Secrets (13 page)

She patted the gray mare, who nuzzled her affectionately. “It’s all so complicated, Lexi,” Ellie sighed.

“Ellie!”

Hearing Stuart’s voice, she looked around. “I’m in here!” she called.

Stuart’s face was serious as he came to the door. “You know I said I’d try to find out about Rocky?” She nodded.

“Well, I have. A mate of mine used to work at the yard where Rocky came from. He’s left now. Couldn’t stick it any longer.”

“Why?” Looking at Stuart’s face, Ellie felt a cold dread in her stomach. “I thought it was a yard where they have good show results.”

“It is, but they don’t get those results in good ways.” Stuart shook his head. “Seems like they weren’t exactly truthful about Rocky’s history.”

Ellie dread deepened. “What did they do to him?”

“My friend says that when Rocky arrived he was really stubborn and resistant, and when they tried to break him in he fought them so the yard owner, Bill, shut him away in a stable. He wasn’t allowed out. Wasn’t given any food or water until he was weakened, then food or water was never left with him, but he always had to take it from one of the grooms who would carry a bucket in.”

“But that’s awful!” Ellie burst out.

Stuart rubbed his bald head. “Awful but not unusual. You break the horse’s spirit by taking away all it needs—light, space, food, water—you bring it down physically and then you break it in when it’s too damn scared and weak to fight you.”

Ellie swallowed. Now she was beginning to see why Rocky was throwing up such barriers against communication. He must fear all humans.

“Apparently, Rocky was a hard case to crack—even when he was weak he still fought. My friend left before Rocky did, but he reckons given the timescale of when Jeff Hallett bought him and the fact he doesn’t look half starved, Bill would have decided to cut his losses, fatten him up and then dope him in order to sell him.”

“Saying he was quiet as a donkey,” said Ellie, remembering the words of the groom who had dropped Rocky off. She remembered touching Rocky the day he’d arrived and the sense of fog she’d felt from him. He’d been drugged! That explained why his behavior had grown worse over the next few days as the drugs had worn off.

Stuart shook his head. “I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’ll be no easy feat to deal with him now, after that start. Jeff Hallett won’t be pleased. I guess when he finds out he’ll demand his money back from Bill.”

“But that would mean Rocky returning to the same yard!” Ellie couldn’t let that happen. She wouldn’t. She’d throw herself in front of the horsebox before it did. “Stu, I might be able to do something with Rocky now I know all this.” Her eyes pleaded with him. “Let me try. Len won’t be back for a few weeks. Luke won’t care. Let’s just tell Jeff we’re working on him and taking it slowly. He’s not expecting him to be ready for showing until next year anyway. Please?” Stuart thought about it for a few moments and then nodded. “I don’t want to send him back to a place like that either, if you can do something—do.”

Relief rushed through her.

“I’ll leave him to you then,” Stuart said. “I don’t know what you do, but I do know you have a knack with horses like him. Be careful though. It’s not worth getting injured for.”

Ellie nodded. She’d no idea what she would do. She’d already tried communicating with Rocky and had got nowhere, but now she was determined to keep trying. She wouldn’t let him be sent back.

Ellie put the grooming kit away in the tackroom. She’d been hoping to see Spirit after she’d groomed Lexi. With Luke and Len not around and three of the livery horses to prepare for a show the next day, she hadn’t had a chance to visit his grave all day. She hesitated. She wanted to see him, he’d be missing her, but Rocky needed her too.

And Hope, she admitted guiltily. She hadn’t had time to do anything with the foal other than put her out in the field with Gem. The little foal’s manners were getting worse—she was starting to barge around when she was led and refusing to lift her feet up for Ellie to pick out her hooves. Ellie felt slightly confused at her own behavior if she was honest. She’d been so keen to buy Hope, but since she’d bought her and got back from the Royal International she’d done nothing with her really.
It’s just ’cause I’ve been so busy
, she told herself.
It won’t harm her to just go out in the field with Gem. I can start training her more in a while.

Ellie now looked towards the field with Spirit’s grave in, pulled in different directions. Spirit needed her and she wanted to be there, but the words he had spoken to her came back into her head:
The living need you more than I do.

