Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (12 page)

A spontaneous erection is one that arises out of the moment, due to the polarity between dynamic and receptive forces and the presence two people bring into the situation. Erections that arise spontaneously do not require stimulation or fantasy to keep them going; they simply need presence and awareness. The instant one person’s attention wavers, the penis starts to wind back down, coiling like a snake. Quickly retrieving one’s presence and releasing distracting thoughts will cause the erection to grow again. The penis is capable of performing a snake dance within woman—a miraculous experience for any man.

Lack of Sensitivity

The first few times soft penetration is tried, most men will find that they do not “feel” much in their penises (as mentioned earlier). This is very common and will change as soon as the penis adjusts to a new way of being used and perceived by man. This insensitivity is due to a long history of stimulation, so for it to be a little numb is not really surprising. The way to retrieve sensitivity is to relax into woman, spend as much time inside her as possible, and take full consciousness down into your penis. Begin to “be” inside the penis, treat it with love, and gradually sensitivity will return.

Usually the woman is able to feel your penis, even if you cannot perceive it. She is usually very content with soft penetration and the experience of subtle, ecstatic emanations from the penis. It is a great support to the man if a woman can communicate what she feels within herself (her inner sensitivity) out loud in words while making love, particularly in the situation where a man discovers he is not (yet) able to feel the power residing within his own penis. At the very least, it’s relaxing to know that woman can feel man, even if he cannot feel himself. And she, as container, is bound to be more perceptive initially.

Impotence Issues

Impotence—lack of erection—is a deep-seated fear in most men, provoking anxiety at an almost primal level. Excitement leads to a certain type of erection that is very fragile and requires stimulation to keep it going. Impotence is no longer an issue when soft entry used. And—surprise, surprise—erection may take place on its own. The best cure for impotence is to keep putting yourself in the situation and continue making love with no erection. In time things are highly likely to change as sensitivity returns.

Several years ago a man with an inherited erectile dysfunction came to our group with his wife. He had been using penis implants up until this point and was wondering whether to drop the implant and instead try the way we had been explaining during the group. His success has been incredible. He does not have full erections now, but enough that it is no longer a problem. He describes his experience below.

PERSONAL SHARING

From Impotence to Daily Lovemaking

First of all, we bought your new book,
Tantric Love—Feeling versus Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy
(the German edition). My wife read it within three hours. I took more time, but also read it quite quickly. We can confirm all that you have been saying. Emotions and feelings are too often mixed up, and very few people are aware of this important difference. (See chapter 9 for more on the distinction between feelings and emotions.)

Last December we attended a workshop for Vipassana meditation. The theme was arrogance; the solution is humility. The insight and the teaching was: Our minds are constantly using our senses to compare all our perceptions and assess them as positive/good (I want more), negative/harmful (I want to get rid of it), or equal/good (which is not really satisfactory either). As long as we constantly compare, we are never relaxed in life and are unable to enjoy a love relationship with awareness and equanimity.

It lines up perfectly with your explanation of why there is so much incomprehension and jealousy between couples. In any event, we learned that making love your way takes away so much of the pressure that many reasons for comparison vanish, and disappointment (emotions) within yourself and against your partner just doesn’t manifest. For us making love has become a kind of meditation, combining intimacy with spirituality, which we consider the whipped cream on the cake.

But let us tell you what happened to us since we attended the course with you a second time. After the first course with you a few years ago we practiced love within my almost nonexistent erection capability (owing to my medical condition). In the beginning we made love two to three times a week, and slowly cut back to making love once a week, keeping this frequency stable. We noted that regardless of the unhurried and relaxed way of making love, there was often the feeling that after almost an entire week it was about time to have sex together, and this created increasingly unpleasant pressure to perform.

After the first course, my wife started paying a lot of attention to my penis, massaging me and holding my penis in her hand every night when we went to bed, falling asleep this way. My penis got so much attention that it started to react to her contact, not with an erection, but with a kind of aliveness. It swells up just enough that I can introduce it into her vagina without great effort, and is also firm enough to go for an ejaculation, if I so desire. Even if my penis extends less than four inches, it is good enough to have the real feeling of having sex. Since my wife has never had an orgasm by penetration, but only by stimulation of her clitoris, this “handicap” of my shortened penis is not really bothering us. Sometimes I feel that I’m not a “real man with a hard one,” but the sexual satisfaction I experience with my wife vastly exceeds the short event of conventional sex and ejaculation.

