The Surrendered Wife (6 page)

One way to bite your tongue when you feel he's being immature or stubborn is to remind yourself that you are taking the high road. Sure, it would be easy to jab him, but instead find the grace to be generous. You can do it. Recall an occasion when your husband was thoughtful, courageous or self-sacrificing. Keep that picture in your mind so you resist the temptation to criticize him.

Since I don't have control over his path—only mine—if I don't take the high road we are both at our worst, and intimacy is nowhere to be found. If I take the high road, I am at my best. My chances for intimacy are at their greatest.

“E
ATING
W
ORDS
H
AS
N
EVER
G
IVEN
M
E
I
NDIGESTION
.”

T
hat's what Winston Churchill said, and I can vouch for it. Just as you may run a red light occasionally, you will also treat your husband less-than-respectfully at times, because no one is perfect. It is important, however, to apologize when you realize you haven't been so courteous. Therefore, a critical aspect of respecting your husband is catching yourself when you slip and letting him know that you regret it.

In the beginning, you'll probably find yourself having to apologize a lot: every time you roll your eyes at his idea, make an unsolicited suggestion about what he's wearing, or tell him what to say on the phone. Apologizing may be frustrating, but it's essential because it signals to your husband that you respect him. Even if
you don't feel sorry, do your best to apologize when you're critical, bossy, nagging, or dismissing. This will feel odd—perhaps even dishonest—at first. Still, I suggest that you take this leap and act as if you do respect your husband. This is a powerful practice, because it takes your focus away from what you don't hold in high regard to the things that you do admire. The next thing you know, you will start to feel genuine respect for him.

When you apologize, be sure to reference the specific situation. For instance, you might say, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I criticized the way you were helping Taylor with her homework.” Next, allow him to respond. The temptation to comment on the original situation in response to what he says will be enormous.

Don't do it.

You might be tempted to follow up the apology by saying, “It's just that you need to be a little more patient with six-year-olds.” If you say that, then guess what? You were just disrespectful again. Now you owe him
another
apology, so you're no better off than when you first started the conversation. It's important that you listen to his response after you apologize and acknowledge that you
really
heard him. Sometimes I repeat what I heard him say. You might wrap up by saying, “Yeah, I'm really sorry about that,” but don't offer anything more about this topic.

In some cases, not responding may require putting large quantities of duct tape over your mouth. Do whatever it takes.

Emily struggled when I first suggested that she apologize for being disrespectful to her husband, Tim, after she had criticized his efforts to install a new light fixture in the kitchen. She explained, “He was being so illogical, standing on a chair that was about to topple over, and balancing himself with one foot on the new kitchen table that we had just stained with a beautiful new finish. All he needed to do was walk into the garage and get the stepladder and I told him so. Why then do I have to apologize for being disrespectful when he was being lazy and careless of our new table?”

Emily had a point.

But criticizing Tim and using a condescending tone only made their Saturday tense. He resisted getting the stepladder because he didn't want to be controlled. And once he felt her grip, he certainly didn't feel affectionate towards her. Needless to say, he wasn't in the mood for laughter or a long conversation, or quiet snuggling on the couch—the small Saturday afternoon things that foster big feelings of closeness.

I encouraged Emily to apologize just this once. According to her, she mumbled the dreaded word when she delivered her line, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I criticized the way you put in the light fixture.” Emily's tone didn't matter. Her husband had a tender smile for her when he said, “I love seeing this side of you.”

Cathy's husband hung the welcome mat up to dry by putting nails in it. “Now there are holes in my welcome mat,” she complained. “Are you saying I shouldn't even tell him my opinion about that?” Since there's no respectful way to tell your husband that he did something you consider stupid, a surrendered wife would simply not say anything. Instead, she would keep in mind, as Cathy did, that this is a man who works hard to support the family, who will bring her a glass of water in bed, who plays with the baby so she can take long bubble baths, and makes her laugh. In the great scheme of things, a couple of holes in the welcome mat are not a big deal.

Collette was in a similar situation when her husband accidentally threw out one of her toddler's favorite toys. “I'm the one who has to pay for this with my son,” she told me. “My husband will be at work when the temper tantrum starts this afternoon. I'm so angry, I could just spit!”

