The Surrendered Wife (31 page)

Fact: While it's true that repeated rejections can be discouraging, it's not likely to make your husband stop trying. Just as people keep tugging at the lever of a slot machine, so your husband is also optimistic about hitting the jackpot. This is especially true if you have told your husband up front that you might not be available and that it's not about him, because then he won't take your rejection personally. Another reason he won't stop trying is that part of his physical makeup drives him to mate with you. His instincts tell him to plant his seed.

If your husband is not approaching you, a much more significant problem may be rejection outside the bedroom. Keep working
on respecting and deferring to him. And, of course, practice making yourself available.

4. Myth:
“If I don't have sex with him when he wants to, he won't love me.”

Fact: His love for you doesn't depend on sex. You are lovable whether you are performing sexually or not, and to believe otherwise reflects a painful lack of self-worth. Don't discount the unique qualities that made your husband fall in love with you in the first place. Your husband loves you for lots of reasons—the way you mother his children, make a home, laugh at his jokes, know the names of all the constellations, admire his muscles, or wear your hair when you're going to the beach. Remind yourself that you have intrinsic value as a person, not just as a sex partner. Your husband did not marry you just for the sex. For that, he could have made arrangements that required much less effort on his part.

A reasonable man will not insist on having sex when you're unavailable. He may complain loudly, but he won't stop loving you because you're abstaining for a little while. Keep in mind that he wants you to be happy, and if that means entertaining himself for the moment, so be it.

5. Myth:
“If I have sex with him and it's only so-so, he'll complain that it's not as good as it used to be.”

Fact: You might end up having terrific sex when you least expect it. Remember that the point of lovemaking is to connect physically and to distinguish your marriage from every other relationship. Not all sex is fabulous, so don't hold yourself to an impossible standard.

6. Myth:
“If I don't have sex with him, he'll be angry and I will feel guilty.”

Fact: This may be true.

But there's a simple antidote for not keeping your sexual agreement. Apologize. Acknowledge that you have deprived him sexually, and tell him you are doing everything you can to get to the root of the problem and heal it so you'll be available for him.

You can't afford to feel guilty or be harsh with yourself.

It's appropriate that you feel remorse, and that you try to speed the process of renewing intimacy by making an effort to be available to your husband. However, guilt only robs you of the energy you'll need to address the issues that stand between you and a pleasurable sex life.

7. Myth:
“If I start to have sex with him, I'll have to satisfy him to the point of orgasm.”

Fact: Women with sexual abuse in their past especially tend to feel this way, and understandably so. If you've survived a rape, date rape, or molestation, you probably identify with this belief, and you have internalized the idea that “no” is not an option.

Some wives had an overly simplistic, black-and-white view of sex that made us feel we were either going to do it and go all the way, or we weren't going to engage at all. Once we acquiesced to a kiss, or got undressed or passed some other symbolic starting point, there was no turning back.

If your husband is one of the good guys as described in the first chapter, then he is not one of the creeps who forced you. Remind yourself that he never will be. If you ask a good guy (i.e., your husband) to stop in the middle of lovemaking, he may protest, but he won't rape you. I asked the women in the circle to do this as a onetime experiment, and I recommend it for you too, to demonstrate that you are in charge of your body. Once we had the proof, we knew that we could always choose. That made it easier to say yes more often, and have the physical intimacy we craved. The truth is, you always have a choice, and knowing that will make you feel freer to engage in lovemaking.

*   *   *

I have talked to hundreds of women, and among those who have a lack of desire for sex, the majority subscribe to the seven myths. Too many have a history of sexual abuse.

In other words, you are not alone. But you need to take responsibility for your own healing, particularly if you've been blaming your husband for your lack of desire. For instance, some women complain to me that their husbands always want sex from them—as if that's a problem. They're surprised when I say “That's great!” As I see it, his actions prove that he has a healthy male sex drive, he doesn't see her as his mother and he's physically attracted to her, all of which is good news.

It takes tremendous courage to heal from sexual wounding, but if the women in the first Surrendered Circle could find that courage, so can you. You deserve to have the freedom to enjoy your own sexuality with the man who has committed to you for life, so don't let your fear and old wounds stand in your way. You'll never feel more feminine, or him more masculine, than when you're enjoying the zenith of physical intimacy with the love of your life.

