No Going Back (7 page)

“Well, I don’t remember fucking shit. The only thing I remember is there being a
closed
sign on the elevator. That’s the only reason I’d ever take the stairs.” I sigh heavily. I’m pissed that I don’t know what happened. It’s not like I’m fucking clumsy enough to fall down a flight of stairs. I mean, who does that shit? Not me. But dammit, I can’t remember. I pray it will come to me. “How long have I been here?” I glance around the room looking for evidence of the date, the time…something.

“You’ve been here for two days.”

“Two days?” I shriek.

“Well, yeah. You’ve been out of it Mal. You’re very lucky that you didn’t break any bones.” She gives me a weak smile.

I cry out, “A broken bone I could have lived with. This—” I point to where my baby girl used to be. “I can’t live with the fact that she’s gone. A broken bone would have healed, but this emptiness that I now feel, will never heal. NEVER.” I shout, “She’s gone Jesika…and it’s all my fucking fault!”

There’s a knock at the door. “Come in,” I say, and the door opens. It’s Dr. Gregory. She gives me a weak smile as she makes her way to me.

“How are you feeling Mallory?” she asks as she pulls up a chair on the other side of my bed.

“How do you think I feel?” I bite out at her. “I’m sorry. I just don’t really know how to handle all of this.”

“It’s understandable. Do you remember what happened?” I just shake my head. I don’t want to verbally announce again that I can’t remember shit. “Well, that can be a typical side effect with a concussion. We went ahead and preformed a D & C due to your spontaneous abortion. We didn’t want to chance any type of infection while waiting for the fetus to pass naturally. I have a list of things to keep an eye on during the next two to six weeks, and I also prescribed you an antibiotic as well as some ibuprofen. Cramping is going to be inevitable and the medication help with it. I’d like to recommend a grief counselor for you to talk about the feelings you may have or that may come about later.” I just nod at her. She places her hand on top of mine and says, “I’m truly sorry about your loss, Mallory.”

I don’t say anything. Instead I just let the tears continue their journey down my face.

Jesika carries my stuff from the hospital inside my house and then helps me get situated on the couch.

“Seriously Mal, I can stay.” Her eyes are full of concern.

“No, Jes. I need to be alone for now.” She just nods knowing better than to push the issue.

On her way out she stops and says, “I almost forgot, there were some flowers delivered here a few days ago. I brought them in when I came to get your stuff. Call me if you need anything…anytime.”

“I will and thanks for everything. I love you.” I give her a weak smile.

“Love you too, hun.”

I manage to doze off for a few hours after she leaves. I’m sure the pain pills help to knock me out. My empty stomach wakes me up in the middle of the night. The hunger pains and growling almost overshadowed the other emptiness I was feeling…almost. I haven’t eaten in days and I know I need to at least get something in my stomach. A bowl of Cap ‘n’ Crunch sounds like it’ll do the trick.

Tightly wrapping my blanket around me, I slide my feet into my slippers and head to the kitchen. I can’t shake the coldness my body is feeling. It goes beyond skin deep. The bouquet of flowers is starting to wilt, and there’s some petals laying on the countertop around the vase. I hesitantly grab the card that’s highly perched making sure to not be overseen. The envelope isn’t sealed and I slowly pull the card out.

Mallory-

So much has happened these past few months. There’s so much we need to talk about. I was supposed to be home in two weeks, now it won’t be for over a month. I hope you will let me explain everything when I get back. –Seth

I grab the vase of once beautiful roses and chunk it at the far wall. The loud crash of glass makes me flinch and I watch as the water that was in the vase cascades down the wall. The broken pieces that are spread out in a mess all over my dining room floor represent exactly how I feel right now. Pretty damn ironic.

“Fucking asshole! How dare you send me flowers!” I slide myself down the wall, mimicking the water that’s still trickling its way down, and let the sobs overtake me. I welcome the feeling as I curl up on my cool kitchen floor to mourn my loss — for something I never truly had. I cry and cry for the baby girl that I’ll never get to hold. I cry until I’m all cried out and sleep takes over.

“Mallory. Mallory, wake up.” I’m being shaken. I want to stay asleep…where reality doesn’t surround me. But I can’t. I slowly open my eyes up to a frantic Jesika.

“I’m awake. I’m awake. What’s your problem?” I slowly push myself up to a sitting position and take in where I fell asleep. As I look around my kitchen area I see the broken vase on the ground across the room and I remember crying myself to sleep last night.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Jesika is worried sick about me and I know just how she feels. I was once in her place as the concerned friend.

“I guess I just lost it last night,” I admit, but try to keep from going into detail.

She grabs my hand and I can see the tears in her eyes. “You can shut yourself down from anyone you want, but not me. Do not shut me out. Let me be here for you the way you were there for me. I love you and I’m going to do whatever you need me to do.”

“I was fine. I was fine until I read the note on the flowers. It was from Seth and something in me just snapped. It was like everything from the last few months took over. I threw the flowers and then cried myself to sleep. I will never shut you out, Jes. I just deal with things my own way. I’ll bounce back…eventually.” I can’t hold back the sobs any longer. “I was just so happy that I was going to be a mom, and to have that yanked away from me is just really hard to deal with,” I choke out.

