The Best Friend (37 page)

“Yeah. Balancing what is with what I wish it was?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, Jessie.”

She shrugged. “Thank Gretchen, she first taught me that.”

He sighed. “She taught me that too.”

****

Tony left on a Wednesday. Gretchen drove him to the small airport a few hours away where he’d catch a commuter flight to San Francisco and right on out to his final destination. Will and Jessie were driving behind them in a rental car. Tony said his goodbyes to everyone, even his parents, at the house. All the while, Gretchen stood by stoically while they embraced and shared loving comments. Gretchen drove because Tony still didn’t drive. It was impossible to imagine how he’d learn to navigate in a new city by himself, without a car, when he had never lived alone with just one arm. The anxiety started to build up in his chest. The desire to simply turn around and rush downstairs, back into the basement, was strong, which was why he enlisted Will. No way could he act like that under Will’s observation. Will’s presence would force him to proceed.

Gretchen’s, however, would have the reverse effect.

The ride was quiet with only a few idle comments, and fewer smiles. The atmosphere was taut with unmet expectations. And grief. And things that should have been said. But how did one say it all?

Will and Jessie hung back after getting checked in with their tickets. They stowed the luggage Tony couldn’t carry on. Finally, it was time for him to proceed through the security.

He turned toward Gretchen and she blinked back hot tears from her limpid, green eyes. She dabbed at them with the backs of her hands.

“I swore I would not do this.”

He dropped his bags, stepping forward to pull her against him. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head and leaned back to bring her hands up and smooth his collar. She kept her gaze firmly there. “No. Don’t be. I’m so proud of you. For getting this job. For everything. I’m just going to miss you so damn much.”

“I’ll come back when things with Helen…”

She leaned into him. “Yes, I know you will.”

He took in a deep, shuddering breath. Her voice sounded weird. It was weak and weary and so unlike Gretchen. For once, he was the strong link between them. It didn’t sit well with him, however. Leaving her was as hard as he dreaded. He wanted it to be over. Yet he couldn’t stand letting her go. He wanted to change his mind. And go home.

He kissed her and finally slid his hand from around her waist, “I’ll call you, and all that, when we land.”

She didn’t register his conciliatory words. Tears rolled down her face. “I love you,” she whispered.

He leaned in and whispered it back to her and would have sworn he could feel her clutching his bicep as if holding herself up. Finally, she let go and turned away from him. Jessie came forward and hugged her as she waved for Tony to go.
Now
. He got her message.

He felt like puking as he glanced back one more time and Gretchen slowly started down the corridor with Jessie guiding her.

Will was quiet for a long while. After they were at their gate, just sitting there, watching the plane jockeying around, Will leaned forward. “It’s hard. But it’ll get easier.”

Tony stared out the window. “It was never that hard to leave Audrey.”

Will smiled sadly, “It was never that hard for me to leave Gretchen.”

Tony frowned and glanced at Will sharply, “My girlfriend now, you know.”

He nodded. “Yeah, but it was that hard for me to leave Jessie. My point is: feelings like this can survive temporary separations. Years even. Mine did. And yours can.”

He shook his head and frowned, looking puzzled. “That’s oddly… comforting. Even if it makes you a total dickhead about Gretchen.”

Will nodded. “It does. But it is what it is.”

He stared for a few moments before admitting, “I missed being friends with you.”

Will slapped his shoulder. “Yeah? Well, friendships like ours managed to survive all the separations too, now didn’t they?”

He nodded and finally smiled. “Yeah, they sure as shit did.”

As he boarded the plane, his stomach cramped with indecision. Should he really be doing this? Leaving the damn state? And Gretchen? But Jessie’s words rang true in his head. Gretchen showed him how to live with his handicap, and now it was time to prove that he could. In a way, she was exactly right; she was the catalyst for him to finally get better, and now, he was leaving her because of it.

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Helen?” Gretchen lifted her head and clutched at Helen’s hand. It felt odd. Gretchen frantically touched her fingertips around Helen’s wrist looking for a pulse. Nothing. Gretchen yelled for the nurse. She came in and quickly assessed Helen. She shook her head finally, confirming what Gretchen’s cramping stomach already knew: Helen was dead.

