Red Sun (18 page)

             
He laughed a little.  “
Who’s
rules?”

             
“
Mine.”
.             

             
Jolon’s laugh faded into a smile and he bit down on his lip.  “I was just gonna say that I didn’t tell you everything.  There might have been more to why I was so cold toward you when we first met.”

             
I’d honestly thought it was because he’d caught me spying.  “Like what?”  I asked, fearing that might really be the reason.

             
His white teeth flashed briefly when he smiled and looked off into the distance.  It was a nervous smile that was meant to hide the truth buried beneath the words that were about to come out of his mouth.  “I felt guilty,” he blurted.

             
“Guilty?  Why would you feel guilty?”

             
He hesitated.  “Because I was…maybe a little more attracted to you than I care to admit,” he forced out as the smile began to disappear.

             
“Ok, but that still doesn’t explain anything.  I was attracted to you too.  What’s wrong with that?”  I asked.

             
Now, his face was completely expressionless.  My intuition detected the sadness that he was trying to suppress.  After a few seconds passed, he finally replied, “It didn’t seem fair.”

             
The way he was talking was as if I should already know what he meant.  “I don’t understand.  Unfair to who?  Elan?”

             
He ignored my question and went on.  “Not once since losing her had I ever looked at a woman the way I caught myself looking at you, and it made me feel…..
terrible
, like I was being unfaithful.”  He rubbed his forehead and cleared his throat.  “Her name was Nita.” 

             
The name rang a bell; Kaya had mentioned it.  So, I knew she was Jolon’s girlfriend once upon a time, but that was
all
I knew.  “You said you lost her?”  I asked softly.

             
He nodded.  “About a year and a half ago.”

             
I was an expert at knowing the woes of losing a loved one, but a failure at knowing how to cope with it.  I’d had more time to deal with my loss than him and still hadn’t made much more progress.  I didn’t know what to say because I know all too well that there’s nothing you
can
say to make it better. 

             
“What happened?”  I asked softly, unsure if he’d really tell me or not.

             
His jaw was tight as he remembered it and there was pain in his eyes that told me more than his story ever could.  “She was sick; cancer.  We found out in December and I didn’t even recognize her by March.  It happened that fast.”  I tried to imagine having to watch someone that I loved suffer for months before finally passing on.  It almost made me grateful that my mom and Shalon were taken right away. 

             
I looked away when I saw him wipe his eyes once, trying to keep my own emotions in check.  “We were together from the first day of high school until the day she passed.  I loved everything about her,” he said smiling dimly.  “As soon as I saved up enough money, I asked her to marry me so we could do things the right way – about a month before we found out about the tumor.  After the doctor’s gave her the prognosis, I think she knew she didn’t have long.  I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me.”  Jolon shook his head slowly.  “That look used to make me miss her and she hadn’t even gone anywhere yet.”

             
I held back my tears as long as I could, but listening to him talk made that impossible.  Although
he
was the one who should’ve been able to find condolence in
me
, he reached over and rubbed my back.

             
“Am I upsetting you?”  He asked as he placed his hand on the back of my arm again.

             
I shook my head, ‘no’ and fanned at my face to dry my eyes.  The first thing that came to mind was to tell him that I didn’t really want to talk about it and to keep my personal life personal.  But then I thought about the story he’d just shared with me; the story of the biggest hurt he’d ever experienced.  It didn’t seem right to hold back on him after that.  Not wanting him to see me cry wasn’t a good enough excuse at this point.

             
Jolon leaned his head to the side and studied my face carefully.  “You’ve lost someone too?”

             
I inhaled and drew my legs in closer.  “My mom and twin sister,” I breathed, shocked that I’d really told it. 

             
He sat still, maybe not even breathing for a few seconds.  “I had no idea.”

             
I nodded.  “Yeah, I don’t really talk about it.”

             
“Well, you don’t have to tell me anything.  I get it,” he said comfortingly. 

             
“No, it actually might do me some good to get it out.”  I sighed and took a few seconds to add, “The accident was four years ago today.”  Instantly, I began second guessing myself as I prepared to tell him as much as I could manage to get out.  Jolon’s sadness still lingered in the air, like the charge you feel in the air before a storm. 

             
“Take your time,” he said delicately.

             
As a side effect of my extreme nervousness, I smiled a little.  “This isn’t something I usually share with people.”  I looked off into the distance and breathed deeply.  Jolon watched me silently, waiting.  “I was fourteen when it happened.  My mom was driving us all home after going to see a movie that night.  It was raining hard;
really
hard. She was a little more careful than usual and I remember her saying that the roads were slick. Me and Shalon weren’t really paying attention; we were just sitting in the backseat talking about the movie.” 

             
For a second, as I retold the story, I was back there on that day, in the backseat right beside my sister.  The raindrops falling and hitting the windshield and splattering on the sidewalks as we drove home were as real to me now as they were then.  My mother’s perfume was all around me, and the scent from the half filled bag of popcorn Shalon brought out from the theatre too.  In my mind, I could see her smiling and I had to close my eyes. No one could make her laugh like I could. My stomach wrenched into a knot and I hugged my knees tighter to dull the pain.  On cue, as if he could feel the agonizing sensation too, Jolon’s arm eased around my shoulders.  His embrace made the knot loosen up just a little and I attempted to stop the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.  With the palms of my hands, I wiped them away as best as I could, angry at myself for breaking down. 

