Student of Kyme (14 page)

Ystayne
and Rayzie kept their distance, as if the toxic atmosphere in the
house burned their skins. They retreated to the kitchens and stayed
there, and I did not violate their territory. I went out into the
town and kept my gaze straight ahead of me. I did my work for
Huriel, but was not summoned to the library. I regretted that, but
perhaps when this situation was old and stale, Malakess would call
for me. I understood that he must be feeling embarrassed at the
moment.

Aruhanisday, Adkayamoon 14

These
last ten days have been really difficult. I haven’t had the heart
to write anything. I’ve just existed, tried almost to make myself
invisible. I just want things to return to normal. Huriel and I
have barely been speaking, but earlier today he said he wished to
speak to me. From his tone, I gathered that this was not to be a
friendly chat. We went to his office.

‘
You might like to know that Malakess is leaving Kyme,’ he
said.

‘
Where is he going?’

Huriel
moved a few pens around his desk, not looking at me. ‘To Immanion.
This was discussed briefly while the Gelaming were here. Chrysm
Luel thought it would be beneficial if a Sulh went to the Great
Library in Immanion for some time. Malakess was in two minds, but
given what’s happened, he thought it would be best to
go.’

I
shrugged. It’s nothing to do with you, I thought.

Huriel
looked up and me shook his head. ‘You’ve utterly confused me,
Gesaril. You’re not who I took you to be.’

‘
I don’t know why you’re so angry,’ I said. ‘If Malakess
wasn’t your friend, you’d feel differently. If I’d acted this way
in Jesith, I wouldn’t even be here now.’

Huriel
pulled a sour face. ‘How can you be so callous?’

‘
I’m not. Malakess had a relationship with somehar, but then
thought I’d be a better prospect in terms of a consort. It all
seems very political to me. I’ve stepped out of it. What’s so bad
about that?’

Huriel
uttered a choked laugh. ‘You think that was how he felt?’ He
sighed. ‘Have I made you this monster? Is it my fault?’

I
laughed. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done. ‘Monster? I’m trying to do
the right thing. I wish I’d done it in Jesith. I’ll not make the
same mistake twice. There’s no Huriel waiting for me this time, to
take me away to a better life. I have to make my own.’

‘
It was just a few silly young hara,’ Huriel said, punctuating
his words with a stiff finger, he pointed at me. ‘Just a few said
some stupid things to you, and you deconstructed your entire
future. Are you mad? Malakess loved you, Gesaril, but now he’s
castigating himself for giving his heart to so young a har. He’s
bereft, even if he can’t show it.’

‘
He did not love me,’ I said. ‘He never said anything like
that to me.’

‘
He wouldn’t. But, that’s probably for the best, since it’s
patently obvious you didn’t feel the same. I’m not angry with you,
just saddened.’

I rubbed
my hands over my face. ‘I’m saddened too, Huriel. I trusted
Malakess. I really believed he was my future, but I can’t be close
to, never mind chesna, with a har who’s so deceitful, and who would
carelessly cast aside another, who’s shared his bed for so long,
just because he finds somehar he considers “better material”. It’s
disgusting. You all wanted me to learn from what happened in
Jesith, and I have. I agree it’s probably best if Malakess leaves
Kyme for a while. When he returns, all will be
forgotten.’

‘
If he returns,’ Huriel said. ‘I can appreciate how you feel,
I really can, but I think you’re over-reacting.’

‘
I’m not. I had bruises to prove it, remember. I’ve thought
about it all a lot and have tried to put Malakess in a positive
light, but at the very least, he should have ended his association
with Iscane before I started accompanying him to official events.
There should have been some respectable gap. He should have told me
everything from the start. I’d have been more careful.’ I threw up
my hands. ‘Oh, I don’t know. It’s just a mess.’ I appealed to
Huriel with a wide-eyed gaze. ‘I just want us to get back to how we
were. I miss Malakess, and I’m really sorry I can’t be with him,
but try to understand how I feel. Please, Huriel! I can’t live here
with a horde of Jassenahs watching my every move.’