This husband she was thinking of spitting on also had some redeeming qualities. He had agreed to raise their son in her faith and not his, made a concerted effort to get along well with her family, and worked so that she could stay home with their child. After
some contemplation, Collette realized it was not in her best interest to bring up the toy and instead vented to friends about his transgression. As a result, she avoided a night of bickering followed by silence. You know what else she avoided? A baby crying in reaction to hearing his parents fight—and a night of sleeping stiffly on her side of the bed. So, refraining from making a critical comment wasn't such a big sacrifice after all.

Learning to treat my husband with respect seemed impossible to me at first because I was so convinced that I was superior to him, but the rewards were well worth it and quickly reinforced my new behavior. I found dignity and self-respect, not to mention harmony, better intimacy, and a husband who adores me. The women I know who have decided to make this change, however imperfectly, find the same is true for them. If we can do it, so can you.

Your husband will adore you for it.

“When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”

—JOHN GRAY

Stop telling your husband what to do, what to wear, what to say and how to do things, even if you think you're helping. As much as possible, mind your own business. Recognize that when your urge to control him comes up, you may be feeling fear that isn't appropriate to the situation.

Write down five situations where you have been controlling with your husband recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario? Did needing to control the situation justify losing intimacy with your husband? Practice facing your fear and relinquishing control of your husband to create room for intimacy, and to become the best person you can be.

J
ust underneath the urge to control is fear—big fear. I'd go so far as to call it terror. But what is it we're so afraid of?

Many women are terrified that their husbands won't know how to perform everyday duties properly when left to their own devices. These women are convinced that their husbands are so inept that they are a perpetual threat to the whole family's well being—unless the wives step in. Everyday I see exhausted, exasperated women who insist that unless they manage how their husband does everything—be it parenting, tracking the finances, performing in his job, or even brushing his teeth—things will fall apart.

Some women say they are afraid to leave the children with their own father while they go out because they're “sure” he won't bother to make them a proper dinner or put them to bed on time or check to see that their homework is completed. Others doubt their husbands' ability to plan an enjoyable evening out or to negotiate a good deal on a car. I have to smile when women tell me these kinds of concerns, because I remember not too long ago, I thought the same way. Now I challenge those familiar fallacies by asking “Do you think he would let the kids starve? Do you think you'll go bankrupt buying a minivan?”

As irrational as it sounds, the short answer to those questions is, “Yes.”

Women feel the need to control because they fear that if they don't take matters into their own hands, their needs will go unmet.

It is possible that your husband is thoughtless or inept, but until you give him your complete trust over a sustained period of time, you can't be sure. Chances are he is a great guy who spends most of his time defending himself against your criticism. Until
you stop trying to run his life, you'll never know what it's truly like to be married to your husband. I am
not
saying that you are the cause of your husband's shortcomings. Your husband is always completely responsible for his own actions. If he is a poor father or neglects his family, that is not his wife's fault. At the same time, if you are nagging, undermining, criticizing, or disrespecting him, you are crushing his confidence, intellect, and potential—both emotionally and financially.

T
HE
“N
O-CONTROL
” D
ATE

“I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far.”

—ERICA JONG

M
y own terror was so strong that I had great difficulty going with my husband on what we called the “no-control date.” My therapist encouraged me to experiment with the concept of trusting my husband by agreeing to go on a date where he made all the decisions—just for one night. On this particular date, he was to tell me how to dress and what time to be ready. He would also drive, pick a restaurant, order for me, pay, and plan any other activities for this one evening. This would give me the opportunity to relax and practice trusting him to be in charge for a change.

It would also prove that despite my superiority complex, my
husband would indeed give me what I needed and wanted, right down to ordering my favorite meal for dinner. Agreeing to do this exercise meant I would deliberately be vulnerable—a state that I would normally do anything to avoid.

The therapist must have known that I would have trouble letting go when she assigned the exercise. She must have realized that my habit of calling all the shots would be hard to turn off, even for one night, and that it would be impossible to sit with my fear.