             
“Don’t do that,” he said softly, running both of his hands down my arms, then to my hands as he gently pulled them away from my face.

             
I sniffed.  “Crying is a waste of time and energy and it never makes anyone feel better,” I insisted.  Jolon pulled my body closer to his and hugged me a little to keep me from putting my hands back to my face to remove the tears.  Pressed against his chest, I could feel the slow draw of each breath that he took, forcing mine to fall into synch. 

             
“Solei, you’re allowed to cry sometimes.  If that’s how you need to deal with what you’ve been through, then stop trying to hold it in.”

             
I heard him, but he couldn’t have had any idea what he was saying.  If I let it all out there wouldn’t be anything left in me.  “No, crying isn’t gonna help anything.  I just need to go back inside to get a drink and calm down,” I explained.

             
“Listen to yourself!”  Jolon’s tone startled me.  “You ran out here to get away from yourself, now you’re running back inside to get away from yourself.”  He leaned forward so that he could look me in my eyes.  “There’s nowhere else to run, Solei.” 

             
My chest was heaving and I wanted to protest and tell him that he was wrong…..but he wasn’t.  I’d reached the end of the proverbial rope and had to decide whether to let go, or tie a knot and continue to hang on.  Straining to hold it all in made my throat burn like I’d swallowed a handful of needles.  In that moment, I felt alone and hurt and could feel myself slipping away.  My mind was on the verge of leading me away from reality.  The need to hold on to something solid, something real, was so great that I felt dizzy, forcing me to close my eyes.

             
Jolon’s touch on the side of my neck was so gentle, like a feather grazing my skin lightly as it floated past.  When I reopened my eyes, he’d made the space between us almost completely disappear. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined us in the midst of this moment.  We’d both shared something about ourselves that we don’t share with just anybody.  So, what does that mean?  To him, am I not just anybody?  Does it mean that he’s more than that to me? In the back of my mind, I already knew the answer to all of these questions.  It was becoming harder and harder for him to hide his feelings.  And yes, to me he is much, much more than some random anybody. 

             
As I stared, I could see him fighting within himself, struggling against the pull he felt toward me in this fragile moment.  I needed him.  Not at all in the sexual way that I’d felt in the past; this was very different from that. This was an emotional longing that hadn’t been there this strongly before.  It wasn’t until then that I realized just how deep my feelings for him ran. 

             
This time, when he touched my neck again, his hand was trembling a little.  Mine were too to be quite honest.  Reluctantly, he pulled me to him and I closed my eyes, letting my fingers touch his face when I finally felt his lips on mine.  I exhaled and let all the tension leave my body all at once as a few more tears escaped.  Jolon seemed to be the cure.  I breathed in the mellow scent of his skin and held my breath to savor it.   

             
I felt myself relaxing in his arms as he pulled the blanket I’d loaned him around me too, keeping our body heat in and the cold out.  His solid, massive physique was remarkable and I needed to be closer. I ran my hands down his chest and then around to his back. 

             
I don’t know if it was my emotions or just frustration from hiding my feelings for so long, but I’d never felt so drawn to a man in my life.   More than anything, I was ecstatic that Jolon was finally not holding back with me.  This was the first time he’d just followed his heart.  All that was on his mind at this moment was me. 

             
The kiss slowed as Jolon loosened the hold he had on me and I knew that it was about to come to an end if I didn’t take matters into my own hands.  I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.   Jolon moaned quietly and the kiss deepened when I climbed over his legs and straddled him.  I could feel his breathing quicken as he exhaled at erratic intervals.  I ran both my hands up through the back of his damp hair and pressed my body even closer to his.  This was my one chance to get him to disassociate me from his brother, and start seeing me with
him
.  As far as I was concerned, in that moment, he wasn’t Elan’s brother.  In fact, in that moment Elan didn’t even exist to me.

             
Despite my best efforts and how much he was enjoying this, I could feel Jolon starting to pull away slightly.  I knew what was happening.  At this point, he’d allowed himself to forget about me for that split second and was thinking of Elan; how much this would hurt him, how this could affect their relationship, and maybe even whether or not I was really worth risking that much for.  Slowly but surely, he started to disconnect emotionally and his body stiffened – making it difficult to continue kissing him.  All of a sudden, Jolon’s lips stopped moving and his hands slid down to my waist lifelessly. 

             
“What’re you doing?”  I asked softly.  I backed away to look at his face; guilt was all over it. 

             
“I can’t do this,” he breathed, running his hand over his mouth as if he had to remove any and all traces of me ever touching his lips.  He lifted me from his lap and adjusted himself inside his shorts – failing at his attempt to conceal the fact his body was ready for me even if his heart wasn’t.

             
“You’re kidding me right?”  I sighed and stood to my feet.  “Every time,” I mumbled to myself. 

             
He shook his head as my words made him feel even worse.  “Solei, he’s my brother,” Jolon explained.

             
“And I’m not his girl,” I scoffed.  “So there really shouldn’t be a problem.”

             
“Didn’t we already talk about this?”

             
“Then why did you come over here?  Is this fun to you?  I’m sick of you leading me on and then backing away!  Seriously!” 

             
“I came over here to check on you!”  He answered.  “None of this other stuff was in my plan.”