You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (8 page)

Most, if not all, daughters of narcissistic mothers have very low self-esteem. Again, it’s not surprising. When you’re taught from birth that you don’t matter in any way, that your wants and even needs are irrelevant, then of course you’ll struggle to value yourself.

Add to that other ways in which you were not valued. If your mother didn’t look after your physical well-being or hygiene, what does that tell you about your value? If she never listened to you, what do you learn from that?

If she engulfed you, at some level you learned you didn’t even exist as a real separate person.

In a million ways, a million times, you were told and taught and shown that you did not matter and had no value. And you believed it. And you brought that feeling into your adult life.

If you grew up with your narcissistic mother telling you who you were, creating you in
her
image, it can be very hard to know who you really are. You might struggle knowing even basic things about yourself such as your tastes in food, clothing, colours.

Shelly came up with this idea: ‘
One thing that I've had some fun with is an "All About Me!" book. It's just what it sounds like and it feels kind of silly to have, but I've found that it actually has been helping me get to know myself. I write down foods I love or "rules" like: It's always okay to buy extra hand soap. (For some reason, I struggle with buying hand soap of all things--it feels like a "luxury" item to have separate soap at the bathroom sink... weird, I know.) I add notes as I learn things about myself like that I need to drink extra water when I'm out in the car all day or I'll get a massive headache the next day. Just really basic observations, I suppose, but they're things I didn't really notice about myself. And noticing seems to be helping and leading me to notice other things.’

Not all DONMs have this issue. I confess that I was always blessed with an abundance of confidence myself; I have no idea why. But many DONMs struggle with this. They struggle in social situations, in work and so on. I think it has to do with always being judged, and being scared of being judged.

This is allied to the lack of confidence, and is a huge issue for DONMs. And again it makes sense – if we tried to be assertive with our mothers we were subjected to lies, gaslighting, verbal (and even physical) abuse and shaming. And this translates into our adult lives too. We also have a massive fear of confrontation for the same reasons. And this leads us to put up with treatment that we should not put up with.

One way this can manifest is in difficulty in saying no to requests. Most likely, you were never allowed to say no as a child. And so it can be very difficult to do so as an adult. Again, this takes practice. As an interim step, maybe practise saying, ‘Let me have a think about that and get back to you.’ No-one genuine will have a problem with that, and it’ll give you time to consider your options. And then if you don’t want to do that, you can say simply, ‘I’ve thought about your request and I’m not in a position to do that. Sorry.’ Reasonable people will accept that.

You don’t have to give a reason why not, and sometimes it’s good not to give a reason. Not to be rude, but simply as practice in not feeling you have to justify yourself. You don’t need others to agree or understand why you choose not to do it. Of course, in real life, with reasonable people, it’s courtesy to do so. But do be aware that there is no obligation to do that.

And on a related note, it’s also possible to change your mind. To say, ‘Remember I said I’d do that? Well I’m so sorry, but I’ve realised I can’t after all. Sorry.’

It’s better to say no before committing to something, as you don’t want to let people down. But if you felt manipulated or pressured, or you simply realised it’s too much for you to do, you can always change your mind.

Many DONMs end up with narcissistic partners, and friends. Again, this makes sense when you think about it. It’s what we know. It’s what we expect from relationships. And the narcissists are drawn to us because they know we’ll put up with them.

Another reason why we end up with narcissists (and sometimes other abusers) is because, as already said, our narcissistic mothers tend to be very unhappy if we’re involved with good people. They don’t want us to be supported, encouraged, minded, cared for and so on. They want us isolated, weak and powerless. So there are many, many situations in which the narcissistic mothers managed to break up perfectly healthy relationships. But they encourage the toxic ones.

The good news is that once you’re aware of this, you can do something about it. The bad news is, it can involve a
lot
of change. More on this later.

Not surprisingly, DONMs can have difficulty trusting others, especially other women. And often that lack of trust is justified as the tendency, mentioned above, can be to get into relationships with friends and others who are narcissistic or equally toxic.

We learned very early that it was not permitted to express emotions. Our ‘bad’ emotions such as anger or hurt – especially if she was the one causing the anger or hurt –  were not allowed. Even if the problem lay elsewhere – a skinned knee, a disappearing boyfriend – she most likely didn’t want us annoying her with that. The only way it would be permitted would be if she was feeding off the drama of it, and in that case we didn’t feel comfortable expressing those emotions as we knew somehow the response was wrong.

