The Lonely (28 page)

He
catches my glance and laughs, shaking his head. The song blends into Olly Murs,
Troublemaker. I love this song. He points at me and mouths, "You are this
girl."

I
open my mouth offended, "Hey." He pulls me closer. The song is
awesome just not sexy like Scream and Shout was, but it's fun. I glance at
Shell and Vince dancing. He's an amazing dancer.

"Want
to go?" Sebastian whispers into my neck. I give the moment pause to give
the decision a fair amount of debate. Will I actually be able to sleep with
him? No.

I
shake my head, "No." He looks disappointed but he's too kind to let
the look stay there.

I
finish proofing my essay and click save. I close my laptop and sit in the
feelings I'm having. I don’t have a decision made. I don’t have a choice I want
more than the other. But I'm not dating both. So I will wait it out. I nod at
myself, like a crazy woman. I've spent the entire day avoiding Sebastian's
attempts at getting me to come over. I know what he wants and I don’t know if I
can do it. Not so soon after doing it with Eli. I'm not like Shell.

I
pick up my phone, it's vibrated non-stop. There are tons of messages and
voicemails. Sebastian has my number now. I gave it to him without Eli's
permission. I'm a rebel.

The
newest text is from Eli.
'Meet me now.'

Instead
of giving the request thought, I get up, pull on my coat and run down the
stairs. When I cross the street, to where Stuart stands outside the SUV, I
notice he looks different. Less of everything, confidence, life, energy, and
even muscle mass. His lean gorgeous glow is replaced with something sad and
empty.

The
snow falls on our heads. The sounds surrounding us are plenty but it feels like
I can hear the snow falling in our little world, where it's just he and I on
the sidewalk. I touch his coat sleeve and smile. "She's trying to make you
jealous. That says something. If she didn’t want you jealous, she wouldn’t be
flaunting him about."

His
eyes flinch, "I just messed up so bad. I should have told her about it. I
should have just made her more than him."

I
shake my head, "It was authentic with her being scared. She is a terrible
actress. Terrible. I would have seen through her act. I wouldn’t have feared
for my life and felt like I lost everything."

He
looks me in the eyes, showing me his pain. "I am so sorry. I swear I will
never do that again."

I
shake my head, "It worked. Do you know how hard it was to live with the
lonely? Everyday was the biggest disappointment. Everyday those eyes haunted me
but I couldn’t place them. The curtain in my mind was more like a steel wall. You
saved me, Stuart. And she will come around when she sees that."

He
opens the door, "Thanks." I lean in on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek,
"Thank you. You always will be the hands in the dark that saved me from
the lonely." I climb in and wait.

He
drives us in silence.

My
jaw clenches seeing Eli's building. My palms are sweating but when he opens the
door I climb out. My body works against me. It's on autopilot. It wants him,
more than anything.

I
cross to the foyer, slowly and press the button. When the doors open he's
standing inside. He holds a hand out of the elevator doors. I put my hand in
his. He squeezes and pulls me inside. The doors close. The silence is thick and
painful.

"I'm
sorry." He says, maybe to me, maybe to the elevator. I don’t look at him.
I look at our bizarre reflections in the brushed metal. I smile remembering
what it looked like when were crawling all over each other.

The
elevator dings and he pulls me inside. He walks me to the living room, I
guarantee no one ever sits in but me. He doesn’t let go. He sits and drags me
with him. We sit on the dark-burgundy leather in silence. It doesn’t feel like
empty silence. It's filled with all the things we won't ever say to each other.
We don’t talk like normal people. Normal couples. There will never be anything
normal between us.

I
glance at the snow on my boots and frown, "I should take my shoes
off."

"No."
He says it brusquely.

I
flinch. He sighs and speaks. Still not looking at me. "What do you
want?"

I
turn and face him, adjusting how I sit so I can see him. He looks different. I
don’t have an answer. I just pray he speaks again so I don’t have to.

"What
do you want, Sarah?"

I
shake my head, "What do you mean?" My voice is timid and small. My
stomach is in my throat.

"I
mean in life, in general. What do you want?"

I
think he's about to say he won't spank me anymore. He won't touch me anymore.
His grip on my hand is firm and intense. I want us so close we are like one
person again. I want his skin against mine.

"I
want you." I whisper. It's ballsy and I've never been ballsy.

He
nods, "You want the things I can offer? You can live without the
others?"

My
mind halts, the others? Does he mean the wishes I made a thousand times for
normalcy? The normal I have craved for so long? Can I live without it?

"No.
I want both." I need to choose me.

He
shakes his head, "There's no both. There's what's here and what's out
there."

"Why
do you want me? You have all that stuff down that hallway for a reason. You
have all those things for a reason. You obviously didn’t get them to be with
me. You've had them for a while. I doubt you're in desperate need of girls to
submit to you." I don’t mention the fact his capabilities, as a lover are
outstanding and intense, like a roller coaster would be.

A
grin plays with his lips, "It's not something I care to discuss or
explain."

I
hate his walls. I jerk my hand away. He flexes his, like he's letting blood
back in after gripping mine so hard. I stand up, "Well then, I guess we're
done with this. Why don’t you call the doc for me?" I stomp away. I push
the elevator button. I hear him get up. He wants me angry. He wants me to play
along. He wants me to get pissed and end up bent over his dirty fucking bed. I
am angry, but not in the way that he wants. I'm sick of him. I tap the button
like always. He's standing behind me. I can feel the heat of him towering over
me.

