Student of Kyme (17 page)

Huriel
pulled a despairing face. ‘It was because I cared about you that I
kept silent. Also, you have to face the reality that I’ve known
Ysobi for a long time. Much as it might gall me, I have to respect
his privacy too.’

He might
as well have been standing there punching me in the face. I was so
angry, I felt oddly calm. ‘So what was the content of your
discussions? You might as well tell me now.’

‘
It’s irrelevant. What I want to know is what he’s doing
here.’

‘
I don’t think it’s irrelevant. Tell me.’

Huriel
put his hands upon my arms. I wanted to lash out and throw him off
but remained stiff and unyielding in his hold. ‘You know that I
love you. You are like family to me and I don’t want to see you
hurt. Ag knows what Ysobi’s doing here, but it’s vital you don’t
look on it as a sign of hope. You do understand that, don’t
you?’

‘
Utterly. I’m meeting him for dinner later.’

Huriel
actually shook me. ‘No, you are not! Don’t even think about
it.’

‘
He asked me to.’

‘
Stay away!’ Huriel insisted. ‘Don’t go near him.
Please.’

‘
It’s only dinner,’ I said. ‘Why make such a fuss? He’s here
because of official hienama business. We ran into each other, we
made an arrangement to share a meal. That’s hardly high
drama.’

Again
Huriel sighed. He would not let me go. ‘Gesaril…’ He held his
breath, clearly debating with himself. ‘Look… I asked him outright,
a long time ago. I asked him how it was between you. He had no
reason to lie to me, and even through correspondence and ether
communication, I would be able to tell if he was lying. He told me
he felt nothing for you. He told me you’d… well, not made it up
exactly, but that you’d totally misinterpreted his
behaviour.’

Now I did
throw him off. I felt stunned. ‘You believed him? You thought I was
a liar, even after I told you everything?’

‘
No, I didn’t think you were a liar.’

‘
So you humoured me. You indulged my deluded little fantasy.
You said nothing. How could you do that?’

Huriel at
least had the grace to look ashamed of himself. ‘I just thought it
was the worst case of crossed wires I’d ever come
across.’

‘
What does that mean?’

‘
It means that you wanted to see something there, and the way
Ysobi is with everyhar… well, you read too much into
it.’

‘
I… what?’ I put my hands to my face, so angry with Huriel it
made my eyes ache. All this time, he’d let me believe he
sympathized with me, while he’d privately thought I was out of my
mind.

‘
I’m astonished he’s here,’ Huriel said, ‘which is why I have
to tell you this. We’d already agreed he’d keep a distance, even
though he used to visit here quite regularly. I’m cross with him
that he’s come, especially since he’s not told me about it in
advance. I don’t know what he’s playing at, or why he’s made
contact with you like this. But it’s not good, and you must stay
away. All that will happen is that it will hurt you more. He’s no
good for you, Gesaril. He doesn’t care. Harsh as that sounds, keep
it in the forefront of your mind. He has his life and he’s content
with it. You have no place in it.’

‘
Is it really so astonishing he wants to see me?’ I said. ‘Am
I that repellent?’

‘
Don’t be ridiculous. Of course he finds you attractive. Who
wouldn’t? But he has no intention of doing anything about it. He
doesn’t feel the same as you do. To do this now is just cruel. I’m
very disappointed in him.’

‘
Disappointment all round, it seems.’

‘
Are you still going to see him later?’

‘
Yes.’

‘
I broke a vow, telling you what I did,’ Huriel said. ‘I can
see how angry you are with me, but please think of my position in
all this. I can see from your face that nothing I say will change
your mind. All I ask is that you do not reveal what you know. And
be careful. I have told you the truth as I’ve been told
it.’

‘
He made you vow not to tell me he didn’t give a damn?’ I
asked icily.

‘
Essentially… yes.’

‘
I see. What puzzles me then is, if he really cares so little,
why it should bother him if I know that glorious little
truth?’

