Secrets (18 page)

The foal pulled towards her, soft lips catching at Ellie’s fingers, her eyes dark and hopeful as she sought attention.

“You’re really telling me she doesn’t like you?” Joe said softly.

Ellie breathed in Hope’s warm, sweet, living smell and felt tears catch in her throat. What had she been doing? Hope was just a baby. She didn’t understand. Ellie remembered the promise she’d made that she would always look after her. That meant more than just grooming and feeding; it meant loving her too.

Joe checked his watch. “I’d better put my stuff together. But please don’t give up with Hope.” He ruffled the foal’s mane. “She’s brilliant, so like you—feisty, stubborn, a bit nutty too. I think you could have an amazing partnership with her if you wanted it.” His eyes met hers. “I know she’ll never be Spirit, but she does love you, Els. Give her a chance. Love her back.”

Handing the leadrope to her, he swung himself over the gate.

Ellie led Hope down to her stable. She felt numb on the outside, but inside her thoughts were whirling. As she took off Hope’s headcollar, the foal gave her a hard shove with her nose. Instead of telling her off or walking away as she usually would have done, Ellie placed a hand on either side of the foal’s head and gently stroked with her thumbs. At first Hope tensed, but then gradually she relaxed and her head sank down, her muzzle coming to rest against Ellie’s chest. Ellie swallowed. She’d been trying to kid herself, tell herself that nothing had changed. But it had. Spirit was a ghost. Her real life wasn’t with him like she felt it was, it was here, and the time she spent with him would always be stolen time. Something slipped into place in her brain with a silent click. Suddenly she knew that no matter how much she wanted to fight it, she couldn’t. Whether she liked it or not, things had changed.

She swallowed, realizing what she had to do. Hard as it was, impossible as it seemed, she and Spirit had to say goodbye. He’d lived with her, come back from the grave for her, but their time together had come to an end.

Tears swelled in her throat. Sensing her distress, Hope pushed closer. Ellie kissed her forehead, fighting back the tears.

The living need you.

Spirit’s words echoed in her mind. Yes, Hope needed her; the other horses needed her. She desperately needed Spirit, but she had to be brave.

“I will make you happy,” she promised Hope, her heart aching. “I will love you.”

Leaving the stable, Ellie rested for a moment against the door, her back pressing into the hard wood. How could she do this? Her mind spun down into a black void. She felt so happy when she was with Spirit. How could she possibly find the courage to let him go? She started to shake, involuntary tremors running through her. She would be able to do so much good, help so many horses, but she’d be so lonely.

“Ellie!” she heard Joe’s shout on the main yard.
Hold it together
, she told herself.
Just for a while.
Swallowing, she took a breath and walked on to the yard. By the time she reached the others, the shaking had stopped. Stuart was waiting with the car keys in his hands while Joe said goodbye to everyone: Luke, Sasha, Helen, his dad …

“You will try join-up again when you’re better, won’t you, Dad?” Joe said.

Len nodded. “I’ll be bloody better at it than you by the time you get home next!”

Joe smiled at his competitiveness.

“And I want to hear about everything else you’re doing over there,” Len went on. “I’m expecting phone calls this time—and emails.”

“Sure,” said Joe, and Ellie saw the happiness in his eyes. “See you.” He turned to Ellie. “Bye, Els.” He stepped forward and hugged her. Shutting her eyes, she felt his arms close around her. She wanted the world to stop, to freeze. If they just stayed where they were everything would be all right …

But life never stops. After a few moments, she felt his grip slacken and he started to pull back. Taking a deep breath, she let him go, fighting back the tears.

Luke looked at her. She didn’t meet his eyes, but she sensed his glance and knew he was wondering at the misery on her face. She didn’t have the strength to hide it. She managed to control the tears as Joe climbed into the car, but the second Stuart drove off she turned and ran, heading back to Hope’s stable. She wanted to be by herself so she could cry and cry.

“Ellie!” As she reached the stable door, she heard Luke following her.

Not now. Go away
, she thought, not turning. Her fingers reached for the bolt.

His long strides covered the ground. “Ellie? Are you all right?”

Shutting her eyes, Ellie swallowed.

