You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (15 page)

I have good news for you:

If you are genuinely fretting and worrying that you might be narcissistic, you're not. It's a bit of a paradox in a way, but it does make sense.

Think of it this way - a narcissist
never
thinks badly of herself, or questions herself. She would never even consider that she could be less than perfect. So she would never think that she could be narcissistic, and by corollary, if you worry that you are, you're not.

It's okay to think of yourself and be concerned with your own doings and concerns. That is
not
narcissistic. It's not surprising we think so, though. In a complete irony, our narcissistic mothers teach us, by word and deed, that it's wrong of
us
to be concerned about our own concerns. Of course she did. The only ones whose concerns matter is - drum roll please -
hers
!

Of course that’s not true. The truth is that our concerns
are
valid, and it's
not
narcissistic to be involved with those.

We touched on this before, but it’s appropriate to repeat:
Sometimes it really is about me
. And in that case it’s appropriate for the attention to be on me. My wedding. My marriage break-up. My illness. My miscarriage. My publishing deal. My birthday party.

And equally, sometimes it really is about the other person, and in that case it is
not
about me, except to the extent that I can be a support and cheerleader for the person who it is about. Their wedding. Their marriage break-up. Their  illness. Their miscarriage.

And you know, normal people find it easy to divide the
appropriate-that-it's-about-me
occasions from the
appropriate-that-it's-about-them
occasions.

For narcissists it's a non-issue. For them, as you know,
all
occasions
are
about them, no exceptions.

For us DONMs, we can tend to go to the other extreme, partly because that's what our narcissistic mother taught us, and partly out of a fear of being like her.

So I am telling you now that it's fine, and not in the slightest narcissistic, to claim the occasions that are appropriately about you. At the beginning you might have to consciously ask yourself which occasions fall into that category, rather than automatically knowing. But it'll come with practice. And it might feel strange at the start - but just accept the strange feeling and go with it anyway, I suggest. As you do it, it'll feel less strange until you're doing it like a pro.

One issue you might have, however, is narcissistic tendencies or behaviours without being narcissistic at all. We call these
fleas
, because you catch them, i.e. learn them, from your narcissistic mother. We all learn so much from our parents about how to behave with others. And if what is modelled for us is narcissistic behaviour, then that's all we know what to do.

So, for example, we might be over-sensitive when it comes to constructive criticism. This is because we never got constructive criticism from our narcissistic mother. We got shaming, soul-destroying, criticism designed to put is back in our box.

And so, maybe now whenever you get constructive well-meant criticism, you do over-react. It feels like an attack, even though it's not. But you never knew any differently.

There is an irony, isn't there, in our mothers gaslighting us by telling us we're over-sensitive, and then creating a situation in which we
are
over-sensitive.

Another example of fleas might be chronic lying. It’s very possible that it wasn’t safe to tell the truth to your narcissistic mother. And so lying became a way of staying safe. And in later years you’re still doing it, automatically, because telling the truth feels dangerous. (See the section on beliefs for more on this)

Let me give you another example of fleas from my own life.

Whenever my mother would get annoyed, she would go into this elaborate pantomime of upset. There'd be lots of sulks and sniffs and snapped comments.

And so you'd ask how she was and she'd snap, ‘Fine!’ in that tone of voice which clearly meant, ‘Anything but fine’.

So you'd say, ‘What's wrong?’ (because you knew better than to accept her answer on face value), and get a snapped, ‘Nothing!’ in that tone which clearly meant, ‘Lots!’

So then you'd have to run around her (lots of narcissistic supply there, of course) absolutely
cajoling
her and begging her to tell you what was wrong. Which of course, turned out to be something
you
had done wrong. So it was like asking a condemned prisoner to weave his own rope.

Ugh.

But here's the thing - when I got married, guess what I used to do if I was upset with my husband about any behaviour?

Yep, exactly that.

I wasn't doing it in a manipulative way ... it was just that that was all I knew. I had never learned any other way of relating or raising issues. It never even occurred to me that it was possible to say calmly, ‘Hey, when you did X it upset me for Y reason, can we discuss that?’

Except, not being narcissistic, after a few years it occurred to me that this was not the way to do things. So I changed how I dealt with things that upset me.

That's the difference between a flea and full-blown narcissistic behaviour. With a flea you can a) recognise that it's inappropriate, and b) choose therefore to change the behaviour, and c) actually change it. Changing it might be difficult as it's an ingrained habit, but if it's a flea you keep going until you manage.

A narcissist wouldn't even get as far as step A, after all!

It's very possible that you have fleas too. I think it's impossible to live with a narcissist and not pick some up. So the next step, if you think you might, is to examine your own reactions and responses, and see if they are appropriate and high-functioning behaviours. And perhaps ask those close to you to comment (in a loving and gentle way) on things you do that they find challenging.

And once you've identified these behaviours, simply change them. And being a non-N, you'll be able to do that. Some of them won’t be easy to change, as they’re ingrained. But they’re all possible to change, especially with the help of EFT.

