Student of Kyme (13 page)

I
couldn’t face the party again. I had no idea what to do, but found
that my feet had led me outside the house. It was cold, and my new
coat, given in what I’d supposed was affection, was inside
somewhere, secreted away by the phylarch’s staff. I couldn’t fetch
it. I couldn’t go back in there. But I wasn’t completely sure of
the way home. Some shred of sense surfaced in my mind and I found
my way to the stable yard, which was full of carriages. I wasn’t
sure I’d recognise Malakess’s among so many, but eventually I found
a carriage that looked as if it was the one. Somehow I managed to
ask the driver to take me home. I said I was unwell, which must
have been patently obvious. Whether it was actually Malakess’s
driver or not, the har took sympathy on me and told me to hop
inside. Hop was impossible; crawl, I could about manage.

I lay
down on the plush bench and wept. Ridiculous clichéd thoughts such
as ‘how could he do this to me?’ circled in my brain. Malakess knew
my history. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do this, surely? I grieved for
my newfound self as much as our potential relationship. Once again,
I was Gesaril, soume shrew and predator, with enemies at his heels,
wielding whips. But this time I was innocent. I’d done nothing
deliberately. Was this the dehara’s punishment for what I’d done to
Jassenah? I’d been given the perfect life, only to have it snatched
away, along with the heartless reminder of what I was. It was too
cruel. As I lay there, wrung out, I remembered Haruah’s words:
don’t make the same mistakes. I knew that. This was a chance to
make amends to the universe. If Malakess really had deceived me, if
what those snarling hara had said to me was true, I would walk
away. I hadn’t given Malakess my heart. It would be a sacrifice to
lose him, but I could bear it. I must prove to myself and the world
what I truly was. In that resolve lay strength. This was a test,
nothing more, nothing less.

Huriel,
as I’ve said before, had become like a parent to me, therefore his
psychic antennae picked up my distress even before I entered the
house. He was in hallway as I let myself in.

‘
Gesaril, you’re back early,’ he said, somewhat
tensely.

I tried
to keep my face averted. ‘I feel ill,’ I said.

‘
Ill? In what way?’

Part of
me wanted to hug the night’s events to myself in embarrassment, but
another part was a harling who wanted to be comforted. I let Huriel
see my face.

‘
By Aru, Gesaril, what’s wrong?’ he exclaimed, and came to
take me in his arms.

That, of
course, burst the banks of poisoned water inside me. My sobs were
like retching. What had I been thinking? I was no sophisticated
adult. Malakess would never weep like this over another har. I
despised myself for doing it, even though I knew I wasn’t just
crying about Malakess. In fact, the other things were
worse.

Huriel
let the storm die down and then led me into the kitchen. I was
relieved to note through blurred vision that Ystayne and Rayzie
weren’t there. Huriel pushed me into a chair by the wide old table
and went into the larder. He returned with a bottle, sat down
opposite me, poured two glasses of wine and pushed one towards me.
I stared at it.

‘
Drink, then talk,’ Huriel said.

I lifted
the glass. It smelled of summer: some of Rayzie’s rose petal wine.
I drank, wept silently some more, then said, ‘Huriel, I think I
must go home.’

His eyes
were very round. ‘What?’

I held
his gaze, but he clearly had no idea what was bothering me. I was
tempted to open my mind to him, then thought better of it. ‘Why
didn’t you tell me?’

He
shrugged, almost irritably. ‘Tell you what? What’s going
on?’

‘
About Malakess. About Iscane.’

I wanted
him to ask again what I meant, but he dropped his eyes from mine.
‘Oh,’ he said.

‘
You knew,’ I said, horrified. ‘It’s true, then. Malakess is
chesna with his… assistant.’

Huriel
screwed up his face, shook his head. ‘Not chesna, no.’ He sighed.
‘Oh, Gesaril, there was nothing to tell, not really. Malakess and
Iscane have lived together for years, but Malakess has never seen
that as…’ He shook his head again. ‘This sounds bad, I know. I’m
sorry.’ He looked at me. ‘What happened tonight?’

