No Going Back (8 page)

I hear my phone going off alerting me that I got a text as I’m getting out of the shower. I towel dry my hair real quick before wrapping the towel around my body.

Nick:
Hey, I want you to go out with me tonight.

I think about his message for a minute. I’m not really sure what he’s implying and I’m even more unsure if I want to go out…with anyone. Jesika interrupts my thoughts, “Who texted ya?” she asks while flipping through a baby magazine.

I’m a little hesitant to respond, because I already know she’ll play mother hen with me. “Umm, it’s just Nick.”

“What’d he want?” Oh, here with go with a game of twenty questions.

“Me to go out with him tonight.” My phone chimes again.

Nick:
Just as friends, of course.

“Strictly as friends,” I add on.

“Oh yeah. What’d ya tell him?

“I told him that I’m being interrogated and will get back to him later,” I answer, annoyed.

She closes the magazine and turns her full attention towards me. “Mallory, I just worry about you. You said you’d do grief counseling and you never did. I just don’t want you getting hurt. That’s all.”

“I know you care Jes. And if I would have landed in a full comatose of depression I would have gone to grief counseling. Do I still have my weak moments where I break down for the loss of my baby? Yes. Yes, I do. Will anyone see those? No. I’ve learned to deal with things on my own as I’ve grown up. It’s my own personal coping mechanism. Is it healthy? Probably not. But it works. And to be honest, Nick has been a big help. I enjoy his company. And if I remember correctly, you are the one who sent him to my house.”

“Yeah, because I knew he was a good guy and y’all have been friends over the last two years, not because I was trying to hook you up with him.”

“I’m not hooking up with anyone.” I quickly reply to Nick’s text before turning my phone off.

Me:
Ah, I’m gonna pass Nick, thanks for asking though.

I turn my phone back on once Jesika drops me back off. Dr. Gregory said everything looked good and scheduled me to come back in for another birth control shot. She let me know I had a clean bill of health and could return to all regular activity. Including sex — which I scrunched my nose up at the idea. I knew the inevitable grief counseling question would get brought up and she didn’t seem too happy with my answer. Everyone has their own damn way with dealing with shit. Just because talking to a shrink about problems or feelings help some people doesn’t mean it’d work for me. I’m doing just fine.

Nick:
Mallory, you need to get out of that damn house. Let me take you out and show you a good time. Strictly friends. No funny business I swear.

Even though I hate to admit it, he is right. I need to get out of this house. I really hope I don’t regret agreeing to this.

Me:
Fine. You win…this time. Pick me up @ 7. Don’t be late.

Nick:
Aye aye.

What the fuck have I just agreed to? Right, I agreed to going out and having a good time with a friend. A very attractive friend, but a friend indeed.

Chapter Ten

*SETH*

Today’s the big day. The day we are all flying home to take a three day break from this leg of the tour. Being cramped up and on the road constantly can start to wear on your nerves. I’m no fucking diva, but when we aren’t practicing or on stage my mind fucking wanders, and sometimes I’d rather it not. Don’t get me wrong, I love daydreaming about Mallory, but I’m not sure what we have is fixable. It’s possible that it’s at the point of no repair. Hell, I might have finally pushed her over the line…the ‘
I fucking hate Seth’
line that is. For all I know she could have joined that club along with all the other women I have pushed there.

I have three things on my agenda once this plane lands. Go home, take a shower, and then find Mallory. That’s the part that could end up being a little tricky.

I was hypnotized — instantly thrown into a trance as soon as my eyes found her moving her body and swaying her hips to the beat of the music on the dance floor. She’s lost in her own atmosphere without a damn care in the world. I’ve always been fond of her sexy moves, especially in the sack, but damn, going without seeing them for as long as I have, I feel like an addict in need of his next fix. She’s intoxicating and I can’t help but want to take her all in.

I’m finally able to shake myself out of the haze I can’t seem to control, but not before picturing what I’d like to do to that little sweet body of hers…if I hadn’t fucked everything up like I went off and did. I’m not a damn time traveler who is able to go back and fix the mess I made, but if I could I’d fucking do it in a heartbeat. I’ve irreversibly messed things up with the one woman who ever saw through all the bullshit — the one woman who cared enough about me to do more than just scratch the surface. The one woman who fought for me, fought for us, and what did I do? I pushed her away and made her believe I didn’t give a fuck about her. Even if she could forgive me, I can never forgive myself. All I will ever do is keep hurting her. It seems to be what I’m best at. Like I’ve always said, some people aren’t meant to find their happy ending.

Who the hell is she hanging all over out there? I can’t stay put, I have to know. As if it’s any of my business, but right now I could give a rat’s ass. The closer and closer I get to reaching her, the more and more I can tell she’s been drinking, hell, possibly even drunk.
What the FUCK!
I’m no damn expert, but I’m pretty fucking sure you’re not supposed drink while pregnant…or wear what she’s wearing. I can’t help that the idea that she’s out here partying up while pregnant, pregnant with my baby, and it’s making my blood boil. It’s evident that I’m pissed when I grab her arm pulling her away from the douche she’s hanging all over.

“What the hell are you doing Mallory?” She yanks her arm away from me with such force she stumbles back before being righted by her dance partner. I look past her and realize he looks familiar.
Aw hell, it’s fucking Nick.

“I was dancing dumbass. What’s your fucking problem, Seth?” she snarls at me. Nick has a protective hand on her shoulder. Are they fucking dating? Obviously. I’m sure if I wouldn’t have gotten in the way at that damn banquet for the fire departments then they would already be married with a couple little rugrats of their own running around. I quickly shake that thought out of my mind. She’s carrying my child, and she’s out at the fucking bar living like a sorority chick. This shit doesn’t fly in my book. I’m not one to talk about making the right choices and what not, but this one, I can’t keep my mouth shut about.

