Student of Kyme (18 page)

‘
I thought that time might have healed you,’ he said. ‘I
thought you might have forgotten some of it.’

I laughed
sourly. ‘You’re the hienama, not me. Surely you’re wise enough to
know that a year is not enough to get over what happened between
us. For your information, the love I experienced could not simply
be taken down and packed away like Natalia decorations.’

‘
I was never worth it,’ he said. How he’d always loved to say
that. He’d never meant a word of it either. It had been his
convenient escape.

I put
down my knife and fork very carefully. I took a deep breath. Then I
made a signal to the waiter. When he came to my side, I asked for
the bill. Ysobi just stared at me. ‘What are you doing?’ he
asked.

‘
You can see,’ I replied. ‘I won’t play this charade, Yz. I
can’t do it. I’m going. By all means stay and finish your meal. You
might like to think about why you’re actually here while you’re
doing so. But I’m not playing your game. I won’t make you feel
better. So here it is: I still love you and always will. I believe
you felt something for me but chose to smother it and make me the
scapegoat for it all. Now, it is grotesque sitting here talking
with you and I want to leave.’ I stood up and put some money on the
table. ‘I hope your meeting goes well.’

Up behind
the town there is a place where grey rocks poke out from a hillside
over a valley below. After I left the restaurant, I climbed to this
place, my mind and heart numb. I sat down on the cool grey stone
that seemed to hang in space, not attached to the earth. I stared
out across the valley and it was as if the horizon was further away
than it ought to be. I felt that if I projected my will, I could
make it further away still. I could make the world go on forever.
How much do we identify ourselves with what we perceive in the
mirrors of others? I am what Ysobi sees me as. I am what I think he
sees me as. The two things are not connected at all, yet I am both.
In that moment on the stone, a me in one realm of the many realms
of reality sat with his head in his hands, fingers clawing through
his hair in the cruellest of despair; in another I was weeping so
bitterly my heart was drying out, while in this one, I merely sat
with my elbows on my knees, my chin resting in my hands, gazing out
over the beauty of an Alba Sulh spring, thinking, I will not live
in pain.

This will
be the long dark summer of the soul.

Lunilsday, Windmoon 10

Ysobi
sent me a note. It came in secret, to my workplace, not home. It
said this:

We got
off to a bad start. I’m sorry. As I’m going to be here in Kyme for
a while, and this is not a big town, not to mention we share
friends, we really do need to be civil with one another. Don’t
think for one moment I trivialise your feelings. I don’t. I just
don’t feel equipped to deal with them. And yes, I am the hienama
and should know. What you don’t realise is that what happened was
an undoing for both of us. And no matter how much a har like me
might like to think he knows himself, there is always a surprise
waiting around the corner. Please let us be friends. I’ll do what
it takes to accomplish that. Just advise me what you can live
with.

I didn’t
know how to respond. I’d thought he’d back off. After work, once I
returned home, I lay for hours on my bed devising scripts in my
head. Eventually I just penned a quick note saying, I need time.
Just leave me be for a few days.

A note
came next day to my workplace. As long as you need…

By all
the dehara, what is happening?

Aloytsday, Windmoon 12

I’ve
shrunk from writing for a couple of days, and I think that is
mainly because part of me feels ashamed. The main problem I have
with this situation is that there is nohar to speak to about it.
Huriel is obviously out of the question because his loyalties are
divided. I know all my new friends would just shrug in utter
incomprehension and say, ‘well, either roon him or tell him where
to go. What’s the problem?’ In fact, they’d probably think there’s
something wrong with me to be so affected by another har, and by a
har like Ysobi at that. I could just imagine confiding in Iscane,
who would then be beside himself with curiosity to meet this
paragon of harishness who has captured my heart – not, let’s be
honest, my soul – and then, when faced with the reality he’d
probably actually laugh. ‘That is the one?’ he’d say. ‘You can’t be
serious.’

