You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (19 page)

Next, consider the prospect of moving the concrete case out of the cave, to just in front of it. And then do the same procedure: if there is distress at that prospect, tap on that statement, i.e. ‘I’m scared to move the case out in front of the cave’, until the distress is gone. And then move the concrete case out of the cave and place it just in front of the cave.

Little by little you will do the following, tapping to a 0 at each step:

• Consider the possibility of bringing the concrete case down to the foot of the mountain
  

• Actually bring the concrete case down to the foot of the mountain
  

• Consider the possibility of bringing the concrete case from the foot of the mountain to where you are
  

• Actually bring the concrete case from the foot of the mountain to where you are
  

• Consider the possibility of jimmying open the lid of the concrete case
  

• Do open the concrete case
  

• Consider the possibility of taking out the steel case
  

• Take out the steel case
  

• Consider the possibility of taking the padlock off the steel case
  

• Take the padlock off the steel case
  

• Consider the possibility of taking the lid off the steel case
  

• Take the lid off the steel case
  

• Consider the possibility of taking the wooden box out of the steel case
  

• Take the wooden box out of the steel case
  

• Consider the possibility of taking the nails out of the wooden box’s lid
  

• Take the nails out of the wooden box’s lid.
  

• Consider the possibility of opening the wooden box.
  

Once you are at a 0 for the prospect of opening the wooden box and looking at the issue itself, then you can do that. Take it out, and see how you feel. You should find that any upset or trauma is minimal. All the time you have been tapping on the issue of caves and boxes, you have really been healing the trauma of the incident, using the power of metaphor.

Maybe the issue is now only at a Level-2 or Level-3 of upset now. And so, tap using the statement of the actual issue, and erase it totally.

The whole baby-steps thing might seem a bit of a procedure, but compare how long traditional therapy would take to do the same job. With EFT it should take no more than a couple of hours. And that time can, of course, be broken up into different sessions; it doesn’t have to be all done at the same time.

This is a very empowering exercise. What you do is to take a sheet and write out every upsetting incident in your life to date, and allocate a score to each one. Then, over a few months, use EFT to erase one or two a day. This means that over time you will be carrying no trauma at all from your past.

Once you identify your limiting belief, use that as your tapping statement. So, e.g., ‘I'll never amount to anything’.

Or, if you don’t know what the belief is, just tap for the issue that’s blocking you, e.g., ‘I can’t make myself phone the prospective clients’. By doing that, the belief underneath that blockage will come to your awareness very quickly, such as the fact you’ll never amount to anything so there’s no point even trying.

Just keep tapping, observing what happens for you. There will be probably a fairly quickly moving variety of experiences.

When you start the tapping then it'll feel very true and very right to say the statement: ‘I’ll never amount to anything’.  It sits right. It belongs. You might find yourself nodding your head in agreement, even.

But emotions might come up even so. You might, for example, feel very sad. It is sad, after all, to 'know' that you'll never amount to anything. So you can change your tapping statement to, ‘I'll never amount to anything and I feel very sad about that’. But you don't even need to do that, you can keep to the original statement and just feel the sadness. It's important though that you allow the sadness to
be
. Don't, if at all possible, run from it or hide from it. It will hurt, yes, but it will be bearable. You may cry. That's okay. Just allow it to
be
, and feel it. Your narcissistic mother no doubt never allowed you to feel your authentic emotions and it's part of your healing journey that you reverse that, and that you
do
feel your authentic emotions.

And, while you're feeling your emotions, keep tapping. Above all, keep tapping, that's essential. It's the tapping that will process and release the sadness (or other emotions that may come up) rather than having them just brought up and hanging around, upsetting you.

And then, after a while the statement, ‘I'll never amount to anything’ might feel a bit less true. A bit strange even. It's as if, when you started tapping that statement felt very hard, and solid, and concrete. And now it feels a bit softer, a bit less definite.

A new, different truth might zip into your awareness, and out again, too fast for you to identify it, like something spotted out of the corner of your eye.

Just keep tapping, it'll come back and stay longer each time, and eventually you'll be able to focus on it, and realise that it's a new, more empowering, truth. Such as, ‘I might amount to something. The game isn't over yet. I've already amounted to lots of things’, etc etc.
 

One very powerful affirmation is this:

I am not who she said I was.

That’s it. Just seven words. But they encompass so much about our situation. We have this whole self-image that she created. The horrible-you mirror and so on. And it’s not true. So by tapping while you say this statement, you are handing back to her all her false statements about you, and leaving space to find out who you really are.

So, tap on the EFT points while saying this statement, once per point, as often as you can. Try to weave it into your day so that it becomes habit – while you’re on the toilet, maybe. Just after brushing your teeth. When you come in the door. The more you do it, the more you free yourself from the toxic web she wove for you, of her beliefs about you.

You can vary it, if you like, to say, ‘I am not who you said I was’, and imagine yourself saying it to her directly.

This affirmation, combined with the tapping, is extremely powerful, no matter that it looks so simple.

