The Best Friend (36 page)

He was flabbergasted by her reaction and patted her back awkwardly. Finally, she leaned back and cupped his chin. “I never dreamed you’d be capable, or ready, or even willing to ever work again. It means that everything we endured finally worked.”

“You heard about the moving part?” Wasn’t that the reason his mother threw herself at him in tears of unhappiness?

“Yes. Of course, I will miss you. But remember, Tony, I spent a decade with you across the country and the world, and half of that time, you were in extreme danger too. So it’s not like it’s something I’m not used to already.  I just never dreamed you’d ever leave long enough so I
could
miss you. Don’t you see what this means?”

He scratched his head. “Uh, no. Gretchen, and the website, and all my speaking engagements, and when I actually left the house… none of those clued you in that I was progressing forward? And this does?”

She nodded vigorously. “Yes. This does. What about Gretchen?”

“We’re going to try it long distance.”

Leila sat back with a huff. “Well, I guess I can give her a chance then.”

He smiled slowly, “Yeah, that would be most appreciated.”

“When? When are you doing this?”

“One week.”

Leila nodded. “Well, there must be a ton of stuff we have to do. Let’s get started. Oh, and tell your dad and Donny. We’ll have to plan a going away party. Oh, let me grab a pen and paper…”

He stared, open-mouthed, and in shock as she started listing off all the things that needed to happen before the end of the week.

****

“I know this is hard to understand.” Tony was finishing up his lame speech to Olivia. They sat on a park bench on the warm April day, engulfed in a riot of flowers that were blooming everywhere. The sun was balmy and the new blossoms softened the harsh edge of the landscaping. She was eating an ice cream cone Tony bought for her, mostly out of guilt, before he even started to explain he would be leaving her in one week.

“You’re leaving me too?” she finally asked, after being silent for a full minute, her ice cream cone now forgotten in her hand.  It dripped, and the tracks of it ran down her wrist and sleeve.

He leaned over and took the melting cone from her before throwing it in the trash behind her. He got up, traded sides, so his arm was beside her and he could hold her next to him. “It’s not like your grandma going away. I’ll be okay, and I’ll be back.”

She stiffened. Her little, skinny body strained and pulled away from him. “But it won’t be the same. You won’t be here. You won’t be there after school anymore then, will you? Where am I supposed to go? What about me?”

“Y-you’ll go back to Gretchen’s office, just like before.”

“Before you, you mean. It was fine then. I didn’t know any better. But now, I don’t want to sit around waiting for her to talk to sad kids. I want to come here and be with you.”

He shut his eyes at the intense pain her simple words instilled in his chest.
I want to be with you.
So simple and so innocent. It seemed so long since anyone wanted to just be with him. But then again, it sounded a lot like what Gretchen said. Pressure lodged in his chest, and a knot of anxiety climbed up his throat. He was not expecting to encounter so much of either. Olivia. Gretchen. Helen. He didn’t want to be their savior or answer to anything or anyone. He was barely ready to move out of his parents’ house. That was a far damn cry from being a fill-in father to this needy, eight-year-old girl.

Perhaps, she was something he could eventually grow used to. But not yet.

Olivia’s big, blue eyes were soggy and sad as she stared up at him. He almost felt as if he stole her favorite toy or destroyed her faith in Santa.

“Olivia, honey, I’ll be back. I’ll come visit you and Gretchen. It will be different, but I promise, I will be back.”

She suddenly hopped onto her feet. “I don’t believe you! I think you’re lying. I think you’re leaving us and won’t ever come back. I think you’re too afraid to tell me that. I hate you now. I wish I’d never, ever, met you!”

She spun around and ran off towards the playground equipment. He jumped onto his feet and ran after her. “Olivia!” he yelled, his voice sharp with annoyance and anxiety. He didn’t like her running off and unattended in the park. He didn’t like seeing how angry she was. He didn’t like knowing how much he was hurting her.