‘
A group of hara took it upon themselves to corner and
threaten me with violence,’ I said. ‘They are friends of
Iscane’s.’

‘
That’s preposterous,’ Huriel said. ‘What did Malakess
say?’

‘
He doesn’t know. I left the party.’

‘
But why?’

‘
Why?’ A surge of anger went through me and I got to my feet.
‘Why, Huriel? Do you really have to ask? You brought me here to get
away from what happened in Jesith, to start again, but history is
just repeating itself. The second generation hara here think the
same of me as they did in Jesith. I’m a predator, a chesnari
stealer! How could Malakess do this to me?’

‘
Hush,’ Huriel said, making a placatory gesture with both
hands. ‘This is just a misunderstanding. Iscane can’t have believed
that he was chesna with Malakess. He’s just staff.’

‘
Just staff? Like Rayzie and Ystayne are, here?’ I snapped.
‘Does that mean he’s not a real har with feelings? He might only be
staff, but that hasn’t stopped Malakess from rooning him constantly
for the past four years! In his position, I’d probably consider
that a formal relationship too!’

‘
You must calm down,’ Huriel said desperately. ‘This can be
sorted out.’

‘
No it can’t,’ I said. ‘Hara’s minds are made up. Those hara
tonight knew about Ysobi and what happened. One of them told me he
knew. I won’t be this horrible thing they think I am, Huriel, I
really won’t. I don’t want them to like me, but neither do I want
them to despise me or mean me harm. I can’t live here under that
cloud. I’ve had enough of it. Why can’t you see that? You know all
about me.’

Huriel
put his face in his hands for a moment, then raked his fingers
through his hair. ‘Look… Malakess sees you as different. It’s not
the same between you and him as it is between him and Iscane. He
doesn’t see Iscane as chesna material. It sounds blunt, but that’s
the truth of it. You know it yourself. These things happen all the
time.’

‘
Do they?’ I uttered a growl. ‘I never knew that. Suddenly the
Shadowvales seem incredibly attractive to me. Things like that
didn’t happen there. They didn’t happen in Jesith,
either.’

‘
He should have told you,’ Huriel persisted bravely, ‘and I
have mentioned it to him. He didn’t see it as
important.’

‘
He’d have just cast Iscane out, moved me in?’

‘
No, of course not.’

I sat
down again, put a hand to my face, rubbed hard. ‘I can’t believe
he’d have moved me in there, into that situation. It would have
been intolerable. Thank dehara I found out about this before that
happened. But it’s still too late. I have a bad reputation here now
as well.’

‘
That will be dealt with,’ Huriel said firmly. ‘You acted in
all innocence.’

‘
No point,’ I said. ‘The only thing that will possibly change
hara’s minds is if I end it with Malakess, which is what I intend
to do.’

‘
You can’t!’ Huriel exclaimed. ‘Don’t be
ridiculous.’

‘
It’s too late,’ I said, ‘way too late.’ Picking up the wine
bottle, I began to leave the room. I heard the scrape of Huriel’s
chair against the flagstones. ‘Don’t follow me,’ I said, without
looking round. ‘I mean it, Huriel.’

He
didn’t.

Alone in
my room, I drank from the bottle, fully intending and hoping that
consuming the lot would render me unconscious. I didn’t want to
think. I didn’t want to feel. I was incandescently furious one
moment, inexpressibly miserable the next. That har tonight had
looked at me with Jassenah’s eyes, that same withering, curled lip
contempt. I had sought to steal Ysobi away from Jassenah. I had
meant to do it, and I hadn’t cared. This was different. But hara
wouldn’t see it that way.

An hour
or so later, I was lying on my back on the bed, rehearsing dozens
of different scripts in my head, when I heard the sound of a
carriage outside. It would be Malakess. The thought of seeing him
made me feel nauseous. I couldn’t face him tonight. Perhaps Huriel
wouldn’t think to come and ask me first. He might just send
Malakess up to my room. I leapt from the bed, ran to the door, and
turned the old key in the lock, then squatted on the floor with my
face pressed to the wood. Sure enough, soon there were footsteps,
but it was Huriel. He tried the door, made a sound of annoyance to
find it barred to him. He knocked. ‘Gesaril, open the
door.’

