The Lonely (23 page)

"That's
it." I say softly. In the sounds of the traffic and snow falling and my
own rapid heartbeat, I think I can hear him stepping back emotionally.

He
doesn't move but it feels like he couldn’t be further away. After a second he
pulls out a bottle of hand sani from his pocket, "So, I don’t need this
anymore?"

I
laugh. It's filled with relief and tears. He wraps his arms around me and
kisses the top of my head, "I'm so glad. My hands are so chapped." I
cry/laugh harder. He laughs too and I swear for a small moment I hear a sob in there.

"I'm
so sorry, Em."

"Sarah."
I whisper.

He
pulls me back, "I like Sarah better anyway." He presses his warm lips
into my forehead and takes my mitt in his again, "But I can't actually
feel my legs so can we go now?"

I
nod.

I
don’t offer him a way out. I don’t tell him he can leave and let me go home.
It's not like the first date. He's become part of the baggage I now carry. I
have a morbid curiosity to see where it goes.

"So
can we eat at a normal restaurant?"

I
nod, "I haven’t done it yet. Been in crowds and eaten at a regular
place." His eyes light up and the hazel flashes under the street light,
"So a first?"

I
smile, "A first."

The
restaurant is busy. The waitresses look like they might be selling something
beyond food.

I
cut my piece of chicken and try to keep calm. I've cut everything on my plate
into tiny pieces. My stomach doesn’t like restaurants yet. Not this kind. The
noise of everyone else is disturbing and annoying.

"Stop."

I
look up at him and frown, "What?"

He
laughs, "Stop. I see it still. Your eyes are darting around the room like
you're plotting something and you look like I'm forcing you to eat liver."

I
drop the cutlery and shiver.

He
leans forward and touches my hands. I like that. "Not everything is going to
change all at once."

I
pull my hands away and rest them in my lap and try not to feel failure in the
meal. "I'm disappointed in myself. I hoped I would be able to do it."

He
nods at the blonde waitress. She comes over grinning at him.
"Can we get our bill please?" He says. She looks at our full plates
and frowns, "Is everything okay?"

He
shakes his head, "It's fine. We just need to leave."

I
watch him. I force myself to stop staring at his mouth.

He
squeezes my hands, "You okay?"

I
sigh, "I'm just bummed. I wanted to be better."

He
sits back, "Em…" He winces and pauses, "Sarah. Sorry. You need
to give things time. It's been a couple weeks since school started again. You
spent the winter break in therapy. I'm pretty sure you are doing amazingly
compared to other people in your situation. I mean come on. Give yourself a
break. You've just remembered things most people haven't seen in a horror
movie."

I
stand up. The bill isn’t there but I can't stay. "I need to wait
outside." I grab my jacket and walk out.

My
heart is racing. My tongue is numb. I grip my cell phone. When I burst through
the front door of the restaurant, before the valet can even get the door, I'm
huffing in air. My hand is shaking. I hate the way he makes me feel. I pull my
phone out.

I
smile when I see the ten 'Hi' messages and text,
'I need you'
and walk to the awning. I stand there and take deep
breaths.

My
phone vibrates, I smile when I see it.
'I need you too'

Sebastian
walks out doing up his pea coat, "You okay?"

I
shake my head, "I don’t think I can do this." I point between us.
"I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I just can't do this. I'm never
going to be this girl."

I
hear the car. I look back. Stuart has the SUV parked across the street
illegally. His favorite way to park.

I
step in and kiss Sebatsian's cheek. I savor the smell of him for a moment,
"Goodnight." I turn and leave before he can say anything. I jump into
the SUV and bury my face in my hands. I'm not crying. I'm terrified. I don’t
know of what.

Stuart
drives. He knows not to talk. He's seen worse than this.

The
SUV stops outside Eli's building. I look up, "He asked you to bring me
here?"

He
shakes his head, "He said you needed to be picked up."

"You
brought me here?"

He
climbs out and opens the door, "I did. You don’t look like you can do
Michelle or alone. I know what that feels like. When I met Eli I was boxing for
real. For money to pay for drugs." He grabs my hand and squeezes, "I
get it."

"Thanks
Stuart."

"Nothing
to thank me for. I'll wait here if you want."

I
look down and blush, "Naw, you go home. Or my place or wherever the hell
you two go."

"She
isn’t talking to me."

I
grimace, "She's Italian. You gotta go for the grand gesture. Huge." I
turn and run across the street and through the open door.

"Good
evening Miss."

I
nod at the valet and run to the elevator.

"Uhm
Miss." I look at the front desk guy. He blushes and shakes his head,
"Never mind."

My
cheeks flush. I press the button and step inside. When the doors close I grin,
like a fool. My heart is racing. I'm thinking about a million things and really
it's only one thing.

I
can barely swallow. The door dings. I jump when the doors open, he's standing
there. His face is dark. His eyes are dark. He grabs my hand and pulls me off
the elevator. He doesn’t kiss me. He drags me through the dark apartment.

My
boots thump along as we almost run through the apartment.

He
opens a metal door and flings me inside. Candles are lit. But in the darkness I
can see what it is. My skin shivers as I look around. It's a warm room with a
fireplace flickering light off of the paddles along the wall. The bed is huge,
four posts of dark, thick wood with a railing like it should be a canopy but he
doesn’t have one there. A strap hangs off one of the posts. He flicks my chin,
"You need to see this. You need to know. This is what I need you
for." He closes the door. The hollow sound of it clicking makes me jerk
around. The firelight licks his face. I see him the way I imagined he would be
when he was just a benefactor.

"You
don’t scare me." I whisper but I know I can't hide the horror on my face.
It takes a second for the shock to sink in. I tremble seeing the paddles. I
wonder if any of them are the one he hit me with. My feet cramp up.