I know,
as if they were sitting around me now discussing the matter, that
my friends would advise me to forget about Ysobi. They’d say it
would be easy. Just turn your heart cold. They would suggest some
hedonistic and mind-altering activities to help me forget. But the
thought of that makes me feel physically sick. I must do some work.
It might help.

Agavesday, Windmoon 13

I can’t
help feeling that the universe is quite excited at the prospect of
finding out how far it can push me. I got back from the library
today, fully intent on seeing what Rayzie was up to for the
evening. I thought maybe we could go for a ride over the meadows
and soak up the ambience of the season. We could drink wine beneath
the budding oaks, with tender young moths in our hair and talk
about life. This plan was squashed somewhat by the fact that when I
put my head round Huriel’s office door, he had Ysobi with him. Ah,
this must be the keeping us apart plan at work, I thought bitterly.
I muttered a greeting and withdrew but Huriel came after
me.

‘
Gesaril,’ he said, ‘come back.’ He took my hands in his own
and adopted an expression of what I took to be concern mixed with
some bizarre kind of shy shared humour. I had no idea of how I was
expected to interpret that.

‘
What for?’ I asked. ‘I’m supposed to keep away from
him.’

‘
You should aim to be friends,’ Huriel said. ‘It would be
healing for you. You must shift your perspective.’

Clearly,
Ysobi had been at work on him too. I pulled a sour face. ‘Excuse
me? Is this a sentence for a crime I’ve committed unwittingly? Are
you mad?’

‘
You have to get past this, lay the ghosts to
rest.’

‘
His ghosts, you mean?’ I pulled my hands from his hold. ‘I
don’t think so, Huriel. You do the soothing. You can tell him I’m a
delusional fantasist. That seems to work well.’

‘
Don’t be bitter.’

I
laughed. ‘I suppose you mean well. You do mean well, don’t you,
Huriel?’

Before he
could respond I walked away.

I felt so
rattled by this experience, I couldn’t face the thought of anyhar’s
company that evening. I would still have my ride, but alone. The
only friend I needed was the landscape itself, unblemished and
unbiased.

Huriel
has several horses in his stable, and I chose a spirited grey mare
for the occasion. She reminded me of the female aspect of the
earth, a wild spirit. Her white mane flew in rags over my hands as
we raced through the meadows. She bucked a few times, as if to
remind me of my place, and how easily she could throw me from the
saddle and trample me to death. I’d already been through that, I
thought, and then laughed aloud. The sound, as it blew away from
me, sounded hollow and somehow sinister. A disembodied laugh on the
air that had no humour in it at all. I rode and rode until the
night came down. It came right into me. I could ride away, right
over the edge of the earth, into a new reality. If the mare
galloped fast enough, was that possible?

I brought
my mount to a halt upon a high spur of rock. Below sheep were
muddled pale dots amid the meadows. A nightjar called out; some
spiteful spirit. I wondered about my Nagini spirit and whether if I
willed it, he would come to me. Who was he? One of the second
generation hidden away in the academy? Had to be, I suppose. He
could even be Harua’s son. I like to think so.

‘
If you have wisdom for me,’ I said aloud, ‘speak now. You
kept my feet on the path and I’m walking it. Will you share the
journey with me?’

The night
seemed to hold its breath around me, but there was no answering
call, either in reality or through the ethers. I might never know
the reason he spoke to me that day, or the night he met me on the
road. If he had true interest in my situation, surely the contact
would be more direct? It was then I wondered whether he’d been real
at all, or perhaps just an avatar of Nagarana, conjured from my
mind.

From the
west, clouds were rolling in across the clear sky. I shuddered; the
inexorable change of the elements, light follows dark, calm follows
storm. Nothing is ever permanent or certain. Perhaps I had done
things to myself, through choice. One thing I have learned: love
makes us so wilful. But then I can undo those things, take whatever
action I need to protect my damaged being. And I will make the
truth known. I will not allow Ysobi to make a fool of me. He must
confess. I will say his name aloud into a silent room at least once
every day to keep it real. There. I have made this decision. So be
it. It is sealed now.

