The Best Friend (33 page)

Her words echoed through his head.
Do the right thing.
When was the last time he did the right thing for anyone besides himself? And how could Helen know what the right thing was? How could he? He wasn’t trying to hurt Gretchen. But neither did he know if he was truly willing to accept all the responsibility and baggage accompanying her. Helen suddenly started wheezing and coughing. Closing her eyes, she waited as the silent oppression of imminent death returned.

****

The knock at her front door startled Gretchen out of her haze. She was trying to catch up on the patient files from work, having neglected them of late between the prolonged evenings with Helen and looking after Olivia. She saw Tony less and less, although he continued to take Olivia after school more often. His help and simple presence were lifesavers, but she still couldn’t get all of her work done.

The crappy part was: she didn’t much care. All she could think about were Helen and Olivia.

When she answered the door, she almost fell over. Lindsey smiled, stepping forward to support Gretchen before she nearly toppled over with exhaustion into the other woman’s arms. Luckily, Lindsey was only a few inches shorter than she, and had the strength to hold her upright.

After they separated, Lindsey smiled as she squeezed Gretchen’s arm, “So, I take it you’re a little overwhelmed these days.”

She smiled gratefully as they separated before stepping back. “Understatement. I’m… well, I don’t even have words to describe what I am. What are you doing here?”

“I could tell by your voice on the phone that this was getting to be too much. I decided you needed me for a change. You saved me not so long ago, and it’s finally time for me to repay that.”

“Meaning…?”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll stay with you for a little while, and help out with Olivia, Helen, Tony… whatever you need.”

“Thank you, I can’t believe you would do that for me.”

“Why? You’re everyone’s best friend, and mine, literally. Why would you be surprised not to find everyone you know rallying around you when you finally needed help? It’s not often, Gretchen, that you need it.”

She smiled appreciatively. “Not the first time I’ve heard that. And it’s driven more than one man away.”

“How about our one-armed hero? Does it intimidate him?”

She tilted her head, pondering Lindsey’s take on her personality. “No. Surprisingly, I don’t believe it does. And you should probably just call him Tony.”

She grinned cheekily. “I cannot wait to meet this man.”

“Yeah, well, how is yours? He’s okay with you leaving to babysit me?”

Her smiled dimmed. “You know he’d never have an issue about anything I did for you. That is, if you want my help. I don’t have to stay.”

She stepped back so Lindsey could pass, dragging her suitcase behind her. “I can’t tell you how much I could use the help.”

“Besides, I love Olivia. It will be a pleasure.” Lindsey met Olivia on one of the occasions when she visited.

“She’s a different little girl now,” Gretchen warned quietly.

Lindsey nodded. “She’s too young to have changed already.”

“I know.”

Lindsey touched her elbow. “It’s a good thing, what you’re doing.”

“I never expected to be so bad at handling it.”

“It’s not bad to be overwhelmed by a tragic illness while becoming an adoptive mother at the same time. You’re human, Gretchen, not a saint. I think you need to remind yourself of that sometimes.”

Lindsey’s help far exceeded Gretchen’s expectations, and Gretchen wasn’t sure how to thank her. She helped with all the chores that Gretchen never could quite get done. She picked up the slack and began shuttling Olivia around, thereby freeing Gretchen up to work more.

When Lindsey returned home after a few weeks, Gretchen began to flounder again without her help. Even with Tony, Leila and Tracy assisting in any way they could, it wasn’t nearly enough to make up for what Olivia was losing, and therefore, what Gretchen was failing to provide. It also struck Gretchen with startling, scary clarity that she wasn’t sure she could manage all of Olivia’s care on her own. What if she could not take care of Olivia? Not on her own. How could she have signed up for this? Her stomach ache was a constant thing now that never left.

****

“They’re moving Helen into hospice.”

Tony froze at his computer when Gretchen came up behind him. His mother must have let her in. Turning, he immediately got up and tried to comfort her. Her face crumpled as she fell into him. He held her against his chest, rubbing her back. She nuzzled her face into her favorite spot, right at the base of his neck and shoulder.