How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.

—PUBLILIUS SYRUS

Every time you start thinking up insults for yourself about how difficult you are to live with, how awful you've been to your husband, or what a terrible job you're doing with surrendering, stop and replace the thoughts with a compliment for yourself.

Just as you wouldn't scream at a child who stumbles as he learns to walk, don't be harsh with yourself as you learn to surrender. Instead, acknowledge your progress and offer yourself some encouragement.

W
hen I first started surrendering, I suddenly became aware of all the things I did that I wished I didn't do—but I couldn't change my behavior so immediately. It made me feel so rotten that I was tempted to go out and eat some worms to punish myself. I call this Worm Syndrome. If you can't stop controlling your husband perfectly (and nobody can), every time you slip, you feel shame on top of your sadness.

Here's an analogy: Let's say that you discover that you're dairy intolerant, which is causing you discomfort. Upon hearing this news, you resolve to give up milk, cheese, and ice cream to prevent indigestion, even though these are your favorite things.

The next day you get up and, out of habit, make yourself a bowl of cereal and milk. Then, just as you're about to take the first bite, you remember that you were going to give up drinking milk. With a bite of your favorite, comforting breakfast just inches from your mouth, you decide to postpone your resolution for one more day. But as you crunch the cereal and slurp the sweet milk, something is different. With each bite a twinge of self-recrimination comes over you. “I'm making myself feel sick!” you moan to yourself. You tell yourself you really should stop and stop now, but you can't. At least, not yet.

Now your misery is complete. You are indulging in your old eating habits, but you can't even enjoy them because you feel guilty. You have the new information, but you can't apply it yet. You will have no peace until you either give up dairy products, or decide to find some other solution to your problem.

It's the same with surrendering. Seeing the road ahead paved with intimacy does not necessarily give you the courage to drive
down it autobahn-style right away. Instead, you merely recognize when you're being disrespectful at first, and wince each time you remember you were going to stop doing that.

Nobody surrenders perfectly—or even very well at first. Still, recognizing your behavior and having the information to take a stab at changing it
is
progress. It only feels like torture because every time you're disrespectful, critical, demeaning, or dismissing, a huge billboard lights up in your brain and says, “See!?! You're doing it again!!!” Some of us also inwardly scream insults at ourselves like:

“Why would anyone want to be married to you!”

“You are a terrible wife!”

“You are absolute hell to live with!”

When you hear things like this in your head, remember that you're inner voice is
wrong
.

Your husband wants to be married to you or he would have left long ago. A terrible wife would never embark on the surrendering process at all. And telling yourself that you are hell to live with discounts all your wonderful qualities. Surrendering is just as much about feeling good about the woman and wife you are as it is about reintroducing intimacy to your marriage, so don't let the critical voices in your head tell you you're bad. It's simply not true.

As you practice surrendering, it becomes second nature, like any other habit. Your need to control diminishes. Your urge to criticize fades. Your sense of respect for your husband will become genuine. But still you won't be perfect.

There will be days when you get fed up or disgusted and lose it completely. Surrendering is not so different from other life habits. For instance, you may put your keys on the same hook every day so you don't lose them, but once in a while you forget and misplace them.

Life is not ideal. No good habit is fool-proof. Overall, you are going to be able to find your keys most of the time because they're
on the hook. The same is true of surrendering. You will be better off, happier, more dignified and intimate, even if you don't surrender perfectly.

T
URN
U
P THE
P
OSITIVE
V
OICE IN
Y
OUR
H
EAD

“There's always room for improvement, you know—it's the biggest room in the house.”

—LOUISE HEATH LEBER

N
o matter how poorly you're doing, do not insult yourself. A lot of things get started in your head, and a negative inner dialogue can become a runaway train. When you insult yourself, apologize to yourself immediately. You might say something like: “I didn't mean that. You have lots of good qualities, like a terrific sense of humor (or whatever is true for you). You're making progress with surrendering, so good job! I don't expect you to be perfect.”

Say this out loud, to give it a voice. This will probably feel entirely silly, but then again some people will think this whole concept of surrendering is ridiculous. So as long as you're going to be silly, you might as well be nice to yourself while you're doing it.

G
IVE
C
REDIT
W
HERE
C
REDIT
I
S
D
UE

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”