Huriel
uttered a soft sound and drew me into his arms. I wanted to weep,
but I couldn’t. There was a hard painful lump in my throat,
condensed emotion. ‘I love you too,’ Huriel said. ‘You’re like a
son to me, Gesaril. Of course, we’ll get back to how we were, but
can’t you at least go to Malakess, see him before he
leaves?’

I pressed
my face into Huriel’s hair. ‘Don’t ask me to do that. Please.’ The
truth was, I didn’t trust myself. If Malakess should do something
like confess his feelings for me, I might well cave in and fall
into his arms.

Huriel
sighed. ‘All right. I’ll respect your decision, but it’s just so
sad, such a waste.’

Aruhanisday, Adkayamoon 21

Today is
the eve of Natalia and Kyme is infused with the spirit of this best
of festivals. Snow lies thick upon the ground and every house is
decorated with holly and ivy bows. The holly berries are shockingly
red this year. Huriel says this is because we had a lot of rain.
Tonight, we will attend a ritual and party at the Poltenemy manse,
and then tomorrow some of Huriel’s colleagues are coming over to
spend the day with us. The house looks beautiful because Rayzie has
decorated the ground floor throughout with evergreens and ribbons.
The air smells of Natalia; an unmistakeable scent of cut greens,
pine and spicy cooking that always has me thinking back to the days
before my harlinghood was spoiled. Natalia is always a huge
community party in the Shadowvales. Amazingly, I have received a
gift from my parents accompanied by a letter from my hostling. They
have sent me a vakei, a ritual blade. It really is beautiful, and I
will use it always. My hostling congratulated me on my ascension to
Brynie. I’d written to him to tell him about it. Who knows, one day
we might actually become friends?

On to
other matters… It appears that everyhar in Kyme has got to hear
about the sorry tragedy of my affair with Malakess. I’m gratified
to note that I’m regarded with a new kind of respect, because
everyhar also knows that I’ve ended my relationship with the High
Codexia. I’m not the soume shrew adventurer, after all. Not
everyhar agrees with my decision, first generation particularly,
but I gather from Ystayne and Rayzie that many pure borns consider
that I’ve stood up for our generation, and have shown the haughty
High Codexia that we’re not to be used like bedroom toys. Now
Malakess’s house stands empty and snow drifts against the front
door.

I do miss
him terribly, but I’m glad that the hostility against me has died
down. I’ve resolved never again to take aruna with anyhar unless
I’m sure of their history. I look upon the whole episode as being
like a rite of passage. If I have moments when my armour slips and
I want to sit alone in a private place and grieve, I have more when
I feel positive about myself and the future. In the new year, I’ll
begin work in the main library itself. A position has been offered
to me, and it’s not lost on me that the har who made the offer is
second generation.

Of
course, all this activity and scandal has meant I’ve had little
time to be taken unawares by hauntings of earlier hurts. It’s
easier to push the sad ghosts away, shut the door on them, turn up
the light.

Aloytsday, Snowmoon 2

Today, I
had an unexpected visitor. Iscane turned up at the house, asking to
see me. I’d heard he now worked for another Codexia but we’d not
run into each other.

I met
with Iscane in Huriel’s office, a formal setting in which I felt
most comfortable. Iscane looked healthy enough; there was no sign
of despair or grief on his face. He’s a very attractive har,
clearly well educated and intelligent, and I honestly can’t
understand why Malakess should have considered me more worthy than
him.

‘
I hope you don’t mind me coming to see you,’ Iscane said, and
there was no longer iciness in his voice. His friendly mien made
him appear more attractive. If he’d been like this with me from the
start, if we’d become friends, then all the unpleasantness could
have been avoided. I’d have never begun a relationship with
Malakess, for a start.

‘
Not at all. What can I do for you?’

‘
Nothing,’ he said, sitting down on a chair next to the fire.
‘I just feel responsible for that episode at Poltenemy’s party last
Mistmoon. I keep thinking about it, so realised I really had to
come and see you. New year, new starts… I want you to know I didn’t
ask Nasander and the others to act on my behalf. It was appalling
behaviour.’

‘
Well, rightly or wrongly, you all had a set of beliefs about
me,’ I said. ‘I can’t say I was greatly pleased by what happened,
but I’m also somewhat grateful for it. I really had no idea about
you and Malakess.’