The next second she felt his arms around her, pulling her towards him.

“What is it?” he said as, unable to stop herself, she started to cry. He stroked her hair over and over again as if calming a horse. “Are you really so upset about Joe going? Is there something between you then?”

“No!” The shock stopped her tears for a moment. “Of course not.”

Was it her imagination or did a look of relief pass through his eyes?

“I’m glad he’s gone back—for him. He’s happy in Canada,” she went on.

“So why are you so upset? What’s happened?” She saw the concern etched on Luke’s face. His tone altered suddenly. “Has someone hurt you?”

“No.” She shook her head. There was no explanation she could give for her tears. “It’s just something, Luke. You can’t understand. No one can.” She tried to turn away but then started to sob, leaning instead against his strong chest. Luke held her close, stroking her hair again.

“Oh, Ellie!”

Hearing the groan in his voice, she looked up. He was shaking his head. “I just can’t do this any more,” he said despairingly.

“Do what?” She was taken aback by the look of confusion in his eyes.

His hands gripped her arms. “Avoid you. Try and stay away from you. Try and behave well for once in my life.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing?”

“Of course it is!” he burst out. “Ever since that moment in the horsebox … no, for longer than that. I don’t know when it started. Maybe when you first walked on the yard. Whenever, why ever, all I know is I’ve never wanted to be serious about anyone in my life, but I want to be serious about you. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I can’t see you cry like this and not want to hold you and make you feel better. I can’t watch you day after day and not want to kiss you.”

“But I … I thought I was just some little kid to you?” she whispered, her mouth suddenly dry.

“Some little kid who I can’t stop thinking about, who I want to be with, kiss, talk to …” Luke’s lips lifted at the corners. “Be told off by.” He shook his head. “I know I should stay away. I know I’m too old for you. I know—”

She didn’t want to hear any more. She stood on tiptoes and silenced him with a kiss.

Slowly, she sank back and they stared at each other.

He broke the silence, his voice husky, incredulous. “You feel the same?”

“Of course I do, idiot,” she said softly. “Surely you know that?”

His hands gripped her more tightly. “I’ll change. I want to be good enough for you. I
will
be good enough.”

She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his. “You already are.”

Luke’s arms quickly folded around her, pulling her close again, his lips meeting hers. When they separated, both of them were flushed, their eyes wide. Ellie could feel her heart hammering against her ribs. This was what she’d dreamt of. This was what she’d longed for since that moment on her birthday.

“What … what happened with Anna?” She forced the words out, but she had to ask.

“I finished with her. I had to. All the time I was with her these last few weeks I just kept thinking about you, trying to block you out, trying to stop thinking about you in that way, but it didn’t work and …” He grinned suddenly. “She is rather annoying. Do this. Do that.”

Ellie’s eyes teased him. “So you think
I
won’t do that?”

“Oh, I’m sure you will,” Luke replied. “Luckily, I like you a lot more than I liked her.” His expression grew more serious. “What about Joe? I know you liked Joe once—are you sure you’re really over him? And is he over you?”

“Oh, yes, so sure!” Ellie assured him. “He’s got a new girlfriend—well, someone he likes anyway.”

She saw the relief in Luke’s eyes. “I’m not like him. You and me—we’ll fight. You know that.”

“But we’ll make up. We’ll make it work. Neither of us is the giving-up type.”

“Oh, I won’t give up,” Luke said, and she saw the absolute conviction in his gaze. “Not ever.”

“Nor me.” They stared at each other.
We’re so alike
, she thought with a flash of clarity.
How can I not have seen it?
Luke stepped towards her and their lips met again. Briefly they were both lost in the moment, but finally Ellie pulled away. Her mind, her body, her heart were buzzing with happiness, but reality was slowly returning. “There’s something I have to do. Will you feed Hope and put her out in the field for me?”

“Sure.” Luke looked surprised. “What is it?”

But Ellie shook her head. “I can’t tell you. Just something.”

“OK.” He touched her lips lightly. “But come back soon.”

“I will,” she promised.

