Red Sun (15 page)

             
“Uhhh……you sure you’re not too early.”

             
I smiled sweetly.  “No.  Ruthann asked me to get in a little early to wait for a delivery,” I lied.  He looked at me curiously and then finally drove off.  In order to keep Jolon from driving off in the other direction when he saw me, I waited off to the side.  In my mind, I tried to play out how this was going to go, but I was honestly nervous about what he’d say, and even a little nervous about what
I’d
say.  There were things on my heart that I wasn’t even willing to admit aloud to myself, but it scared me to think that he might be able to draw them out. 

             
In the midst of my thoughts, I heard the sound of an engine roaring and then tires driving over the pebbles in the parking lot.  It had to be him.  I waited good and well until he turned the truck off and closed the door behind him before letting him see me.

             
“Wait,” I called out.  At first he was startled, and then when he saw it was me he became annoyed.  “Hold on,” I said louder when he continued to walked toward the shop.

             
I blocked his way and held my hands up to his chest.  He rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration.  “Why’re you avoiding me?”  I asked

             
“If I wanted you to know, I wouldn’t be avoiding you now would I,” he replied flatly.

             
“I mean, we were doing ok!  What happened that made you go back to……to this?”  I asked, looking him up and down.

             
He looked up at the sky and rolled his eyes.  “Don’t worry about it,” he said.  “I just think it’s best if we don’t see each other more than we have to.”

             
“Why?  Why does it have to be that way?  I don’t understand!”

             
“Maybe you’re not supposed to,” he said forcefully.             

             
I steadied my breathing and calmed down.  “I’m just trying to figure out what I did to piss you off.  Did I say something?  Did I do something?”  I hated the sound of my voice because it came across like I was pleading; maybe because I was.

             
“Look, Solei, I don’t hate you or anything, but I don’t wanna be your friend either.”  His tone was cold.

             
I looked him in his eyes.  “I don’t believe you.”

             
His jaw tightened.  “Then don’t, but it’s the truth.  We should’ve just left things between us the way they were in the first place.”

             
“What?  Both of us wishing the other was dead?  That’s how you want it?”

             
“I never wished you were dead,” he replied, implying that I was over exaggerating.

             
“Speak for yourself,” I replied.

             
Jolon shook his head and looked down at the ground.  “Then what do you want from me, Solei?  Since nothing I do seems to be good enough, just tell me what you want.”

             
“I want us to get along!  Maybe even be friends!  Why is that impossible?” I asked loudly, and maybe even angrily.

             
He paced back a few steps to keep his cool.  “Because I care too much to just be your friend!”  He yelled; mad at me for making him say the words.  We both stood there in silence, both in shock, both unsure of what to say next.  He mumbled something to himself and then looked up over my shoulder and nodded.  I looked back to find that sometime during our talk Ruthann had arrived and was now watching the conversation between Jolon and I unfold.  She appeared to be concerned, but when I smiled and waved, she finally walked away.

             
When I looked back at Jolon, he was still frustrated and staring off into the distance.  “We need to talk,” I blurted.  “Will you come pick me up when the shop closes?”  I asked, half thinking he’d refuse.

             
He wouldn’t even look me in the eye when he nodded and then pushed past me to go inside to buy whatever he’d come to get.  I couldn’t move from where I stood.  I never expected him to admit to feeling similarly about me like I feel about him.  Now this put things in a whole new light.  Things I’d been so sure of were now starting to seem less stable than I once thought.  Minutes passed before I heard the door to the shop open and close behind me.  I watched Jolon walk past, again not saying one word, and then leaving me behind to wonder what would happen when he came back that night if he even showed up at all.

Chapter Six

              Ruthann watched me when I finally came inside.  She wanted to ask questions but was probably too busy jumping to her own conclusions about what was going on between me and Jolon.  I smiled a little when I walked past her and set my purse beneath the counter. 

             
“Everything ok?”  She asked, forcing a smile to mask her concern.

             
I took a deep breath.  “Yeah, everything’s fine.  I just had to talk to him about something.”

             
She cleared her throat.  “Must’ve been something pretty heavy.”

             
I heard his confession in my head again.  Did he mean what I think he meant?  “Mmmm…I guess you could say that.”

             
“Wanna talk about it?”  She asked caringly.

             
With Kaya gone, it wasn’t like I had anyone else to bounce my thoughts off of.  “Ruthann, I like Elan.  You probably already guessed that, though.”

             
She smiled.  “I had a hunch.  But what does that have to do with Jolon?”

             
My mind was spinning, but I did my best to get my thoughts together.  “I thought I hated him.  Then I thought we could be friends, but now I’m starting to think that…..that I might like him a little more than that.  And after just talking to him in the parking lot, he feels the same way about me.  I don’t know what to do.”

