Guinea Dog
People like dogs. Why? Because dogs rock. They learn tricks. They play games, like Fetch and Tug-of-War and Frisbee. They hang out with you. They run alongside your bike. They sleep at the foot of your bed. They protect you and your family from intruders. Some dogs even save people’s lives. Who
wouldn’t
want one?
Dad.
For Soobie and Barry
EGMONT
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First published by Egmont USA, 2010
This paperback edition published by Egmont USA, 2011
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New York, NY 10016
Copyright © Patrick Jennings, 2010
All rights reserved
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THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HAS CATALOGED THE HARDCOVER EDITION AS FOLLOWS:
Jennings, Patrick.
Guinea dog / Patrick Jennings.
p. cm.
Summary: When his mother brings home a guinea pig instead of the dog he has always wanted, fifth-grader Rufus is not happy—until the rodent starts acting exactly like a dog. ISBN 978-1-60684-053-5 (hardcover) —ISBN 978-1-60684-069-6 (reinforced library binding) [1. Guinea pigs—Fiction. 2. Family life—Fiction. 3. Schools—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.J4298715Gu 2010
[Fic]—dc22
2009025117
eBook ISBN 978-1-60684-327-7
Book design by Becky Terhune
Printed in the United States of America
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher and copyright owner
I wanted a dog.
I didn’t see anything wrong with that. People all over the world had dogs. My best friend had one. So did my worst friend. A lot of people had more than one. Our next-door neighbors had two. The family down the street had three.
People like dogs. Why? Because dogs rock. They learn tricks. They play games, like Fetch and Tug-of-War and Frisbee. They hang out with you. They run alongside your bike. They sleep at the foot of your bed. They protect you and your family from intruders. Some dogs even save people’s lives. Who
wouldn’t
want one?
Dad.
“Dogs are filthy and smelly, Rufus,” Dad said yesterday when I asked him for the jillionth time why I couldn’t have a dog. “Are you capable of keeping a dog free of grime and stench? Do you have that skill set? You can’t even remember to put your dirty clothes in the hamper. I have to do it.” Then he shuddered.
Smelliness is only one of Dad’s reasons why I can’t ever have a dog. His list is endless:
| • | They whine. |
| • | They gnaw. |
| • | They scratch. |
| • | They bark. |
| • | They beg. |
| • | They jump up. |
| • | They dig. |
| • | They shed. |
| • | They slobber. |
| • | They drool. |
| • | They lick people’s faces. |
| • | They lick themselves. |
| • | They lick other dogs. |
| • | They piddle everywhere, and that includes indoors. |
| • | They poop everywhere, including indoors. |
| • | Their poop has to be scooped. |
| • | They eat shoes. |
| • | They eat mice. |
| • | They eat computer mice. |
| • | They eat dead things. |
| • | They eat poop. |
| • | Their breath smells like dead things and poop. |
| • | They have to be walked. |
| • | They have to be walked in the middle of the night. |
| • | They have to be walked in rain and snow and hail and sleet. |
| • | They stop every two seconds to sniff. |
| • | They tug on the leash. |
| • | They chase cats, squirrels, birds, deer, and other dogs. |
| • | They tramp mud into the house. |
| • | They drag dead animals into the house. |
| • | They infest the house with blood-sucking fleas. |
| • | They get worms. |
| • | They get rabies. |
| • | They need shots. (And shots aren’t free.) |
| • | They chase cars. |
| • | They get run over by cars. (Vet bills are expensive.) |
| • | They eat tons of (expensive) dog food. |
| • | They must be boarded in (expensive) kennels when their owners go away. |
| • | They knock over Christmas trees. |
| • | They attack mail carriers. |
| • | They attack their owners. |
| • | They attack their own tails. |
| • | They are needy. |
| • | They are clingy. |
| • | They are high maintenance. |
| • | They love people who don’t love them. |
| • | Etc. |
Let’s face it, I will never get a dog, not as long as I live with Dad in this clean, quiet, boring, stupid house. But just wait till I grow up. Then I will have the greatest,
awesomest
dog that ever lived and Dad won’t be able to do anything about it. Take that, Dad!
But I don’t want to wait till I’m grown up. I want a dog
now
.
Mom was never any help. So I didn’t see how it could hurt to bug her about it again when she got home from work. Her job was mixing paint at Try Your Best Hardware. She’d been doing it for years and years.
“Your dad is the one who would be with the dog all day,” she answered. “It’s his call, I’m afraid.”
My dad started working at home a few months before. He had taken a new job as an editor for a golf e-zine. That meant that not only was he home, like, 24/7, but also that he did most of the housework. Which was why he nagged me about my dirty clothes.
He had always been a pretty naggy, fussy guy, with all his lists of why he didn’t like this or that, but being at home all the time had transformed him into Super Insane Fussy Work-at-Home Dad Guy.
“I’m sorry, sunshine,” Mom said, patting me on the shoulder.
Then suddenly she brightened up.
“Hey! How about a
guinea pig
?”
This was classic Mom. “Lateral thinking,” she called it. “Thinking outside of the box.” If a door is slammed in your face, don’t stand there banging on it. Don’t beg someone to open it, or sulk or whine, or say the world isn’t fair. Don’t be a Zax. (It’s a character in her favorite Dr. Seuss story.) Step aside and find another way in—a different door, or maybe a window.
“Guinea pigs don’t bark,” she explained. “They don’t get fleas, or chew things up. They don’t have to be walked. And they bathe themselves!”
“But Mom, I don’t want a guinea pig. A guinea pig can’t learn tricks, or run alongside your bike, or play Tug-of-War, or scare away intruders. I want a
dog
.”
She kept on smiling. I don’t think she heard me. We should have her hearing tested.
I’m sure she meant well. Her problem was just that she thought
too
laterally,
too
outside the box. Sometimes a person only wanted
one
particular thing and that was it. There was no point in suggesting anything else. For example: I wanted a dog, a whole dog, and nothing but a dog.
On the way home from work the next day, Mom stopped at a pet store and bought a guinea pig.
