A Sadness Within (15 page)

My book was still sitting on the counter next to the now-cold tea pot on the stove. Right where I had abandoned them both when Will had come over. Feeling good, I started the tea pot again, and prepared to settle down with my book until Will called.

He was still such an enigma to me.  One minute he was baring his soul, and the next minute he was warning me of his past.  Maybe I was just scared and reading too much into it. No one had ever paid any attention to me like this and the feeling was so new. Still, I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be with me. It felt like I was waiting for him to just disappear; waiting for him to ride off into the sunset on his two wheeled horse, after he realizes that he rescued the wrong princess. But a few hours later, Will showed up on my doorstep with flowers, ready to take me to dinner.

I
disappeared into the darkness
again, but this time my heart was lighter. I never knew that life could be like this. We had gone out to dinner and spent hours just talking, wanting to know everything about each other; favorite color, favorite food, favorite song. Afterward, we stood on the porch and I kissed her tenderly, leaving before she could say anything, giving only a quick glance and a little wave as I reached the sidewalk. I was afraid of staying and screwing up again, and she was so wonderful. I needed to leave.

Once I was out of her line of sight, I jogged back home. This was getting to be very difficult. I was torn between my need to be with her and the need to still keep her safe from my other self... from what I really was. The weight in my chest was returning again, as I put distance between us. It was so easy to forget who I was when we were together. She just made me feel so… human. Maybe it wasn’t that I forgot, maybe I really didn’t know anymore.  It was, perhaps, the most dangerous, reckless thing I had ever done. In truth, I was a little scared of what I was doing. What kind of danger had I put her in? Would she be suspicious of my cool lips? Closing my eyes, I pictured her innocent face and her green eyes. I took in her image until my vision fogged, and the ache became all consuming.

I crept silently into the house, hoping I wouldn’t run into Celia again. Fortunately, the house was empty, allowing me to make it to my room uninterrupted.

My cell phone was flashing. I was sure it was Chris. He had been calling me for days now, but I didn’t want to talk to him. It only complicated things. Suddenly, I was very tired, the events of the entire day having drained me.

This morning, I had risen early, while the house was still shrouded in darkness. Sleep had been elusive as I tossed and turned most of the night.  I remembered kissing Julia and felt the ache again, I had needed to see her. I had needed to gage her reaction and waited as long as I could before knocking on her door. She was everything I had remembered as she stood in her pajamas at the door and within minutes, she was tucked in tight behind me on my motorcycle, as we drove to the beach.

My thoughts were a whirlwind, as I again tried to tell her about me and about what I really was, but I just wasn’t ready. I hadn’t wanted to leave her after returning from the beach, but I was afraid. I was afraid of these new human emotions that were awakening in me. They were strong, and I didn’t want to scare her. There was still something so fragile and vulnerable about Julia. I knew that she didn’t fully trust me yet, and honestly, she shouldn’t. There were things I hadn’t told her about myself. I didn’t know how she would react when I
did
tell her. I wanted her to not be afraid, to say that what or who I was didn’t really matter.

And now, here I was trying to figure out what to do with these new pieces of my life. I peered around the curtain toward her house. I could barely see the light of her porch glowing faintly through the trees; a beacon for my heart.

“How was your date with
Julia?” The early morning light seeped through my window as Celia barged into my room with her questions. So much for sleeping in.

“Fine,” I mumbled, rolling over and burying my face in the pillow. I didn’t really want to talk to her right now.  I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

“Did you tell her? How did it go?”

“Mmm,” I replied.

“Come on, Will. Spill.”

I sighed loudly, turning back to her. She wasn’t going to let me sleep. This much was evident.

“Celia, I just couldn’t do it. Okay? I don’t want to scare her off. It’s just too soon.” It was hard to hide my ire. Being woken up early and pestered about my love life made me agitated. I tried to calm myself before continuing.  “I’m sorry, Celia, I don’t really want to talk right now. I’m feeling kind of off. Please understand. We can talk later.”

I tried to make my tone sound as normal as possible, but it was a struggle. Her eyes glared into mine, trying to find answers. I couldn’t hold her stare for long before I turned my attention back in the direction of the light I had seen in the distance last night. Fortunately, this seemed to be the sign she needed to understand that I was serious about wanting space.

“Oh alright, I guess I will just leave you alone.” She turned to walk out the door, but stopped to look over her shoulder briefly. “For now.”

The door clicked softly behind her, and my thoughts began to wander to Julia again. I didn’t think I was going to be able to see her today because she had some things to do. I didn’t want to come across as too overbearing. Instead, I had to wander around and occupy my time.

It was still warm late in the afternoon, so I found myself driving back to the beach. It was strangely calm on the lake, and I was easily able to walk out to the end of the pier. Once I was surrounded by water on three sides, I could feel the tension leave. This wasn’t going to be as hard as I thought. I was doing it. I had fallen in love and was changing, and while these new emotion were new and confusing, I knew this is what I wanted. My father and sister had been right. Julia was all that I needed now.

I would need to take one more trip to Chicago, to get my things. I would need to tell Chris I was moving back here. Back home. Break all ties. I could get a real job and maybe even go to college. I could be with Julia. I wouldn’t allow myself to think beyond that, but it was enough hope to get me through.

The sun began to fall from the cloudless sky. It met the lake in a flash of brilliant color and soon it was growing dark. Content for the first time in what felt like years, I turned to go, happy with my decision, happy with the new direction my life was taking.