             
She sat down on the stool beside me where I leaned over the counter to pout.  “So, does Elan suspect anything?”

             
“No.  Not that I know of,” I replied.             

             
“Are things with you and him serious enough that he’d be upset if he knew about you and his brother?”

             
“I’m pretty sure he’d be mad, more at Jolon than me though.  Not that that’s any better,” I replied.  “I’m not trying to come in between them.  I just think it might already be too late.  The wheels are already in motion.”

             
Ruthann sat silently for a moment.  “You know?  I had a feeling that the drama between you and Jolon was more than just your average quarrel.  There’s an old saying that says the opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference.”

             
I was confused.  It was a little early for me to interpret deep philosophical meanings.  “What’s that mean?” I asked.

             
She laughed a little and patted my arm. “When you don’t love someone, you don’t hate them; that’s too strong an emotion to waste on someone insignificant.  If you didn’t love someone you’d be indifferent; it’d be like they didn’t even exist.  But I believe that hate is nothing more than displaced emotions that a person can’t handle.  So if you can’t handle loving someone or feel like you shouldn’t, you turn those feelings into something negative; like hatred.”

             
I was starting to see where Ruthann was coming from, but I wasn’t sure I liked it. While I continued to think, she stood from her chair and went to the back to give me some space.  Things were getting really murky.  No one’s feelings were crystal clear except for Elan’s.  Even mine were muddied now.  My emotions toward one brother couldn’t be distinguished from my feelings toward the other.  I found myself wondering how any of this ever happened. 

             
For the rest of the day, Ruthann steered clear of me, knowing that I was deep in thought about my plight.  When she walked to the front door to turn the sign to ‘closed’, I glanced up at the clock confused.  The entire day had passed so quickly that I wasn’t even aware that it was time to lock up.  If the store was closed then that meant it was almost time for Jolon to be showing up and I still hadn’t figured out how this was supposed to go.  In the midst of my meltdown, a set of headlights pulled into the parking lot and I didn’t even have to wonder who it might be.  Ruthann raised her eyebrows sympathetically, letting me know that she had no more of an idea about what I should do than I did.

             
When I reached for my purse, she wished me luck and rubbed my back as I headed for the door.  I pushed it open and walked to the truck, hesitating when I got to the back, thinking that this conversation could possibly do more harm than good.  But there was no point in denying what was already happening.  Right before I got to the door, Jolon reached over and pushed it open for me.  Inside, he was staring straight ahead like he couldn’t stand to look at me.  I felt uncomfortable even though I hadn’t yet stepped foot inside the truck yet.

             
I placed one foot on the step and then the other when he offered me his hand and pulled a little to help me in.  I’d just shut the door behind me when he took off onto the street.  There was a lot that needed to be said but it seemed as though neither of us knew quite how to say it.   Nervously, I picked at my nails hoping he’d start.  It felt like my stomach was in knots and I wanted to get the talk over with. 

             
Jolon turned down a dark street and drove slowly over a small bridge that cut across a creek.  We pulled up in front of an old house that had long since been abandoned.  I stared at the sagging pitch roof and sinking porch.  Jolon turned off the engine and the lights before leaning back in his seat. 

             
“You wanted to talk?”  He asked coldly.

             
I continued to stare at the old rundown house.  “What’d that mean; the thing you said earlier?”  My legs felt numb.

             
From the corner of my eye, Jolon shrugged nonchalantly.  “It didn’t mean anything really.  Why?”

             
“How could that not mean anything?  You said you care about me too much to be my friend.  I think that meant a
whole
lot actually.”

             
He sighed.  “You’re making more out of it than you should.  It wasn’t supposed to come out like that.”

             
“Well, maybe it wasn’t supposed to, but it did.  And I think now you’re trying to downplay it because you’re scared.”  I folded my arms over my chest and turned to look at him.

             
He laughed and grabbed his hair like I was driving him crazy.  “Scared of what, Solei? You’re half my size.  The biggest thing on you is your mouth.”

             
“Yeah whatever, but you don’t have the balls to say what’s on your mind and the only thing I can think of that would make a man act like a coward is that he’s scared.”

             
“Don’t try to use your little Jedi mind trick on me.  It’s not working.”

             
I shrugged.  “I’m not the one playing mind games.  You’ve got that department on lock,” I replied.

             
He laughed quietly again.  “What mind games have I played?  Everything I’ve done has been because I wanted to, not because I’m trying to manipulate someone.”  I could tell I was beginning to get under his skin, and that seems to be the only way to get him to speak his mind.  That’s the same way it went when he made the confession when we spoke that morning. 

             
“Fine, just take me back to Ruthann’s please.”  I rested my head against the seat.

             
“I thought you wanted to talk?”  He asked, becoming increasingly annoyed.

