The No Cry Discipline Solution (45 page)

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Authors: Elizabeth Pantley

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• Get to eye level when talking to your child (don’t shout from

two rooms away).

• Pick your battles—not every issue is worth fi ghting over.

• Increase your support system—join a parent club, visit an

online parenting chat site, or make friends with the parents

of your children’s playmates.

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Do You Need

More Help?

There are times when people are taught anger management skills

but the information doesn’t match their personality, doesn’t

address an underlying reason for anger, or isn’t enough to help them to control their emotions. If the six steps to staying calm

don’t help you stay calm, then answer these questions with a yes

or no.

• Have you read and studied this chapter and posted the review

page, but your anger still gets the better of you?

• Do you lose your temper over both big and small issues?

• Are your angry episodes frequent and/or intense?

• Do your angry feelings last for a long time after the situation

that caused them?

• When you are angry do you hit, slam, throw, or break things

or hurt people?

• Do you fi nd that your spouse or children are becoming afraid

of you?

• Are you afraid of yourself when you get mad?

• Is your anger worse now than it used to be?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have dif-

fi culty handling anger and require more assistance than this book

can offer. There are many places where you can get caring, sup-

portive help for learning how to control your anger. You may want

to explore several options, since there are various approaches used

for anger management. Possible options for getting the help that

186

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Do You Need More Help?

187

you need, either through classes, group workshops, or individual

counseling, include a

• local hospital

• school counselor

• priest, minister, or other religious leader

• family doctor

• counselor, therapist, psychologist, or other mental health

professional

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your family will be so much bet-

ter off if you do, and you will be proud that you took such positive

action. Your family is worth it.

Reminder Page

Six Steps to Staying Calm

Step 1: Stop

Identify your angry feelings.

Raise your hands to signal STOP. Stop talking.

Step 2: Space

Move away from your child or move your child away from

you.

Alternate choice if calm:
Squeeze
—give your child a big hug.

Step 3: Soothe

Calm yourself.

Take a deep breath, repeat a relaxing phrase, pray, or practice

yoga.

Read, listen to music, or exercise.

Step 4: See

Replay what happened in your mind’s eye.

Analyze the situation objectively.

Step 5: Specify

Defi ne the
exact
problem (“The problem is . . .”).

Step 6: Solve

Decide which parenting skills to use.

Create several possible solutions.

Follow through.

188

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Pa r t 4

-

Specifi c Solutions for

Everyday Problems

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Applying No-Cry Parenting

Skills to Everyday Problems

Until now, we’ve covered basic parenting skills. You can use

these skills to solve nearly any behavior issue you face. Some-

times, though, there’s so much information rolling around in your

head that it’s hard to sift through all the skills you’ve learned and

come up with a specifi c solution at a given moment. The chapters

that follow will provide some quick tips for the most common dis-

cipline problems parents face during the early childhood years.

It is critical to keep in mind that your child’s age and level of

understanding will affect the way you’ll respond in any given situa-

tion. How you’ll approach a two-year-old who has a tantrum is very

different than how you will approach a six-year-old having a tan-

trum—even if both children are having tantrums because they are

tired, hungry, and rebelling after you said no potato chips. Younger

children will require much more teaching and direction than older

ones who have already had years of lessons from you. In addition,

you’ll have to honestly assess how
you
have responded to your child in the past, as the history between you will affect both of

your reactions today. You can’t abruptly change your way of inter-

acting with your child and expect him to modify his responses to

suit your new goals.

All children are unique. There isn’t one perfect solution that

works for every single child. Even siblings can be very different

from one another. I have four children who are as alike as apples,

oranges, brownies, and chewing gum. It often amazes me that

these four children were birthed by the same parents and raised

in the same home. They are very distinctive individuals, and they

have very different strengths and personality traits. They each

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