I didn’t
wait for Huriel’s response. I walked away. He didn’t call me
back.

Now I am
in my room, writing. What’s going to happen to me? Who can I trust?
Certainly not myself, and certainly not Huriel. The way my body
feels, full of swirling energy, the way my heart feels, it’s as if
I’ve just slipped back in time a year. Has Ysobi asked to eat with
me simply to be friends? But he knows the way I feel. Why is he
here, really? This is so dangerous; I know it is. Ysobi made me
ill, yet here I am exposing myself to the infection again. I can’t
keep away.

Pelfazzarsday, Windmoon 9

I suppose
it was anger more than anything that stood at my shoulder as I
walked towards The Ivy House last night. As to who I was most angry
with, I could not tell. I’d been made to feel like a monster and
yet part of me knew – and had always known – that none of it would
have happened if Ysobi had not been a conspirator. When I’d first
met him I’d thought he was a freak, and a rather tedious one at
that, but it had been both his warmth and his personality that had
eventually made me see him differently. Sometimes, I had ached for
him because he’d had such a vulnerable quality. At those times, the
bands about my heart had drawn tighter; it had made me love him
more. So many times over the past year, I’d doubted my memory, as
if the things he’d said to me, the way he’d been with me, hadn’t
happened at all, and it really was all in my imagination. Strangely
enough, it had been Huriel who’d helped me keep a grip on my
sanity, and now I’d discovered that that too was a lie. For a
moment, as I walked through the dark, with the scent of evening all
around me, I saw the triviality of it all. I faltered on the path.
What was the point of this meeting? Nothing good could come of it.
Even if Ysobi was playing games and I ended up in his bed, no doubt
the following morning he’d deny it happened or else say it was all
my doing. And I would be left to cope with the aftermath.
Again.

Turn
back… The voice of my heart was most insistent. I must. I really
must. This was a nexus point. If I turned away now, if I refused to
see him, avoided him even, he would go away and leave me
alone.

But then
there was another voice; a voice I could not hear with my physical
ears. You cannot run away from it. There were no words in my head;
just a touch, just a wisp of feeling. I shivered and turned
round.

And there
on the path before me was a ghost of the twilight. I stared at it
until it swam into focus from the distance, and I saw that it was
my Nagini spirit from the water meadows. He was dressed in some
pale, floating garment, with a scarf around his head, the tassels
of it dangling down. I opened my mouth to utter a greeting, for
surely we knew one another, but he put a finger to his lips. In
mind touch, he said to me: don’t stray from the path, even if it is
hard. You must follow it…

I
couldn’t organize my thoughts to compose a response. I simply
watched him walk past me until he faded into the darkness once
more. I stared at the place where he had vanished for some moments
and then I continued to walk to The Ivy House. Some destinies
cannot and must not be avoided.

I took
Ysobi to the restaurant where Iscane had taken me that first time.
There were hara there I knew, who were clearly interested in my
companion. I made a few cursory introductions as we walked between
the tables, all the time thinking: he is with me. He is walking
behind me. It’s really happening. But it didn’t feel real. It could
have been anyhar behind me.

We sat
down, and Ysobi said, ‘This is rather… upmarket, Gesaril. Is this
the sort of place where you spend your time?’

‘
Upmarket?’ I frowned at him. It was obvious what it meant,
but I pretended ignorance because it was an ancient
term.

Ysobi
rolled his eyes. ‘OK, it seems… a place for high ranking cliques.
You never struck me as a har who’d be into such things.’

I
shrugged. ‘My friends come here.’ I signalled to the waiter, who
glided to our table as if he floated some inches above the ground.
‘Shall I order for both of us?’ I asked.

Ysobi
smiled at me inscrutably, his eyes were blue flames. ‘As you
wish.’

I must
admit it made me feel good to speak with confidence to the waiter.
I felt sophisticated and in control, conscious all the while of
Ysobi’s somewhat humorous gaze upon me.

