Student of Kyme (10 page)

‘
I should take you home with me, then. The lands to the north
of our territory are the domain of monks, who live in high,
dangerous, inaccessible places. They are hara created from an
ancient strain of humanity.’

‘
What is the name of your country?’ I asked.

‘
Veranaka,’ he replied. ‘Well, some hara call it by different
names. It is a vast land, with a great many tribes.’

I sighed.
‘I feel so… uninformed. My whole world consisted of the tiny
territory of Lyonis for so long, and yet really the world is vast.
I only know of the tribes of Almagabra and Megalithica.’

‘
That’s only natural,’ Haruah said. ‘During the Changing
Times, communication broke down completely between different
countries. We all underwent our own traumatic changes. Perhaps now
is the time for communication to be rekindled, as long as all
concerned respect other cultures.’

‘
You fear the Gelaming are like humans, don’t you?’ I said.
‘They want everyhar to be Gelaming.’

‘
That, unfortunately, is the impression they give,’ Haruah
agreed. ‘But Almagabra is small in comparison to the eastern lands.
We’ve kept ourselves to ourselves for many years. Some of us are
now interested in looking outwards. We are all privileged to be
what we are, united by the common destiny that we were bequeathed
by the world. The Nagini believe it is not beyond Wraeththu to
embrace each other as brothers, wherever they might live or
whatever they might believe.’

‘
Do all hara in your country feel that way?’ I
asked.

Haruah
pulled a rueful face. ‘No, not all.’ He smiled. ‘Now is not the
time for such talk. We are here to make friends and to enjoy
ourselves. Perhaps we should rejoin the company.’

As we
turned back to everyhar else, I noticed that Malakess was watching
me speculatively.

Ystayne
and Rayzie had excelled themselves in the kitchen, aided by one of
Haruah’s staff, a har who could not speak Albish but who
nevertheless had communicated well enough in mind touch to work
easily with Huriel’s staff. The Nagini were curious about our
cuisine and wanted to try everything. There was a myriad of things
for them to taste, each dish laced fragrantly with local herbs, the
meats slathered with berry sauces. The topics of conversation
covered over dinner were so vast and so interesting it was like
discovering a magical fountain of knowledge. The Nagini had
travelled over sea and land to reach us; they did not have
transport like the Gelaming. They told us tales of every country
they’d visited. So many tribes. So many different kinds of
Wraeththu. It unsettled me to realise how little I know of my own
kind. Still, I can honestly say I enjoyed the evening far more than
the party at the Academy. I was acutely conscious of Malakess’s
presence, but it felt good rather than uncomfortable. I felt I was
shining. Haruah brought out the best in me. He flattered me subtly,
winding his magic into my being. But it was not for his
benefit.

The
Nagini left before midnight, after which Huriel, Malakess and I
went back to the sitting room to sit before the fire and drink some
pear liqueur that Rayzie had made last year. I felt mellow and
drowsy; our little party had been a great success, not least
because Malakess had persuaded Haruah to dine with Chrysm the
following evening. Huriel and Malakess discussed the evening’s
events, while I stared into the fire, my mind comfortably numb. I
must have fallen asleep, because I was brought to full
consciousness by Malakess shaking my shoulder. The fire had died
down and I held an empty glass in my hand, sticky with liqueur.
‘Wake up,’ Malakess said. ‘Huriel’s gone to bed. So should you…
soon.’

I yawned
and sat up straight. ‘Why are you still here?’

Malakess
hesitated, then said, ‘I wanted to talk to you.’

‘
About last night, I suppose.’ I sighed. ‘I
apologise.’

‘
You don’t have to,’ Malakess said. ‘What is it you want from
me, Gesaril? Honestly?’

‘
Nothing…’ I shook my head. ‘Well, perhaps it’s obvious. And
you think I look on you and see Ysobi. I told you that, once. It’s
not very flattering, I know, but it’s not the case now.’

‘
I don’t want to make your problems any worse.’

‘
Oh, I’m sick of my problems!’

