My Side (32 page)

His eyes burned, “I’m
not leaving.”

I laughed, “You have
your work and I have school. We can finally take it slow. Take those trips you
take all the time, as a way to go slow.”

“You want to take it
slow? We just fucked and showered together, and I’m about to buy you breakfast
at that all-night dive, where we got the eggs Benny.”

I smiled, “Yeah. I
expect you will buy me breakfast, and then you’ll frig off, so I can study and
write my paper. I also expect that you’ll text me as soon as you get wherever
the hell you’re going to next, and maybe even a few times in the cabs and
shit.”

He kissed my belly,
“Okay, slow it is, but I ain’t leaving.”

Slow it
ain’t

98.8

Perfectly
normal.

I frowned at the
thermometer and put it down on the counter.
It had to work
,
it was brand new
.

I looked at the other
thing that was brand new and sighed. If the throwing up wasn’t the flu, it was
something else. I walked, defeated and sickened, to the bathroom to try package
number two.

There
are things you should never do alone
,
this was one of them
. I peed, holding it under the stream. I
capped it, wrapped it in toilet paper, and washed my hands. I paced, feeling
hungry and sick at the same time. I wanted some more pie. I looked at the
clock, two more minutes. I went over the things in my bag one more
time
. I had everything. I was ready to go. This couldn’t be
happening.

One minute.

I ran into the
bathroom and picked it up. The second line was faint. I squinted and shook my
head, “That’s not a line.” Of course as I said it, the line filled in. I
dropped the pee stick and dropped to my knees. I leaned into the bathroom
counter, gasping for air.

Instead of breathing,
I vomited again. I clutched the toilet and tried not to die. I was heaving,
when I heard the horn for the second time. I wiped myself down and grabbed the
pee stick. I shoved it in my purse and grabbed my bags.

I ran to the car and
jumped in. Dean gave me the disapproving-teacher look. Lise was in the back
seat, grinning away.

I rolled my eyes,
“Would you stop.” My heart was pounding.

She shook her head, “I
can’t. I can’t wait to see him.”

Dean frowned, “We
can’t be late. Jeeze. It’s a wedding, Erin. Not a normal day. Her, I expect to
be late. You—not so much.”

I frowned, “Sorry.”
And I was. I was very sorry. I didn’t even know what I was going to do. The
wedding would be an awesome distraction at least.

We ran when we got to
the airport. We just made our flight and the customs guys were pissed. They
like two hours for international flights, not twenty minutes.

I was just about to
start a full-fledged panic attack when we finally landed in British Columbia,
Canada. Dean was a friend of a lawyer who had bought a winery in the Okanogan
Valley. He was excited to have a wedding there.

I was exhausted. The
time change was deadly. Gerry, Danny and Loch met us at the airport in Kelowna.
It was hot and sunny. I looked at Dean, “This is Canada in May?”

He laughed, “This is
actually part of the same desert as Nevada. The North American desert comes up
into Canada. That’s why the wine is so amazing, the heat.”

The guys walked up in
tee shirts and shorts. I pulled my parka off, “Seriously, Canada’s hotter than
Boston in May? There was a frost warning when we left.”

Lochlan smiled and
pulled off his sunglasses
Seeing
him was making it all
worse. He was being so sweet and I was in the midst of trapping him. He nodded
at me, “Want to see something cool?”

I frowned, “Hi to you
too.”

He waved at a group of
young girls. They looked confused, then instantly recognized him. They waved
back and walked away. I was stunned, “They never tried to take any of your
clothes or pictures.”

Gerry nudged my arm,
“They’re so nice. You know you always hear it, but oh my God. I have been left
alone completely.”

I gave Loch a look,
“Can we live here?” We would have a new reason to hide away from the screaming
fans.

He nodded, “Fuck yes.”

Danny was already
taking Lise’s bags and kissing her hands. We three couples, yeah, I
know—barf, walked to the van. The driver took our bags. I nestled into
Lochlan’s arm and took a deep breath of him in.

He made a peaceful
sound and did the same to my head. “You smell good.” I felt my stomach twist
into knots. He smiled, “It’s going to be fun.”

I frowned, “I know.”

“You look worried.”

I shrugged, “Jet lag.”

We got to the inn next
to the vineyard. It was huge, right on a massive, bright-blue lake. The hills
were desert-like and rolling. It was cool. He carried my bags to the room. I
flopped onto the bed.

“Turn on the AC.”

He chuckled, “You hot
already? I like it here. Come swim in the pool with me.”

I shook my head,
“Sleep.” I closed my eyes and I was gone.

I woke later to the
sound of tapping.

I opened my eyes.
Gerry was tapping something on the desk.

“What are you doing?”

He raised an eyebrow,
“What are you doing?”

I frowned, “Huh?”

He held up the pee
stick, “Really?”

I sighed, “I peed on
that.”

“I know the science
behind it, ass. It’s one of the reasons I am so grateful to be gay.”

I sighed, “Fuck me,
Ger. What am I going to do? Everyone is going to think I trapped him with
this.”

“They already think
that, remember that picture from the day he bet you that you couldn’t eat a
whole pizza?

I groaned, “Oh my God.
They have that picture too? What am I going to do?”

“Uh, I don’t know.
Tell him… since it’s his.” He gave me a look, “It’s his right?”

I flipped him the
bird.

“Well, you never know.
As far as the media goes, you’re kind of a mean-ass ho.” I lifted my other hand
to give him a second finger, and buried my face in a pillow. He came and laid
beside me, “I came for you to tell me, I’m doing the right thing.”

