My Side (26 page)

“STOP!” I stopped
walking and shook my head, “I get it.”

He released me and
pointed, “You’re doing it now. You can’t control every aspect of his work life.
You have to let him out of the yard and off the leash. He needs to not worry about
getting dumped, every time you don’t like a girl giving him her number. He
never takes the offers up and he never even checks out the girls. The minute he
can stop being center stage Lochlan, he does.
For fuck’s
sake.
Either be with him, the way he is or let him go. And get some
self-esteem. What the fuck is that? It’s so annoying to see a pretty girl see
herself as not worthy.
You know what it makes us guys think
,
you aren’t worthy
. We see you, how you see you. You’re
pretty and funny and smart. Stop being such a douche-canoe.”

I looked at my
brother, shaking and ready to slap him hard. Instead, I nodded, “We need to
catch the plane.”

He laughed, “Picking
up bad habits from Lochlan, little sister.” The difference was, I heard every
God-damned
word.

We boarded our plane
and I had to think about everything he’d said. It took over for me in the fear
department. It consumed me. I was the evil bitch from the alley.

Danny was right. When
had he gotten so smart? I thought about the childhoods we’d had. Everything
about mine had been easy. Every minute was given to me. Even my older brother
stopped me from ever being picked on. The one stalker boyfriend seemed like
nothing, compared to the things Lochlan had faced.

I hated myself more
and more with every mile we flew. We landed and I sprinted for the entrance. He
was standing alone with sunglasses and a hoodie on. I would have known him,
even with the hood pulled up. I ran across the wide space and leapt into his
arms. He held me tight to him. Lochlan took deep breaths of my neck.

Danny dragged us out,
Lochlan carrying
me and all
. I looked up and sobbed,
“I’m so sorry I made her stressed.”

He shook his head,
“Just don’t leave me. Please, stop doing that.”

I shook my head, “I
won’t leave. And you can plate my food. It’s weird but I see why you do it.”

A tear rolled down his
cheek, “She’s doing really well. Dad has her at the house again.”

I frowned, “So soon?”

He nodded, “She might
not say much, but what she does communicate is not missed. She’s never going to
forgive me and she wanted her own bed.”

I kissed his lips
softly, “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I’m more sorry.”

We got into the truck
that had been in the driveway. Lochlan drove like a nut. We didn’t talk.

When we got to the
house, I was fading fast. I was beat but I wanted to see Judith desperately.
Gerry opened the door as we arrived. I kissed his cheek, walking past him to
the living room. She wasn’t there. I turned and walked out, ignoring Mike,
Lissie and Alex. I opened the door at the end of the hall, knocking lightly as
I did it. Al beamed when he saw me. I shushed him, trying not to cry, “I’m so
sorry for the drama I brought into your home.”

He pulled me back,
“No. Our son is the one…”

I put my finger to his
lips, “He has never been anything but a good boyfriend. He’s never given me a
reason to doubt him.” I shrugged and stole my brother’s line, “I come from
quitters. They’re not like you people. My parents don’t support each other the
way you do. They would never understand your marriage.
Or
your compassion.
They’re selfish people. I’m selfish and self-absorbed.
I see the light inside of Loch and I know how big it is. I don’t think I’m big
enough to be a part of it. It’s me not deserving him, not him straying on me.
He would never and I know it. But I see the darkness in him and I assume the
worst. Even though, he has never done anything but love me and protect me from
it all. It’s a flawed version of love because it’s unique to him. But everyone
has the same circumstances.
 
We all
love something or someone according to our ability to love. Loch is crazy and
passionate and weird and intense and giving and funny. His love reflects all
those things. He gets those amazing qualities from you both. I am sorry for
whatever problems I have caused.”

He hugged me, “Thank
you. You caused no problems, but thank you for seeing him. Seeing the light and
the dark.”

I pulled from his arms
and knelt at her bed, She was sobbing silently. She made a noise. I gripped her
hand, “I am truly sorry.”

She blinked out of
control.

“She wants to tell you
something.”

I looked at Al, “How?”

He grabbed a pen and
paper, wiping a rogue tear from his face, “Okay, baby.”

She looked at him and
started a series of blinks. I didn’t understand anything, but assumed he was
counting blinks and putting down the letters that matched the number of blinks.

It went on for a
couple minutes. He read it and smiled, “She said, be his shelter from the
storm, whether it’s inside or out.”

She gave me a peaceful
look, and I knew she was giving him to me. He would be mine to protect and keep
safe. We would learn to love each other like his parents; I could learn how. I
gripped her hands and fought my sobs, “I will. I’ll always keep him safe in my
heart.” I kissed her hand and rose, “Get some rest.”

She blinked twice.

“That means yes.”

I nodded, “I assumed.
Goodnight and happy Thanksgiving from the other day.”

Al nodded, “We’re
thankful for you.”

I shook my head, “Not
as thankful as I am for you.” I hardly knew them and yet I’d never felt more
welcomed and loved.

I walked out of the
room. He was standing in the hall looking dark. I stood on my tiptoes and
brushed my lips against his, “Your turn.”

He looked down and
walked in. I walked into his room, not going into the living room. I was
humiliated and sickened by my actions. I wanted a time machine to go back and
change it all.

Gerry walked into the
room with a huge sandwich.

He handed it to me,
“You okay?”

I shook my head, “I’m
a petty asshole.”

He tilted his head,
“Girl, if I saw Dean do that on TV, I would burn the fucking production set to
the ground. You’re not petty, you’re insecure because women of the world wanna
dry hump your man.”

I sighed, “Isn’t there
a saying about the brighter the star the hotter the fire?”