Helen died in her sleep on a dreary Monday afternoon in May. The nurse had called Gretchen at work and she had gotten to Helen just in time. Helen had not been conscious for several days. Gretchen lowered her head as tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks. She sobbed against Helen’s body, free to finally release her long restrained tears. The nurse left the room, giving her some privacy. There was no Tony. No Olivia. And no one to see her. So she cried and cried, preparing to face Olivia’s tears. Olivia’s sadness. Olivia’s needs.
Olivia.

Gretchen cried for a half hour over the lost life of Helen, and the little girl she was about to gain.

Olivia was at school, and Gretchen did not pull her out. She picked her up as usual, and drove her to their condo. Then, just like Tony did with her the previous month, she sat her down and destroyed her innocence.

Olivia dropped like an anvil into Gretchen and agonizing tears soon had her convulsing so much that Gretchen feared she’d have to sedate her. There was no way to console her. Or convince her that she would live through this and eventually, find peace. There was nothing Gretchen could do to alleviate her distress.

And now, she had to figure out how to help Olivia say goodbye to the only mother she ever knew.

Drizzle was falling all around them. The cemetery plot had a twenty-by-twenty portable cover above the casket, protecting it as well as a few rows of chairs that were closest. Gretchen was gripping Olivia’s hand as they stood near what would have been Helen’s feet. Olivia would not sit down, no matter how often Gretchen suggested it, or tried to insist. She simply refused to leave her grandmother’s casket. The newly dug hole was only feet away from her tiny, black patent-leather shoes. Dirt was smudged on her white tights. She stared down into the open hole. Gretchen wondered what she was thinking and what was going through her head. Did she understand what happened? The minister was eloquent, speaking in soft, soothing tones that added dignity to the passages he read and the prayers he said. Soon, one of the funeral attendants brought around a bucket of roses for everyone to throw on Helen’s casket. Gretchen again brushed her knuckles over her wet eyes. She didn’t even wear makeup. There was no point. The tears would have long smeared or wiped it away. She shifted her weight, and her high heels sliced and sunk into the soggy grass. Gretchen squeezed the tissue in her hand to restrain a gulping sob that was lodged in her throat.

Life was so unfair.

Quite a crowd of people showed up. Helen’s coworkers, several neighbors, and even some of the hospital personnel. She remained a kind, courteous lady to the end, striving so hard to survive on her granddaughter’s behalf. It was hard to not feel love for her if you knew her.

Unfortunately, Tony had a previous speaking engagement and couldn’t get out of it. He intended to come tomorrow. That was too late. Gretchen immediately banished the thought, and told herself it was being petty and unfair. His sympathy and sincerity was heartfelt, even over the phone. He talked to Gretchen for over an hour, as well as Olivia. But it still wasn’t enough. There was no one who could help her. Or comfort her. There was only a disembodied voice.

Olivia suddenly sank down to her knees, right next to the edge of the casket. A velvet rope, like those used in movie theaters, was strung around it as a kind of makeshift handrail to keep people back, but Olivia crawled under it on her hands and knees.

Gretchen gasped, “Olivia! Honey, stop!”

The entire funeral paused as the crowds’ eyes watched Olivia. She scrambled towards the coffin, apparently intending to cross the grassy knoll and go directly onto her grandmother’s casket. Gretchen dropped to her knees, and her nylons were instantly soaked on the wet, muddy grass. She reached towards Olivia who still eluded her grasp.

Gretchen started to struggle back up, but her skirt hampered her movements. Her heart was thumping in her throat. Olivia! What if she actually got on top of the casket? Or fell into the opening? It was horrifying to contemplate. It would frighten her. And scar her. And make a terrible, tragic loss so much worse.

Out of nowhere, a hand gripped her bicep nearly lifting her up. She turned her head and her breath whooshed out from her lungs. Tears streamed down her face.
Tony.
He was there. His phenomenal, freaky, one-handed grip literally lifted her off the wet ground from where she fell in pursuit of Olivia.

He wore a dark suit, and his hair was pulled back. “I’ll get her.”

He turned without another word, and ducked under the rope before sitting down right in the grass beside where Olivia kneeled, dangling his feet over the side of the grave. He almost looked as if he were about to dip his feet into the water beneath a boat dock without a care in the world. The crowd looked on, with shock.