He
takes a step towards me.

His
voice is gruff and cruel. He spits when he talks and points around the dark
room, "You texted me, Sarah. You needed me. This is me. This is what I
have to offer. I don’t have anything else to give you."

My
fingers are unsteady when I lift them to the zipper on my coat and pull down
slowly, watching his gaze. I let it slip off my shoulders, challenging him with
my gaze. I'm terrified and excited. It's the first time I've felt anything
since the last time he touched me. He steps back and sits in the chair in the
corner. His grin is smug and cocky. He sits with his legs spread, like before.

"Undress."
He watches me.

I
take a deep breath and pull my shirt off, dropping it to the floor next to my
jacket. I slip off my boots. He licks his lips. I'm wearing the bandeau, which
I've grown fond of. His eyes are burning. I hold his gaze when I unzip my pants
and wiggle my way out of them. I'm standing in my bandeau and panties.

I
shiver, and not from the cold. The crackle of the fire and my racing heart fill
the air.

"Go
to the bed."

I
turn my back on him and walk to the bed slowly. I don’t know what to expect. I
put my hands on the bed. Before I get a chance to crawl up on it, his body is
against mine. He's got me pinned with his arms around me. He grabs my hands and
lifts them up in the air. I grip the railing on the top of the bed.

"Don’t
move those hands," he whispers into my nape. I nod and lick my lips. I'm
on my tiptoes. My breath is catching and coming out spurts of rough air. His
hands run down my arms. I shiver and pant. His lips brush the back of my neck.
He sweeps my hair to one side, kissing down my shoulder blade. Heat and nerves
battle low in my belly as his hands grip my hips, pulling me back to him.

"Don't
let go of that railing, Sarah." His words are growled between kisses and
licks. I hear the menacing threat in them.

I
wince when he nibbles my back. His hands are rubbing and lightly pinching my
stomach. He doesn’t touch anything I want him to. His lips reach my panties. His
fingers trace the fabric along my butt. It tickles and makes me squirm but I
don’t move my hands. He is the man from the room, with the paddle and the cocky
smile that felt no remorse. I fear him in a way that excites me.

His
fingers dip into my underwear, trailing their way around my waist. I feel him
stand and lean against me, like he is trying to make me let go of the railing.
I am obedient if I am anything. He has made me this way. I grip it for dear
life and anticipation of where it will all go.

In
the dim light I see his movements making shadows on the wall across from me.

A
blindfold is pulled over my head. The darkness is familiar. He moves around me
and sits on the bed. I think I'm standing between his legs. I can feel the heat
of him around the front of me and the heat of the fire behind me. I'm shivering
but I'm not cold in any way. He feels so large, like he's all around me,
encompassing me.

Something
brushes against my right nipple. I gasp. I think it's his finger tracing my
nipple through the rough lace of the bandeau.

I
falter in my ability to stand on my tiptoes. He thumbs my nipple until it
sticks out. Then his other hand finds my other one. He's flicking and lightly
squeezing both my nipples. He does it in a pattern that resonates through my
body. I'm squeezing my thighs together and biting my lips. His mouth caresses
my stomach. He kisses and trails his tongue up my abdomen. He flips the bandeau
down, I moan loudly. I don’t even know why. His mouth clamps down on my nipple
as his fingers continue the pinching and tugging of the other. He sucks and
licks in a swirling motion. My stomach tightens. I don’t know what's happening
but I'm getting lost in it all.

"Are
you going to come for me, Sarah? Before I even touch your pussy?" His
voice is warm against my wet nipple.

I
moan louder and squeeze my thighs so tight, I lose my grip.

"Come
for me baby." He sucks harder and tugs on my nipple. I orgasm. I let go of
the railing, twitching and crying out. I'm gripping his shoulders and head.

Instantly,
he's off the bed. My face is shoved into the soft blankets. I'm still breathing
heavy and confused. I can barely keep my mouth closed.

"I
told you to keep your hands there." He's pressed against me. One of his
hands is holding me against the bed, dragging up and down my back. He steps
back. I lie there and wait, breathing into the bedding.

I
hear him walking, making his shoes make noise against the floor. My eyes try
blinking against the blindfold. I don’t know what to expect. I'm terrified
about the paddles. My feet are clenching the floor in desperate protests.

His
hand touches my ass cheek again. I whimper.

I
jump when he rubs something cold against me. It's wide and I have no idea what
to expect.

"If
you struggle, I will hit you harder." His voice is ice. I'm clutching the
blanket and breathing into it. My jaw is trembling with terror and a perverse
idea of where this is going.

His
hand creeps along my underwear to my belly. He presses and then suddenly
something connects with my skin. I scream out. It stings but shocks more. It's
gone and then his hand presses into my stomach again and the metal cracks me on
the ass cheek. I've squirmed slightly. He pulls my hips, arching my back more.

"Touch
your toes together," he growls at me. I do it quickly. He pulls my butt
back further. The third strike hurts a bit but the vibration of the impact
against my groin makes my scream sound more like a moan. I never saw that
coming. The smacks mellow out but come more frequently. My stomach is
tightening again with every vibration the striking creates. Each smack vibrates
against my groin.

I
feel like I need to move in a thousand different ways but can't. He slows down
the rhythm.

"Faster."
I mutter breathlessly into the blanket.

He
chuckles, "No, no, no. You've had an orgasm. You don’t get another
one." The next hit is hard, it stings. I wince and suck my breath.

"That's
my girl." The next hit is the same. My butt starts to go numb to the heat
of the room but still stings. I hear the paddle drop. It makes the same sound
it did when he dropped it from paddling my feet.