We spoke earlier of how DONMs can be at risk for addictions. EFT is very good for erasing these addictions. I used it myself to
finally
give up cigarettes after nearly 20 years’ on-and-off addiction. Using EFT for clearing addictions can require dedication though, and commitment. You can approach the addiction from three different angles:

Every time you get a craving for your addictive substance, tap on that issue, e.g. ‘This need for a cigarette’. This should help the immediate craving pass, but will not solve the addiction itself. One challenge is to actually do this. I remember when I was still addicted to cigarettes, knowing I could tap away the craving, thinking, ‘I don’t want to
not want
the cigarette; I want to
have
the cigarette’. But if you can bring yourself to tap for the craving, it works well.
 

Think how you feel about the prospect of never having your addictive substance again. Then, tap on what arises. The panic, the fear, the devastation. You’ll probably have to keep doing this over a period of time. That’s okay. The addiction is strong and it will not be defeated in one go.
 

Think of the benefits the addiction brings you. And don’t say that it doesn’t bring you any benefits. It does, or you would not do it. If necessary do freewriting to see what you get out of this addiction. The way to do that is to have a dialogue between you and your addiction. Start off by writing, ‘Hello Cigarette, I just want to say to you that …’ and then freewrite what comes next. And by all means write a letter from your addictive substance to yourself. You will be amazed at the awareness and realisation that comes to you from doing this exercise. And then tap, in turn, for each of those benefits. So, for example, when I smoked I was aware that cigarettes were a friend, that I was never alone once I had a cigarette, that they helped me cope with crises, that they punctuated the day, that they gave me the excuse to take a break. And then tap for each of those ‘benefits’ until your cognition changes and you realise it’s not a benefit at all, and/or you can get the same benefit (e.g. a break) without a cigarette.
 

Here’s how it works with these EFT Scripts. They are designed for you to be able to tap away the specific issues, without having to think of what to say. All you have to do is to tap where instructed, and follow the script, preferably aloud. If you spend 10-15 minutes a day, you should find that each issue disappears gradually over 4 or 5 days. You can of course do the tapping in one block, until the issue is gone, but I know from my experience that it’s easy to sabotage ourselves when we try to take on too much. Far better to have consistent small amounts.

You might note a difference between these scripts and the EFT instructions. The EFT instructions say to tap the same phrase on each point, but these scripts have different phrasing. That’s because the EFT instructions are EFT 101, so to speak. The simplest version. So there is no contradiction.

The scripts that are included are:

1. Tap Away your Self-Care Deficit
   
2. Tap Away the Hope She’ll Change
   
3. Tap Away your Grief And Bereavement
   
4. Tap Away the Hurt she Dropped you So Easily
   
5. Tap Away the Fear of Her
   
6. Tap Away your Guilt at Going LC or NC
   
7. Tap Away the Fear of Being Wrong
   
8. Tap Away the Blocks to Healing
   

Karate Chop:
Even though I really struggle with self-care … I love and accept myself anyway.

Even though it’s such a chore to look after myself and at some level I don’t think I’m worth it …

I love and accept myself anyway.

Even though I struggle so much with self-care … I love and accept myself anyway.

Inner Eye:
I really struggle with self-care.

Outer Eye:
I keep sabotaging my attempts to look after myself properly.

Under Eye:
I’m just not worth being looked after.

Nose:
That’s what my mother taught me … and I learned that lesson well.

Chin:
             
I internalised that lesson very well.

Collarbone:
Yes, rationally I know I am worth looking after … but deep down it does not feel like that.

Underarm:
I struggle so much with self-care.

Thumb:
I really struggle to look after myself.

Index Finger:
I always put myself and my needs last.

Middle Finger:
It’s such an effort to do the things that are good for me.

Ring Finger:
I struggle so much with self-care.

Little Finger:
I’m always sabotaging my own self-care.

Karate Chop
: Even though it’s so difficult to nurture myself … and look after my self-care needs, I’d like to let it be easier.

Even though I find it so difficult to nurture myself … and to look after my needs, and my self-care, I would like to know that it’s okay to do that.

Even though part of me feels I don’t deserve to be nurtured, I’d like to let that belief go.

Inner Eye:
It’s so difficult to nurture and care for myself.

Outer Eye:
It takes so much effort.

Under Eye:
I can do it as an effort of will … but it exhausts me so much … that eventually I have to stop.

Nose:
It exhausts me so much to nurture myself … and meet my self-care needs … that eventually I stop.

Chin:
It’s so difficult to nurture myself … I don’t deserve to be nurtured. … Rationally I know that’s not so … but that’s what it feels like.

Collarbone
: My mother taught me that I do not deserve to be nurtured … and I learned that lesson well … and I learned that lesson deeply … and I am still playing that role since then.

Underarm
: The truth is that when she didn’t nurture me, or meet my needs, it was because of a failing in her.  I was only a little girl. I didn’t know that. I thought it was my fault. I came to the conclusion that I don’t deserve nurturing, and I have believed that ever since.