I shot him a look,
“And to snoop in my purse.”

He stuck his tongue
out, “I was looking for lip gloss. My lips are chapped. It’s fucking hot here.”

I nudged him, “You’re
making the right choice. I’ve spent the last five months trying to convince
Dean to run away with me, and he never even wavered.”

He grinned, “You think
so?”

I smiled, “He loves
you so much.”

His face turned red,
like the glasses he was wearing, “I know right?” He pointed down to my belly,
“What’s the plan for that?”

I shook my head, “I
have no clue. I never wanted one of those. I wanted a condo, a BMW, and my own
money. I had a goal and it wasn’t this.” My eyes shone, “This is your weekend
though and I wasn’t going to tell you or him.”

“You brought the pee
stick.”

I laughed, “I had to
keep checking it. I just didn’t believe it. Although I will say, I’m glad it’s
just that. I thought for a minute, it was cancer. Google doctor said cancer or
pregnancy but I was on the pill. So I assumed cancer. I hoped for flu.”

He laughed, “Well,
that’s a pink line my friend.”

“Let’s just do your
wedding and worry about my uterus later.”

He smiled, “Okay.
Eeeeek, me!”

That was easier said
than done though. I didn’t stop thinking about it. It plagued every second of
my night. When Lochlan came to bed, he frowned at me, “You okay? And don’t say
jet lag.”

I looked at him and
nodded, “How do you see this all panning out, me and you? What’s your vision
for it?”

He yawned, “It’s like
three in the morning back home.”

I shook his shoulder,
“I need to know.”

He sighed, “You and
damned plans. How about we just take it one day at a time, like you wanted to.”

“So one day at a time
forever.”

He gave me a look,
“I’m not getting away without a let’s talk about our relationship moment, am
I?”

I pinched him. He
laughed and yawned again, “Baby, I see you as a successful lawyer and me as a
musician, and we live wherever makes you happiest. I’ll bring you weird things
from the places I see and you can come on the road, anytime you want. How’s
that sound? We’ll be free as birds.”

I instantly started
bawling. I didn’t even know why. He wrapped around me, “Erin, you’re scaring
me. What’s wrong?”

I climbed off the bed
and tossed the
pee covered
pregnancy test at him. He
held it for a second and then dropped it with a wrinkled nose, “Is that a
joke?”

I laughed and then
cried again. I stalked into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“Babe, let’s talk
about this. You can’t throw a pregnancy test at a man. That’s just wrong. You
peed on that. And you gave me no warning.”

I sat in the empty
tub, rocking back and forth. Weird sounds ripped from my lips. They were
high-pitch sobs.

He knocked again,
“Baby, you’re scaring me. You set me up with the whole
what’s
our future talk, and then the pee stick. Erin, don’t make me break down the
door.”

I managed a couple
words, still very high-pitched, “Just give me a minute.” I was having a panic
attack and I knew he would break the door down.

“Yes, ma’am.”

I crawled out of the
tub and dropped onto the floor by the door.

I heard him slide down
the door too.

“You don’t seem
happy,” he said after a minute.

I shook my head,
“Yeah, not so much. I’m scared and wondering how I my birth control didn’t
work, and how we’re going to have a baby? We have had the weirdest year ever.
How do we add a kid to that?”

“We love each other,
have a great income, and don’t have drug problems, or drinking problems, or weird
addictions. Well, except mine for you.”

“What if I get fat and
all the girls are hitting on you, and you have to come home to a sweaty, fat
wife who pees when she sneezes and shit?”

He laughed, “Oh baby,
you have to open the door, so I can be excited about this.”

I swallowed, “What if
we fuck this up?”

“We won’t.
We already fucked it up
,
we did that part
.
Now we have to enjoy the rewards of ruining everything, and putting it back
together. It’s lucky actually that we’re in the rebuilding stage; we have loads
of flexibility for a baby. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. I
know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy, in my special,
frustrating way.”

I turned the lock on
the door. He pushed it open and scooped me up. He carried me to the bed. He
kissed my belly, “Just think. All the love that we have for each other, we put
it in this safe place here.” He kissed my belly again.

I still couldn’t
breathe properly.

He looked up at me,
his eyes were the clearest blue I’d ever seen them, “I want to give you
something.”

I laughed, “You
already gave me something.”

He laughed, “Funny.”

He pulled out my ring
from his pocket. He dragged me down the bed and knelt between my legs, “It’s
not even close to how I wanted to do it. I’ve been carrying it for weeks, just
trying to find the right way or right moment. I wanted it to be so romantic and
whatever. And right now, I can’t think of anything that trumps what you’re
giving me. There won’t be a better moment in my life than this one. Marry me.”

I gave him a hard
look. I gave him my right hand, “Until they’re married, I don’t want to steal
the show with babies and engagements.”

Lochlan cocked his
head, “You never said yes.”

“Yes.” I challenged
him with my stare.

He cocked an eyebrow,
“Yes?”

I laughed, “Yes. I
will marry you, before I get fat.”

He laughed, “Good. Mom
and I were talking and she’d really like to see the wedding in the next couple
months. She’s been really weak lately and she doesn’t want to do it, when it
gets too hot.”

I shoved
him,
“You have not been talking about this with your mom.”

He pulled me into his
arms, “I have, I swear. We’ve been planning it. She gave me this.” He pulled
out a wedding band, “It was my Dad’s. She told me to give it to you when I was
ready, and we could maybe have it made into a ring I would like.”

I breathed out fast,
“I think you just trumped what I’m giving you.”