Aghamasday, Ardourmoon 10

Immanion

We have
reached the point now where I stopped writing. I truly went into my
own dark space of the soul, that long unending night and there were
no words inside me. Time has passed since then, and only now am I –
this new Gesaril – able to record what the previous version
experienced. All I can do is tell it how it happened, albeit
coloured by my personal feelings, and let others be the judge of
it.

Three
days after Ysobi had visited Huriel’s house, I came across him in
town. I’d taken pains to avoid areas where I thought I might run
into him, thinking that this could only serve my purpose better. I
had to make him come to me, and maybe he did. Or maybe it was just
coincidence. Whatever the truth of it was, when he called my name
across the street, I did not ignore him or walk away.

‘
Can we be something other than enemies?’ he asked
me.

‘
I don’t know. Can we?’

‘
I like to think so.’

‘
What does it matter? You’re returning to Jesith
soon.’

‘
Not that soon.’ He paused. ‘I’ll be staying on for some
weeks.’

I didn’t
ask why because I expected I’d get some partial truth or outright
lie in response.

‘
It will be difficult to avoid each other,’ Ysobi said. ‘Kyme
isn’t a big place. Can we not just put the past behind us and be
friends? I used to enjoy our discussions. I miss them. There’s no
reason we can’t find that place again, before everything went
sour.’

‘
All right,’ I said.

I told
myself I would maintain a certain distance in this friendship, but
it was as if Ysobi could sense that resolve and took great pains to
undo it. Every morning and every evening, he would spend an hour at
a certain café I frequented regularly and we fell into the habit of
meeting at these times. The Cloven Hoof, it was called; perhaps a
bad omen. We talked a lot and mostly it was nothing of consequence
but Ysobi released just enough of what I secretly wanted. It was
the same as it had always been: a lingering glance of far too many
seconds, too long to be accidental, a carefully worded comment or
question that could be taken two ways; many little tricks that I
fell for because I wanted to believe there was hope. He was clever
because if I’d ever confronted him over these things, he could
simply have denied them. I knew what he was doing, but I could
speak of it to nohar, because I wouldn’t be believed, or worse they
would say I was looking for things that weren’t there. But whatever
I told myself objectively, I was helplessly in love, while at the
same time full of rage, resentment and pain, and a desire to expose
him. It was a hideous way to live: an addiction and he the
strongest drug.

The night
I’d walked away from him in the restaurant was never mentioned, but
then Ysobi was adept at projecting an aura of ‘nothing has
happened’. It was easy to fall into the net. I know he wanted to
see me all the time, because our unspoken arrangements were somehow
sacrosanct. Both of us always turned up, although the reason for
our meetings was never broached. I had to make a lot of difficult
excuses for these frequent private get togethers, and I expect
Ysobi had to do the same. We did not speak of that. All I wanted
was for him to tell me that, yes, he had loved me, perhaps still
did, even though we could not be together. I wanted him to tell the
world this was so, just to clear my name and restore my belief in
myself. I wanted to know that I had not nearly died of a broken
heart for nothing. I truly believed that if I was patient, all this
would eventually come to pass. Of course, I yearned for more than
that, but I wasn’t so blind as to think I might get it. I wanted us
to be friends of unusual closeness, friends with a bond, but if
that was all I could have, there must also be honesty between us. I
wanted him to grant me at least some of these requirements, because
if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself doing what I
believed had to be done. I really wanted him to stop me.

During
our conversations, Jassenah and the harling were never mentioned –
well, hardly ever. Sometimes, Jass’s name would be used as a
weapon. For example, if Ysobi and I were enjoying a particularly
intimate chat, where the energy between us was so electric I swear
there were sparks in our hair, when I thought that soon he would
tell me what he really felt, he would suddenly draw back and start
talking about his chesnari. His expression and body posture would
become rigid and he would lean away from me. His voice would become
clipped, slightly higher in tone. This was always like a punch in
the gut, but all I’d do was wobble a little from the impact, smile,
and keep talking.