She sighed. Rocky really
did
need her. Trying to ignore the pull of Spirit’s grave, she went to the barn where the young bay was stabled.

As usual, he hunched himself up in a corner when she came to the door, his eyes scared, his muscles tense, his beautiful head to the wall. She could feel how much he wanted to run away from her.

Ellie let herself into the stable, watching him closely. If he tried to go for her, she would have to get out. But the horse didn’t move.

Ellie took a breath and shut her eyes.

Breathing deeply in and out, she cleared her mind, emptying all thoughts of Luke, Len, Joe, Hope, even Spirit. All she thought about was the frightened horse in front of her. Love and the desire to help welled up as she opened her mind and sensed the familiar barrier around him.

Let me in
, she thought patiently.
I only want to help, Rocky. I know what’s happened to you.

How could she get through to him? Acting on her instincts, she sent him pictures of what Stuart had told her—she imagined a stable, imagined feeling confined, hungry, thirsty, scared; having no water, no food; growing weaker …

She heard a movement in the straw and opened her eyes. Rocky had turned towards her. He was staring at her as if he’d picked up on her thoughts.

“It’s OK,” she whispered. “I know about it.” Thinking about how he must feel, about how humans had been the aggressors in his life, she took a risk and sank down on the straw and pulled her knees to her chest, making herself small. Then shutting her eyes, she imagined the hunger and thirst again, and over it she sent all the love and understanding she could.

Very slowly, she felt a change in the atmosphere in the stable. It was as though the barrier between them was slowly starting to melt.

The straw rustled. She sensed movement and knew he was coming towards her, but she didn’t open her eyes. Giving the horse her trust, she stayed still as she felt him approach. She was at his mercy sitting there. He could do anything, kick her, bite her …

Warm breath blew over her fingers. She opened her eyes and saw that his muzzle was by her hands. She stared into his dark eyes and for a moment felt lost in time and space. Very slowly, she reached out and touched the center of his forehead, her hand cupped, resting as lightly on him as a leaf floating on a stream. The doors opened suddenly between them, the walls falling down and their minds connecting. In a single second it seemed as if a thousand thoughts passed between them. Ellie had never felt such a rush of feelings and images. She let everything flow through her and felt a huge sense of release as Rocky suddenly sighed deeply.

For a long moment Ellie just sat there. She’d never felt anything like this before. To go from no connection to suddenly feeling everything … she waited, letting the energy settle, sensing Rocky slowly relax. The air seemed to grow heavy and still around them and then she heard his voice in her head.

Why did they do it?

Ellie had been asked that question by horses before. Once again, she had no real answer as she sensed his confusion and bewilderment.
Because … because that’s just the way some humans behave to horses. But not here. You’re safe here. Tell me about what happened to you.

She saw into his memories. The stable was even smaller than she’d imagined it, completely dark with no windows, the top door shut and bolted. She could feel Rocky’s terrible hunger; the thirst raging through him; the fear every time the door opened, and then the growing hatred of the humans who would only let him eat and drink from the buckets they were holding. She could feel his body weakening and then she became him as one day he was led to the ring, legs and body weak, eyes hurting in the strong sunlight. She saw the two men approaching, one with a lunge whip, one with a riding hat who mounted. Half-starved and dehydrated, she felt the fear and fury surge through Rocky in equal measures. Bucking and kicking, he threw the weight from his body and then turned on the man in the center, chasing him across the school until the man escaped by throwing himself over the fence.

He snorted softly and she sent him waves of love and comfort.

Oh, Rocky. It won’t happen here. Don’t be scared any more. Don’t hate. You have to let people ride you or you’ll be sold, but you’ll go out in the fields, you’ll eat freely, drink fresh water.
She sent him pictures of being out in the sunny fields, of him trotting happily around the schooling ring carrying a rider, of big haynets and buckets of fresh water. Then she stood up, wanting to heal his unhappiness. With one hand on his chest and another on his back, she watched his face as she let healing energy flow. His head dropped low, his eyes half closing. He licked and chewed with his mouth.

Lost in what she was doing, Ellie moved around his body, placing her hands where she sensed it would help. Rocky swayed gently from side to side, completely relaxed now.