After our second course with you we both had the impulse to say, “Why don’t we decide to have sex every day to get rid of the pressure of having to do it after a number of days? Let’s create an atmosphere in which making love daily is as normal as eating meals.” We decided to connect our genitals every morning at daybreak. We set the clock one hour earlier in the morning and start with twenty minutes of cuddling and caressing each other. Then my wife celebrates the oil ceremony, oiling her vagina and giving a short oil massage to my penis—just enough for it to be gently hard and easily introduced into her vagina. We remain connected for another twenty minutes, and then either turn and change position or share some moments of in and out movements. About once a week one of us—or both—feels like going for an orgasm, and we celebrate it without restriction. Finally we have another twenty minutes of cuddling—relaxing, drowsing, caressing, and so on. After an hour we get up, my wife takes a shower, and I sit down for Vipassana meditation till she is ready to leave the house for work. Often our genitals radiate pleasant vibrations and pulsate throughout our entire bodies for the whole day. It is just gorgeous.

We started this a few months ago, and since then have hardly missed a day of making love. It has become so natural and uncomplicated that we actually long for it if we have to miss one day. Our entire relationship has reached another level because we can behave so freely and openly, which I never before thought possible.

Sometimes we look back and ask ourselves what triggered our starting to insist on making love every day. We don’t know, really, it just clicked and we knew we wanted to try it. During our second course with you we heard from a couple resolutely doing a fifteen-minute tantric get together every morning who seemed to be happy and united, so maybe this was the final kick for us to start.

We are very thankful for having met you and having been able to learn this method of making love from you. In my special situation with a medical condition, I often wonder what I would have done after conventional sex was no longer possible for me. I don’t even want to imagine.

PERSONAL SHARING

Viagra Is No Longer Necessary

Since puberty, erection has been of great importance for me. The first time I had sex with a woman it happened in a very small compact car, and I had no idea where to put my long legs. Due to the excitement, I did not find my way into her vagina and had a premature ejaculation. Ever since, ejaculation and penetration were stressful for me. Each time I met a new woman, I immediately had a fear of failure and thus, difficulty with the erection. It wasn’t until my first longer partnership that this theme began to lose its importance.

My penultimate partnership was very much affected by wild sex and strong emotions. It was sex that glued us together and helped us to come together again and again, but in the end, even sex did not work any more. This resulted in new emotions, mutual hurt, and finally, in separation. Since I was nearing the end of my fifties at that time I presumed that sex was over for me, until I found out about the remedy for erections: Cialis (Viagra). I was very relieved to be able to have sexual contact with new women, and realized that I retained my capacity for erection even beyond the action time of the remedy. This also showed me the psychological aspect of the erection deficit. When I met my new wife, we had a weekend relationship for the first two years. I got used to taking Cialis each time before we met, because it gave me a sense of security. When we took a two-week vacation, one pill at the beginning of the holiday was enough.

After we read your book,
The Heart of Tantric Sex,
my wife didn’t want me to take the remedy any more, so I promised to take it only after having talked to her. At home, where we were already comfortable with the relaxed way of lovemaking, I found taking it less and less necessary.

Before the lovemaking retreat we had not seen each other for three weeks. During the first three days of the seminar, I again experienced some pressure with the issues, and had trouble keeping my sense of humor about erection and penetration. I feared that since I was sixty-three years old, my virility was definitely over, so I told her that I would like to take Viagra again. When she declined my request, we had a talk with the two of you and somehow I relaxed after having talked about it so openly. The loving support of my partner, and the length of time that we took for lovemaking, has resulted ever since in much heartfelt and relaxed sex. I learned that even with a weak erection at the beginning, lovemaking lasted longer, and was heartfelt and deep. Our love grew and I was able to relax more and more deeply. Since then our love and our sexuality have reached a new dimension. For me it has been a gift. Being able to let go of goal-oriented male sexuality as my erection was getting weaker has caused our love to grow. Thank you both for this wonderful experience.

PERSONAL SHARING