The Lonely (29 page)

"ANSWER
ME, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DID YOU FUCK ME AND THINK ABOUT YOUR SISTER?"

My
ear is pressed into the phone but I know he's gone. He's hung up on me, again.
My tears are blocking my throat up. I'm wheezing and pacing. My heart is broken
in a thousand pieces. I crouch onto the ground and sit on my heels.

"Sarah?"
I look up. Stuart is pulled over on the side of the road. I laugh. I laugh hard
and psychotically.

He's
parked illegally and running across the street. He grabs my arm and lifts me.

"What
happened?" He looks concerned, but I just laugh.

He
takes my cell from my gripped hand and dials.

"Meet
me at the place I always park. She's upset." He hangs up.

I
laugh harder. He's called Eli. Eli who has made me dirty and yet somehow broken
my heart in it all.

Stuart
helps me across the street and into the SUV. He drives fast. He pulls up in
front of the dorms. Michelle is there. She looks worried.

Stuart
opens the door for me but I get out on my own. "I'm fine." I say.

Michelle
looks at Stuart with daggers but he shakes his head, "I don’t know."

"They
just keep fucking with me. They won't let it go." I turn and grab Stuart's
coat, "Thank you for everything. Don’t be offended if I don’t want a ride
or to see you. Please."

He
shakes his head, "I get it."

Michelle
puts a hand out for me. I look at it. I shake my head, "I can walk
alone." I hug myself and trek across the road and the snow-covered grass.

My
dorm is a haven. It's the only place I feel safe, with or without Shell. I curl
into my bed and turn on the TV. Shell comes into the room, watching me.

"I'm
fine." I say and turn on the Xbox.

"You're
clearly not fine. Spill." She sits in the way of the TV. I stare past her.
I can't let her see inside of me. I can't let her see what's in there and what
I have allowed to happen. What sick fetish filth I have let overcome me.

My
jaw trembles slightly. I know she can see me. She is the only one.

"He
doesn’t love me." I whisper.

"It's
more than that?"

"He
really sees me as his sister."

She
pauses and takes it in, "What do you mean?"

I
can't pull the words back. I've let them out. I'm panicking about the fact
she's processing them and I hate the things I have allowed. The things she will
see any second when she puts it altogether. She will see me for the weak girl I
am. But in the end I need someone. Someone I can process it with.

"Sarah,
what do you mean?" She presses me.

I
keep my eyes covered and continue, "He wanted me to be his sister, like he
sees me as her. When he saved me it was like he saved her. But when he punished
me, he was really punishing her. I am her." My head is twitching.

In
my peripheral I see her face. It's filled with the disgust I knew it would be.
"Sick bastard," she whispers.

I
close my eyes but feel her weight on the bed. She wraps around me and kisses my
forehead, "Forget him, withdraw from school and stop taking his money.
This isn’t worth it. You were better off with the lonely."

I
nod, "I know."

Shell
looks off into space and mutters, "I'm going to go kill him now. So I'll
be back and we can talk about this then."

I
grip her and shake my head, "No. Don’t leave."

"I
need him to bleed and suffer."

I
shake my head, "I let him do it. I let him punish me like I was her."
I've said too much.

Her
fingers dig into my arms, "What? You mean the therapy thing? I told you
that doctor was a quack. I knew it."

Tears
seep through the squeezed lids. "It's so much worse than that. When we had
sex, I let him spank me and be rough and punish me. I let him hurt me and be
rough with me." My voice has become nothing but a shell of what it once
was. I don’t have the bravery to talk to her aloud.

"He
hurt you? Sexually?"

I
suck my breath and nod, "I liked it. So much is wrong with me." I'm
heaving and shaking.

She
holds me, "Wait…so you… liked being dominated? Dude…everyone likes that."

I
shake my head, "I liked being spanked and held down." I'm so ashamed
but I'm grateful I can't see through the blinding tears.

She
pulls me back sharply. My eyes jerk open. She's smiling and fighting a giggle,
"Everyone likes that."

I
can't speak anymore.

"I
love being spanked. I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t ever want to discuss
it again, but you need to see. Everyone likes it. Those smutty books sell
because women wish their husbands had half the balls the men in those books
do."

I
stop. I think she's telling the truth, but I doubt its validity.

"You
aren’t a freak." Humor is spreading across her face. "Women enjoy a
paddling and a spanking and some biting. We all like safe games. The fantasy of
the roughness without the actual crime of being forced. Women like that. I read
those books and I wish I could meet a guy like that…a bad boy. A guy who spanks
me and makes it rough. Common fantasy."

I
swallow, it doesn’t lessen the pain.

"He
is the bad boy. The player. The rough and tough sex-freak. The one we all
want."

I
frown. "I don’t see him that way."

She
shakes her head, "No…you love him. You won't ever see any of his flaws.
Love is blind and you fell in love with the fantasy."

I
snort, "My fantasy is the normal I've always wanted. I don’t have the same
fantasy as the rest of you. I don’t want a bad boy, I want a normal guy."

She
stops gripping my arms and relaxes a bit, "There is no normal. I wish you
could see that. You are normal. Normal is being screwed up, but being able to
work with it and appear calm. My family had too many kids, I never got
attention. Now I'm an attention-seeking whore. I get that. I probably have
daddy issues, but I work with it. I have fun with it. Why not? Why not just
embrace the inner freak. So, you like bondage and spankings. Jesus. At least
you don’t like being peed on or having things shoved in your bum, 'cause
seriously, Dr. Oz says those muscles can relax and stop holding the poop
in."

I
laugh at her serious face when she says poop.