The house was quiet again when I returned. My sister and father both off doing their own thing. I found it odd at first, but then realized that maybe they both were giving me the space I wanted. I paced back and forth in the living room, anxious once more. I took in the pictures and artifacts scattered throughout the room and actually found them comforting. I grabbed a glass paperweight from the table and rolled it around in my hand. The petals of a brilliant purple zinnia were preserved inside. Paperweights had been a favorite of my mother. She collected them for their beauty and simplicity. I set the zinnia down and picked up another one. The glass was cold and smooth. I rolled it over in my hand just like I had the other one and felt closer to my mother than I had in many years.

No matter how I tried to distract myself, my eyes continued to settle out the window in the direction of the farmhouse down the street. Again, there was a light on, signaling that Julia would be home. Should I casually stop by to see her? My heart leapt at the thought, when the grandfather clock chimed the hour, reminding me just how late it was. It didn’t matter. I needed to see her. I felt that right now, it was essential to my existence. With one last glance toward the light, I made my decision and rushed out the door.

The streetlamps hummed and flickered, leaving gray shadows on the street.  I slowed as I neared her house because I could hear her music. I stayed hidden behind the tree, peering carefully through the window; I saw her sitting as she played a song. Suddenly, she stopped, and a look of pain shot across her face. Then, just as quickly, it was gone, and a new melody was coming from her slender fingers. At this moment, I needed her more than anything in the world. Even more than the blood I needed to survive.  I couldn’t take my eyes away from the scene before me, completely pulled into the melody coming from the instrument beneath her. It was haunting. Her body swayed with the tune, waves of auburn hair swirling about her shoulders.  Her music seemed to find its way into me, filling the holes. I wanted nothing more than to make my presence known, to sweep her up and carry her away.

I knocked lightly on the door and listened, as her footsteps treaded toward me.

“Hey.” Julia smiled brightly. “Is everything okay?”

“Not really. I’m sorry, I should have called. I just wanted to see you.” I hesitated.

“That’s okay, please come in,” I stepped into her house, and she stepped into my arms. 

“I heard you playing and… I missed you today,” I whispered into her ear as I buried my face into her hair. “Will you play for me?

She turned her face toward mine, her lips parted and then we were kissing. She tasted so good and I melted into her. We both pulled away, a bit breathless.

“Of course,” she said against my lips. I kissed the tip of her nose and smiled. “Come on.”

Julia smiled back and grabbed my hand, leading me over to the piano; her eyes never leaving mine. She slide down onto the bench gracefully and began to play. I stood behind her, my hands resting on her shoulders, and the music she played became a part of my soul, making me feel whole.

Daytime was becoming harder and
harder, since I couldn’t be with her. She was at school all day and it wasn’t exactly somewhere I could be with her discreetly. I tried reading but couldn’t concentrate. Walking down to the beach was a daily distraction and was becoming increasingly boring. I even tried my hand gardening with my father, but nothing could leave me feeling truly content, other than being with her. Finally, I could wait no longer, so I decided to head over to the school early.

She was still in her classroom sitting at her desk. There were very few students left in the building; it was easy to show up unnoticed. I stood at her doorway watching the way she gripped the pen she was holding in one hand, while biting the cap. Her other hand was running though her hair, twisting it in concentration.

“Knock, knock.” I tapped the door lightly, trying not to startle her, but she still jumped as she looked up. “I wish my English teacher had looked that hot while grading papers,” I joked.

“Oh, hi.” Her face broke into a smile. “I didn’t expect you for another hour.”

“I couldn’t stay away any longer.” I bent over slightly and kissed the top of her head. She looked anxiously at the door and I realized that I may have been a little too forward. “I’m sorry, I guess I shouldn’t do that at school.”

“No, it’s okay but maybe we should keep this kind of quiet here.”

“I guess you’re right.” I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the desk so that I could look at her.

“I just have to finish correcting this paper and then we can head to the auditorium if you want.” She tapped her red pen against the paper in front of her.

“Take your time.” I nodded and looked around her room giving her time to work. I glanced through the titles on her shelves. Mostly weathered, dog-eared classics like
Frankenstein
,
Great Expectations
, and
Pride and Prejudice
. I sat in a desk near the back of the room and pretended to thumb through a book so I could watch her. She had an intense look of concentration and was still biting her pen cap. Her body was entirely still while she read. And again, I thought she was absolutely beautiful. How could it be that she wanted to be with me? Her melody began to play in my head, and I began to think about all that has happened to me in the last month. The monster from Chicago seemed so far away. A month ago, I never would have guessed that I would be able to sit so near someone like this, with thoughts other than those of death. She had completely changed me.

“Ready?” she had finished sometime during my daydream and was standing up ready to go.

“Ready when you are.”

I grabbed her bag from her so that I could keep my hands occupied, and we began to walk toward the auditorium.

“How was your day?” I casually asked. My free hand was itching to grab hers, but I wanted to be respectful of her wishes. I switched her bag to my other shoulder and jammed my other hand into my pocket.

“It was long. The kids had an essay due in Senior English and most of them didn’t turn it in. I get to hear all of their excuses, while they beg me to accept it late. It makes for a tiring day. I mean, I really don’t understand why they can’t just do it!”  Her outrage flushed her cheeks and her eyes flashed momentarily with anger. It made me want to laugh and protect her all at once.

“I’m sorry. Hopefully, rehearsal will go well tonight.”

She smiled back at me, the corners of her mouth slightly upturned.

“Yeah, maybe.”