No Going Back (10 page)

She lets out a heavy sigh before talking. “I was five months pregnant. I was leaving work and the elevator was closed so I had no option but the stairs. Then two days later I woke up in the hospital with no memory of what had happened and no baby. They said that somehow I fell and was lucky I didn’t break anything.” She chokes on a sob. “But I did break something Seth…our baby.”

I rub her back trying to console her. “Mallory, never take the blame for what happened. It is not your fault. Do you hear me?” She sniffles. “I should have been here with you. None of this would have happened if I would have known. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine Mal.”

“No. Don’t you dare say that.” She looks up at me. “I kept it from you. My reasons were selfish. But I didn’t want to be the typical chick that uses a baby to get the man. I would have eventually told you, but I kept it from you.”

“You weren’t the only one babe.” I wipe her tears away with my thumb and then kiss her forehead before she rests her head back on my chest.

“Don’t be mad at Derek. It’s a code when you’re married. He was keeping my wishes via Jesika. He’s bound to her now, so don’t hold that against him, okay?” She yawns.

“Just get some rest baby.” I continue playing with her hair until I hear her breathing steady and she lets out a peaceful sigh.

I know she’s worn out, just like I am, but I didn’t expect her to pass out that smoothly. I guess on top of everything I was the final straw to her exhaustion. It feels so right being connected to her like this. Almost as if all is right in the world — when in reality that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I wish life gave you an easy button…gave you the option to puss out and just take the easy way out.

Her slight snoring is adorable and the way her chest rises and falls against mine is calming. I’m trying to take in as much of this as I possibly can before the façade of the perfect life I will never have is ripped away. I play with her hair and hum the song I wrote for her, well, one of many.

“I love you Mallory. I wish I had the balls to say it to you…while you weren’t passed out on top of me. You mean more to me than anyone ever has. I want you to have the best life possible. I wish I could be that man for you, but I’m not that man. I pray one day that changes, but until then I’m letting you go. It’s going to fucking suck, but I’m trying to put you first, as dumb as that sounds.”

Maybe I’m a pansy, because I started noticing all the little things, or maybe it actually makes me more of a man. Whatever the case, me easing my way out of her bed, her house, and possibly her life this morning with nothing but a note left to explain myself was a pretty pansy move on my part.

The sound of sobbing keeps me from fully dosing off. I wrap my arms tighter around Mallory to try and comfort her. She starts saying, ‘
No. No. No. No,’
over and over. ‘
Please Allison. Please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this. This isn’t going to solve anything. Anything. I’ll do anything you want, just let me keep my baby safe.’
Then she lets out one final scream before returning to her sobs. She’s having a nightmare about what happened. I kiss her forehead as tears start streaming down my face as the realization of what really fucking happened that day take full effect. That fucking bitch. I’m going to kill her.

I can’t handle knowing what Allison had done. This is all my fucking fault. All. Of. It. Mallory’s nightmare made what she had said to me the last time I saw her finally make sense.

“
No one is getting a fucking happy ending here Seth. You hear me? No one!”

I did this to Mallory. I brought this pain to her. There’s only one way to guarantee I won’t be responsible for it again.

Chapter Thirteen

*MALLORY*

Waking up the next morning alone in my oversized bed, I’m instantly flooded with flashbacks of the previous night’s events. If it wasn’t for the short, quick and to the point note Seth left jotted down on the back of an envelope, I would have thought I dreamt him up. But instead I’m left with the memories of crying my eyes out to him in my drunken stupor and making love for the first and last time last night. He can deny it all he wants, but what we shared last night was amazing. It surpasses everything I’ve ever felt love should feel like. He made my body melt last night along with my heart. Last night I thought I might regret it, but knowing that I will never experience it again makes me cherish the moment that much more. It pisses me off that he caught me in such a moment of weakness. I’m sure it’s flipping fantastic that I finally let all of the pain I’ve been harboring out. But it sucks hard that it was to him of all people and I was only left with this dinky note. A note that only makes new tears start to trickle down my cheek as the realization of everything I’ve truly lost hits me hard. I realize that I’m alone, and that’s my destiny. After reading his words to me once, I crumple it up and toss it in the trash. Then I instantly grab it out and read it aloud to myself one last time to let the full effect sink in.