Clutching his shirt, she sputtered out, “She’s going to die soon. I need to get over there and help Helen, and take Olivia. It’s… not going to be very much longer.”

“How is Olivia?”

“Not okay. She is so lost and confused. She watches her grandmother with clear confusion and pain in her eyes. She knows technically what’s wrong, but she doesn’t really understand it. Or that she won’t see her grandmother ever again. And pretty soon, she’ll be gone forever. She doesn’t really get it.”

She leaned back to look up into his eyes. “It won’t be long now. Things… will soon be changing.”

Tony’s heart squeezed. He didn’t want anything to change. Especially, not between Gretchen and him. He liked being with her. He liked getting up in the morning for the first time since losing his arm. He looked forward to things, when he didn’t for so long.

Now, she was going to be the primary caretaker of a little girl who was about to be devastated by grief. The fun, the sex, and the dating they were now enjoying didn’t fit into that picture. He didn’t fit into that picture.  But Gretchen never seemed to get it, which was one of the reasons, he supposed, he responded so differently to her than he did to anyone else. She expected things of him, despite the missing arm, where other people just excused him.

The thing was: he couldn’t be a lame boyfriend without a job, or a car, or a home of his own, much less, the prospects of any of those. She didn’t care; but finally, he did.

“Can I do anything?”

“Hold me,” she said softly, her breath feeling warm on his neck. Her head was turned and resting on his shoulder.

He wished he could stay there for the rest of her life as easily as it was now.

****

The offer came via an old-fashioned phone call. After Tony hung up, he just sat there as if shell-shocked once more. He didn’t move for ten minutes, staring at the shifting screen saver which was moving lazily around the monitor.

He’d been offered a damn job.

He didn’t know what the hell to do now. A job. Him. Tony Lindstrom. It had been a long while since he had a real anything. He could never succeed in the civilian world. Or could he? Sometimes, he felt so far removed from the typical, normal, average person, he didn’t know if he could ever be what he should be again.

It was from former Air Force Major, John Raymond, who now ran the nonprofit nationally recognized,
Hero!Fund
, which was based out of Washington D.C., raising money, which they then distributed through a plethora of deserving veteran charities and organizations. They did anything from placing veterans in the work force, to research for prosthetics, helping vets with PTSD, and even fund-raising for more unilateral free mental health services for all veterans. There was nothing the
Hero!Fund
would say no to if they deemed it a worthy cause, and one which could improve or enrich veterans’ lives. They were recognized by the Department of Veterans Affairs as one of the top earning charitable organizations, and were widely sought out by others. The name was bit cheesy for Tony’s taste, but their reputation was the best in the business. They wanted Tony to be their new “face.” He would be featured on their website front page: the happy, one-armed, employed veteran. He would be assigned to speaking engagements and handle the PR for the organization. He was, John Raymond said, the best man to represent the Army in years. So naturally, they wanted him to come to their corporate offices and work.

In Washington D.C.

He had recently considered moving into an apartment a mile or so away from his parents in Calliston. He was mustering up the damn gumption to do so. To get a license… and drive a car… and perhaps, amp up the speech-writing stuff that people seemed to like so much. He more than once considered doing all this, but hadn’t yet done any of it.

Should he move across the country into a city he’d never even visited?
Huh. No. Wow.
Where was this coming from? How could he manage to garner attention from clear across the country? All of it stemming from one elementary school, spur-of-the-moment, little speech he gave? It just didn’t compute in his mind that it could really lead to so much more. A job offer. And a good job offer, an impressive and important job offer, without even applying. It seemed crazy to imagine.

How could he do it?

How could he refuse it?

After all he failed to do for the last few years, and all the opportunities he wasted, and the caring people he hurt while doing nothing and stewing in his anger, how could he ever contemplate
not
doing it? Doing something of value and meaning that actually exploited his injury in a way that was positive, and for the betterment of others? Others who suffered much more than he. He finally reached a place where he could remember he was indeed alive, and he did have another arm, and two legs, which functioned perfectly. He finally started to remember how lucky he was, too.