He's
going to rush me into the elevator and strip my clothes off. I'm shaking with
fury that's so close to the surface, my blood is bubbling.

My
fists are clenched.

The
elevator comes. I take a deep breath and step in. I turn and face him. He
doesn’t move.
"Why did you even want me to come over?" I ask and hold the door. I
don’t know why I'm bothering, but he's making me so angry.

His
eyes flicker, "I followed you and watched you last night. You were having
fun and being free and you looked normal. I wanted to see it up close."

I
step back and let the doors close. His hands shoots in and stops the door. My skin
crawls. His face is hard and smug like the man in the chair.

"I
want you to pick me."

My
back is pressed against the cold steel wall, "And live a half life?"

His
eyes flicker. He's getting angry. He looks like a monster. "I can give you
everything."

I
grip the steel shelf that left bruises on my butt and thighs. "Except the
one thing I want. I want you. Can you give me yourself the way I've been able
to give myself? I don't have any dark corners left. You've invaded them
all."

"I
want to be enough for you. I want it too." He pulls his hand back and the
elevator closes. I could cry on the floor. I know he would come and get me. He
would hold me and comfort me. In some ways, he needs me to be that weak girl
who needs him to protect her.

I
storm across the foyer and out into the cold wind and snow.

"Dr.
Bradley's, please." I mutter and climb inside the SUV.

He
drives and lets me stew. He doesn’t speak. I'm grateful.

I
jump out, almost running for her building. I'm near tears when I open the door
and tap the shit out of the elevator button.

I
feel like something is chasing me, and if the elevator doesn’t get there, it
will get me.

The
door opens. She's inside. She looks confused but trying to be pleasant.

"Sarah?"

I
jump inside and take huge breaths. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath.

"Are
you feeling alright?"

I
shake my head, "I need you." I've never said those words before. We
ride up to her office and I hustle into my chair. I slump in it and then I'm
up. I'm pacing.

"He
has me driven insane. He wants to be with me but then he won't let me in. He
won't be with me. He'll have sex with me." I pause and look at her,
"No. He'll fuck me. He'll fuck me and make me crazy, but he's always got
the control. I never get any. He doesn’t relinquish an ounce of it. Is this
still part of the game to make me better? I feel like I'm getting worse. You
should really take this part out." I feel sick imagining him with the
other female patients. I sit again and cup my face in my hands. My breath is
lost and erratic.

She
walks across the room and sits quietly. She watches me. Her eyes are scaring
me. "You have been having sexual relations with Mr. Adams? Actual
sex?"

I
look up, mouth-agape, "How did you not clue into that? I've been strung
out on him for months. Even when he was just the benefactor…even then." I
can't finish the rest of the sentence.

"As
a protector and a torturer. Not as a lover. Not a real one. The goal was to
push you to the brink and make you walk the rest of the way."

She
has never let me see behind the curtain before. It feels like the Wizard of Oz
and I'm just now seeing the little man and disappointment is everywhere. There
is no Wizard. There is only the plan that was clearly hatched by a couple
people, who don’t have clue what they're doing.

"So
you had no part in the seduction of the poor orphan?"

She
crosses her arms, she is losing the control. He's taken it from her as well. Or
maybe this time it's me.

"I
would have strongly discouraged anything between you two. He sees you as his
little sister in a lot of ways."

That
makes me almost vomit. I breathe it back.

"He
saved you. You replaced her in his heart. His protective instincts are
brotherly. He is still very sick and needs a lot of care. He has never made it
as far as you have, ever. His control issues have remained firm and rigid.
Saving you has been the only mission in his life, since he found you. Before
that it was all about finding you. He maintained your existence, even when the
rest of us believed you to be a creation of his mind. Even finding you though,
he has not come alive again. All he cares about is saving you, like he never
did his sister. He does nothing for himself."

Images
are flashing behind my eyes. The boxing ring felt like we were friends.
Siblings no, but it felt like friends. The texts have never been anything more
than that, if I was lucky. I'm nearly gagging. My hands are shaking. How did I
miss it?

"Did
he punish you, sexually?"

My
eyes betray me and answer her question.

She
nods, "He has a thing with that. He was punishing you as Emalyn, for dying
and making him a failure."

I
wish I were the one who died.

She
sighs and continues, "Not to mention how you feel about him. He saved you.
You will never see the man, only the hero. You will forgive him his flaws too
easily. I imagined that was what you were feeling. Not true lust. I honestly
didn’t think you were capable of true lust. This is progress for you, even if
it's twisted and bizarre. Considering the dirty house and all." I'm up and
walking to the elevator.

"You
need to stay away from him until I can help him." She calls after me.

I
feel sick and dirty. My fingers tap the button in a disturbing panic. My
fingertip goes numb.

The
elevator opens. I step in and fight the tears. I run across the parking lot,
away from the SUV. Stuart doesn’t see me. His head is down. I run hard and
fast. My boots are killing my feet, but I run until I can't. Then I pull out my
cell phone and call him. I'm frozen and pacing on the sidewalk.

"Yes."
He is cold.

"You
think of me as your sister? You've fucked me, imagining I'm your sister?"

"What?
What are you talking about?"

"Doctor
Bradley, she told me that you think of me as the sister who died. You've
replaced me in your heart as your sister and you love me like that. You protect
me like that." I'm huffing and puffing and blowing steam in an angry
circle.

"You
told Dr. Bradley about us? What we did at my house?" His vice is still
cold.