A Sadness Within (16 page)

“You know what? Let’s take
a 20 minute break.”

Rehearsal was not going well. Julia and I had been working with Rosalind and Orlando for over half an hour on a pivotal scene, and they just weren’t getting it. The kids slowly began to file out of the auditorium, grumbling under their breath.

“Why is this so hard today?” Julia questioned rhetorically, sinking her face into her hands. I placed my hand on her back in an effort to calm her, happy for the chance to touch her.

“I don’t know.” I didn’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I didn’t know how to answer her.  We sat in silence, not knowing what to say. Finally, Julia jumped up and took a seat at the piano. She started to play and then stopped suddenly and turned to me, her cheeks flushed.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I just need to play for a minute. It centers me and then I feel like I can think straight.” Of course, I already knew this about her and would never turn down the chance to hear her play.

She began again, and I sat back and let her music consume me. It was a melancholy tune, perhaps Chopin. I joined her at the piano and leaned on it, remembering the first time we were in this same auditorium and she caught me listening to her play. How odd it was that she had become comfortable with me so quickly.

I knew the music conveyed how she was feeling, which made me want to help so badly. What could I do to turn this rehearsal around? The students didn’t seem like they were really capturing the love between Rosalind and Orlando.

“Maybe I could talk to them.” I started, as she began to fade out. “Show them some lines. Perhaps we could act out the scene together to give them a better idea.”

Her hands paused above the keys, and she cocked her head to the side in thought.

“I suppose we could try. I’m not sure any of them has actually seen it being performed before, so I guess it might help.” There was hesitation in her voice, but I wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t want to act out a scene, or that she didn’t want to act out a scene with
me
.

“Yes, I think we should show them how. Let’s run through it first, just to make sure we have it down before they come back.”

She stood up and came to the middle of the stage.

“Ready?” I asked.

She nodded and took a place across from me.

“
Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love
.” I began, delivering the lines of this poignant scene between Orlando and Rosalind in disguise.

“
Me believe it?
” Her voice rang against the walls. “
You may as soon make her that you love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to do than to confess she does. That is one of the points in which women still give the lie to their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he that hangs the verses on the trees wherein Rosalind is so admired?
” Julia delivered the lines perfectly, as if she really were Rosalind.

“
I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he
.”

“
But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?
” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she had moved close to me. I could feel the heat radiating from her body.

“
Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.
” I answered softly.  I reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It wasn’t Orlando speaking those words, it was me. I did love her. More than anything. I knew that I had to tell her who I was. A love like this could hold no secrets. She needed to know what I was if she was ever to love me back, like this. It pained me because I knew that she would run. She wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. Someone who had killed for the sport, someone who, up until recently, barely cared if they were alive or dead. She didn’t want to love someone like me. She deserved someone much stronger than me. I couldn’t give her what she needed. Yet the selfish part of me was not willing to let someone else have her. I wanted to be the person who could give her what she needs.

The sound of the students returning to the auditorium broke the mood.  They slowed and eyed us cautiously when they saw us standing so clos
e together on the stage. Perhaps they could sense the tension, the love, the fear.

Julia snapped out of it first.

“Okay, we had an idea that I think will help you. Will and I are going to act out this scene, to give you an idea of what it looks like. Remember, this is just an interpretation. I just think that you should show more emotion. Orlando is saying these things to Ganymede as if she’s Rosalind. And Rosalind, in disguise, is more freely able to express herself.” She turned to me. “Ready?”

Yes, in disguise, you could express yourself more freely. Wasn’t that what I was doing? Hiding behind the guise of a normal human man when really, there was a dark past stalking me? Julia’s nudge pulled me out of my inner nightmare and reminded me that we had a task.

I could only see the students out of the corner of my eye as we went through this scene, only looking at our scripts when necessary. We flowed together, and again, I could feel the love.

After that, practice went by much quicker. We sat in relative silence next to each other, but I could feel the tension between our bodies. At one point, I touched my finger to the back of her hand, lightly caressing it only to have her jump from the sensation. From then on, I kept my hands to myself.

Finally, we were alone, walking out together. I grabbed her hand, and she let my fingers curl around it. My awareness of her touch was unlike anything I could remember and no matter how many times I did it, it always felt like the first time. Tiny volts of electricity ran up and down my arm and warmth slowly moved through my body. As much as I had been waiting my whole life for this, I couldn’t help but feel how foreign and strange this all was. My fledgling feelings were so intense.

The car ride home was quiet. I never felt like I had to fill the silence when I was with her. I was just content to be. She started humming a tune, and I pictured her playing it.

“Julia?” I began, feeling the need to confess as the darkness swirled around me.

“Hmmm,” she replied lightly, a smile playing across her lips as she continued to hum. Shadows played across her face, while the streetlights gave her a sort of glow. It was like she had an aura around her. And she looked happy. Happier than I had seen her since I had met her. The smile had finally reached her eyes, and they were sparkling. I couldn’t do this to her now. Not here in this dark car. I couldn’t admit my secrets in a place where she would be terrified. I wanted her to see me in the light, where I hoped she wouldn’t run in fear. Not to mention the fact that I was selfish. I was thrilled that I seemed to be the reason for this happiness, and I wanted to surround myself with it.