Ellie let herself in through the gate into Spirit’s field. The breeze had dropped and the warm air was still. She walked up the slope, brushing away a fly that buzzed around her head and watching two white butterflies dancing over the grass. The warm weather had dried the earth on Spirit’s grave even more and now it was the palest brown covered with thousands of flecks of green. Soon it would be grass all over. She glanced behind her and saw Len in one of the lower fields, talking to the horses, and Luke leading Hope out to be reunited with Gem. Life changed. It was true. Things always moved on.

Ellie remembered what she’d just said to Luke. She didn’t give up easily, but she also knew that some battles couldn’t be fought, some fights couldn’t be won. This was one of them.

Walk in the present
, she thought, gathering her courage.

She stopped by Spirit’s grave and shut her eyes.
Spirit?

I am here.

She felt his breath on her hands, sensed him standing in front of her. A hand seemed to squeeze her heart tighter and tighter.
Can we go into the woods? I need to be able to see you.

Yes.

Ellie walked on up the field, feeling Spirit walking beside her quietly. She climbed the fence and he jumped over. Once in the privacy of the trees, he appeared to her, his body faint at first but gradually becoming solid. His eyes met hers, deep and dark as forest pools. She couldn’t speak.

She put her arms around his neck.

Ellie?
She heard his concern as he sensed her distress.

Spirit, I … I think we have to say goodbye
.

She tensed, half scared of his reaction, but all she felt was a wave of overwhelming relief from him.

You’re right. We do. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I cannot stay any longer. You need to walk in your present and I need to walk in mine. They were the same, but they’re different now.
He nuzzled her shoulder.

Tears spilled out of Ellie’s eyes and she hugged him as tightly as she could. But even though she was crying this goodbye didn’t feel as it had when he’d been dying because this time, deep down, she knew it was the right thing to do. They had to set each other free.

Spirit breathed on her face, her hands, her arms. Ellie kissed him over and over, trying to fix the feel of him in her mind. She didn’t dare ask the question in her mind. But Spirit read her thoughts.

Yes, we’ll meet again. In another time and place, but for now this is goodbye. Use everything you have learned. Help horses—heal them.

I will, Spirit,
Ellie promised through her tears.
Always
. She stroked his face, his ears, his nose, filled with the impossibility of it all. There wasn’t enough time. She wanted to stroke him forever.
You can’t go
.

I must.

No!

Spirit lifted his muzzle to her face
.
His warm breath dried her tears and his love wrapped around her like a blanket. She hadn’t thought it would be possible, but her anguish suddenly slipped away, leaving her calm and at peace. Even if he wasn’t there with her, his love always would be. Nothing could change that. She swallowed and touched his face.

I love you.
She meant it with every fiber of her being, every cell of her body.
I’ll never forget you or forget what you’ve taught me.

Good. Remember everything and smile.
Sprit snorted and stepped away. Their eyes met one last time, a gaze of such intensity that Ellie would never forget it.

“Spirit …”

But he was gone. The place where he’d been standing was suddenly just an empty space in the trees.

Ellie waited for the pain to hit, but it didn’t come. The feeling of peace stayed as her mind filled with thoughts of all the times she’d spent with him—grooming, riding, talking. The good times. They were what she remembered.

“I’ll see you again one day, Spirit,” she whispered, and though her eyes prickled with tears, she smiled.

Luke was leaning against the gate that led into Gem and Hope’s field, watching the little foal as she bucked around Gem, trying to make the older pony play. Ellie looked at Luke’s long lean body and his dark hair curling at the nape of his neck, and felt the calm inside her give way to happiness.

“Hi,” she called.

He looked around. “Hey there, you. Done what you needed to do?”

“Yep.”

Luke nodded to Hope. “That foal is so cute. I can just see it now; you’ll be stars of the show-jumping circuit. You’ll thank me forever for saying you should buy her.”

“Oh, will I?” Ellie said. “Well, maybe I’d have thought of the idea myself.”

“Nah,” said Luke, his blue eyes glinting teasingly. “It’s down to me. I’m the one with the good ideas. Just accept it.”

Ellie shook her head. “You are
so
arrogant!” Luke grinned. “But you love me?”

Oh, yes
, Ellie thought simply. And, stepping into her future, she stepped into his arms.