In many cases, too, the narcissistic mothers did not permit us to express happy emotions. Maybe she was threatened by happiness, maybe she resented us getting good feelings from elsewhere through them, who knows … But many DONMs report that if they were expressing joy or happiness their narcissistic mother would make it her business to wipe that smile off their face one way or another.

Many DONMs suffer with addictions. And again, this is a logical and appropriate response to the twisted and unbearable conditions in which we find ourselves, and especially to suppressing all our emotions.

And so, DONMs turn to addictions to help with those repressed feelings. And you know, addictions get a bad press, but they do serve a very good and useful purpose. They make the unbearable bearable. They’re a sensible solution to a dreadful situation. Every problem was once a solution, and this totally applies to addictions.

The problem with addictions is that they extract such a high price. And so they are not a long-term solution. We need to find better ways to deal with all those emotions, and luckily there is a solution which I share later.

DONMs not surprisingly can be prone to both proactive self-harm, and self-neglect.

The self-harm is a way of feeling real, of helping the constant pain of being a DONM. It’s a way of releasing the pressure of the pain.

As for self-neglect, many of us, especially those with Ignoring Mothers, never learned to look after ourselves. We did learn, however, that we were not worth looking after. And so it can be hard to look after ourselves in adult life. I know that I struggled with this. I did do the necessary, of course, but it took so much energy. I had to fight sabotage nearly every time. It was exhausting. (I sorted it with EFT, and I include the script I used at the end of this book.)

By this I mean that we don’t always know what we feel about a situation. Or even, what we think about it, sometimes. We are so used, so trained, to dismiss our own perceptions that we have to make a special effort to tune into what’s going on for us. We have to do consciously what others do without thinking, and like any new skill it takes concentration and energy. This, truly, can be exhausting. I find that even now I have delayed reaction to things. When the situation is happening I don’t perceive that something is wrong, but afterwards I replay it and I think, ‘Hang on, that was really inappropriate of him/her to say’. At least I do realise it after the event, rather than never realising at all. However, I do wish I could notice it in the moment.

As Jennifer said: ‘I realized that my entire life, the way my NM treated me caused a disconnection inside between my feelings and my brain. No wonder I could never recognize when someone was being inappropriate with me, I couldn't figure out my feelings. Now that I'm doing the healing work, I'm learning to reattach my brain to my emotions. Sort of reconnecting the mind-body cord that was severed during my childhood. It is totally like using an unused muscle, and the more we use it, the stronger it gets.’

Your narcissistic mother no doubt made everything about meeting her needs, as discussed above, and taught you that it was inappropriate for you to look for your needs to be met, or your desires to be honoured. 

Here’s the thing that we need to remember: being selfish is wanting it to be
inappropriately
about you. But sometimes it really is about you. And that’s okay. That’s as it should be. That is so important that I’ll say it again:

Sometimes it really is about you. And that’s okay. That’s as it should be.

Your wedding is about you and your spouse-to-be. Not about her. Your university graduation is about you. Your pregnancy is about you. Your new baby is about you and your baby’s needs and wishes.

It is not selfish to insist that those things be about you, despite what she tells you.

Many DONMs either over-achieve, never being able to rest at all, or under-achieve, never reaching their potential.

The over-achievers do so in the never-ending quest to feel good enough, to prove themselves, to finally gain approval. At least they have professional success, but there can be a high personal cost in the feeling of never being good enough and never being able to rest.

Under-achievers can ricochet from financial crisis to financial disaster. Self-sabotage is an element of this. This is related to an inherent feeling of not deserving enough. This makes sense because as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you were taught that you did not deserve love, or empathy, or validation, or consistency, or even kindness half the time. Material things may have been given to us begrudgingly if at all. So it’s understandable that we grow up struggling to believe we deserve good things in life.

Even if you’re in touch with your family, there is an existential loneliness in being in contact with them. The real you can never connect with them, because they don’t want to know the real you, and it’s not safe to be vulnerable with them.

Also we can struggle with connecting with others outside the family, for a myriad of reasons. Self-confidence is one, social anxiety is another, lack of good social skills could be yet another.