“Olivia, wait! Now. Stop!” He commanded her and his voice lost any trace of niceness. He yelled like he would have at a soldier before running even faster after her. She ducked behind some trees that separated Gretchen’s condo complex from the park.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he got around the trees. There, she sat on her tush with her legs against her small chest, both arms clutching them while she buried her head on top of them. Convulsive sobs made her shoulders jerk up and down. His heart collapsed. He rushed forward and dropped down to his knees beside her, pulling her sobbing, little form against him. Big, wet tears fell off her face and gooey snot ran freely into her mouth before she wiped it all on his shirt.

He patted her back and rubbed her shoulders. “Hey, hey now. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, honey. I’m here. Everything’s okay.”

He paused from patting her as his repetitive chant suddenly registered. He was promising the same banal platitudes that he, himself, hated to hear. How could he sit there now and spout it into her ear?

Of course, he knew the answer. He said it because he felt helpless seeing this little girl’s unbearable pain. Pain that went far beyond just being over him. It was as deep as his own once was. He realized now, while holding Olivia, that his pain was no longer like hers. His was… adjusting, and he was finally, marginally better. But that was wholly due to Gretchen and this little girl, now sobbing before him. He couldn’t stand seeing her tears. It ripped his heart out and shredded the last of his calm reserve. He could not sit there without trying to comfort her, and calm her, and make her believe it would be better… if only for a moment. He loved her too much not to try.

Leaning closer, he tucked a chunk of her messy, dark hair behind her ear as he patted her head and wiped her wet face. This little girl who never once looked at him oddly, or cared, or even noticed he was missing an arm. She readily shared her daily goings on, as well as her life with him as if he were her best friend. Somehow, having her totally guileless friendship helped heal something in Tony, that perhaps no one else could ever have touched.

“It. Will. Be. Okay.” His tone was authoritative. He held her attention when he said it. Her tears receded and she sniffed before finally stopping them, although her lips still trembled, and the occasional sob-like hiccup popped out of her mouth like an aftershock.

“Do you promise?” she asked her small, high voice enough to pierce through steel armor. He clutched her closer to his heart.

“I promise.” There was simply nothing left to do but keep his promise to her. No matter what he had to do, or how long it would take.

“My grandma is dying,” she whispered into his shirt.

“Yes, Liv, I’m afraid she is. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want her to leave me too.” The simplicity of her statement instantly made him feel as helpless as he did the morning he woke up and realized his left arm had been amputated. He never thought anything could make him feel so helpless again. Turns out, he was wrong. This little girl managed to do just that to him.

She lifted her face to look up at him with her blue eyes almost fluid in feelings. “Do you promise to come back?”

“I promise I’ll come back. Do you remember what I said about my promises?”

Olivia’s blue eyes widened as she nodded in earnestness. “You said you always keep them.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I always keep them. You can count on that.”

****

Gretchen met them at her front door when they arrived. She clasped Olivia to her tightly after quickly scanning her face. It was obvious Olivia had been crying. She met Tony’s eyes over Olivia. He shook his head, but his grave expression told her what she already expected. More heartache. More tears. More devastation. She nearly fell to the floor on her knees. It was too much of a burden. Olivia. Tony. Helen. Death. Leaving. Not more than a year ago, she’d been living relatively isolated, but stable, and her life was pretty predicable. It was a little stale, perhaps, but never anything like this. It didn’t feel so broken.

The freaking kicker was: she chose it all. She chose to adopt Olivia. She almost chose to fall in love with Tony, after the first night with him, which was better than anything she’d felt in a decade.

She chose the ensuing heartache because the depth and joy and love it brought into her life was well worth it. Even now, as she wearily wondered if she could continue doing it.

“Should we paint your room today? I bought the shade of purple you wanted. I thought maybe we could do some multi-colored handprints on the walls after we paint. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Olivia nodded her head up and down on Gretchen’s chest, and Gretchen’s heart swelled. Olivia always tried to respond to her suggestions cheerfully. As if Olivia even cared about her “new” room. It wasn’t as much fun to decorate a new room when it meant your beloved grandmother was dead. But distractions were all Gretchen could think of to get her through this.

Tony stepped inside and grabbed Olivia’s hand. “Well, why don’t you show me what shade of purple you picked? I can only do one-sided handprints though.”