“I think rehearsal turned out ok,” I replied back, my confidence fading. No, I would not tell her like this. Maybe I could hint to her and she would figure it out for herself. No, that was cowardly. It needed to come from me.

We pulled into her driveway, and I walked her to the door. She wrapped her arms around me and I could feel her warmth invade my body again. Her lips found mine and I responded back. I could hold her like this forever.

“You’re always so cold; you really should wear a coat.” Her observation alarmed me. Maybe she already had her suspicions.

“I’m okay. I don’t like to wear coats.” I chuckled into her hair trying to keep the mood light. “I suppose I should get home.”

“You could stay for a while tonight if you want to. I’m not ready to let you go,” she looked at me sheepishly. The hole in my chest ached for her.

“Ok. But, not too long.  I don’t want to have to explain things to my father and Celia.” I laughed a little to lighten the mood.

I followed her in the door and stood awkwardly, as she hung up her coat and walked into the kitchen to check her answering machine. Such everyday mundane things, yet I could see the anxiety growing in her. Neither one of us knew what the next step would be when we were alone like this.

“Um, do you want to watch a movie or something?” She bit her lip in such an adorable way, I had to grasp the countertop to physically restrain myself from sweeping her in my arms, kissing her, and carrying her off to bed.

“Sure.” I turned away and pretended to straighten a stack of papers on the kitchen counter. 

“Anything in particular you feel like?”

“It doesn’t matter to me.” As long as I’m with you, I thought.

“I hope you don’t mind, but my only
DVD player is in my bedroom.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Are you worried I’ll take advantage of you if we’re in there?”

“No, of course not,” she tried to cover. “It’s more like I thought you would be thinking that I was coming on to you.” She laughed nervously, too, but it was enough to help break the awkward tension between us.

“Lead the way, I promise I’ll behave,” I said, reaching for her hand.

We walked in silence but with hands still locked. Her warmth began to radiate through me.

Her bedroom was not what I had pictured. Instead of taking the largest bedroom, it looked like she was still in the bedroom she had as a child. I looked at the closed doors hiding the memories behind them and decided not to ask. Her room was sage green with a modest desk in one corner and a TV on the dresser. There were a few pictures, in which she looked rather young. A few band posters were scattered on the walls. Between them were shelves housing trophies and ribbons from various music competitions. Bedside tables flanked the mission style oak bed in the center of the room. A ragged quilt that looked to be homemade was thrown messily on. The room was a mix of old and new, almost as if she couldn’t decide what she wanted to remember and what she wanted to forget. A representation of her life before everything changed and what her life was like now.

She quickly straightened out the quilt and threw some pillows toward the headboard before settling on the bed, remotes in hand.

“If you don’t really have an opinion on what you want to watch, I was in the middle of watching something and was thinking that we could just finish it.” She looked at me anxiously and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Sure.” I kicked my shoes off and climbed on the bed to sit next to her. She settled into the crook of my arm and pulled a blanket over us. The movie began to play but I barely paid attention. It was some period film, but I was so distracted by her being in my arms, I didn’t care. I began to stroke her silky hair and instantly felt my ache subside. I kissed the top of her head, and she turned in my arms, her green eyes piercing into mine. She tilted her head toward me closing her eyes. Our lips met, ever so softly, and a flash of emotion followed. God, I loved this girl. I loved this girl so much, my life would never be the same.

She sighed as we separated and laid her head back on my chest. I could feel her warmth and her heartbeat, which brought me back into the present, where I remembered how different we really were. I couldn’t help but wonder if she noticed my lack of a regular heartbeat. By now, my body was warm from having her in my arms, and I reveled in the warmth.

We sat like this until the movie ended. I waited for her to get up and turn the player off, but she only snuggled further on my chest. The even sound of her breathing told me that she was asleep. Maybe I could just stay here all night, holding her. No, I knew that my father would worry if I didn’t show up at home.

I slowly moved out from under her, careful not to wake her, and slid her under the covers. My hand moved to caress her cheek and I kissed her lightly.

“I love you.” I whispered quietly and then slipped out into the night.

A few nights later, Celia
was waiting on the porch when I came home. She had a glass of blood waiting for me. Funny, I hadn’t been thirsty until I saw it in her hand. I counted backward in my mind and realized that it had been over a week since I had anything. I hardly noticed anymore. I didn’t want blood with Julia next to me. Our pattern rarely altered, and basically involved being with each other as much as we could. I frequently came to school early, just to be with her. We ran rehearsal and went back to her house afterward. Sometimes she played for me. Sometimes we talked. Sometimes, I just held her, running my hands through her soft hair. I wanted more. I wanted to know all of her. To caress her bare skin. To make her feel as beautiful and she was. She wasn’t the kind of girl to jump into bed with someone right away, so I knew I had to be patient. For now, I would have to be content holding her and kissing her madly.

“Here,” Celia said as she handed me the drink. “You’ve been a little pale, and I thought you could use it. You can’t forget that you still need this to survive.” She followed me like a shadow, waiting for something.

“Yeah, thanks.” Thanks for reminding me what I was.

“You didn’t tell her yet, did you?”

“No. But I almost told her tonight.”

“You say that every night,” she reminded.

“Well, this time it’s true,” I replied, pushing my way past her and into the house.