Gretchen scooted closer, so she could hear them. Tony simply sat there for a few long moments. His left side was to Olivia so he couldn’t touch her easily. She seemed to realize this and slowly, her shoulders relaxed as she realized he wasn’t going to grab her.

“It’s hard, huh? Letting her go?”

Olivia waited a moment before finally nodding her head up and down. Tony was quiet for another minute or two. Eventually, Olivia whispered, “I just don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want her to go down there where I can’t see her again.”

Tony nodded. “I know it seems that way. But she’s not in there anymore. She’s not in that coffin. That’s just her tired body, which can no longer serve her. Who she is to you, and her love for you has now moved directly into your heart, Olivia. You hold it there and keep it safe.”

She glanced down at her small chest and Gretchen’s entire body froze.
Tony?
The sweet, innocent sentiment was so unlike what she expected. Kind of like his speech writing.

“Really? Is that really what happens?” Olivia finally asked.

“Sure. You don’t need to worry about that casket being in the hole. That’s just a place to keep Helen safe forever. And so you’ll know where she’s at. But her essence, and her love and her soul, and all that made her who she was to you, is now safely buried in your heart.”

“This place will keep her safe?”

“Yes, so you’ll never lose her.”

Olivia’s face scrunched up, but finally, she nodded. “I guess that’s okay… to know where she’s at.”

“Yes, it’s much better to know. Can I take you out of here now, Olivia? Will you let me pick me you up?”

She nodded towards his body. “How? Your arm is gone.”

He smiled slowly and Gretchen’s entire body froze and shook at the tender, loving smile he bestowed on Olivia. “I don’t need two arms to take care of you.”

He got onto his feet, and his butt was stained and wet from the grass. Reaching down, he effortlessly scooped her up to his chest and higher, until her body hugged his trunk. Olivia started crying again as she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. She buried her head into his neck and the wracking sobs that came out of her body sounded like a trapped, wounded animal. Tony shook his head at Gretchen when she tried to reach out for Olivia. He simply stood there and let the little girl sob into his shirt.

The minister finally lowered his head and said a hopeful prayer before everyone slowly got up and dropped a rose on Helen’s grave. There was an added solemnity to the atmosphere, however, after Olivia’s tragic outburst. Gretchen’s family came over to Olivia and engulfed her with their embraces. Gretchen started crying when her own father took her into his arms to comfort her.

How could she manage this? The burden of raising Olivia suddenly crashed down on Gretchen like a bag of concrete in her gut. She was now totally responsible for making sure Olivia’s life wasn’t ruined by the loss of her primary caregiver, and essentially, the only mother she had ever known. It was too much. She couldn’t do it. She’d ruin Olivia as well as herself. She wasn’t enough for Olivia.

“Gretchen.” The voice was soft and kind, but stern behind her. She slowly withdrew her arms from around her father. He was so soothing to her, just like Tony was with Olivia.

Olivia’s face eventually lifted. She was calming down, her sobs were over, and her tears came intermittently with little coughs. She still clung tightly to Tony. Gretchen’s father stepped forward to take Olivia from Tony. His arm had to be killing him as there was no relief from her weight on it. Olivia let Gretchen’s father take her.

Tony then stepped closer to Gretchen and held her against him.

“I’m sorry I’m a little late,” he whispered as he kissed her just above her ear, leaving his lips in her hair.

She clutched his shoulders, and her fingernails nearly dug into his skin. She needed him so much. Her bones felt rubbery and wobbly, like she couldn’t hold up her body weight.

She couldn’t do this
. That’s all she knew. Starkly. She could not take care of this little, needy, hurt girl. This child whose entire life was now hers to ruin. She couldn’t have talked her away from the casket. Not like Tony just did. Not like she should have known what to do. Holy Christ. She was so out of her realm. Professionally, she often handled the kind of grief and emotions Olivia was experiencing. Yet when it mattered; when it was a child she loved, she couldn’t seem to tap into her training or capabilities to properly and effectively handle Olivia. The irony was not lost on Gretchen. She was a child therapist who didn’t seem to know how to council her new ward.