She
pulls me in and hugs me again, "Dude, I'm exhausted thinking about the
year you've had. You left the orphanage. You came to school, got abducted, fell
in love with two complete opposite boys and conquered the lonely. Now you've
learned you got some freakiness in ya. Well, so what. It's not so bad."
She sighs, "Can we just finish the year, screw Eli? Well not screw Eli,
but forget him. He wants you to be his sister, then be that. Be his sister that
hates him or could give a shit about him. That’s how I feel about my brothers.
Pieces of shit. Done."

I
nod against her, "Okay."

Her
forehead rests against mine, "Are we still on for your birthday though?
Cause we can bail. They'll get it."

I
shake my head, "I need it."

"Okay.
I'm in for whatever you are. What movie we watching tonight?"

"Amelie."
I say. She sighs, she hates subtitles.

"I'll
go get some chocolate. Lord knows I could use some." She stands up and
looks at me, "You know there isn’t a single thing wrong with you. Not one.
There isn’t anybody who deserves love and respect like you do." She leaves
the room and I let her words be true. I push the power button on the phone to
turn it off and leave it alone.

Class
was boring. I take a deep breath of fresh air, walking down the path, grateful
to be out in it. The snow is still falling but I don’t care.

"Does
winter ever end here?"

I
laugh at Shell and shake my head, "I know right." I glance at her and
nudge her, "You sure you want to do this?" I ask.

She
nods, "I guess so hey. Can't make you go alone and be the only skinny girl
who sucks ass."

I
laugh. We walk over to the bus stop. Stuart watches us. I can see the look in
his eyes, but I don’t meet them. We climb on the bus. I see her watching him
out the window. She misses him. "Just call him."

She
looks at me, "What?" She knows what.

I
smirk, "Just call him. He's the best guy in the whole world. Trust me. I'm
not a trusting person. I trust him."

She
raises an eyebrow, "You are the worst judge of character ever."

"True.
I'm friends with you."

She
laughs and nudges me, "Let's just get this embarrassment over with.

The
bus ride is loud and gross. My OCD is not gone. Clearly. I'm thinking about
just throwing out my pants when we get off, and hate the feel of my hand on the
rail in front of me.

"We
need a car dude." I sigh.

She
nods, "Yeah. This is gross."

My
eyes are fixed. I can't look around me at the people on the bus. I'll never eat
again. Someone coughs and clears their throat. My eyes widen.

"I
see you." Shell whispers into me. I shake my head, "No you
don’t."

"It's
okay. Just do it. I want some too."

The
hand sani is out of my pocket and dumping the cool liquid on both of us before
I've taken a breath. The smell of the cinnamon and gingerbread man is soothing.
I slosh it around on my hands. I take deep breaths and just feel the tingly
sensation. It calms me.

I'm
losing it. Shell leans in again.

"Wanna
hear about the first time I ever got spanked." She whispers, almost
silently. The shock of her sentence stops my panic attack.

"Remember
two years ago when I went on the senior class trip with Angela and Jessica and
Brianna?"

I
nod keeping my eyes shut.

"Well,
we spent all our money on clothes and shit. It was our last night in Austria.
We wanted to get drunk but we had no cash. So we decided to look for a mark.
Someone who would buy us drinks all night long. We were sitting in this bar
downtown, about a block from out hotel. We couldn’t decide on who to use. The
guys in the bar were young and hot but they all had pretty girls or just didn’t
look interested. Then in walks this guy. He was in a pilot's uniform and looked
like fucking James Bond. He was so beautiful and sexy and confident. He strolls
up to the bar and orders a drink. I point and say 'him'."

I
smile. I can see it so clearly.

"So
the girls are like 'no way, he's too posh and shit.' But you know me. So I walk
up, right next to him and climb on a stool. I get on my knees and lean across
the bar. I almost stick my ass right in his face. The bartender comes over and
I say, 'you got any Rolling Stones?' The bartender looks confused and turns and
changes the music. I totally pick the Stones 'cause they're sexy and older,
like Bond. I figure he's like thirty-five or forty. Anyway, Paint It Black
starts playing. I slink off the barstool and go sit down. Brianna smirks and
swears there is no way he's coming over. But I am the master. He strolls over
with a tray of shots and we get trashed with him."

I
laugh. "You are Ballsey."

"I
am ballsey. So the night progressed. We got so drunk and had a ton of fun and
did a ton of dancing. Pretty soon everyone wanted in on the action. But I was
having fun with Mr. Bond. He and I snuck off to his hotel room. We made out in
the elevator, he ripped my skirt."

I'm
starting to feel the scene with her. Her breathing picks up slightly as she
tells it.

"So
we got in the room. He undressed and damn. Hot. OMG hot. We were getting it on
hard and then suddenly he pushed me down on the bed and I felt this hard slap
on my ass. Not what I was expecting. At all. Needless to say it went well. I
almost died of humiliation and the bizarre love I had for that moment. Anyway,
I left and that’s the first time I ever got spanked."

I
smirk, "Did you tell the girls?"

"Yeah,
I did. What I never told them was that after we finished, he put a ring on his
wedding finger. My stomach almost dropped dude. I was so upset. I literally
like almost cried. I said 'you're married' and he says 'yeah, of course I am. I
have kids older than you. I'm fifty-six-years old'."

I
open my eyes and shoot a look at her, "What?"

Her
face is beet red and pained, "Yeah. Fifty-six. I've had sex, and I mean
nasty spank-my-nipples dirty sex, with an old man. A man who was ten years
older than my dad. It was humiliating and I have never told a single person
that story. No one ever knew. I let him use me and you know what, it's still
the best sex I have ever had." She sighs, "Senior citizen sex. So
humiliating."

I
lean in and hug her and kiss her cheek, "Thank you."