You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (14 page)

The Engulfing Narcissistic Grandmothers can actually come between you and your children, and this is very serious. There have been cases on our forum where the narcissistic mother literally took over the child, either as a child, or when they were adult, because of the grooming they were able to do during their childhood.  They do this by spoiling the child with sweets and toys etc, undermining the parenting by saying things like, ‘Don’t mind what Mummy said, I’ll let you do it’.  In this way an innocent child might come to prefer Grandma to you, seeing as Grandma is fun and treats and sweets, and you are green vegetables and bedtimes. Some narcissistic mothers even get the grandchild to call
her
Mummy, and you by your first name.
 

It’s very possible that the relationship is subtly abusive anyway. Maybe your narcissistic mother is playing favourites, with a Golden Child and a Scapegoat dynamic going on among your children. Or playing the usual narcissistic tricks on your child, even as she’s spoiling and wooing them.
 

The most important thing your child needs is for you to be happy and whole. Despite what your narcissistic mother told you, your needs
do
matter. Not instead of your child’s needs, of course. However, your child does not
need
the relationship with her grandmother, but she does need a happy and whole
you
. So if No Contact is what you need for your well-being and sanity, then that’s the right thing for the whole family.

So, how do you explain No Contact to a small child? You can just distract them, and if they ask about going to see Nana, just say that you’re not going that day, and over time they will most likely stop asking.

My own personal opinion though is that this is not ideal. I don’t think it’s a good idea for people to just disappear without explanation from a child’s life, because that can be very scary for them. Who’s next, they might wonder?

And so I would suggest explaining gently, ‘We are not going to see Grandma for a while. She is very mean and nasty to Mummy, and won’t say sorry or stop being mean. And we don’t let mean people play with us, so until she is nice, we won’t be seeing her.’

To me this gives the child a good explanation, and also teaches her about boundaries and about not letting people abuse you. Be sure to emphasise though that you have to be
very
mean, over a period of time, and never every say sorry, lest the child worries that she would be cast out for some tiny misdemeanour.

With older children you can go into more detail, telling them about NPD. It’s most likely that older children will have spotted some of her oddnesses already. Be careful not to parentify your child, i.e. putting the burden of your own pain on them. But information is good. And there are narcissists in the world so your children will encounter them, so this information is valuable to them anyway.

Many DONMs resist going NC because they feel responsible for siblings. This can be one of the most heart-breaking aspects of the situation. We can feel like we’re abandoning them. And indeed, in many cases, this might be so, especially if there are younger siblings still living at home. It is one of many no-win situations created by these narcissistic mothers. The thing is, there’s nothing else we can do. We can’t help a drowning person by drowning ourselves. The best we can hope for is that our freedom and our happiness makes them realise it’s possible, and to aspire to that themselves.

I do have to say, though, that it is much more likely that your narcissistic mother will smear you so convincingly to your siblings that they will reject you.

Dysfunctional families hate the truth-tellers, the whistle-blowers. They are all about admiring the Emperor’s new clothes, and they turn on anyone who dares to mention the nakedness.

And the Golden Child will not wish to risk her position, and if you were the Golden Child, a former Scapegoat might well be elevated to the position of Golden Child in your place, and that is very difficult to resist.

So yes, in going NC you risk losing your whole family. This is awful.

This is a question that comes up whenever you consider NC. You will either consider it yourself, but also you may be sure others will say it to you when they hear your situation.

Here’s the thing: she
will
die. It’s not
if
, it’s
when
.

And will you feel guilty then that you didn’t see her for the last however-many years of her life? Will you feel like a bad daughter, a bad person, for rejecting her all those years, and then she died and now it’s too late? Could you live with yourself? Could you bear the guilt?

Only you can answer this of course. And it’s true that if you remain in contact you will not have to deal with this issue. And that would be a very valid reason for you to remain in contact, if that’s what you choose. There would be a high price for that, of course, but you may well consider it worth paying.

Another perspective to consider, however, is that the fact that she will die as all living things do, isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card to allow her to continue abusing you. It doesn’t mean that you need to continue putting up with abuse. You deserve better.

And any guilt you would feel after she had died would be false guilt. As we have touched on before, guilt is for when you do something wrong. Protecting yourself from an abuser is not wrong.

What about a death-bed call? She is dying, and is asking for you. What then?

I have not experienced this myself, as of yet, so I cannot say for sure what I would do. But I know what I believe I will do, and what I am determined to do. And that is to ignore the call. She has had years and years to genuinely sort out this situation with me, and has ignored those opportunities. (And truly, in such a case, where does any guilt rightfully rest? Not with me.)

A death-bed meeting cannot end well. She, being narcissistic, will most likely not take the opportunity to own what she did and genuinely apologise. If she did, I would of course accept the apology and we could part as friends. But it is not going to happen. She has had years to do it, and has not done so.  (She will tell you she has tried to sort things out. She has, over the years, sent birthday cards and Christmas texts. She is, no doubt, saying, and even believing, that she is keeping the door open and I am the one being stubborn and obdurate. But she has never once said, ‘What was wrong, and how can we fix it?’)

