The Lonely (32 page)

I
smile but nothing takes away from the nerves and sickness inside of me,
"And I feel bad for Sebastian. He was giving me his whole heart and I left
there not wanting it. I am so fucked up. They' aren't going to want me, Shell.
I'm such a mess." I say it as we get to the SUV.

"They
will love you. Trust me. It's impossible to not love you." She nudges me
again.

Stuart
opens the door. "You okay, Sarah?"

I
shake my head.

"We'll
be there for you the entire time." His voice is steady. He doesn’t even
steal a glance at Shell. He is there for me. He always was.

Shell
pushes me inside the SUV. I sit inside and try not to feel like vomiting.

I
don’t know how I feel about the fact Eli had them fly here. He will be part of
the whole thing. He is the whole thing. He's organized it all and made it
happen.

Stuart
speaks in the rearview, "They're staying at the Hotel Commonwealth. It's nice.
They have the suite, so we can sit in private and meet them."

I
start to panic. My head fills with a million different bad things. "What
if they don’t like me? What if I'm not the way they imagined?" Shell pulls
a paper bag from her purse and holds it out.

"You're
not in the orphanage tardo. These people gave birth to you. They're yours, your
parents. They'll love you no matter. Mine love me through all the
bullshit."

My
hands shake when I take the paper bag. I'm shaking so hard I can't get the
edges open. She takes it and opens it, "Calm. Deep breaths." I grip
the bag, tearing it. I start to cry.

She
pulls a second bag out, it makes me laugh, but it's a sobbing laugh. She holds
the bag up to my face. I dig my hand into my pocket and grip the gingerbread
hand sani. My body is clenching and aching. I'm huffing the bag but I can't get
calm.

Stuart
pulls up to a red awning outside a beautiful building. My hands are shaking.
The SUV door opens. His hand is there. I'm instantly grateful for him. I close
my eyes and take it. He pulls me into him and instantly everything is better.
His touch takes away all the sharp edges and makes them soft and safe.

"Eli!
Leave her alone!" Shell is shouting and scrambling after us but I'm
gripping to him.

"Don’t
be strong and brave for them. Be you. They expect nothing." He whispers
into my ear, wrapping his body around mine. No amount of hate or disgust I
harbor for him, can steal the fact he is my savior. Always was.

He
brings me to a fancy white door. I see the woman's washroom sign as we walk
through and he locks it. He sits me on the counter and brushes my hair away.
His icy-blue eyes are hard and focused.

"They
don’t have any expectations. They never even had hope until I confirmed who you
were. Be you. You're sweet. We both know that." He isn’t soothing. He's an
asshole. But I believe him.

I
nod and sniffle, "I'm scared."

He
leans in and kisses my forehead, "I am too. But you have me, even if you
don’t want me. I'm here. I'll always be here." He pulls a handkerchief from
his pocket and puts it up to my face. I shy away, horrified, "Is that
clean?"

He
laughs, "Yes. Fresh from the laundry. Just let me wipe your eyes." He
wipes my eyes softly, "When this is over, you and I need to have a very
serious conversation. I don’t want to take away from the specialness of what
you're about to do, so we'll just put that on the back burner. Just focus on
this moment now. It's hard. I know that. You're amazing and they are lovely
people. Trust me."

I
flinch when he says it, but I nod. "I do." And I do. There is no one
I trust like I do him. Sister or no, I trust him with my safety. Sometimes I
still think it's Stockholm.

He
puts a hand out. I take it and let him lead me. I'm gripping my sani and him.
It's more than I have ever needed.

Shell
is in the reception area of the hotel. Stuart is close to her.

She
looks at Eli but speaks to me, "You okay, Sarah?"

I
nod and squeeze him. He bends into me and whispers, "You ready to do
this?"

I
grip him and my sani tight. "Yup."

Shell
smiles sweetly, "They're going to love you. Like we do."

Tears
threaten my eyes again, "You're already more than any orphan could ask
for." My words tremble out of me. Eli holds me and pulls me closer to him.
I numb myself to him and all of it. I take a breath and nod, "Let's
go." He leads me to the elevators. I blush when we step inside. I stand
too close and need too much. I can't stop it.

The
elevator stops with silence. No ding. No bell. Eli clenches my hand as Shell
leans in and kisses me.

We
step off and walk down short hall where Eli knocks on a fancy white door. I
feel like I might throw up.

I
don’t want to be a freak. I want them to see me as a normal girl. I hold my
breath and wait. My eye sight starts to narrow. My tunnel vision gets bad when
I get stressed. I take a deep breath. The door opens, making me gag a bit. I
hold it back. A tall man with grey hair and a grey mustache and sparkly blue
eyes answers. His hand comes up to his mouth. I see his face tremble. A woman
comes and stands beside him. She has blonde hair like me and blue eyes that
instantly are filled with tears. I notice when she brings her hands to her face
they are incredibly clean.

She
leans into the man and starts to sob. I see movement behind them. She reaches
forward and grabs me. Eli holds my hand, but the woman trembles and grips me
with shaking strength. The hall and room are completely silent. None of us
makes a sound. Everything is quiet. The man wraps around me. I'm sobbing. I
can't see anything but as long as I can feel his hand I'm okay. I don’t know
what to say.

"You
look just like my mother." She whispers into my hair.

The
space around me becomes dark. I grip his hand for the life of me. I can't see.
I can smell them and deep inside I know it. I know the smell. It's gingerbread
cookies and warm hugs and a black and white cat.

Eli
speaks softly, "Let's just step inside."

The
man heaves slightly and when he steps back I can see light again. There are
others. Boys. My age, or close to it. They're huge. Tall and strong looking.
One has dark hair like Eli and the other has blond hair, like me. I can see it
immediately. I belong with them. We match.

