ended up rambling on.

“Will Bradley? That’s the guy, isn’t it? The guy you hinted at the other night.” She practically shouted his name.

“Shhhh! Keep your voice down. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” I looked around frantically to see who might have overheard. “And don’t forget, his sister could be roaming these halls at any minute!”

“Sorry, I just got a little carried away thinking about the prospect of a boy for you. I mean, how could you not be excited?” Kara brought her voice back down to a conversational tone, but the mischievous twinkle was still in her eye. Nothing got her going like good ‘boy drama.’

“I am, I think. I… It’s just that I don’t really know. I can’t figure him out. He just doesn’t seem like a normal guy. He doesn’t bombard me with too many questions and he doesn’t know about my past. And I need to focus on the play, not some guy. Besides, he will probably leave after the show anyway.” And it was just too soon for me to let someone in.

“Would it be a bad thing if he did know? About your past, I mean?” she stated mater-of-factly.

“Well, no. It’s just easier to not be judged and looked at as
that
girl. I am so tired of everyone in this town looking at me like I’m a leper, just because of my brother and parents. I just want people to recognize me for me, you know?” I shoved the chair out roughly and walked away, staring absentmindedly at the wall.

“I’m sorry. I hope I’ve never done that to you.”

“No, it’s not you. You are the only one who
doesn’t
treat me that way.” Kara sighed, and I heard her get up and walk over to me.

“You know I just want you to be happy,” she said squeezing my shoulders. I shrugged and smiled.

The bell rang, warning us that we had better get back to our classrooms. We got up and walked out the door, parting when we got to our rooms.

“See you at lunch?” I called after her.

“Definitely, but maybe we should eat in my classroom today. I don’t want to deal with school gossip once those kids see the cast list,” she answered pointing to the brightly colored sheet of paper taped to my door.