Olivia finally cracked her first smile at him. “That’s okay. I like having your one better than anyone else’s two.”

Gretchen’s heart heaved and ached. How could an eight-year-old so easily capture Gretchen’s love and soul with one simple sentence?

Chapter Twenty-Four

Tony didn’t have a huge amount of stuff to pack, just clothes and some personal items. He’d buy whatever he needed after he arrived and got set up. The organization was scouting out an apartment already.

The Lindstrom house remained full all week. This time, however, Will and his family stayed with Leila and Lewis. Donny and Vickie hung out as much as time would allow. Gretchen, of course, was there whenever she wasn’t with Helen and Olivia. It was a far different feeling now than the nine months previous. Tony smiled and chatted and joined in all the conversations. He wasn’t separate. He wasn’t a problem. He was just one of them again.

He eyed Jessie as she was taping up a box for him. It would be flown at the expense of
Hero!Fund
.

After an hour of working together, quietly, with very few comments, Tony cleared his throat, causing Jessie to glance up. “So, I was wondering…uh, you know, that stuff in Mexico…”

She stilled and her face changed. “Yes?” she prompted when he didn’t speak.

“Did you, I mean, do you ever get over it?”

She leaned back on her heels and smiled slowly. “Yes. No. Both. I got better. But I’m not like other women when it comes to certain things. I used to cut myself in order to deal with it. I’m better now, but once in awhile, it still… happens.”

“What do you do then?”

She shrugged. “Like you, I get up and start over the next day. I lost some invisible parts of myself, and nothing totally can make up for that. I just try to live with what I have and love now. But it’s not a perfect process by any means.”

He nodded. “That’s kind of what I’m getting at. I mean, not that this is anything like what happened to you.”

She smiled softly. “Pain is pain, Tony. It may come from different sources, and undergo different coping mechanisms, but it doesn’t change what’s inside of you.”

“Thank you for letting Will go with me.”

She finished taping the box. “Recovery is what it is. It often hurts people, but the ones who love you always stick.”

“You get this stuff.”

“I live it every day. I’ll keep living it and with it until the day I die. Just as you do with your one arm, Tony.”

He smiled. “It’s no wonder you and Gretchen get along so well. Neither of you ever beat around the bush. Thank you. I guess that’s what I was asking. I sometimes think, no matter how much
better
I’m doing, there are times when things become too hard for me to deal with. Shouldn’t I be more used to it by now? Or over it?”

Jessie smiled and nodded her understanding. “No. I used to think that too before I truly understood that living with what happened to me,
all of it,
is a lifelong ordeal. Sometimes, it’s like a prison sentence for me. Other times, I prevail over it. Sometimes though, I manage to forget it altogether and live right in the here and now, and I almost feel ordinary.”

“I didn’t know.”

She shook her head. “Yes, you did. You’re doing the same thing that I did. It’s like going through all the stages of grief… Achieving acceptance doesn’t mean there aren’t days when you’re right back to being angry, sad, in denial, and swimming in total self-pity. Just remember, that’s just one day and don’t allow it to rule your life. Get up the next day and choose to have a different kind of day. That’s the only power you have over it, or how much you let it control you.”

He studied her for a long moment. “Somehow, I sense that wasn’t an easy life lesson for you to learn.”

“No, just like yours hasn’t been.”

“I worry Gretchen will grow tired of dealing with it. Like on the days when I’m not fully at  ‘acceptance.’”

Jessie shook her head vigorously. “No. Like Will, she’ll stick. Some people are healthy enough, and strong enough, and whole enough, that they don’t need for us to be perfect. They can deal with the bad days.”

“I wish…”

“Yeah, me too. But wishing doesn’t let you live your life.”

He slowly smiled. “That might be the best advice I’ve ever gotten.”

She smiled right back. “That’s me. A bastion of light and hope to the wounded.”

He let out a breath. “I hate being one of the wounded.”

“Me too, Tony. I detest it. But you have to acknowledge it and live with it; just don’t make it your life. Does that make any sense?”