Again,
Malakess paused. ‘What are they exactly, anyway? Will you tell
me?’

‘
Well, apart from a swarm of emotional disaster areas, I have
a physical problem with soume.’

‘
Physical problem… what do you mean?’

‘
I think it’s physical. I’m not sure. Anyway, it hurts me and
sometimes causes damage.’

‘
You should see a physician.’

‘
I think it’s too late for that.’

‘
But you’re har. Your body should have repaired itself
fully.’

‘
Then maybe it’s not a real problem after all. I don’t know. I
had pelki committed on me when I was very young. It’s hardly
surprising that caused fallout, is it?’

Malakess
shook his head. ‘No…’

‘
And yet despite this problem, I’ve spent most of my post
feybraiha life being what somehar in Jesith called a soume shrew. A
predator. And I have been. I don’t deny it. It was the only way I
could feel, I think, having hara want me, especially those who were
already chesna with somehar else. Then, when I’d got them hooked,
it always went wrong, for obvious reasons.’ I looked into
Malakess’s eyes. ‘I’ve changed a lot. I understand myself more, but
even so, that understanding doesn’t make the problem go
away.’

‘
How do you know that?’

‘
Well…’ Actually, I didn’t.

‘
I will try with you, Gesaril, if that’s what you still
want.’

I stared
at him like an idiot for some moments. ‘What?’

‘
We must have an understanding,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you
being hurt, in an emotional sense.’

This was
too much to take in, and totally unexpected. I didn’t know how to
react. Was Haruah’s magic so strong? ‘I don’t know what to say.’
Despite that, I reached out and took one of his hands, held on to
it as if I was drowning and he was the lifeline to land. Twice I’d
felt this way with him. He let me crush his fingers for a short
time, which must have hurt, then drew me to him. We shared breath
for several minutes, azure skies yawning in my head. It was like
flying. I remembered the first time I’d shared breath with Ysobi,
how I’d felt I was in a scarlet and black temple, and I was the
altar there. By that time, we’d taken aruna together many
times.

Malakess
drew away from me, kissed my brow. ‘Let’s go upstairs.’

I felt so
nervous and tense I could barely walk. This was what I wanted,
wasn’t it? Or did I just want the chase again, the longing in a
har’s eyes?

I took
Malakess to my room. It occurred to me that Huriel had spoken to
him about me, and that was why he’d sloped off to bed to leave us
alone. Maybe now, he lay awake, listening for sounds. Malakess and
I undressed in silence, and all the while I kept getting flashbacks
to Jesith. It wasn’t pleasant. I remembered the phylarch’s house,
Ysobi coming to me there in the night, when were supposed not to
see each other. I could smell the fragrance of his hair.

I sat
down on the bed and put my face in my hands. I was not simply
haunted, I must be possessed. Malakess came to me, squatted before
me and put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Gesaril?’

‘
I want to forget, but I can’t,’ I said.

‘
Maybe you’re not ready yet,’ he said softly.

I rubbed
my temples. ‘Maybe not.’

‘
Get into bed. It’s okay. Just rest.’

I hadn’t
even looked at him yet. Still averting my eyes, I pulled the
blankets over me and he climbed in beside me. I lay with my back to
him and he curled his arms round me, pulled me close. ‘Just sleep,’
he said.

The song
of birds in the creepers outside my window woke me up. It must have
been very early in the morning. Malakess slept beside me, lying on
his back, his hair spread all over the pillows. I propped myself up
on an elbow to study him. It was easy this way, while he slept. He
wore an amulet around his neck. I lifted it and the stone was warm
from the heat of his body. I ran my hand over his smooth skin and
he made a small sound, arched his back a little, but he didn’t wake
up. I pulled back the covers and gazed upon him. Who was this har,
really? Who had he loved, who had he lost? What went on in his
inner life? I hardly knew him. Asleep, he looked vulnerable and
young, far from the contained High Codexia I’d first met. At heart,
he was har. He had lived through the early days of Wraeththu with
all their horrors and triumphs. He had probably killed humans and
even other hara. I wondered about his inception, his history.
Suddenly, all the experience contained within him made him more
beautiful to my eyes. This frame, this perfect form, all that we
are. The High Codexia, in essence, did not exist. It was a
construct, a mask. What did exist was Malakess, his mind and body,
his spirit. In dreams, he too ran over the hills like a deer, and
politics and intrigue could not possibly exist. In dreams, he was
free. And I could share that.