The order
attended to, I folded my hands upon the table. ‘So, what brings you
to Kyme exactly?’

‘
As I said, a meeting of hienamas,’ Ysobi replied. ‘We need
more organization, training facilities.’

I
laughed. I couldn’t help it. ‘By Aru, could the students keep up
with you?’

He
bridled a little at that. ‘It’s important that hara achieve their
full potential. Too many neglect themselves in a spiritual and
psychic sense. It’s not deliberate, just a product of hara who were
once human producing harlings and subconsciously passing on their
own upbringing. You must know what I mean.’

It took
all of my will not to react badly. ‘I see the sense of it, yes. But
part of me can’t help feeling it’s telling hara what’s good for
them, rather than letting them find out for themselves.’

‘
You were never good with authority, were you?’ Ysobi
observed.

The
waiter returned with our wine and we were silent as he poured it
for us. I sensed ice in the atmosphere between Ysobi and I;
sparring words, a certain viciousness.

‘
So what have you been doing with yourself here in Kyme?’
Ysobi asked, once the waiter had retreated once more.

‘
Working for Huriel,’ I said. ‘I live in his
house.’

Ysobi
nodded. ‘I know that.’

‘
I know you know.’ I wanted to say more but reined myself in.
‘It’s been very… educational.’

‘
I’m sure.’

I
wondered if Huriel had ever told Ysobi about Malakess and me.
Surely not. ‘It’s better for me than the Shadowvales, in any case.
I won’t be going home. Well, this is my home now.’

‘
You’ve obviously fitted in really well. You were meant to
come.’

‘
Perhaps,’ I said, then couldn’t resist adding, ‘but perhaps
not in the way it happened.’

Ysobi
stared at me, and somehow I managed to hold his penetrating gaze.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked. ‘I’m fine with that, if
you do.’

Could you
get any more arrogant? I thought. With effort, I managed a smile.
‘I think I said everything that possibly could be said. What’s the
point? You made yourself perfectly clear to me.’ Or rather, to
others. But of course I couldn’t say that.

‘
I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m really sorry you got hurt. It
wasn’t my intention. I had no idea.’

You
opened me up like a corpse on a slab, I thought. You laid me bare,
and gave to me such strength and warmth. Then you denied all that
and made it out to be something else. How can I sit here and talk
with you about it, when you refuse to admit you were part of
it?

‘
There’s nothing else to say,’ I said.

‘
You don’t know how much I’ve wracked myself over what
happened…’

I wished
he’d stop. I didn’t want to hear it.

‘
It made me look at myself in a different way… I realised
there had to be changes in the way I interacted with my
students.’

And now
another har reaps the benefit of it.

Mercifully, our food arrived, not that I felt like eating. In
fact, I wanted to leave. So close, yet so far, a table top away,
and a host of self delusions in between. We sat in silence, playing
with the meal. This wasn’t working at all. Yet how to escape with
dignity?

‘
Why are you here?’ I asked him.

‘
You know,’ he replied, not looking up from his food. ‘A
meeting…’

‘
I meant here, now. Why?’

He looked
at me then. ‘I want us to be friends.’

‘
Ah, you mean tidy the past away so you can feel comfortable
about it?’

He
grimaced. ‘That is not what I meant. Don’t twist my
words.’

‘
Twist them? That would be hard. They’re twisted
enough.’

‘
No they’re not. That is the truth.’

‘
Well, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.’

He was
beginning to acquire the dark expression of anger that presages
those bursts that occasionally flare out of him. I know he hates
that about himself, but he clearly couldn’t help it. ‘Don’t put
yourself down…’

‘
I’m not. What I meant was if some har had said to me, and
been with me, in the way I was with you, and I felt nothing for
him, I’d run from him like a frightened horse. Yet here you are.
You know how I feel, Ysobi. Why sit here and talk about being
friends? You’re not stupid, so you must know that’s an impossible
request.’