And there’s a kind of existential loneliness, too, if that doesn’t sound too flowery. We can struggle with feeling we belong anywhere. After all, if we didn’t belong in our own family, where
can
we belong?

Many DONMs suffer from social anxiety. We have no sense of our place in the world, in our society, our culture. We’re not sure how to behave in company. Are we too loud? Too quiet? Too chatty? Not chatty enough? We’re always second-guessing ourselves. Add to the fact that, deep down, we all carry a deep shame about who we are, about being born broken as it feels we are, and we might feel that people won’t like us. Unfortunately, a lot of the time this can be a self-fulfilling prophesy because people genuinely don’t respond well to us. Not because we’re not nice, which is what we might think. But because they pick up subliminally on our awkwardness, or discomfort, and react unconsciously to that.

Again not surprisingly, DONMs can have major difficulties accepting compliments. It feels so strange, so
wrong.
The trick is to practise. Just say: ‘Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.’ That’s all. You don’t have to comment on the accuracy of the commenter’s opinion. But it is courtesy to them to accept their statement and not throw it back in their face.

According to an admittedly unscientific survey on my forum, 90 per cent of DONMs suffer from chronic depression. This is not surprising. We are not allowed to express our feelings, especially our anger, and so they turn inwards, and that can lead to depression.

Many DONMs struggle with suicidal tendencies and/or thoughts, and it would not surprise me if a high percentage of them actually do commit suicide. I know from discussions on the forum that many of us (including me) have a history of suicide attempt(s); we are just the ones who survived them. Again, suicidal feelings make total sense. It is a logical result of feeling so shamed and awful and twisted and broken. Plus it’s a logical result of being depressed.

Okay, after reading this far you might be reeling with different emotions. Relief is probably a huge one. The knowledge about Narcissistic Personality Disorder explains so very much. It explains
everything.
You’re
not
crazy! You were
right
to think things were odd. Your perceptions are right. You are not the flawed person she told you that you were.

And the fact of you being the daughter of a narcissistic mother explains so much about yourself and your negative patterns and your self-sabotage.

There is an elation, a near ecstasy about discovering this. A kind of giddiness. It’s like the weight of the world is off your shoulders; there’s a freedom from a burden you’ve been carrying all your life without even knowing it.

Enjoy this feeling. You deserve it. It has been a long, hard, sad, lonely road to this point.

Now you know the truth, and the truth will, indeed, set you free.

But, as Gloria Steinem says, ‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’.

Because there are a lot – a lot – of other emotions to get through once elation has had its play. You are doing no less than entering an absolute roller-coaster of emotions. This list is not exhaustive; nor will the emotions necessarily come in any specific order.

You might experience a huge sense of desolation. Once you realise that your mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and what that entails, then you have to accept, once and for all, that she never loved you. And of course that is a very, very hard thing to accept. We’re programmed to want and need our mother’s love. Indeed, your whole life up till now might well have been structured around trying to get her love. So the enormity of trying to accept that she never loved you may well leave you struggling and desolate. There’s help for this too, in the section on How To Heal.

Another emotion you might well experience would be grief. This grief could be as strong as if she had died. And in a very real, albeit metaphorical way, she
has
died. Or at least, your image of her, your sense of her, your perception of who she was, has surely died. No wonder you are feeling bereaved.

This
is
a bereavement, make no mistake about that. You have just lost your mother. Well, it’s more true to say that you never had her, but it is now that you are accepting that and acknowledging it. So it is now that the bereavement hits. And it’s as hard and as devastating as the death of a loving mother would be to another woman. Do not dismiss or underestimate this, truly. You will probably need a period of mourning just as with a death.

But yet, it’s worse than that. It’s the worst kind of bereavement because it has to be a private one. You must mourn in secret. If a normal woman loses a mother to death, all her family and community rally around and support her. Her job gives her compassionate leave, and understanding if she’s a bit slow and weepy for a bit after she comes back. Her friends understand what she’s going through and support her.

With your situation, none of that applies. You cannot tell most people that you have just lost your mother. They would not understand and support you. Worse, they will most likely disapprove heartily and let you know it.

There is an EFT script to help you over the bereavement later on.

And then, the next stage on the roller-coaster: guilt might rear its head. How could you possibly think so badly of your mother? Your own mother! You are such a horrible and ungrateful daughter.