“Are you drunk?” The words fly from my mouth. Does this woman have no damn conscience? She didn’t even bother to tell me she was pregnant in the first place. I get that both times she came to me to do so I shot her down, but damn, a man deserves to know he’s going to be a dad. Doesn’t he?

“What’s it matter to you? It’s not like you care,” she spat at me then turned around to Nick quietly telling him something. With a nod of the head he turned away and walked off. Good, I wasn’t going to get all personal in front of him. None of this is his damn business. “Seriously Seth, what do you want?” She rolls her eyes while crossing her arms.

I close the space between us causing her to shudder at the nearness, “Are you supposed to be drinking while you’re pregnant?” I say low enough for no one else to hear. Like it’d be possible anyways. We are in a bar, still standing in the middle of the damn dance floor.

She looks up at me with a painful expression across her face and tears forming in her eyes. “I lost the baby,” she whispers before running past me. In her high heeled boots of course.

Taking a second to fully catch what she had said, I turn to follow her. I see her push through the back exit of the bar and I quicken my pace. Only to be stopped by Nick stepping out in front of me. “Dude, fucking move.”

He crosses his arms, taking a protective stance like he’s actually going to be able to hold me back. “I know I can’t keep you from chasing after her,” he admits, “but just know you fucked her up pretty bad and everything that’s happened with the baby has been extremely difficult. This is the first night she’s been able to go out since the accident, and it wasn’t an easy task convincing her. Go figure you have to fucking show up to bring back all the damn memories.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “You do need to talk to her, but I swear to God if you hurt her again I will beat your ass. She deserves to be treated right.” I nod in agreement and go around him to find Mallory.

The sniffling leads me around to the side of the bar where Mallory is sitting on the curb of the sidewalk. I walk over and slowly sit down beside her. All I want to do is wrap her in my arms and comfort her, letting her cry her worries away into my chest, but I refrain. It’s not my place. From the looks of it, it’s now Nick’s.

“I wanted to tell you,” she cries. “I wanted to tell you at the wedding, at Jesika and Derek’s. I was gonna tell you, and then that — that bitch showed up, and I just couldn’t.” She looks over at me as she wipes the tears from her face. It’s taking every fiber of strength in me to keep my hands grasped together in my lap instead of using them to wipe away the visible pain she is shedding. Letting out a defeated sigh, she continues, “Then I tried again, when I showed up at your, umm, wedding. We both know how that turned out.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were pregnant, Mal? It could have changed everything.” Who am I kidding; I don’t know what it could have changed at the time. I mean I was dealing with a situation of my own. A situation I was conned into, and lost everything that was of true importance to me because of it.

“I didn’t want you to want me because I was fucking pregnant. Are you kidding me? I wanted you to want me on your own Seth. I wanted you to choose me...but you didn’t. I was stupid to think there was ever a chance that you would.” She looks away. “I need to go. You got the answers you came for. You can go back to your wife now.”

I grab her hand as she attempts to stand up and release it once she’s seated back down on the cement. “Wait, what happened with the baby Mallory…our baby?” I choke.

“It’s a long story. I don’t feel like talking about it, especially on the side of the street. I’m really tired and I’m getting cold. It was a fucking stupid idea for me to even come out tonight. I knew I wasn’t ready yet…emotionally.”

I reach my hand out for hers as I stand up. “Can I take you home? You know, so we can talk…there’s so much I don’t know.” Hoping that my explanation is enough, she hesitantly nods her head as she accepts my helping hand.

Chapter Eleven

*MALLORY*

Riding in Seth’s jeep brings back so many good memories. As emotionally stressed as I am right now, I take comfort in those memories, of the times we spent together. I know for me they were perfect. I rest my head back against the seat, letting the sweet memories take over and wash away all the sadness that has been pressed down upon me for so long now. I hate the fact that the one person who can truly pull me through all of this is the reason behind it all. Funny how that works. I didn’t even realize I passed out until Seth is reaching over me to unbuckle my seatbelt.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I say as I yawn.

“No worries babe — I mean Mallory. You’ve had a really rough couple of months. You have every right to be completely worn out. I just wish I could have been around.” He gives me a weak smile. I’m not really sure what more he wants or needs to know about the situation, but I’m not fully up for the conversation that’s about to take place. I feel like shit. I’m a fucking emotional wreck. I already balled my eyes out in front of him; the one damn thing I said I’d never do in front of him. I stumble out of his jeep because of its height off the ground and the fact that I’m in heels. It has nothing to do with the amount of drinks I consumed tonight — that’s what I tell myself anyways. Seth catches me in his strong arms, making sure I don’t fall on my ass. His eyes fixate on mine and say what words aren’t able to right now, and all I want to do is get lost in their depths. I’m instantly comforted with the contact between us, but I know it’s only temporary.

“There’s really not much more to be said about it all Seth. So, if you feel like you owe me something because I had to go through it all alone, you don’t,” I snap at him before pulling away and walking up my porch and leaving him behind.

“Is the idea that I want to try to comfort you in any way I can tonight that hard for you to fathom? Do you not think that this whole situation bothers me, and that the one damn person I want to be around now after hearing about it is you?” He slams the passenger door shut as I unlock my front door. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to think or feel right now Mallory. I know I hurt you and you don’t want anything to do with me. I get it, believe me. But dammit, please just let me come in. I’m not ready to leave.” I push the door open, waiting for him to come inside.

“Okay. But I’m telling you right now, I’m going to be worthless company.” He stops in front of me before walking all the way inside.