The Surrendered Wife (20 page)

She makes a decision not to succumb to her fear. Rather than staying in her homeland where she felt safe, she got on a ship bound for Siam. Rather than hiding under the bed once she got there, she showed up to teach the king's children. She acted in faith that she would not just survive, but enjoy these experiences—and so she did.

You, too, can make the decision that something else—an intimate marriage—is more important than your fear that you'll be embarrassed or let down by your husband.

Ambrose Redmoon wrote, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the decision that something else is more important than fear.” When you're surrendering and looking for intimacy, acting in faith is more important than giving in to your fears.

“It's better to ask some of the questions than to have all the answers.”

—JAMES THURBER

Avoid trying to guess what your husband is thinking. Give him space to express himself. Remember that you can't accurately read his mind or draw conclusions before you hear what he has to say.

If you still think you know what your husband will say or do before he does it, write down what you anticipate your husband will say or do if you tell him, for example, you want to go out to the movies. Then, tell him you want to go to the movies and compare what you wrote to what he actually says or does.

O
ne day, my friend, Theresa, said she knew her husband was angry with her because he scowled when she walked into the room.

“Did he say why he was mad at you?” I asked.

“He didn't have to,” she told me. “I know it's because he thinks I'm spending too much on therapy.”

“How do you know?” I probed.

“I just know how he is,” she countered.

I identified with Theresa's perception that she could read her husband's mind. I had often presumed to “know” what my husband was thinking based on his grunting, slamming, disinterest, or other nonverbal signals. When John grimaced at me without saying anything, I assumed he was angry at something I had done or said.

When he failed to change a burnt-out lightbulb for weeks, I assumed he was inconsiderate and oblivious. When he watched television shows I didn't care for, I assumed he had poor taste. I even thought he was doing (or not doing) those things to irritate me.

As a surrendered wife, however, I learned that many of my assumptions and interpretations had been based on my fear. Fear that I was not meeting John's expectations or living up to my responsibilities in some way, and that he was “retaliating” in a non-verbal way.

My psychic abilities were not as accurate as I had thought. When I took the time to listen to my husband's words, rather than presuming I knew how he felt, I was often pleasantly surprised.

Once I looked up from reading a magazine just in time to see him slamming the newspaper down in what seemed like anger.
Somewhat startled by this, I asked him, in an agitated tone, what in the world was the matter! Just then he picked up the dead fly he had just killed.

I
F
I
T'S
N
OT THE
L
OOK OF
L
OVE
, D
ON'T
T
RY TO
F
IGURE
O
UT
W
HAT
I
T
I
S

“Each of us has his own little private conviction of rightness and almost by definition, the Utopian condition of which we all dream is that in which all people finally see the error of their ways and agree with us.”

—S. I. HAYAKAWA

I
nstead of regarding an ambiguous face as a call to battle, I made a decision to do nothing until he spoke to me directly. If my husband had a bone to pick, I reasoned that he would tell me in a straightforward way. Only small children need someone to help figure out whether they're angry, frustrated, hungry, or tired by the look on their face. If John wants me to address something, he tells me plainly. Otherwise, I assume and trust that he's working everything out himself, and I go along my merry way. This works beautifully.

When I made a conscious effort to stop drawing my own conclusions, I learned that the scowl I thought was for me was actually intended for my sister-in-law. The burnt-out lightbulb in the socket reflected that his priorities are different from mine. The tasteless television shows were popular not just with my husband, but with many other men I know and respect who seem to find entertainment in places I never could.

T
HE
I
MPORTANT
R
OLE OF
D
UCT
T
APE IN A
H
APPY
M
ARRIAGE

A
s with other principles of surrender, I wasn't perfect when it came to shutting down my mind-reading habit. Initially, I just rechanneled it. I had a habit of “interpreting” my husband for other people. He would say something, and I would pipe up and tell them what he meant. I actually thought I was being helpful, but in reality I was interrupting him, before he could get a sentence out. When we went for marriage counseling, I even tried to tell the therapist what he was saying! Obviously, I don't recommend this. Now, I just get out the duct tape—double-strength, if necessary.

I also had the habit of reading his mind even if he was speaking it. For instance, when my husband said that he liked his new job, I didn't believe him. I was noticing that he seemed drained and listless every night when he came home. I jumped to the conclusion that he was not being truthful. Later I told John that when a friend had asked me how he liked his new job, I had responded by saying, “He says he likes it.” I might just as well have said, “I doubt and disrespect him, and don't put any stake in what he says.” Why would I want to give anyone that impression? How unattractive, insulting, and inhibiting for intimacy.

Today, I try always to take John for his word, even if what he says isn't entirely convincing. Just as I “fake it till I make it” sometimes, he may be doing the same, and I certainly don't want to contradict him. As it turns out, John
didn't
much like that job and ended up leaving after a short time. Still, I respect that he tried to maintain a positive attitude while going there every day. My harping about how I could see he was miserable was unsupportive and therefore made it harder for him to keep his chin up during that difficult time.

Unless your husband tells you something directly, don't assume it. Even if you're a bona fide clairvoyant, reading your husband's mind does little to enhance your relationship because nobody likes to be second-guessed. A scowl doesn't always have to be about you. As much as we might like to
think
we know what's going on in his heart and mind, we don't. Imagining that we do is a waste of energy that could be better spent on our own self-care.

W
HEN
H
E'S IN A
F
UNK
, L
EAVE
H
IM
A
LONE

“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.”

—MICHAEL PRITCHARD

W
hen you feel the need for reassurance, look to your girlfriends to remind you of the ways he's been thoughtful and sweet recently. Pull out your wedding pictures and think about how good you felt that day. Make your own gratitude list of things he's done that show he loves you, but don't ask him to expound on his affection for you when he's distant or grouchy. Instead, let him be.

I recommend doing whatever you need to do to avoid getting entangled in whatever situation is putting him in a bad mood. Get out of the house, visit a friend, watch television, or read a book. Distract yourself with self-care. His mood will pass eventually. The only constructive thing to do is to wait it out without inviting him to talk about the issue with you, since you're not his mom or his therapist.

Of course if he volunteers to talk about what's going on with him, then you'll want to be a good listener as you reflect your trust
and respect. There's no need to avoid this conversation; just don't try to start it for him.

Remember: Let him work out his own problems and don't put yourself in harm's way by looking for tenderness when his is on hiatus.

S
TAY IN THE
M
OMENT

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

—BUDDHA

I
have noticed that many of us pride ourselves in “knowing” how our husbands will react to a given situation. The logic goes something like this:

• I already know what he's going to say before I talk to him.

• I don't like what he would have said if I had talked to him.

• I am disappointed and angry with my husband because he didn't say the right thing when I didn't talk to him.