A Sadness Within (10 page)

“Alright, class. Don’t forget to
hand in your compare/contrast essay before you leave.” I sighed when I thought the last student had left my class, so I was startled to hear a voice.

“Miss Cavallo?” Celia was standing near my desk. I hadn’t heard her come up. She was stealthy just like Will. Very strange. I pushed the comparison from my head.

“Oh hi, Celia. I didn’t see you there. What can I do for you?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that. I just wanted to see if you were okay. You seemed distracted today.” A corner of her mouth turned up slightly, but her eyes were unreadable.

Crap. Had I let on to the students that things were off in my life? Panic crossed my face. Did Will say something about me? Could Celia tell how I felt?

“Oh thanks. I’m just a little tired, you know with auditions last night. I have to remind myself that it’s going to be a couple of long months.” I smiled meekly at her.

“Yeah, my brother told me about them. He is really excited to be helping you with the play.” She paused, a smile on her lips. “Okay, well, have a nice night.” Her smile turned into a smirk. Clearly, she had been talking to her brother. And what did she mean by that? He was excited about the play or excited to be with me? I don’t know. I was so confused. Seeing her in my class didn’t help. The way she always looked at me. It was like she was trying to read me. I needed to stop thinking so deeply into this!

Tonight couldn’t come soon enough, and I found it hard to pass the few hours in between school and the rest of the auditions. Reading papers for an hour managed to occupy my mind and my time, but I decided to go home and grab some dinner instead of sitting here trying to waste time. The wind had picked up a little and the grey and fluffy clouds warned of snow. I wrapped my jacket tightly around myself as I walked outside. As I was unlocking my car, I suddenly had the feeling of being watched. I turned, expecting to find someone. Nothing. I looked around nervously and scanned the parking lot. There were a few cars left. Anyone could be hiding behind one and I certainly didn’t want to find out whom. My imagination could be pretty wild if I wasn’t careful.

Once in the car, I locked the doors and sped away, not wanting to look in my rear view mirror to see if anyone truly was there. As a pulled into my driveway, a body stood up from the front porch and I froze. Tentatively, I inched my car closer, and then my heart skipped a beat. It was Will.

I tried to act nonchalant when I got out of the car. I hoped that my emotions were not written all over my face.

“Hi, Will. I hope you haven’t been here for long. I would have come back sooner.” Hell, I’d have jumped in my car immediately if I had known he was here!

“I’m sorry that I’m here waiting for you, but I don’t know how to get a hold of you. Could I get a ride with you to rehearsal tonight?” His grey eyes deepened and bore right into mine.

“Oh sure. No problem,” I replied nervously, fiddling with my hair.

“Thanks, I don’t have a car, living in a big city, and I don’t want to have someone keep dropping me off.” I watched his long fingers play with
the zipper on his jacket, mesmerized.

Realizing I was staring, I reached down to get my bags out of the car. He met me in the walkway and reached to take them from me. I always took way too much home from school with the intention of doing work, but somehow, nothing ever got done. He followed me to the front door. I unlocked it and stepped inside. I was a few feet inside when I noticed that he didn’t immediately follow me. A true gentleman. I guess it was rude of me to assume he would just walk in like that.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked.

He looked around nervously as if he were unsure.

“Oh. Sure. I guess that I’m sort of old-fashioned. I didn’t know if you wanted me to come in.” The last part came out hesitantly, like he was covering something up. He walked to the table and set my bag down.

“I was just about to get something to eat quickly. Can I get you something?” I began to pull some semblance of a dinner out of the cupboard.

“No, that’s okay. Actually, I think I will just run home quick and get my things.”

“My cooking is not that bad,” I tried to joke, and a smile broke out on his face. How quickly I had become comfortable with him.

“No, it’s not your cooking. I just have a few things I want to get done before we have to go tonight.” He walked toward the door, and I followed shyly, hoping that he would change his mind. “I will be back over here in 45 minutes.”

“Okay, great.” I replied as he stepped out. After waiting a moment, I slowly shut the door, then peeked out the window to watch him leave, but he was already gone. It was like he had vanished into thin air. I must have waited longer than I thought and he must have jogged home. Yeah, that would explain things. But, somehow, it didn’t. That was the thing about Will. I felt that there was so much left unexplained.

“Thank you all for coming tonight.” I glanced quickly at Will sitting next to me. “Mr. Bradley and I think that we will have an excellent play and can’t wait to begin work. Final casting will be posted on the door outside my room tomorrow.” The quiet auditorium erupted with students talking as they left. Most of the girls eyed Will, taking in his good looks and forgetting he was out of high school. I rolled my eyes toward him as he smiled back at them.

“They are too young for you, you know,” I chided, careful to not let him see my own jealous expression. I had spent years building up a tough exterior so as to not let anyone see what I was really feeling. I hoped that Will wasn’t able to see through it.

“What are you jealous?”

So much for that. He laughed, flashing that killer smile at me again and I tried not to melt. I smiled back, admitting to myself that his presence was growing on me. There was definitely something about him that was drawing me in. The more time I spent with him, the less skeptical I became. I began to gather all of my papers and shove them in my bag. It gave me an excuse to not look at him, something that I couldn’t seem to stop doing.

“No, I just think it’s funny that all the girls look at you that way.”

“Look at me what way?” he asked innocently. I turned to glare at him. He stood with his arms crossed, the muscle in his jaw flexing as he clamped down a smirk on his face, and a few tendrils of dark hair lay across his forehead.

Looking at you the way I am probably looking you
, I said to myself. Our eyes locked for a moment and I felt a fire spread through my cheeks. I turned away still aware of his gaze, unable to answer him.