“Well, we’ll get through this together,” Jesika says as she cradles me in her arms.

It’s been a few weeks now since I left the hospital. I haven’t been back to work yet. I’m not sure I can face that place again. Even though I can’t remember what happened, knowing what came from it, I won’t be able to deal with being there. Maybe one day I’ll have the balls to face that place again, but right now I’m perfectly content with sitting my ass on my couch and sulking most of the day.

I’m satisfied with just sitting here catching up on Pretty Little Liars for the rest of the night. That is, until my doorbell rings. I never have unannounced company, besides Jes, and that’s only when she can’t get ahold of me and just shows up playing Mother Hen. I flip the throw off of me before making my way to the door. “Coming!” I yell as I quickly redo my loosened ponytail. I take a quick peek in the mirror I have hung next to the front door, making sure I don’t have any smeared eye makeup or anything else I should know about on my face or in my teeth. I’m self-conscious like that. I do a quick peek through my peep hole that I can barely reach.
What the fuck is he doing here?

I let out a breath before plastering on my award winning fake smile before swinging open the door.

“Hey Nick! What’s up?” Wow! I hope that didn’t sound as phony as it felt.

“Ah, umm, nothing really. I was hoping you were maybe up for some company. I would have called, but I don’t have your number.” By the way he’s rocking on the balls of his heels I can tell he’s nervous as hell. This must be him really stepping out of his comfort zone.
Dammit.
As much as I don’t want any company, I don’t want to hurt his ego. He’s always been nice to me, even after I basically pushed him away when Seth and I became close. I feel bad for how I did that. It was like I turned into all the guys that I’m use to dating. Apparently he doesn’t hate me, or he wouldn’t be standing on my porch, right?

“Yeah…sure. I’m not sure how much company I’ll actually be though. You’ll probably get more action from my couch.”
Shit!
That didn’t come out right.

He just smiles as I fully open the door and gesture for him to come in.

“Just have a seat anywhere. Sorry it’s a mess. I wasn’t expecting any company, so don’t mind my slob-like tendencies.”

He laughs. “You call this messy? You should see my house after my son has been there for the whole weekend.” I didn’t know he had a kid. Guess I never took the time to even get to know the guy.

“How old is your son?” I ask from the kitchen as I open the refrigerator door.

“He just turned seven last week.”

“Do you want something to drink? I have soda or tea.” I reach in to pull out my Dr. Pepper, waiting for his answer.

“Soda’s fine.”

I hand him his drink before sitting down Indian style on my couch and popping mine open. I take a drink and sit the can on the table.

“So, does your son go to school with Derek and Jesika’s kids?”

He shakes his head. “No, my ex doesn’t live in the same school district. Well, I should say her mom doesn’t — that’s who is actually raising Maddox.” It’s a noticeably sore topic by the way he smiles and changes the subject. “Sooo,” he says, dragging the word out. “What would you say if I told you I happened to bring over your favorite movie for us to watch?” No way does he know what my favorite movie is. No one does…besides Jesika. Damn her. She must have set this whole thing up. That sneaky best friend of mine. He pulls the movie out of his jacket pocket.
Low Down Dirty Shame.

“Well, I’d say, ‘
Coffee’s good with cream, but better when it’s black.’
” Me and my cousin used to always quote that movie and
Blankman
when we were teenagers
.
Yep, we were dorks, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

The first night Nick and I hung out I totally passed out mid-way through the movie. But being the gentleman that he was, he covered me up on my couch and turned off everything while locking the door on his way out. He made sure to get my number from me before I passed out, and the next morning I woke up to a text from him which kind of made me smile.

Nick:
Good morning beautiful. I hope you slept good.

I had quickly responded back to his text.

Me:
I’m sorry I passed out on you, but yes, I slept good.

Nick:
I enjoyed hanging out with you. We should do it again soon.

I take Nick up on his suggestion. Why not? He’s always been good to me, and I like the distraction he offers. I don’t know what it was about Nick, but he is comfortable to have around. He has a way to take my mind off of the miscarriage and Seth. I’m actually really starting to enjoy his company. Since the first night we hung out it seems like he has been stopping by for at least an hour every day for the past week. I enjoy it. He makes me laugh without even trying. He doesn’t have to play the
cool guy
card or the
I’m sexy and I know it
act. For some odd reason, even though he’s extremely attractive, he doesn’t flaunt it. He’s very humble and down to earth and I admire that about him.

It’s now Friday, and I committed to going back to work on Monday. I probably could have asked for more time off, but honestly, I’m going a little batty sitting in my house all day. Plus, I’m scheduled to go back in for my six week checkup today. Jesika is taking me just because she said she was bored and needed out of the house, but I know it’s because she doesn’t want me to face it alone. I haven’t attempted to go through all the baby stuff that is half put together in the room that was supposed to have been for Sophia. No one had known, but I had decided on my grandmother’s name a few days before the incident took place.