We spoke earlier about the various ways in which being raised by a narcissist impacts on us. The reason it continues to impact us even into adulthood is because our beliefs have been programmed, and we act automatically based on our beliefs. And just like a computer program, until they are changed, our beliefs will stay the same and so the behaviour will stay the same. And of course, then, the outcome will stay the same.

But the good news is that, again like a computer program, your beliefs can be changed.

Here’s how it works:

When babies are born, the neurons in their brains are unconnected. A huge amount of the work they do in infancy is to forge connections between these neurons.

They do this by gathering evidence about how the world works, and coming to conclusions about it, and establishing the connections based on that.

This system works very well. For example, the child gets to establish a connection between the experience of an actual dog, and the word 'dog' - and that's how they learn language.

You can sometimes see this system in action when a child comes to the wrong conclusion, and a lot of fun we get out of young children is based on these mistakes. For instance, when my son was about six he told me very seriously that French people spell differently than we do, because they spell the word ‘the’ as ‘ze’. And he once drew a picture of a pirate ship, and pointed out to me, ‘There’s the Captain, and there,’ he said, pointing to the crew, ‘are the hearties’, – because he heard stereotypical pirate captains say, ‘Ahoy, me hearties!’ and came to the logical, but incorrect, conclusion that the crew were called hearties!

If a child is loved well, and her needs are met, she gathers that evidence and comes to the logical conclusion that she is a valuable, lovable, worthwhile person.

If, however, she is not loved enough, if she's neglected and shamed, she's going to draw a conclusion about that too. And she is, for good reason, going to draw the conclusion that she's not loved enough because she's not loveable. She is neglected because she's not worth looking after. She is shamed because she's shameful.

The reason she comes to this conclusion rather than, say, to pick a wild example, the conclusion that her mother is damaged or flawed, is simple. Children absolutely need their parents to be good. This is a deep psychological need, and it makes sense. Parents are children's means of survival, and so they need to think of them as competent and good and strong. So all evidence to the contrary must be interpreted in some way that does not compromise that belief.

And so, all that is left is to blame herself, the child, for why she isn't loved, or cared for etc.

And that is the belief that gets programmed into her brain.

It makes sense, doesn't it?

And of course, that is exactly what happened to us, as daughters of narcissistic mothers. We came to beliefs about the world, and about ourselves, based on the evidence. We came to reasonable, logical, sensible conclusions about that. But, they were conclusions that were ultimately wrong.

The real reason you weren't loved is not because you weren't loveable, but because your mother is a narcissist and so is incapable of love.

Now, you may believe this rationally, just not in your gut. You may know it in your head but not feel it. Or, you may not even know it in your head. It's okay either way. Because the good news is that these beliefs can be changed. They really can. You can come to know, with every fibre of your being, that you are loveable, and not being loved was your mother's lack, not yours.

And so – and this is
very
important - t
he fact that beliefs can be wrong means that your brain often lies to you. We are used to trusting our thoughts, but truly we cannot always. The brain can be fooled. This is the very reason that our narcissistic mothers manage to confuse us at all – if our brains always accurately knew reality, then she would never be able to convince us that her version was the right version.

So, our beliefs, and hence our thoughts are often inaccurate. This might seem scary, and it is a bit, in truth. Where, then, is our security? The trick is to check our thoughts against the truth. And to remember something which at first thought seems really bad but which is good news really, and is very empowering:

Just because you think a thought, doesn’t automatically
mean it’s true.

Now, it feels true. Of course it does. But it is not necessarily true. And since our feelings are guided by our beliefs, there’s a belief underlying each feeling.

So if you feel guilty at not being in touch with your mother, the belief behind that is:
A daughter should be in touch with her mother, and I am wrong for not doing so
. And that belief is not true. A daughter does not have to be in touch with a toxic, abusive mother.

And if you feel you should send her a birthday card, the belief behind that is:
A daughter should send her mother a birthday card
. But is that belief true?

These beliefs lead into negative self-talk.
One of the many legacies that our narcissistic mothers give us is that of negative self-talk. It's as if her voice - her shrill, insulting, demeaning voice - got lodged in our head, and remains there. And that voice provides a running commentary to everything we do, and it's not exactly a nice supportive commentary, is it?

‘Oh you really think you can do that? Ha!’

‘You'll never amount to anything.’

‘See, you made another mistake! I don't know why you even bother.’

‘You're useless.’

‘You're ugly. No one will ever desire you.’

And on and on and on. There are a million lyrics to this particular song, aren't there? And they're all painful.

In a further irony, you may not even be aware of this negative self-talk. Not really. It's so much a part of you, and comes so quickly and sneakily, that you are probably not conscious of it.

You just find that you are behaving in ways that respond to that voice. You don't apply for that job, you don't respond when someone tries to flirt with you, you don't bother going to that party. In a thousand ways you listen to that voice and act on its message.

Thing is, that voice tells lies. Our narcissistic mother told us a million small lies along with The Big Lie.  Smaller, maybe, but no less damaging for you.

These are the lies she tells you about who you are. The details of the lies will vary, but they are all designed to keep you trapped, and weak, and under her control.

So statements like, ‘You'll never amount to anything’, or ‘You have no judgement, you always make stupid decisions’ come into this category.