He laughed, “Yeah,
something like that. You feeling scorched?”

I laughed, “No, just
the heat maybe.” Danny came in the room, “Hey. You okay?”

“Ya.”

“How’s Judith?”

I nodded, “She’s
good.”

He took half of my
turkey sandwich and ate a big bite. “You know we should have just gone to Mom
and Dad’s this weekend. They wouldn’t have even noticed the drama.”

I smiled, “I’m glad we
came here. I feel sick about Judith getting stressed and having a stroke, but
I’m glad I met them and I see it all now.”

Danny shook his head,
“I feel sick too. I’m glad I phoned Mikayla though. She was bawling and
apologizing. It was awesome.”

Gerry gave him a look,
“You did?”

Danny nodded and
chewed. Gerry was about to say something, but Lochlan came in. He looked at us
all with a confused stare. I smiled at him. He walked over and took my half
sandwich that was left. He took a huge bite and sat back. We sat in silence.
It wasn’t awkward
,
it was exhaustion
.
We were tired of our petty selves.

I want my MTV

I curled into him,
sucking the warmth from him. He wrapped a huge arm around me, pulling me in,
“Princess, you awake?”

I nodded, “Sort of.”

“I love you.”

I turned around to
face him, “Loch, I don’t how it happened so fast, and I don’t why it’s taken me
something like this to say it, but I want to.”

He kissed my nose and
then my cheek. I whispered into his scruffy face, “I love you.”

He pulled back, “You
do?”

I nodded, “More than I
can explain or understand. It goes against every natural and reasonable thing I
believe, but I do. In three and a half months you have won me, body and soul.”

He smiled, the sexy
one that made me inhale funny, “Marry me.”

I laughed, “I can’t.”

He pulled back, “You
love me and I love you. Why not?”

I laughed, “Because,
we’ve known each other for three and a half months. That’s crazy.”

His eyes sparkled,
“I’m crazy, crazy about you and sort of crazy on my own.”

I nodded, “Yeah, you
are. Tell me what happened on that show.”

His eyes narrowed,
“Me, Andrew, Mikayla, and Ben were the final four. Ben found out Andrew was
gay. Andrew was in first place, as far as stats went. Being gay would hurt his
chances of winning. It would also hurt his chances of being a successful pop
star
. You have to be like George Michael and build the fans
and then come out, maybe not in a public washroom though.”

I snickered but his
face stayed dark.

“Ben came to me, not
knowing my identical twin was gay, and told me of his plan. I was tied for
second place with Ben, not giving a shit about the show. I just wanted it to
end. I hated it.
It wasn’t art
,
it
was drama
. Anyway I told him no, I wouldn’t help him, and if I found out
anyone heard Andrew was gay, I would kick his head in.” It was starting to make
sense.

“So the night of the
second-to-last show, me and Andrew went first and did our performances.
Best ones ever
,
we rocked it
. Ben
was scheduled last. I came off stage and heard him telling the producer that
Andrew wanted them to have a gay pride thing on there, in support of him and
his coming out. He’d told his family and was coming out. Of course, that wasn’t
true. Andrew never told anyone. I flipped out. I beat him up. I went black. I
don’t even remember it. But he never performed and ended up being ‘the poor guy
that psycho Lochlan beat up’. He won the show and I took the rap, to stop
anyone from knowing about Andrew.”

I kissed him, “Why
didn’t you tell me?”

He shook his head,
“It’s not my secret to tell but I’m more scared of losing you, than I am of
protecting him.”

I grabbed his face
hard, “You will never lose me. I’m done with it all. I don’t want to be like my
parents. I don’t want to run away, every time I’m scared or hurt. I want to
find a way to be with you and not lose me. I want to be part of both Lochlans.
I want to come with you and be with you.”

He frowned, “What
about law school? I don’t want you to give up your dream. That is you.”

I shrugged, “I’m
twenty-three years old, I have loads of time. Who knows how long this is going
to be happening for you? Stardom is fleeting, law school is permanent.”

“What about your
plan?”

I laughed, “You’ve
been fucking with my plans from the minute I met you. I was supposed to unpack
my apartment, go for a run, come back and make dinner in my new kitchen. I
wanted to set up my Netflix account, eat, and watch TV alone. My plan only ever
involved me. It was a selfish plan for a selfish person. Now I want to support
you. I want you to relax, and not worry about us, and not worry about losing
me. Make it about the music. I want to finish this semester and then I’ll take
a leave.”

He smiled and kissed
me, “I want you to come with me. I hate being away from you.” I closed my eyes
and laid my head in the crook of his arm.

When I woke up, he was
passed out. It was light out. It felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day,
and I was waking up with my second chance at everything. I pulled on clothes
and stumbled
down
the hall. Danny grinned at me, “You
always have been such a beautiful morning person.”

I flipped him the bird
and poured a cup of coffee. Al was setting the table and Gerry was flipping
bacon. Al looked at me, “Go wake his ass up. He’s going to be upset if he
misses breakfast.”

I laughed, “Okay.” I
poured him a coffee and glanced at Al, “How does he like his coffee?”

A grin crept across
his lips, “One cream.”

I nodded and added it
to the coffee. I carried it down the hall. I put it on the bedside table and
bent forward, kissing him good morning. He smiled against my lips, “It feels
early still.”

I took a deep breath,
“Smell anything you might be upset about missing?”

He inhaled, sniffing
the air, and nodded, “You.”

I shoved, “You’re
going to have to do better than that.”

He opened his
bright-blue eyes, giving me the look, “You want me to start trying?”

I laughed, “No. I
don’t think we’ll leave the room if you start trying. I want you to get up
because Al said you have to.”