Secrets (17 page)

Joe backed up further. Ellie went with him. “Are you sure about this?” she whispered uncertainly.

Joe nodded and she saw a sudden steeliness in his gaze that she had never seen before. “He’s got to realize.”

Len swore loudly and then tried to haul himself towards Rocky. For a moment the horse stood still, but then he took off as Len swore again. He cantered around the ring. “Come here, you stupid rascal!” shouted Len, swinging a crutch at him, but that just made Rocky canter faster.

Ellie could see the frustration and fury on Len’s face, the total feeling of impotence raging through him at his loss of control.

“I said come here!” he yelled, losing his temper with Joe, with the horse. “Stupid, flamin’ …” He ranted and raved, swinging his crutch, anger spilling out of him. Stumbling again towards the horse, Len caught himself on his crutches and swore violently as Rocky cantered on. “Bloody useless legs…” His voice broke up with a sob. Ellie saw his shoulders shake and shot an alarmed look at Joe. With another sob, the fight suddenly seem to evaporate from Len. He slumped over his crutches as he gave in to the frustration, accepting his physical restraint.

“Joe, we should go to him,” said Ellie anxiously.

“Wait. Look what’s happening.” Joe nodded to where Rocky had slowed to a halt. He was staring at Len’s bowed, shaking shoulders with a slightly uncertain expression. He wavered and then with a snort he cautiously approached, just as if it was a normal join-up.

Ellie caught her breath. Reaching Len’s back, Rocky stretched out his muzzle. Len slowly looked around. Ellie saw the incredulity on his face. His shoulders stopped shaking and, leaning on his elbow on the crutch, he simply stared at the horse and the horse stared back. Rocky waited for Len to move towards him and pat him. When the man didn’t, Rocky stepped closer and touched Len’s hand with his muzzle.

Len reached up with his hand. Rocky blew on his fingers and then lifted his nose and breathed on Len’s face.

Ellie watched spellbound as tears glittered suddenly in Len’s eyes. He touched the horse’s neck and then his face. The horse looked at him trustingly and didn’t move. Ellie felt tears spring to her own eyes. Rocky, once so damaged and in need of healing, was now doing the healing himself simply by being a horse. She shook her head. Horses—they were so strong and powerful, yet so eager to trust and love despite what humans often did to them.

Ellie saw Len’s lips start to move as he talked to the horse, caressing him all the time with his hand. She realized she’d never seen him stroke a horse before apart from as a fleeting reward when one performed well.

“It’s worked,” she whispered.

Joe’s eyes were fixed on his dad and Rocky. Slowly, Len adjusted himself on his crutches and began to make his way painfully to the gate.

Rocky followed at his shoulder. Len glanced around and a smile crossed his face, a genuine smile, so rare it was like a glimpse of sun on a winter’s day.

Joe went down to the gate to meet him, with Ellie following. When they reached the gate, Joe unfastened it. For a moment, he and Len just stared at each other.

“I’m sorry, but you needed to be reminded, Dad,” Joe said quietly.

Len nodded slowly. “Aye.” He touched Rocky’s neck. “You’re right, lad. I did.”

Chapter Seventeen

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
to Len?” Luke demanded as he cornered Ellie and Joe in the feedroom later that day. “How did you do it? He’s not been like this for years.”

He and Stuart had arrived back from the show to find Len doing a final check after feedtime. But he wasn’t just glancing briefly into each stall as he usually did; he was stopping at each door, talking to the horses who came to greet him, simply watching the others as they pulled at their haynets or nosed their beds. For the first time since Ellie had known him, he seemed to simply take pleasure in being around the horses.

Luke looked at Ellie. “Was this you again? Is it something you’ve done?”

“No, not me. It was Joe,” said Ellie. “He made Len do join-up with Rocky and since then he’s been different.”

“Seriously?”

Joe nodded.

“But how the hell did you make him do a join-up?”

Joe looked uncomfortable. “Not exactly willingly,” he admitted, and told Luke what had happened.

Luke’s eyes widened. “You shut Len in the ring and wouldn’t let him out.” He laughed incredulously. “Respect, Joe! Even I wouldn’t do that—I don’t think even
Ellie
would.”

Their eyes met for a second. She looked quickly away. Joe was continuing.