So, I can imagine the death-bed scene involving her saying she is sorry we were estranged (fauxpology) and that she wanted us to make up before it was too late. The only way it would be drama-free, as I see it, would be for me to accept that lie and play along. And I will not do that. I would definitely regret that for the rest of my life; it would be a bitter stone in my stomach that I would carry forever. To assist her in invalidating the experience of my whole life would hurt me irrevocably and I would not do it. Now that I know the truth, I will not tell a lie about it.

And so my only other option would be to speak my truth. And she would begin gaslighting and lying and invalidating of course, and most definitely including tearful references to the fact she’s dying. It would be extremely fraught and painful and upsetting, and I do not need that. And even more so, a dying woman does not need that.

And so, I see it as a kindness and a courtesy that I do not go to her deathbed. Because the ‘I’ that would go would not be the ‘I’ she knew, which was the one who colluded in her lies to keep the peace. The “I” that would be there would be the woman I am now, who would speak her truth. And my mother does not want that ‘I’ at her deathbed, even though she doesn’t realise it.

Others will vilify me for it, no doubt. The death-bed reconciliation is such a staple in our culture, to reject it is so taboo, that I will be judged harshly for it. So be it. That is the price I pay for avoiding the two impossible options of having to either collude in my own gaslighting, or distress a dying woman.

I also believe that I will not go to her or my father’s funeral. It would seem hypocritical to go. And if I do go it would put me in one of two impossible situations. I either collude in more lies by accepting mourners’ commiserations and condolences. Or I tell them bluntly the truth and thereby distress them. They don’t need that, nor deserve it. So it is a kindness to them, quite apart from the right thing for me, that I do not go.

These facts bring me no joy. I think it is heart-breaking that I am in a position of not attending my mother’s death-bed or funeral. But that is the situation that she has created. It is none of my doing.

Another side-effect of No Contact

One very frequent side-effect of NC is that after a little while you start to look at your other relationships. This will not be a conscious decision; it’ll happen by itself. And this might not be easy at all because you might well realise that you have other narcissists in your life. Your husband or partner maybe. Friends.

This is very very tough. You can feel very alone and upset. Is
everyone
a narcissist?

No. Only 0.6 per cent - 1 per cent.

But it’s very possible that you have surrounded yourself with a fair proportion of that 1 per cent. It makes sense. It’s what you knew, after all. It’s what felt comfortable in a strange way. And the narcissists probably found it much easier to hook you than they would someone else who had been raised normally.

What you do is, of course, up to you, as ever. But you might find that you want to cut the ties with these other narcissists too. After all, you’re in a different place now. You know that you deserve to be treated well. You know that you deserve to be in healthy relationships.

But still … but still ….

You are reeling from the enormity of cutting off your mother, and possibly your whole family. The thought of losing more people out of your life is just terrifying. You will have no one then.

And of course the thought occurs, is it
you?
If you are having difficulty getting on with your whole circle, well it must be you, right. Maybe some people in your circle are even saying that to you. And of course, as a DONM you’re used to being blamed, and even blaming yourself, when things go wrong, so it’s easy to believe.

But no, it’s not you. It’s just that you surrounded yourself with narcissists, and no one assertive can get on with them.

So you might well find that there is a major house-clearing to be done to get rid of those toxic relationships too. Many DONMs find this.

It’s hugely challenging and terrifying, there is no denying that.

But here are a few things to remember: you don’t have to do it immediately. Take your time. It can wait till you’re stronger. And you won’t be left isolated, because getting rid of the toxic ones will leave room for healthy people to come in. And in a kind of alchemy, when you make that absolute decision that you will not put up with being maltreated, other people seem to sense that somehow, and it repels the toxic ones and attracts the healthier ones.

It takes courage to cut off most or all of the people in your life. Huge courage. But the gifts are enormous. You will no longer have people demeaning you and bringing you down and abusing you. You will have room for healthy people who support you and empower you.

You might be wondering, too, how to avoid narcissists in future, and not let them even invade your life in the first place. The good news is that once you know about narcissism you do tend to get a sense of them. I can spot a narcissist at a hundred paces now! But here are some ways to test if someone is a narcissist:

Ask them for a favour and see how they react. Obviously make it a reasonable favour, a favour appropriate to whatever relationship you have with them. A normal person will do it without thought. A narcissist will either wriggle out of it, or do it begrudgingly, or do it overly-keenly and then make sure to ask you for another favour soon, in order to redress the balance.

Equally, refuse a request they make of you. Do it kindly and politely of course. A normal person will respect your right to say no. A narcissist will not, and will react badly.

Or, calmly, but emphatically, disagree with an opinion they express. And see how they react. A normal person is quite happy to agree to disagree, unless it’s a very emotive topic for them, so maybe choose a more banal topic. Something like the best song or film, rather than say, abortion or religion. A narcissist will not be a bit happy with you disagreeing and will get miffed, or try to argue with you, or otherwise not let it go.

Lastly try, as an experiment, to keep the conversation on you rather than them. A narcissist will never allow that.

You probably won't be long on this journey before the horrific thought hits you - what if
you
are narcissistic?

You think of all the times you've treated your children less than well, or times you talked too much, the way your mother does. And of course, here you are obsessing about yourself by thinking about yourself and your childhood and adult experiences. What is all that if not narcissistic?