My hand
hovered over his belly. What could possibly be so terrifying about
another harish body? His ouana-lim, crude though it seems to say
it, was not as large as Ysobi’s and seemed less threatening, less
like a weapon. But I still shrank from touching it. I didn’t want
it to wake up. Perhaps I should cover him up again before he got
cold and woke up himself. But something stopped me. Maybe there
were some hurdles I couldn’t leap at the moment, but I could at
least take aruna again, on my terms, and with this secret creature,
unmasked in sleep.

I leaned
over to share breathe with him and sensed his mind rise from
slumber. He put his arms around me and returned the sharing. I
reached down to caress his soume-lam and he parted his legs for me.
My mind must remain focused in the present moment. I was here, now,
not in the past. But still, those hated images came back to me:
Ysobi writhing beneath my touch, my awe at his beauty, the desire
to enter him and the final consummation of that desire. I was just
on the brink of pulling away from Malakess completely, a cruel and
inconsiderate thing to do, seeing as I’d now thoroughly aroused
him, but before I could do so, he took hold of my hand and pulled
it away himself. He’d seen into my mind. I thought he might be
angry or at least disappointed, but he merely rolled me onto my
back and continued to share breath with me. The flavour of it had
changed. I pulled away. ‘No…’

‘
Hush,’ he said. ‘Trust me, Gesaril. I’ll not have your ghosts
on my back as well as yours. Relax and trust me. I’ll not hurt you,
I swear it.’

I let
myself go limp. I’d believe him and hope that was magic enough to
make it real. Nagarana, I prayed, I don’t know you yet, but be with
me now…

So many
times I thought, Now is the moment, now he’ll touch me, open me up,
but each time I was wrong. He concentrated on my skin, stroking
gently, and on filling me with his soothing breath. I could feel
his ouana-lim hot against me, eager to go about its business, but
still he held back. I reached out to take him in my hand, but he
took hold of my fingers. He guided us together to my own body, and
together we touched gently that shrinking heart of me that feared
pain. He did not invade me, but held my hand, directed it. I went
into myself, at first passive, and then gradually, as desire was
kindled, I caressed the areas inside me that were the most
sensitive to touch. Malakess held on to my wrist, his mouth still
against my own. The tides of aruna were rising. I was slippery and
hungry. Malakess took hold of my arms and lifted them above my
head, his fingers laced with mine. Before I realised it, he’d slid
inside me, and it didn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt at all.

The one
thing I’d forgotten about, or possibly had never fully experienced
before, was the spiritual nourishment that aruna bestows. When
Malakess and I finally went down to breakfast, I couldn’t feel the
ground beneath my feet. My body felt made of light and my mind was
utterly at peace, so much so, it brought home to me how wound up
and anxious I’d been before. After we’d taken aruna, I’d wept for
some time, in relief and wonder and sheer release. I felt as if I’d
been freed from a curse.

In the
dining room, Huriel held himself under considerable restraint and
didn’t utter a word, although there was laughter in his eyes. I
kept dropping cutlery and knocking things over, as if I’d lost
control of my body. Again, Huriel shortly left us alone, as he’d
begun his breakfast before we had. I looked upon the har beside me,
buttering his toast, and wondered how I felt about him now. What
would happen next? Would there be a next time? Nothing had been
said aloud. We’d spoken with our bodies, that was all.

‘
What have you got planned today?’ Malakess asked
me.

‘
Nothing,’ I replied. ‘Huriel hasn’t told me to do anything in
particular. Oh, I have to meet Sabarah later.’

‘
You will of course come to dinner at the hotel
tonight?’

‘
I will?’