“I think it made Dad remember why he wanted to work with horses in the first place. He’s been so much better to be around this afternoon. He’s not shouted anything like as much.”

“So do you reckon he’ll seriously start using join-up and things like that?” Luke asked.

Joe shrugged. “You know Dad, I don’t think he’ll change completely, but he says he’ll try using join-up, and if he starts with that … well, who knows, maybe he’ll move into the whole natural horsemanship thing and really start to change how he does stuff.”

“I hope so,” said Ellie. It was so nice to see her uncle talking to the horses and stroking them, but even better to see him treating Joe with a new respect. As she and Joe had cleaned tack that afternoon, Len had come in to talk with them, asking Joe about everything he’d learned, and he’d seemed to really listen to the answers, taking it all in. Ellie prayed it was the start of a new and more equal relationship between them. She just wished Joe didn’t have to go back to Canada so soon.

But he did. His return plane ticket was booked for a few days’ time and she could tell, deep down, he was looking forward to returning. As she watched him pack on the day he was leaving, she was vividly reminded of the first time he’d left and of how things had changed since. Back then, Joe would never have stood up to Len—he’d never have had the courage to make him join-up with Rocky—but staying with Ray and being encouraged by him had given Joe a new confidence. Never in a million years would Ellie have thought she’d be glad Joe had been sent to Canada, but now she felt happy about it and was glad for him that he was going back, even though she would really miss him. But Joe would be back with Ray—back to the yard where he could practice natural horsemanship techniques to his heart’s content—and back to Lucy …

She picked up a sock. “Here. Don’t forget this.” He looked at her. “Don’t you want to keep it to remember me by?” he teased.

“Gross! Like I’d want one of your smelly socks!” She chucked it at him.

Joe grinned, catching it and shoving it in his rucksack. “It’s strange to be leaving. Saying goodbye all over again.” His expression grew more serious. “It’s hard. I want to be here—particularly with the way Dad’s been behaving the last few days. But I also want to be back there.” He looked rueful. “I wish people could be in two places at once.”

Ellie sighed, thinking how often she’d been wishing the same thing recently. But seeing the sadness on Joe’s face, she forced herself to be positive. “You’ll have a great time when you’re there. You know you will. It’s just the goodbye bit that’s tough.”

Joe nodded. “Last time I went, I kept thinking about a saying of your mom’s you’d told me about. That one about endings?”

“Every ending’s a new beginning?” Ellie said.

“Yeah. It helped. I tried to make myself see going to Canada like that. It
is
hard to say goodbye to one life and start another, but it’s the right thing to do because if you don’t do it, you just stay in the same place—stuck, nothing ever changing.” Joe ran a hand through his hair. “Saying goodbye to what you know
is
a scary thing to do, though.”

Ellie didn’t speak.

Joe gave her a sympathetic look. “But you know that. It must have been the same for you when you left New Zealand.”

Ellie wasn’t thinking about New Zealand. It was Spirit who was in her mind. She let her thoughts take her where she didn’t want to go. Should she be saying goodbye to him? Was that the right thing to do? Her heart twisted savagely. No. How could it be? How could saying goodbye to Spirit ever be right?

Unless he was lonely, yearning to go, staying only for her—unless she really was torn in two, unable to be with him and also give the other horses the time that they needed …

She felt as if she was being pulled inexorably in one direction while she fought and fought to stay where she was. She pushed the thoughts away. She didn’t want to hear them.

“I’ve been thinking about Hope,” Joe went on. “I know we’ve had no time to do anything with her the last few days, but do you want to bring her out now? I’ve got a little while before Stu takes me to the airport.”

“Yeah. Sure,” said Ellie, eager for the distraction.

Joe threw the last few things into his rucksack and

they went outside. It was a sunny afternoon, just a slight breeze streaking the white clouds across the blue sky. Joe went to lay some poles out in a grid in the school, while Ellie fetched Hope from the field. Hope, however, had other ideas. She trotted away whenever Ellie came close.

“Oh, come on, Hope!” Ellie groaned, walking after her, but the foal wheeled away. “Stop being so annoying!” Ellie exclaimed.

The foal hid behind Gem. She looked cute, but all Ellie felt was a rush of exasperation.

“Come here!”

Hope turned her back, and as soon as Ellie walked around Gem, she cantered off again.