It solved everything. He would leave and be gone. He would be forced to re-enter the world and come out of hiding. He’d have to actually live in the regular world and with one arm. He’d finally have to make a real life, one that included accepting his handicap, but no longer feeling helpless and unable to do anything.

And it would get him away from Gretchen. The one thing he knew, absolutely
knew
right down to the marrow of his bones, was that he wasn’t ready for the kind of life Gretchen was living. He wasn’t ready to be a father figure to a traumatized little girl. He wasn’t ready to be leaned on by a woman who was facing motherhood for the first time.

He was literally barely months out of even leaving his bed to do anything. He just… couldn’t be all those things. Not now, and maybe not ever.

But he finally had something decent to do everyday, something that mattered a damn. There weren’t too many people or things that still mattered to him: Gretchen, Olivia, his parents and Donny. Perhaps, Donny’s kid. But the rest, the fancy cars and big houses, and the pursuit of the American dream…  were now things he just couldn’t relate to anymore. He didn’t get it. He didn’t even like it. He wasn’t sure he even wanted the American dream.

However, the concept of maybe trying to help others, those who saw and dreamed and suffered as he did, and continued to, wasn’t over yet. That’s what most people missed. Just because he was home, and out of the military, everything he saw and endured and experienced, were the very things that made up his personality now. They were not simply over and done just because he no longer wore the uniform.

But in a way, this could give him a semblance of that.

He sighed deeply and sat down to further explore the organization that could finally pry him out of his parents’ damn basement, and also away from Gretchen.

Chapter Twenty-One

Gretchen lay across Tony with her hair fanned out over his chest. She traced a finger up and down his stomach. It still made him smile when she mentioned how well toned his chest was. That she could look at him without seeing the sawed-off limb as her focal point stumped him. She liked studying his many stomach muscles while ignoring his amputation. It was a rare, quiet Sunday morning. Olivia was with Helen and the nurse. Gretchen didn’t often leave them alone for long. Olivia was becoming impossible to pry away from Helen, and the toll it took on Gretchen was affecting her physically. She’d lost weight and her eyes were ringed in purplish half moons. She also didn’t smile as much.

She didn’t much feel like having sex, so Tony didn’t press her. He understood. Although he never could have if grief hadn’t done the same goddamned thing to him. He finally realized his lack of interest in sex wasn’t because he was a freak and embarrassed about his missing arm. No, it was because he still grieved over his former persona, and who he was previously, the lost image of the man he once embodied. The crusty, old, kind of brilliant, Dr. Hart might have been helpful in bringing him to that realization.

So he didn’t pressure Gretchen, but simply let her show him what she wanted from him.

Today, it was his physical presence, and silence. She lay against him, practically holding on for dear life. Lifting her chin, she slid her head over his chest until she made eye contact with him.

“This is so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be.”

“No one could prepare for it.”

“That’s true. Maybe I kind of knew it would be like this. I tried to resist Helen when she first approached me; but then, I couldn’t really deny her.”

“Do you want to? In all honesty, do you really want to do this?”

She sucked in a breath before a small smile curled her lips. “Leave it to you to never be wishy-washy about things. Yes, I want to do this. I really want to have Olivia if Helen can’t. I just didn’t know it would be such a backbreaking endeavor. I have never been so exhausted in my whole life. Even Vickie stopped asking me for help and began inquiring how I’m doing.”

He coughed discreetly. “She replaced you with Donny.”

“Did he say that?”

“He mentioned she’s becoming quite difficult. He tries to blame it on the pregnancy, but well, we all can see it’s not.”

She slid her face back down so he couldn’t see her expression and he felt her swallow. She waited a long moment before she asked, “What is it? You’re holding something back from me. I’ve sensed it for a while. What do you want to tell me, but don’t think I can handle?”