‘
I know,’ Iscane said. ‘Malakess told me.’ He pulled a sad,
sour face. ‘He told me as he was kicking me out of my
home.’

‘
I’m sorry about that,’ I said. ‘I did tell him he should
reinstate you. I had no wish to cause you pain.’

‘
We were wrong about you,’ Iscane said. ‘Please accept my
apologies on behalf of all of us.’

‘
You weren’t wrong. I used to be the sort of har you thought I
was. The fact is that what happened at the party helped me overcome
my own past, and I’m grateful for that. So I accept your apology
wholeheartedly.’

Iscane
nodded. ‘Then I hope we can all put it behind us. Would you have
dinner with me this Aruhanisday? I would like to make
amends.’

The
thought of having to face the very group who’d confronted me left
me cold, and I hesitated before answering. Iscane smiled, clearly
having picked up on my reservations. ‘Just you and I,’ he said.
‘Just dinner. I’d really like it if you’d accept.’

‘
Yes, thank you, I’d like that,’ I said.

Iscane
stood up. ‘Good. I’ll call for you about seven o’clock. I know
you’ve not been out much in town since you arrived, so I’ll take
you to a good restaurant, show you around a bit.’

Pelfazzarsday, Snowmoon 6

And so,
my formal introduction into the younger society of Kyme has
commenced. Last night, Iscane took me to a place called Shivering
Firs, which specialised in dishes from the Almagabran continent. He
was charming and entertaining company, and more than once I found
myself wondering why on earth Malakess hadn’t been in love with
him.

After two
bottles of wine, and quite late into the evening, Iscane asked me
teasingly, ‘So, all that gossip about you was true? You had to be
physically removed from Jesith to protect the reputation of the
rooning Hienama?’

I
laughed. ‘Pretty much, yes. I had a crush on him, a really big one,
and I behaved badly. He had a chesnari, and a new son. I don’t know
what possessed me.’ A part of myself winced inside at these words.
I didn’t mean any of them, not really.

‘
Hmm, I’ve heard that Ysobi is quite something,’ Iscane said.
‘It was probably just a case of what we see so often; older hara
taking advantage of us pure borns.’

I didn’t
think I was as political about it as all young hara in Kyme seemed
to be. ‘Not really,’ I said. ‘I knew what I was doing. Still, it’s
behind me now. I really appreciate you taking me out like this. I
want to make my life here. I love Kyme.’

‘
I’ll help you,’ Iscane said. ‘The har you’ll be working with
is a good sort. You can count on having a full social schedule,
trust me!’ He grinned. ‘And if it’s a chesnari you’re looking for,
we’ll find you somehar deliciously appropriate.’

‘
Oh, I’m not looking for that,’ I said. ‘I just want to have a
good time.’

‘
Good for you!’

Iscane
lived in a converted stable in the grounds of his new employer. He
enthused about this place, and how much better it was than
Malakess’s house, which he considered ‘draughty’. ‘I’m much happier
now,’ he said. ‘Looking back, it’s easy to see how miserable I was
without even realising it. I spent the entire time waiting for
Malakess to give me attention. Isn’t it odd, the way that once it’s
all over, and the emotions have gone, you can’t believe the way you
felt?’

A
freezing wave went through me. There it was; a whisper in the room,
a cold spot, a ghost. ‘Yes, it’s odd,’ I said. ‘It’s such a
breakthrough when you think of him, and then realise it’s the first
time you’ve thought of him for days, when before he was on your
mind all the time.’

‘
That’s exactly it!’ Iscane said. I could tell he thought we
were both talking about Malakess.

‘
Do you miss him?’ Iscane asked.

I paused.
‘I’ll never forget him. It just wasn’t meant to be. But he helped
me a lot. And his chesnari helped me too.’

Iscane
coloured a little and smiled at the table. ‘It’s his pleasure.’ I
felt the pressure of a foot against my right leg. He’d taken off
his shoes, and his long bare toes flexed against me. My flesh
contracted. It felt as if a sleeping snake stirred drowsily in my
belly. Why not? I thought. This would be uncomplicated, and it was
something I’d have to do eventually. ‘I’d like to see your new
home,’ I said.