With a sigh of frustration, Ellie went back to the stable and fetched some foal nuts in a bucket. As she shook them, the foal came eagerly. She plunged her head into the bucket and Ellie slipped her headcollar on.

“Right, let’s take you up to the ring and get this over and done with. Then you can come back out and I can catch up with other things.”

The foal nipped her.

“Stop it!” Ellie said angrily, pushing her away. Hope nipped her again. “No!” Ellie spoke even more sharply.

Hope jogged and pulled beside her as Ellie led her out of the field and up to the school.

Joe had the training stick and lunge line ready.

“OK, let’s see you try to walk and halt her, and then we’ll move on to backing up.”

Ellie remembered what she’d been doing with Rocky and tried to teach the foal to move forward at a signal from her voice and from the lunge rein, but Hope just seemed determined not to cooperate. When Ellie asked her to move forward, she planted her feet or swung around. When Ellie did get her moving and asked her to stop, she went faster. Ellie grew more and more frustrated and when she glanced at Joe she saw a frown deepening on his face.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” she burst out as Hope trod on her foot when she was trying to get her to halt. “This is pointless, Joe! She won’t do anything I say.”

“OK, stop. Let me try with her and see how she is with me,” said Joe.

He and Ellie swapped places. Ellie watched as Joe started working with the filly in his quiet, patient way, correcting her gently, guiding her, praising her when she was good. Hope kept glancing around to where Ellie was standing, but she soon started to walk and halt and back up on command.

Ellie felt increasingly depressed. In ten minutes Joe had achieved more than she had in several sessions.

Joe halted Hope. “OK, you come and have a try now.”

“What’s the point?” Ellie muttered. “She just won’t do it for me.”

“Well, she won’t if you have that attitude!” said Joe.

Ellie looked up at the unusual sharpness in his tone.

“Ellie, you can’t work a horse if you start off by thinking you’ll fail,” he said. “You know that.” He shook his head. “This is so not like you. You’re the most positive person I know normally. Why are you giving up so easily with Hope?”

Ellie swallowed. “I don’t think she likes me.”

“Doesn’t like you?” Joe stared. “Don’t be stupid, Els! Of course she does. All the time I’ve been working her she’s been looking over at you. All the nipping and messing around she does, it’s just to get
your
attention. Surely you can see that?”

“But she’s got my attention when I’m working her, so why do it?” Ellie protested.

“She’s got your attention, but you’re not engaging with her.” Comprehension suddenly dawned on Joe’s face. “Of course! I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong between the two of you and that’s it—you’re not connecting with her. I’ve never seen you like that with a horse before. Usually whatever you’re doing—whether you’re riding, working a horse in hand, even just grooming—you do it wholeheartedly and you engage completely with the horse you’re working with. But not with Hope. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it when you’re working with her and I think she can feel it too. That’s why she’s messing around, Ellie, I think she likes you, but she doesn’t think you like her.”

“But that’s crazy!” Ellie protested. “Of course I like her. I like all horses!” She shook her head. Joe didn’t know what he was talking about. She
had
connected with the foal—when Hope had been really ill she’d spoken to her, talked to her, made her better …

But even as she denied it in her head, a little part of her was curling up, squirming as she recognized the truth in Joe’s words.

He
was
right. She had connected with Hope then, but almost from the moment she’d bought her she had stopped engaging with her. No wonder the little filly had been confused and started playing up. Ellie hadn’t once tried to talk to her properly. She hadn’t spent time in the stable with her. If anything she’d avoided her.

She stared at Joe. “Oh God!” she groaned. “You’re right.”

Joe led Hope over. “Is it because of Spirit? Maybe …” He hesitated. “Maybe you don’t want to love another horse—you’re scared?”

“No.” Ellie spoke honestly. She knew it wasn’t that. She was no coward when it came to love. But she also knew it
was
because of Spirit. Looking at Hope, she finally realized what she’d been doing. A bit of her felt that if she loved the little filly, if she gave her heart to her properly, it would somehow be an acceptance that Spirit had really gone from her life—her life here on the yard. She didn’t want to think that, she wanted to believe things could be as they were before. To stop it being true, she’d avoided the little filly, not allowing herself to love her, refusing to admit that things had changed and Spirit would never properly come back.