Mallory — I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. This is all my fault and I’m going to fix it. I promise. Just know that I do care about you and that’s why I have to stay away. I have to. All I do is hurt the people that matter most. I’m so sorry for your loss….our loss! -Seth

And that was it. That is all the fucking explanation I’m left with, and damn if it doesn’t feel like a cheap shot to the gut. The whole ‘kick ‘em while their down’ statement is ringing loud and clear in my head right now. He came back to what? Pretend like he wanted to play daddy and then bolted as soon as he found out I lost the baby? He says he’s going to fix it. What is there to fix? Last time I checked the only thing needing fixing was my heart, and he sure as hell didn’t stick around to fix that, now did he? I’m so furious right now that all I can do is let out the scream that’s been trapped in my throat. I instantly regret it as pain shoots through my head due to my massive hangover that’s still lingering around. Going back to my pre-pregnancy routine of tending to a hangover, I search my fridge finding my last Gatorade, grab a couple of Tylenol and head to take a nice hot bath, before crawling back into bed for the rest of the day to sleep off this depression that has only worsened since my night out.

Being emotionally, physically and mentally drained makes finding sleep easy. Keeping Seth out of my dreams on the other hand, is impossible. I dream about seeing him at the bar, me running off, him finding me and bringing me home. I dream about him undressing me and throwing a t-shirt on me and cuddling me as I fall asleep. As I’m sleeping I can feel his hand moving through my hair, his breath on my ear as he whispers sweet nothings to me. I feel the warmth of his body all around me and it soothes me.

As he’s talking to me saying how he’s going to make Allison pay for what she did, I start to drift back to the day of the accident. I remember I was on my way to the parking garage at work. The elevator was closed so I had to take the stairs all the way from the fifth floor. Pushing open the heavy metal door to the fifth floor I instantly stop in my tracks at the fact that the door didn’t slam shut like I had anticipated. I hear feminine laughing before I even fully turn around. “You really think you can get him back? You think that being knocked up will win him over? I got one thing to tell you, you and that spawn you have growing inside of you are not going to keep me from getting what I want. Do you got that?” With each word she spat at me she stepped a little closer to me, causing me to step backwards. It all happened so fast that by the time I was losing my balance at the top stairs there was nothing I could do and she took that opportunity to push her vicious finger in my chest, repeating her last question, “Do you got that?” I guess me waking up in the hospital two days later and no longer being pregnant answered that question for her.

If the banging on my door didn’t wake me up, it would have been the memory of what really happened that day barging into my dream. I can’t fucking believe that bitch pushed me down the stairs and got away with it. Now what Seth was saying makes sense. He somehow knew, and he plans on doing something about it. I know it’s horrible, but it makes me happy knowing that he plans on taking care of her. However he chooses is fine by me.

“I’m coming!” I yell as I make my way over to my door. I can tell it’s still daytime outside even through my tightly closed blinds and curtains as I make my way to the source of the banging. I open the door and Jesika pushes her way in.

“Oh my god Mallory, are you okay? I’ve been trying to call you all morning. Why haven’t you answered your phone? Do you know how worried I’ve been?” She goes on, “Would it kill you to pick up the phone? Maybe see if anyone’s tried getting ahold of you. You were supposed to call me this morning. Remember?” She crosses her arms and gives me a look that I’m sure is supposed to intimidate me, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even work on the kids.

“Chill out Jes, I woke up with a huge hang over and note from Seth, so excuse me if I just wanted to stay in my damn bed all day,” I gripe. Now I feel bad for biting my best friends’ head off, but damn if I’m not in the mood.

“Shit, I was wondering what happened with Seth. Derek mentioned that he was supposed to be in town, and I passed him as I was on my way over here. He was heading towards our house. He didn’t even notice me. I told Derek that I was going to come check on you while Journey was napping.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I had a long night and need some coffee. Do you want a cup?” I ask as I start scooping it into the empty filter.