As part of guilt your thoughts might start playing tricks on you, and no matter how much the awareness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder resonated with you when you heard it first, you might well start second-guessing yourself now. You remind yourself of all the good things she ever did, all the nice things. And you might find yourself minimising the bad things she did to you. It wasn't that bad, you'll think.

This is a good time to introduce the subject of Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm Syndrome is, in essence, the trait of abused people to bond closely with their abusers. Another way of describing it is ‘trauma bonding’.

It was first identified in 1973 in Stockholm (hence the name) when victims of a bank hostage situation bonded with their hostage-taker to the extent of physically clinging to them to protect them from arrest, and refusing to testify against them in court.

Since then, it has been seen again and again, such as in the cases of Elisabeth Smart, Natascha Kampusch and Jaycee Lee Duggard who all had the opportunity to escape, but didn't take it.

And interestingly, it seems that victims of chronic low-grade abuse can also experience this.

Stockholm Syndrome is a survival trait, and it actually makes sense. If our life is in danger, and the abuser is the one who holds the key, there is a great incentive to form a bond with them.

Now, four distinct situations have to be present in order for Stockholm Syndrome to apply. They are:

• The victim must feel that there is very real danger to their very survival.
   
  

• The victim must be cut off from all other perspectives other than those of the abuser - i.e. that the abuser is the only source of information the person receives.
  

• The victim must have a real, or perceived, inability to escape from the situation.
   
  

• The abuser must give occasional kindnesses to the victim.
  

Now, how do these four elements apply to daughters of narcissistic mothers?

The first definitely applies. As infants and young children our lives truly are in our mother's hands. And if our mother made us feel unsafe, then from our earliest moments our lives felt threatened. Certainly we would not be able to articulate this as such, but we are talking very deep and very primal emotions.

As for the second trait - this is where gaslighting comes in. Our mothers cannot literally and physically isolate us from other perspectives (although many try; many DONMs have had physically isolated upbringings). But they can, and do, psychologically gaslight us, isolating us even from ourselves in a way, and making sure that their perspective is the only one that we believe.

The third trait is of course self-evident. A child does have a very real inabililty to escape from her family. But even more, the abuse can be very subtle (and they tell us it's our fault, etc), so that we don't even realise there's anything to escape from! We are both physically trapped (as children) and emotionally trapped (as children and adults).

And then the fourth trait. The occasional kindnesses. Dutton and Painter, in their 1981 paper on Trauma Bonding,
Emotional Attachments in Abusive Relationships: A Test of Traumatic Bonding Theory
,
found that the abuse has to include intermittent kindnesses for this to occur. And there does seem to be a pattern that abusers somehow know this, and do give crumbs of positive reinforcement, or kindnesses. (Consider this: Even Josef Fritzl used to get Christmas trees and other seasonal treats for his cellar children.)

And so, yes, you most likely will feel guilt, huge guilt, at betraying your mother like this, at even
thinking
this badly about her. But remember this: the guilt is
real
, but it is not
true
.

Do you see the distinction?

When you feel the guilt, it is very real. Don’t try to deny it or dismiss it or otherwise invalidate or gaslight yourself. It’s there. But it is not justified. Guilt is for when we do something wrong. And acknowledging real genuine truth is never wrong.

For now, try not to be fooled by occasional niceness. Healthy relationships are nice the majority of the time. Indeed, I'll go further, and say that while people who are functional and healthy can sometimes be angry, or grumpy, or selfish, or thoughtless etc (same as we all can), they'll never be sneering or nasty or dismissive or cruel.

But even if they are, it should be the absolute exception. Not the normal state of affairs. And there should be a genuine apology and a genuine attempt to stop the dysfunctional behaviour.

So to the next emotion in this roller-coaster.

It might be sadness. Deep, all-pervading sadness. Total grief for that little girl and young woman that you were, who believed all the lies and who wasted so many years trying to please her mother, trying to make herself be good enough to be loved.

And no doubt anger, and even rage, will no doubt rear up too. Fury maybe. How dare she treat you like that? How dare she abuse you? (For that's what it was, make no mistake.)

Anger might feel very uncomfortable. Again, that’s not surprising. You probably were not allowed to express, or to even feel, anger, before now. So this anger might feel threatening and, as I say, uncomfortable.