‘
Go away,’ I said.

‘
You must come down.’

‘
No. I won’t see him tonight. He must leave.’

‘
Open the door,’ he said, more softly. ‘At least, talk to
me.’

But the
fact was, there was nothing to say. I’d already made up my mind. I
had to take back control, and as far as I could see it, there was
only one way to do that. I wanted to punish Malakess, yes, but I
also wanted to be free of judgement. I wanted to make a gesture,
show I wasn’t bad. ‘Tell him that if he wants to see me, he must
come here tomorrow,’ I said.

‘
This is unwise,’ Huriel said. ‘Talk to him now.’

‘
No. I’d say something I regret. I need some time.’

Huriel
sighed. ‘Very well. But I think you’re making a mistake.’ I heard
his footsteps retreat.

Malakess
turned up after lunch. I’d hardly slept, and had spent the night
reconstructing defences around my heart. I went to him in the
sitting room. He was standing in the middle of the floor. In his
hands, he held my coat, which he offered to me. I didn’t take
it.

‘
Gesaril, I can quite understand your anger,’ he
said.

‘
I’m glad,’ I replied.

‘
I have naturally removed Iscane from office,’ he began, but
before he could say more, I interrupted.

‘
What? You’ve fired him?’

‘
Of course. This is a regrettable situation. I will not have
his friends threatening you like that. It’s
insupportable.’

‘
Iscane had nothing to do with it,’ I said. ‘You must
reinstate him.’

‘
That’s generous of you, but no. It’s clear he must go. I’ve
already found him a position elsewhere.’

‘
Does he mean so little to you?’ I asked, genuinely aghast.
‘You’ll just cast him aside like that and give him to somehar else?
It’s hypocritical of you, considering how you and Huriel criticised
the Gelaming for suggesting you give me to the Nagini.’

‘
It’s hardly the same,’ Malakess said. ‘Iscane has overstepped
a mark. Whether he was anything to do with what happened last night
or not, he has made huge assumptions and has led his friends to
believe in them too. I never, at any time, indicated I considered
our relationship to be chesna. His loose talk has embarrassed both
you and me. Our feelings aside, that cannot go unpunished. I am
High Codexia. I don’t want scandal connected with my
name.’

‘
Nor I!’ I said angrily. I sighed. ‘Look, the main issue here
for me is what hara think of me in Kyme. I enjoy life here. I don’t
want it spoiled. I think it would be best for both of us if we
ended our physical relationship.’

Malakess
stared at me as if I’d spoken in a foreign tongue.

‘
I’m not being petty,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want the hara
here thinking badly of me. We’ve had some good times together, and
we can still be friends and colleagues, but I won’t be accused of
wrecking other hara’s lives. If I am with you, hara will always say
I seduced and stole you from another har to advance my own
position. I would rather advance my position through my own merit
and preferably without making enemies.’

‘
You are quite happy just to end it?’ Malakess snapped, as if
he’d only heard half my words. ‘Does our union mean nothing to you
beyond the physical?’

‘
I consider you one of my dearest friends,’ I said, ‘but I’m
not like other hara, Malakess. I have to protect myself and perhaps
you too, in this case.’

‘
You haven’t answered my question,’ Malakess said.

‘
I think I have.’

‘
Yes,’ he said softly, ‘so you have.’

‘
I’ll not forget what you’ve done for me. I hope we can remain
friends.’

He
inclined his head to me but said nothing. Before I could speak
again, he left the room.

Huriel
was so angry he couldn’t bring himself to speak to me properly for
two days. I felt as if I was made of ice. There were no emotions
inside me. I went to my bed alone at night and lay awake, but I
didn’t mourn. I wouldn’t let myself. I kept repeating over and
over, you didn’t love him. It was nothing. If Malakess’s face came
to my mind, I banished the image. I built a shell around myself,
cold, unfeeling, mechanical. I didn’t even let Huriel’s behaviour
affect me. I spoke to him as I always did and when he was curt with
me, I made no comment.