The
man tries to talk but he can't. I can't either. One of the boys is crying. He
points, "Dad, Mom, Jake, Lyle." He points to himself. He's Lyle. I
look into his eyes and watch it happen. He remembers me. I see it.

They
drag me into the hotel room. I drag Eli with me. The mom grabs Eli and attacks
him with hugs and savage kisses. They look painful.

"Thank
you, thank you, thank you. You dear boy. Thank you." Her voice is broken.
He looks stoic throughout the assault.

I
look back at Shell. She's crying into Stuart, who has red eyes and a quivering
jaw.

The
Dad grabs me, forcefully. I flinch. He stops his assault and moves slowly,
"Sorry, Sarah. I just…well…we….never imagined. We hoped."

I
can see it in his eyes. He's normal. They're normal. He's wearing a sweater and
a polo and she's got on a blouse. The people who wore sweaters and blouses were
the ones you wanted at the orphanage. I always wanted a sweater and a blouse.
But they all knew who I was. No one wants that kid. God knows what's already
been done to that kid or what they’ll do to the kids already in your house.

But
I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. This sweater and blouse were mine.

I
let go of Eli's hand and let my Dad wrap his arms around me. He folds around
me, like he's making up for lost time. My mom stops mauling Eli and joins our
embrace. Her hug is the gingerbread where his is the cat that I remember.

"Sarah,
do you remember us?"

My
lips feel dry and chapped and too thick to speak, but I manage. "I
remember gingerbread cookies and skating on a pond and hot cocoa and a black
and white cat."

Apparently
it is enough. They cry and nod their heads, "The pond is at my mother's
farmhouse. Your grandma."

"I
don’t have anything else to give. I wish I did." I say softly.

They
hug harder. Jake and Lyle join in again. They eat me up and I don’t know what
to do with it all.

I
turn my head and lean into my father's chest. I open my eyes to see Eli
watching me. He smiles. It's almost sweet.

My
brothers leave my embrace and grab at him. They pull him in and pat him.

"Come
and sit, Sarah. We have so much to talk about." My mother points to the
huge sitting area. I look at Shell and Stuart and hold a hand out. Shell rushes
and grabs me.

"This
is Michelle. She has been my family since I was eight."

My
mom grabs her and holds her close. They cry together.

"Thank
you Michelle. Thank you."

Michelle
shakes her head in quick jerks.

"This
is Stuart. He helped me remember everything that happened. And he keeps me
safe." My mother's arm shoots out. She drags him in.

We
cry for some time before I actually manage to sit in a chair. Eli sits beside
me, holding my hand.

"I'm
Helen, if you don’t want to call me mom just yet. Your Dad's name is
Roger." She fumbles with a book beside her, "This is yours." She
passes it to me. It's thick and heavy and soft pink. I put it in my lap and
lean into Eli. He opens to the first page for me. Instantly the tears are there
again. A wisp of white blonde hair is taped to the edge of the book.

"You
had almost none, so chubby and bald compared to your brothers. But we managed
to get a bit for the baby book." She sounds lost suddenly, like the book
has transported her back.

I
lightly brush my fingers over the fine hair. I turn the page and see the
announcement in the paper. The piece of paper looks old and tarnished.

"Happy
birthday Baby." Helen says softly. My brother, Lyle reaches over and puts
a hand on her shoulder. She lifts her hand to his.

"You
were the baby. Lyle is twenty-three and Jake is twenty-five. They were five and
seven when you were taken." Her words break inside of her mouth and fall
out in jumbled pieces. I get what she means though.

As
I turn the pages, I notice how worn they are. I can almost feel the grease of
fingers that lingered too long and tears that fell too often from eyes, lost
staring at the pages. Each page is another stage, a baby sitting up or crawling
or walking. Golden locks and big blue eyes. Eli is so tight to me, I'm certain
he is the only thing stopping it from feeling like a dream.

"We
searched…for so long. About five years ago we had that built." She points.
I turn the page and see it. It's them. And me. My tomb. My headstone and
monument. They buried me. I drag my fingers along the photo.

"We
just thought, well we gave up. For that we are so sorry."

I
shake my head, "I gave up too."

She
is crying into her hands. I wonder if it's guilt or relief. I hate that they
feel badly. But I can see it in their eyes.

"We
would like for you to come home with us." My skin crawls. He senses me
tensing and puts a huge hand on my thigh. It looks massive there.

I
nod and mentally slap myself, "I can come."

"You
should bring your friends of course. We have plenty of room."

I
look up, "When?"

"Easter?
We would love it if you came for Easter."

It
is much more time than I would expect. I agree, "Can we visit again
though?" I don’t want them to leave me. I'm terrified I will leave the
suite and they will dissolve into the ash I had imagined them to be.

"I
was thinking perhaps I could host breakfast tomorrow. We can have it catered here
in one of the small meeting rooms. I have the staff on standby with the
idea." Eli pats my leg.

My
mother's face lights up. "Yes." She looks back at my father and
brothers. They nod.

I
turn the next page and can't do anymore. I close the book and smile at them, my
perfect orphan fake smile. "Thank you for meeting with us. You are the
best birthday present I have ever gotten." Which is true. I never knew my
birthday before Eli told me when it was.

My
father walks to me and offers me his hand. I put mine in it, hesitantly. He
lifts me up and wraps his arms around me. "You are the greatest gift any
of us can ever have."

Eli
stands beside me, hovering as usual. "We should be going. It's no doubt
overload for everyone."

I
close my eyes and breathe my father in. I move on to my mother and do the same
thing.

My
brothers hug me at the same time. We are strangers and complicated, but I would
take it over anything in the entire world. It is an amazing and terrifying
feeling to have them. My greatest fear is that they will be taken away again.