“Okay, let’s get things cleaned up around here and get going. I’m ready for a hot shower and then bed.” We cleaned up in silence for a few minutes, but I was constantly aware of his presence. There was more to it than that. Will had been a tremendous help to me over the last day or so. He really was knowledgeable when it came to Shakespeare. He gave the kids lots of hints on their auditions. He may not know a lot about theater, but he certainly understood the play’s meaning.

“So why did you become an English teacher?” He finally broke the silence with more questions. I should have been prepared, considering that I had been asking him questions myself. It was only fair.

“Well, my grandmother was a teacher and I really admired her. And I always loved to read and write. It seemed to make sense that I should be an English teacher. I guess it’s what I always wanted to do.”

“Do you like teaching high school?” He was walking through the aisles, picking up any trash on the ground. I couldn’t help but look at his backside when he bent down.

“Yes, I do. I like dealing with the older students. Although, I don’t really feel that much older than them, since this is my first year. And I don’t think I could work with elementary. They are too moldable. I might corrupt them.” He laughed at my response. “What about you. What were you studying in Chicago? Or did you finish college?”

“I started out studying medicine, but I don’t think that’s for me. That’s part of the reason I came home. I don’t think I want to do that anymore.” He looked up at me with blazing eyes. “In fact, I’m not sure
what
I want anymore.”

Surely, he wasn’t talking about school anymore. My cheeks flushed again at the thought.

“Hmm.” I smiled a little. He was being so open tonight. Last night he didn’t seem to want to talk at all.

“What? What are you thinking? Did I say something amusing?” He moved back up the aisle to join me.

“No, it’s just that you’re giving information so freely tonight. Last night you were so guarded. I like learning more about you.” I grabbed the rest of the audition sheets and put them in my bag to avoid his eyes. “I only mean that it’s nice to know more about you, since we will be working so closely together.” Something in me felt the need to clarify. I didn’t need him to think I was some sort of crazy stalker.

“Oh, I guess I just didn’t know about you last night. I mean, what you would think of some stranger helping out. You are very easy to be around.” I looked right up into his grey eyes. I leaned into the nearest row of seats, suddenly feeling the need to sit down. He seemed to be looking right into me. His eyes were bright tonight, brighter than I had ever seen before.

“Well, I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure about you at first. What was I supposed to think about the mysterious night janitor who can help with theater? But you really know a lot about Shakespeare so how could I turn that down.”

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” He smiled sweetly and I laughed. Quoting
Hamlet
. He was good.

“I suppose we should get home. Are you ready?” I asked.

“Sure, whenever you are.” He flashed his million dollar grin again. Seriously, I think my heart skipped a beat. I turned the lights off and then locked the auditorium after giving the piano a longing gaze and then we walked to my car.

It was a short drive home, so I drove slowly, never ready for our time together to end. I welcomed the comfortable silence in the car. I could feel him looking over at me from time to time and I resisted the urge to look back at him. Things were falling into place with him. The more time I spent with him, the more comfortable I felt, yet he set my emotions on edge and made me feel like I never had before. How strange that someone could affect me like that in such a short time. It scared me that I felt so at ease and yet flustered. I had been pushing people away for so long, building up an emotionless exterior, so I panicked at the thought of letting him in. Then again, he was so different from anyone that I knew. I didn’t really know how to describe it. I suppose it was akin to standing on the edge of a precipice ready to jump. It was equally exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Soon we were pulling into my driveway and saying our goodbyes. I would see him tomorrow night, yet I was anxious to watch him leave.

It was dark out and getting cooler by the minute. I stood on the porch for a few minutes, watching Will disappear. It would only take him a minute to get home, and then I knew what I needed to do.

Once I thought that he wouldn’t notice me, I climbed back into my car and drove. I needed to talk to someone… my brother.

The cemetery is technically closed at dusk, but I knew a way in. I liked to come at night since it was quieter and I knew that no one would be here to bother me. Unlike most people, I liked being here alone. There was solace to be found at times, in this maze of stone.  During the day when others were around, I felt as if they watched me at his grave, like they wanted to see me break down. Or they felt pity. That was the thing about this small town. I always felt watched and judged. Everyone knew your life story. They knew your strengths and your weaknesses.

The granite headstone shimmered in the moonlight.  I was at peace out here tonight; a stark contrast to some visits. Missing Aaron seemed to be a consuming part of my life at times. Some days were harder than others, and I ached with the loss. Some were like today, relatively easy. Still, I visited his grave often. My parents were buried separately, in different cemeteries. I think I came to terms with their deaths long ago, but I had never understood the unfairness of Aaron’s death, so his seemed to haunt me more. I had always been closest with him anyway, so he was my first choice when I needed someone to talk to.

“I started play practice this week,” I began. I could almost hear him answer in my head, while I prattled. “I think we’ll have a good cast this year. We’re doing Shakespeare’s
As You Like It.
And I have a new assistant director. You remember the Bradley place down the street? Well, Will Bradley, the boy I was telling you about before, I guess he’s really good at Shakespeare, so he’s helping me.” I paused and traced my finger over Aaron’s name. The stone was cool and smooth. I breathed in deeply, letting the extra oxygen settle deep in my lungs. “There is something about him that I like. Will. I find myself letting my guard down and… and it scares the shit out of me.” I spoke very softly, as if someone else was around to hear my confession. Finally, I had said it aloud. There was something about Will Bradley that scared me, true, but there was also a part of me that liked that about him. And I was definitely drawn to him. The way his eyes pierced through me. The way he flexed his chiseled jaw. The few strands of hair that constantly seemed to fall forward and get tangled in his long, dark lashes. The deep timbre and lilt of his voice, like a siren song, drew me in.