“Sure. I told Derek I might be gone for a while because I had a feeling you needed me, and even if you say you don’t, you do, and I’m going to be here with you until you kick my ass out.” She giggles. I know she feels she owes me because of the way I was there for her after Jake died, but that was different. She lost a husband, a life she always knew. Me on the other hand lost a man I never truly knew and a child I never got the chance to know. She’s right; I needed my friend right now. I needed to confide in her the revelation that I believe Seth conjured up last night.

I go ahead and fix it the way we both like it which is lots of cream and sugar, and make my way to the kitchen table where she is sitting.

“You always make the best coffee,” she says before continuing, “so what did Seth have to say?”

I take a drink of coffee and let out a huff. “I don’t remember what all he said or took place. I know he showed up at the bar, I got upset and he followed me, and then he insisted on bringing me home. We had sex last night, but it felt more like a dream. And it felt like way more than just sex. It was the desperate kind — where you know it’s the last time with that person and want to show them everything you feel without words.” I’m actually not sure how long he stayed. It’s not like he let me know. He probably booked it as soon as I started snoring because I’m not scared to admit that I do, especially when I’m drunk. I conk out and don’t give a flying shit. I’m tracing the swirly design on my coffee cup as I decide on the best way to tell her about what I remember about the day I lost my baby.

“Enough about Seth. What’s more important is that I remember that I didn’t fall down the stairs at work that day.” Not sure if that even made complete sense, but the look in her eyes as she places her cup down tells me she knows exactly what I’m saying so I continue. “Well, as crazy as it sounds, Seth brought back my memory of what had actually happened. It kind of came to me in a dream last night and then right before you showed up it was like I was having flashbacks of the dream. I actually think I had a nightmare while Seth was still here because I remembered him saying he was going to make Allison pay.” Jesika is just staring at me and motioning for me to go on, so I tell her everything I had just remembered not even thirty minutes ago.

For some reason talking about it and reliving it is making me shake and as I tell her everything that Allison said to me, the panic takes over as if I’m living it all over again.

“All I could do was step backwards, and once I had nowhere else to go but down, she pushed me!” I cry out. “She fucking pushed me down the stairs! She was trying to kill me, but she killed my baby instead, which I’m sure is good enough for her.” I know remembering what happened is great, but at the same time it’s not. Now the memory of that day is etched in my head where it will stay — a memory I’d rather not have.

“We have to go to the cops. You have to report this Mallory. She can’t get away with what she did to you.” She panics and starts breathing heavily.

“It’s been two weeks Jes. What good will it do now? And what will I say? Hey, I just remembered that when I fell down the stairs and had my miscarriage, that I was actually pushed by my baby daddy’s wife. She told me that I wasn’t going to keep her from getting what she wanted and then pushed me as I started to lose my footing. Yah, I bet they won’t give a rats shit about that now.” I look up at her and she has a confused expression on her face.

“Seth didn’t get married to her. I told you that a lot of shit went down when I took you to the airport. When I returned all hell had broken loose. Doug showed up to stop the wedding, said that Allison was a lying bitch and that he had apparently paid her to run off when she was pregnant. She took it upon herself to use some of the money he paid her with to have an abortion. She showed back up being the scheming tramp that she’s always been because she knew The Rifters were starting to become popular and she wanted in on it. She knew Seth would never take her back, so she lied and said their daughter was still alive. Broke Seth’s heart all over again. Then he found out that Doug is his father and that he had also paid Victoria to take off after she had Jake’s baby,” she explains. Hmmm, now I wonder what all has been going on without me knowing. Seems like everyone has a secret up their sleeve.

It was refreshing getting my mind off of everything that’s been holding me down the last few weeks, hell, the last few months with all the Seth shit I’ve been trying to get over. I know she was skeptical about talking about her family life and the kids because of what I’m going through, but I love them as if they’re my own and hearing all about them actually warms my heart instead of saddening me. Jesika talked me into joining the gym with her as well. She said, and I quote, “We need to get these bodies of ours beach ready, because next summer I’m taking your fine ass to the beach.” You better bet your ass that I’m holding her to that. I haven’t been to the beach in forever. Now the lake, I live there as much as I possibly can during the summer, but what I wouldn’t give to go soak up some rays next to the ocean. Even though the thought of having a cute little bungalow style beach house one day has always been a fantasy of mine, I’m more of a simple kind of girl at heart, and don’t need much to keep me happy.