The No Cry Discipline Solution (50 page)

aware and involved until you see that things are running more

smoothly.

• Don’t continually give in to your child’s requests.
Make

sure you aren’t encouraging bossy behavior by always giving in

to your child when the two of you are together. This is a pat-

tern many parents get into when their children are babies, and

they don’t modify their responses to be more age appropriate over

time.

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Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

• Don’t always play by her rules.
When you play with your

child according to
her
rules—even when you don’t want to play her way—you are promoting bossiness. Instead, encourage your child

to learn how to play according to group rules, how to respect oth-

ers’ wishes, and how to compromise. Learning these things with

a parent as the teacher is a comfortable, nonthreatening way to

learn.

Car Problems

See also: Hitting, Kicking, and Hair Pulling; Other

People’s Undisciplined Children; Sibling Fights

We spend a lot of time in the car, and I get so

frustrated over the same problems day after day. They

don’t want to sit in their booster seats, they fi ght with

each other, and they whine and fuss at me.

Think About It

It’s diffi cult for an active child to be strapped into a seat and required to be still for any length of time, but it is a necessary situation. Since you are in the car so often, you have a great opportu-

nity to teach patience and to create and reinforce a routine that

works for you. You’ll just need to fi gure out what that routine is

and then make it happen.

What to Do

• Be fi rm about nonnegotiables.
Kids must be in car seats—it’s

the law. Tell them that a policeman could stop you, and you will

all be in trouble if they aren’t sitting properly in their seats. It also helps to explain that car seats keep them safe. But don’t go into

too much detail about car accidents, which could cause anxiety.

• Create “car rules.
” Write down your top rules and keep them

in the car. Review them each time you get in the car. If necessary,

plan a consequence for breaking the rules. For example, children

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216

Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

who break the rules get to clean the trash out of the car when

you get home. Even a fi ve-year-old can do this task. Remember

to praise your children when you have an enjoyable ride and they

follow the rules.

• Keep them occupied.
Boredom can promote whining and

fi ghts. Keep books, travel games, car bingo cards, or music headsets

in the car. It’s also helpful to keep a few healthy snacks, such as dry

cereal or pretzels, on hand. Children who are occupied or snacking

are content and less likely to fuss or fi ght.

• Take advantage of your captive audience.
Buy or borrow

a selection of children’s audio books and listen to them together.

Talk about the story and use it as a launching pad for enrich-

ing discussions. Check your library or bookstore for a wonderful

assortment of choices.

• Give your children positive attention.
Keep the atmosphere

in the car pleasant by using the time to talk to your children. Ask

thought-provoking questions, recount the events of the week, or

play guessing games. Your children will start looking forward to

being in the car—and so will you.

• Sing.
Turn on your favorite music or some children’s sing-

alongs. Have fun and sing!

What Not to Do

• Don’t add your own complaining and whining to the noise.

It doesn’t help to voice your aggravation every time you take a

drive. Complaining doesn’t solve the problem; you need to create

an active solution.

• Don’t pay more attention to the children than to your

driving.
Distracted drivers are three times as likely to be involved in a car accident as more attentive drivers. Refereeing a backseat

battle or tending to a whining child is very distracting. So keep

Car Problems

217

Mason, age 1, and Maddison, age 3

your eyes and your attention on the road. If your child’s backseat

tantrum upsets you, pull the car off the road. Park. Look your child

in the eye and say, “When you stop I will drive.” Turn around in

your seat and wait. Read a book, look through your purse, do some

stretches. If the behavior doesn’t cease, repeat your statement, or,

if possible, return home.

Dawdling

See also: Doesn’t Come When Called

My son moves at an excruciatingly slow pace. When

we need to get somewhere and I’m rushing about it is

very frustrating to have to keep prodding him along.

Think About It

Children live according to a much slower clock than we adults do.

They don’t give a moment’s thought to what they might be doing

next. They prefer to enjoy each moment for what it is. They pause

as they watch the cat sleep, examine the color patterns in the

carpet, and ponder the reasons for having toes. If you think about

it, it’s a shame that we can’t all live on “kid-time.”

What to Do

• Give specifi c step-by-step directions.
Make incremental

requests that your child can easily follow. Give your child one or

two tasks at a time, and when complete, assign the next. “Please

put your puzzle in the box and go to the bathroom.”

• Make a list.
Write down the sequence of tasks to be com-

pleted, and give the list to your child with a pencil to cross things

off as they’re done.

• Provide an incentive to fi nish.
Encourage your child to fi n-

ish the task with a “when/then” statement, such as “When you get

in the car, then you can have your crackers.”

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Dawdling

219

• Analyze your own daily schedule.
Determine if you are try-

ing to do too much. If you are, see if you can make some changes.

Start focusing on the priorities in your life, eliminate some of the

unnecessary time-wasters, and slow
yourself
down a little bit.

• Check your child’s nap and sleep schedules.
Children who

aren’t getting a proper amount of sleep will lack energy and tend

to move slowly and dawdle.

What Not to Do

• Don’t rush your child by saying, “Come on!” or “Hurry

up!
” These requests tend to frustrate children, and then they rush to the point of taking
extra
time to make up for the mistakes that happen when they move too fast.

• Don’t reinforce the pattern.
Children often dawdle out of

habit. A parent will announce, “Time to go,” and then be dis-

tracted by a phone call or a household task (so then it really
isn’t

time to go). Children come to expect that you’ll repeat yourself

numerous times before they have to respond. Practice thinking

before you speak, making a very specifi c request, and then follow-

ing through.

• Don’t expect speed.
Allow a reasonable amount of time for

your child to meet your request. Watch your child to learn his

pace. Just because you are in a hurry doesn’t mean your child will

move any faster than his usual speed.

• Don’t miscommunicate.
Make clear, specifi c statements that

don’t leave room for misunderstanding. As an example, instead of

the vague statement “Get ready to go,” clarify by saying, “Right

now, would you please put on your shoes and your coat and get in

the car?”