When she sensed he had had enough, she returned to his head and placed her hand on his forehead once more. She felt his new happiness, calmness, balance. Taking her hand away, she stepped back. Rocky blinked and slowly raised his head, looking slightly dazed as if he had been asleep. He looked at her and then stepped forward and nuzzled his face against her.

Ellie rubbed his neck, happiness welling inside her as she saw the trust in his eyes. She’d thought it would take her ages to work with him, but that was the thing about communicating with horses in the way she did. She could never predict how long it would take to help them: some would need patience and time; others, like Rocky, could be helped in a single session. She could sense how much Rocky had wanted to be rid of the fear and confusion, so much so that once he had put his trust in her, he had been prepared to let her help him as much as she could.

“You’re so brave,” she whispered, smoothing his forelock and realizing what a special horse he was. “Thank you for letting me in.”

She was suddenly overwhelmed by the sense that this was where she was meant to be, what she was meant to be doing with her life and joy bubbled up through her. But then an image crossed her mind. A gray horse standing on a hillside.
Spirit.

Ellie felt as if cold water had washed all over her. She couldn’t be healing horses and be with Spirit. Yes, she could go between the two, but she knew what the pull was like to be with Spirit, how it had taken a horse as badly in need as Rocky to make her turn away from his grave that day. It would have been fine if she had empty days, but she didn’t. There was always so much to do on the yard—people needing her to do this, that and the other—and now it was the summer break. Her time would become even more stretched when she was back at school.

But what can I do?
she thought helplessly.
I can’t give up either thing.
She looked at Rocky, now standing half asleep beside her, and felt again the joy and fulfillment of making him better. But then she thought of Spirit again and experienced the familiar longing for him. She wanted to see him, stroke him, talk to him—he was her horse and she loved him more than anything in the world. When she was with him, she felt happy and at peace, as if he had never died.

What
could
she do?

She swallowed. There was no easy answer.

Chapter Fourteen

YOU DID SO WELL.

Ellie stood stroking Spirit’s mane. It was dusk, the sky deepening to a dark gray, the first few stars shining out.
His fear, his hunger and thirst—it was awful, Spirit.

Spirit breathed on her hands.
But you helped him. I was so glad I could
. Ellie remembered the feeling of fulfillment, but as she thought about it she also remembered the way she had felt so torn. She didn’t want Spirit to see her thoughts. But it was too late.

He sent the feelings back to her—the doubts, the confusion, the feeling of being pulled in two ways—with a question.
You felt like that?

Lying wasn’t possible.
Yes. Only for a moment, though. It’s just hard finding time for everything sometimes.
She tried to smile.
But though I like helping horses, I want to be here, with you. That’s the most important thing.

She reached for Spirit’s thoughts, wondering how he was feeling; hoping he wasn’t hurt by her admittance. But all she found was a quiet thoughtfulness.

Maybe there’s a reason why the dead don’t come back.

Ellie felt her stomach clench and suddenly she was scared of where the conversation was heading. She changed the subject.

Should … should we go for a ride?

Spirit snorted softly.
Yes.

Was it her imagination or had she picked up relief from him at the change of subject too?

She vaulted on to his back and they set out into the woods. It was a quiet ride. Neither of them spoke much to each other. Ellie felt as though her thoughts were swirling, grabbing at her, trying to be heard, but she pushed them determinedly away.

We’re here together now
, she reminded herself.
That’s all that matters. Walk in the present, remember?

She focused on the feel of Spirit’s warm back beneath her, the feel of his silky mane in her fingers, and tried not to think about anything else.

The next morning, Ellie heard from Joe, saying that he’d booked a flight and would arrive in two days’ time on Monday afternoon. She was longing to see him. Luke seemed to be avoiding her. Whenever she went into the feedroom or tackroom, he always found an excuse to leave and he never once suggested they hack out together. Ellie missed the closeness they’d had. She’d grown used to him teasing her, talking to her, discussing the horses with her. There weren’t even any shows to bring them together. With Len out of action, Stuart had cancelled all the show trips apart from the ones where clients’ horses were entered.