The No Cry Discipline Solution (53 page)

she needs to learn: how to control her emotions when others are

making her mad. You are mad at her, so she’ll be watching how

you handle your anger.

• Don’t focus on punishment.
More than anything your child

needs instructions on how to treat other human beings, particu-

larly during moments of anger or frustration.

• Don’t let your child watch TV shows or movies that

involve hitting or other violence.
Children can become immune

to the impact of the violence. Studies tell us that children copy

what they see on TV, which often portrays aggression as an appro-

priate way of handling anger.

• Don’t assume your child can fi gure it out.
If your child

comes to you asking for help in dealing with a diffi cult situation,

don’t send her away for tattling. She may then return to the situa-

tion angry and express her emotions inappropriately. View her call

for help as an invitation to teach her important social skills.

Interrupting

See also: Manners; Mealtime Behavior

My husband and I haven’t had an uninterrupted

conversation since our twins started talking! The boys

interrupt us constantly.

Think About It

Your children interrupt you because they get a response from you

when they do. They’ve learned that you are always willing to stop

what you’re doing to answer them. Children often are so focused

on their own needs that they don’t realize you also have needs at

that moment. They need to learn how to pay attention to other

people’s needs as well as their own.

What to Do

• Give lessons and examples.
Since they may have a hard time

deciphering when interruptions are justifi ed, teach your children

how to determine if something warrants an interruption. Discuss

examples of times when it’s okay to interrupt—for example, when

someone is at the door or on the phone or if a sibling is hurt.

• Coach the proper manners.
Teach your child how to wait

for a pause in the conversation and to say, “Excuse me.” When he

remembers to do this, respond positively to him. If the interrup-

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tion is of a nature that it can and should wait, politely inform your

child of this.

• Teach “the squeeze.”
Tell your child that if he wants some-

thing when you are talking to another adult, he should walk up to

you and gently squeeze your arm. You will then squeeze his hand

to indicate that you know he is there and will be with him in a

minute. At fi rst, respond rather quickly so your child can see the

success of this method. Over time you can wait longer; just give

a gentle squeeze every few minutes to remind your child that you

remember the request.

• Create a busy box.
Put together a box of activities or games

that can only be used when you are on the telephone, working at

your desk, or talking with an adult. Occasionally refi ll it with new

things or rotate the contents. Be fi rm about putting the box and

Sage, 10 months; Ethan, age 7; and Devan, age 2½

Interrupting

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its contents away when you are done. Your child will look forward

to your next conversation, which will be interruption free!

• Plan ahead.
Before you make a phone call or have a visitor,

let your child know what to expect. “I’m going to make a phone

call. I’ll be a while, so let’s get your busy box ready to use while I’m

on the phone.”

• Commend your child when it is deserved.
Praise your child

for using good manners, for remembering to say, “Excuse me,” and

for interrupting only for a valid reason.

What Not to Do

• Don’t answer the interruption.
Many parents admonish

their children for interrupting but in the same breath respond to

the child’s interrupted request, which just reinforces the habit.

• Don’t be rude.
Parents sometimes jump in so quickly to cor-

rect their child’s bad manners that they don’t realize that the way

in which their correction is delivered is itself rude. (“What is the

matter with you? Stop interrupting us!”) Use your own good man-

ners to model appropriate communication skills. Pause, look at

your child, and say, “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Lying

Lately I’ve been catching my son in small lies, such as

“I didn’t do it.” I know that he did, but I’m reluctant to

call him a liar.

Think About It

It is a good idea to avoid tagging a child with any unpleasant

label. Children form opinions of who they are, and we don’t want

them to view themselves in such a negative way. We do, however,

want to deal with this behavior whenever it happens, teach our

children about honesty, and prevent lying from becoming a habit.

Children don’t tell the truth for a number of different reasons.

They lie so they won’t get in trouble, they lie to cover embarrass-

ment, or they lie because they don’t make the distinction between

fact and fi ction. Mainly, they lie because they don’t understand

the importance of always telling the truth. Teaching your child

the value of telling the truth takes time, teaching, consistency,

and patience.

What to Do

• Make telling the truth a recognized family value.
Children

learn what traits are important to you by your words and actions.

Choose those values that are most important to you, such as being

truthful, and discuss them with your child from time to time. You

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Lying

235

can point out the subject when it comes up in books, in movies,

or in life experiences.

• Focus on fi nding a solution instead of laying blame.
When

your child makes a mistake and comes forward with the truth,

resist the urge to yell or punish. Instead, involve him in fi nding

solutions. “Regardless of how it happened, the lamp is broken.

What are we going to do about it?”

• Set reasonable expectations.
Children sometimes lie because

they feel they’re not meeting your expectations, and they think it’s

easier to lie than disappoint you. Take a look at how you respond

to your child’s mistakes or inadequacies, and make sure you leave

room for imperfections.

• Teach your child to take responsibility for his mistakes.
If

you witness him doing something wrong, coach your child to say,

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.” This is something many adults still have

trouble doing—so start him young. People who are comfortable

admitting their mistakes are less likely to lie to cover them up.

• Model truthfulness.
When your child hears you telling “lit-

tle white lies,” you are teaching your child something important

about lies and honesty. Model what you hope to see from your

child.

What Not to Do

• Don’t ask questions that set your child up to lie.
When

your child has chocolate on his face and the candy wrapper is on

the table, don’t ask, “Did you eat the candy that was on the coun-

ter?” Instead make a statement of fact: “It appears that you ate the

candy without asking.”

• Don’t assume something is a lie if you are not sure.
If you

suspect your child isn’t telling the truth but you’re not 100 percent

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sure, don’t accuse him of lying.
But
do express your concern: “That doesn’t sound like the truth to me.”

• Don’t assume your child is lying to be naughty.
Your child

may be afraid to confess what he’s done for fear of punishment

or of disappointing you. That’s different from purposely lying to

deceive you.