             
“I do, but I’m the only one who’s not afraid to speak my mind so we’re not gonna get anywhere.”

             
I could hear him panting in frustration.  His wheels were turning and I had a feeling he was getting ready to say what I wanted him to say.  He smiled a little and cocked his head to the side.  “Well since you’re not afraid to speak your mind, speak it.”

             
My plan completely backfired.  He’d hold me hostage here until I said something.  “This is supposed to be about what you said earlier in the parking lot.”

             
He smiled slyly.  “It is.  But there’s got to be a reason you wanna know so bad.  Maybe there’s something you need to get off your chest.”

             
My lungs moved rapidly, causing me to breathe in short choppy breaths.  “I just want to be sure about what you meant,” I replied.

             
He leaned in, moving closer to my face than I was comfortable with.  “Ok, but why?”

             
I could feel my palms starting to sweat, so I wiped them on my shorts inconspicuously.  “Because.”

             
“Because why?”

             
Jolon had shifted the imaginary spotlight to me, causing me to feel like I was standing on stage alone with an audience of people staring at me.  The pressure was crazy.  “Because…” I started again.  “Because maybe I think I feel the same way you do.”

             
He said nothing…absolutely nothing.  I imagined he was thinking about what a mess this was becoming just like I was.  He could’ve been thinking of his brother who’d want to kill him if he knew we were having this conversation.  It could’ve been any number of things.

             
“Say something,” I whispered.             

             
He looked down and shook his head a little.  His forehead creased with tension as he massaged the bridge of his nose while he thought.  “This is bad,” he finally breathed.

             
“Bad why?”  I asked.  “Why does this have to be bad?”

             
“Because, Solei!”  He yelled.  “Because you’re my brother’s girl and…..and it’s just bad; like I said.”

             
“Jolon, I’m not with Elan like that.  We just hang out.  Nothing serious has happened.”

             
He shook his head in frustration like I wasn’t understanding what he was trying to say.  I leaned back to listen more closely.  “Elan is my brother,” he explained solemnly.  “Whether the words have ever been spoken or not, you’re with him as far as I’m concerned.  I know him enough to see that he has feelings for you, and nothing can change that fact.  Which means that anything I do from here on out is wrong and I can’t live with that on my conscience.”  He shook his head again and started the engine.  “This isn’t right.  I shouldn’t even be here with you.”

             
I put my hand on his while it was still resting on the key.  “Wait a second.  You can’t even sit here and talk to me?  We’re not doing anything Jolon!  If we leave now we’ll never settle this.”

             
“There’s nothing to settle!  What don’t you get?”  He yelled

             
“I don’t get why you’re writing me off!  If I’m sitting here telling you that I like you and that I can’t just pretend not to, that has to mean something.”  I paused and took my hand off his.  “Doesn’t it?”  I asked softly.

             
He stared down and didn’t say anything for a long time.  Our conversation was stressing him out and I felt bad.  He raked his fingers through his hair and ran his hand over his mouth.  “Solei, I can’t do something that’s going to hurt him.”  That was his final answer, I could feel it.  There was no use in saying anything else.  We’d accomplished nothing except for making it more certain that both of us would be left to wonder what could’ve been.  I sat quietly when Jolon reached to shift the truck into reverse to take me back to the shop.  We’d left so much undone, so much unsaid that I almost wished I hadn’t had the bright idea to blitz him this morning.  It is quite possible that there are some things that we’re better off not knowing.  And knowing that Jolon wants to be with me too, is one of them.

             
When he dropped me off, neither of us spoke.  He was mad that twice I’d forced him to have a forbidden conversation and I was mad that he was so willing to ignore the obvious chemistry between us simply because his brother asked me out the day before he did.  It sucked.  Not that I don’t like Elan, but there’s something about Jolon that I can’t seem to put my finger on.  Something that keeps me thinking about him at all the wrong times and won’t let me fall asleep at night without dreaming about him at least once.

             
I rolled my eyes at him and slammed the door behind me before going to sit on the curb in front of the store to wait for my dad.  Jolon pulled up a little.  “Are you sure you don’t just want me to take you home?”  He asked.

             
I almost gave him the finger, but I think the scowl on my face got my point across.  He shook his head at me and then skidded off down the road.  I wasn’t sure if he’d hurt my feelings or if I was just frustrated.  Either way, I wanted to fight him.

             
The only person I could think to talk to was Tarik, but he didn’t answer his phone.  So, instead, I lay there in my bed that night thinking while the radio lulled in the background.  I was still seething with anger from earlier.  The relationship between his brother and me is all in his head; I think that’s what frustrates me the most.  Elan’s a great guy and I do like him too, but…..but…..I don’t know.  This just didn’t seem fair to me.